To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

What @MaryJanesonabreak says.

Read that book AND the one by the same authors "Siblings Without Rivalry".

It will change the dynamics massively.

I’d quietly and calmly list all those things you’ve said in this post and elsewhere to your DD. Try to speak to her objectively - lay things out as evidence and reach the conclusion: that what’s she’s saying is not true. Do not frame it as criticism or scolding. Keep it all calm and like you’re laying out the facts in a ‘let’s have a look’ way not a ‘I’m going to prove your wrong’ way.

Then if she mentions it again, you can smile and say that, as she now knows, that’s simply not true. Then tell her you love them both equally.

Some of what she’s saying could be habit - something she’s falling back on, not something she actually means. Also, as children grow, they sometimes want to be babied a bit, so perhaps she’s resenting her age. Give her occasional ‘babying’ maybe too.

She has an unmet need in some area of her life and she's seeking extra attention and validation from you. You need to stop beating up yourself about this, as it's not your fault.

However, you are not going to solve this by sticking your head in the sand and insisting that she mustn't talk about how she feels, or make her subdue these feelings because you feel upset by them.

She has no dad to speak of, so you're her sole champion. Just carry on showing her love and patience, as you have been and let her know that you can be trusted to accept that how she is feeling is valid and she is always safe sharing her feelings with you.

Oh wow. I think this is definetly part of it

DS has received more attention in that regard, he has always been slightly behind where he should be and he has a speech impediment,

I'd forget a lot of this sort of thing if Facebook memories didnt exist but for example, by 2 years old DD could put her shoes on the right feet by herself, DS is almost 7 and still struggles to get the right feet. DD can zip her own coat ect, DS really struggles and although I let him try himself most days I end up doing it for him as we're leaving

DD can dress herself by herself, DS often gets his clothes tangled up in themselves ect so needs help with that,

DD can brush her own teeth and her teeth are perfect, at the last dentist visit the dentist said DS's were great but he needed to brush them better at the back so now I brush his back teeth after he has just to make sure their done properly

I'm sure theres tons of others I cant think of right now but I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. Even simple things like opening a packet DS needs help with where as DD doesnt

Helper wise - I get them both to help equally around the house and their easy chores ( take washing out of washing machine and put into a basket, put shoes in porch ect ) DD doesnt get harder chores than DS and their chores they can easily manage

I bet that is big part of it as family have said I baby DS but it's not that, he really struggles so I help him but I bet to DD that must not be nice to see

I think @ExtraOnions is identifying the issue. I separated from my ex husband recently. The children have struggled and I get a lot of the same type of behavior from my eldest. However, all 3 feel abandoned by their father. As I’m their safe harbor, they act out with me, never him.

I would ask school for some help on how to approach this. I am in the U.S. and this sort of help is readily available through health insurance, schools and church. Attending a Catholic school has been good for my children because the message of God loves you comforts them and gives them a feeling of feeling loved and accepted. It’s no accident God is male. No joke, I have come to see this is an age old problem and God in the ultimate father figure.

I really would not tell your Dd this. Whether or not to leave a relationship is an adult decision, one which the adult needs to own. Of course the desire to protect one’s children comes into it, and indeed may motivate it, but how that is phrased really a lot of pressure to put on a child.

’I wanted my children to grow up in a peaceful home and that was not the situation and I wanted that for myself too’ is a far better and more healthy way of looking at it.

I just say ‘the dog is my favourite’ 🤣🤣🤣

She was old enough to understand what was happening when she witnessed her father physically assault you, followed by an"unsettled couple of years" moving between temporary accommodation. Then, from her perspective, her dad abandoned her around the time her baby brother arrived in her life.

That is deeply traumatic and I'll eat my metaphorical hat if it's not the root of her insecure attachment. Your daughter needs therapy and a safe space to express her worries.

We used to do this messing about throw away comments to our dc and they did it back to us, Fools and Horses comic insults were popular . We all knew it was a big joke and we all all loved each other. All the adult dc have turned out to be caring peeps and we still do the silly stuff.
But in some households this could be a problem and have a negative outcome.

I have two teenage girls, with the same age gap. They constantly witter on about the same, precisely because it presses my buttons.

No real advice but I don't think the sibling rivalry means that you are doing something wrong.I see it as biological. It's a primative drive that used to be essential for survival. It no longer serves a purpose, and it is an exhausting waste of energy for both of you. I think you are right to stamp it out.

By engaging in this conversation with her you're encouraging it

She ends up getting more attention

We have chn like this in key stage 1 at my school. I pick a child to do a job and a couple of children are absolutely outraged every time they’re not picked! There are over 20 chn to choose from and they have no recognition of that and just see themselves. I know young children are self- centred but It’s increasingly common and I am not sure why.

I get you OP. You are doing your very best trying to make two very different children of different ages, genders and personalities feel safe, loved and secure by yourself, often splitting yourself in half to make sure they both feel included. And despite your efforts she is acting selfishly. You don’t need this insecure crap when you are doing your damndest to make sure they have no need to be insecure- on your own. I don’t blame you for snapping.

I think you're right to pull the plug on this. She was forcing you to collude with something that wasn't true. She has an ache, but it's not about favouritism, so no point feeding the wrong issue.

Just seen your update and there is the problem. She sees your extra help for DS as extra love. You need to explain why he needs that.

😂

That.
Or "my favourite is the one who doesn't whine, and right now that's not you".

This !

OP this comment rang out to me - Her DS is a very silly impulsive little boy ( waiting for an assessment for ADHD ) who gets told off far more than she does and I use her good behaviour as an example for him and to make her feel good about herself

dr laura of Aha parenting who wrote the book mentioned would say NEVER compare your kids, for good or bad reasons, always concentrate on their individual selves.

Have a look at her website and don’t beat yourself up ! You are doing a great job

Sorry I don't want to make you feel bad but to help you understand so you can support her: children absolutely are affected by a loss of a parent however young they were when it happened - and this is a loss even if he is still alive.

Just because a child is very young when they lose their parent that doesn't mean they don't grieve or aren't affected. It has a developmental impact and it has a psychosocial impact. Children whose parent left or died whilst they were babies still grieve.

The absence of her father will be a recurring grief throughout her life. All the moments when her friends have their dad to celebrate or support or protect them, and she doesn't.

She is old enough to understand that she should have a dad like other children but that hers chooses not to see her - that's a huge rejection and loss. "What's wrong with me that my dad didn't want me? Didn't love me enough to be here?"

You would do well to equip yourself to support them both with that rejection and loss over their lifetimes.

Are you going to link to any of this research?

Girls get diagnosed later than boys with things like adhd because they work so hard to mask their needs. You just got diagnosed now, your son is diagnosed, chances are your daughter has it too.

saying How well she’s doing, when comparing her to your son and his behaviour, may just be piling more pressure on her to mask when what she really wants is for you to see her struggles and help her.

she can’t communicate that so she does it by saying ‘you love him more’. It’s possible what she means is ‘you see his struggles more’.

I’ve three girls going through diagnosis now, one assessment complete two ongoing and it’s an eye opener to see just how hard they’ve work to get to 16/13/10 without people noticing the problems and it’s amazing how much happier our house is now we treat each other with more knowledge.

I remember something similar happening between me and my mum when I was around 7/8 years of age.
I don't remember exactly what I kept saying but it was along the lines of 'you don't love me' when I wasn't getting my own way. My mum snapped and shouted at me about how much she loved me. It shocked me as my mum rarely shouted and I never said it again.
I had no hurt feelings, I was being unreasonable and my mum snapping made me realise that.
I do still remember it clearly & I'm heading towards 50 now but I don't remember it in a negative light. As an adult I can see how hurtful it was for my mum who definitely loved me dearly and we have a really close relationship as adults. I'd advise you not to worry about it, hopefully the sharp shock will allow you DD to realise hiw much you do love her and that she was being unfair. Don't be hard on yourself x

I think you did the right thing OP. She's old enough to understand that her words can hurt people and that although you love her to bits you also love her brother an equal amount.
I'm lucky, we had 3 DC (very close in age) and they weren't jealous of each other at all. I think if they were I would have also reacted in the way that you did.

I wonder if she's fallen into a habit of saying things like this--she gets rewarded each time with your attention, either positive or negative, so the habit is reinforced. She might also be craving firmer boundaries, especially if you're feeling unsure and guilty when she says these things. She'll pick up on your feelings and your (possibly) usure, overly reassuring responses. This will both feed her insecurity and further reinforce this behaviour from her.

I also feel worried for your son and don't understand why you give your DD so much more time, nurturing and material things than him. I'd try to start to even that out as it's very unfair on him and won't be helping your DD's subconscious insecurity (maybe when he is my age, mum will start to favour him as she now favours me and I'll be the one who gets less).

I suspect that a combination of working on your own self-esteem, (to help you have confidence that you are a good, loving mum and that it's okay to treat kids fairly); Setting firmer, caring boundaries (hurting, hitting and taking things off people is NOT okay) and working on your children building good sibling bonds by doing lots of joint fun activities such as the three of you playing uncomplicated board games and other fun stuff together.

Moaning at times and expressing jealousy is okay, it's part of being a child, but as parents we need to be able to take a step back and make our own, adult, judgement about the reality of the situation whilst calmly acknowledging the child's feelings to them: 'I can see you're upset/sad/feeling insecure darling, come and have a cuddle'.

I always told them that their best friends were favourite.

You have a jealousy problem OP and you can shut it down but it will not go away. Sit down with her and ask why does she think she is jealous of your brother? Does she get jealous of friends and school? other people. Don't ended with you putting it right - you're not the issue, but she is clearly jealous and how can she behave to stop her feeling that way.