To have told DD8 to never mention this to me ever again

[DearyMeThisIsSilly]

I have 2 DC, DD8 and DS6. I'm single and have been single since my youngest was a year old. They havnt seen their father since ( court ordered due to DV )

Im so cross right now. DD 8 for the last year or more has done this "you love DS more than me" she is constantly asking who the favourite is, constantly complains that DS is cuddled more than her ( despite the fact its DS who approaches me for a cuddle it's not like I go to him for a cuddle and reject her cuddles or anything )

So far this morning..... DS approached me for a cuddle so we were having a cuddle and she asks why she never gets cuddled ( she does!!! ) and I replied that she does, ds had come to me for a cuddle so of course I was going to cuddle him back then invited her to join the cuddle which she did.

Then we were all singing a song together and taking turns with each verse, then she asks why DS got to sing more words than her and why I always let him do things like that.......

I've just properly told her off and told her I'm sick to death of everything being a competition, how I'm not allowed to cuddle DS without her complaining and told her to never ever mention anything about it being unfair or me loving him more ever again. I'm absolutely sick of it now and I feel like it's just a nasty way of attention seeking

Last night SHE had a sleepover downstairs with me, me and HER have one to one dates where DS stays with a babysitter, she gets to stay up later than him. I have never ever taken DS out on a one to one where as DD gets this constantly. She also gets one to one time with my family where as DS doesnt ( more to do with age than favouritism with family )

I tell them both I love them every single day, I cuddle them both, if anything I spend far more time with DD with DD one to one than I ever do with DS as he never complains about feeling left out ect

I dont believe for one minute she does even feel left out because how could she when she gets so much more attention, told shes loved and things bought for her than he does?

She has nicer clothes nicer toys a nicer decorated room,

I'm absolutely sick to death of it now and I've told her quite sternly to NEVER EVER EVER say to me ever again "how come DS gets, you love him more....." because actually that 6 year old boy gets nothing compared to her all he wants is a cuddle with his mum every now and then!

It doesnt help she hurts him constantly, will turn the telly over when hes watching things even last night he was sat on the spfa and she came over and told him to move and I told her to sit on another seat as he was already sat there 🤦‍♀️

DD was my 5th pregnancy, I begged and prayed for her, I love her so much and she will always have a special place in my heart because I waited so long for her and went through so much heart ache to get her

I cant deal with her keep acting like this when it's just not true and everything in her life shows that she is loved. I'm so fed up

I dont even know what I'm posting for? So advice? I'm sick of constantly being made to feel guilty when whatever I do isnt good enough anyway and she still wants to try and say she is left out when she categorically isnt. I'm so angry and upset right now

Trust me, they're fine

My parents thought they were so fabulous that they considered fostering more children. We were already over-crowded. Their alcohol abuse had us on constant tenterhooks as to emotional and physical harm.

They'd have told everyone we're fine.

Maybe your children are fine. Maybe they're putting up a good facade. All we have are assertions and our own experience.

I love this. 🤣🤣🤣

My eldest does this too.

He is a lovely boy but there's no denying he is spoilt and he just can't bear the younger child getting anything. Younger child is more chilled out and lower maintenance than him.

Whether this is his natural personality, or as a result of being constantly sidelined by the older one, in don't know .

Like you, I don't the answer. I try to treat them both fairly etc. It is hard.

Sounds to me that you drop DS at any given chance and she sees that and expects you to do it more often. He’s an adult leaving a child out - and yet when she doesn’t it it’s wrong?

Maybe model a bit more inclusion?

Aw DS 100% doesnt feel left out, at all. He is very very confident within himself and whenever she asks who the favourite is he always jumps in and says "me!! Because I'm cute arnt I mummy" right now hes sat cuddling me whilst watching TV,

He isnt in the background, he gets just as much love as DD does, just not as much one to one time,

She has nicer things because DS breaks and wrecks everything and I havnt replaced the things hes broken or ruined so just because of that she has nicer things as his nice things are now ruined

I probably am compensating.

Shes the only reason I properly left her dad. After the last attack which she witnessed she came over to me and tried helping me get up and said sorry to me. He went mad because the baby was crying and then she started crying which made him angrier and she blamed herself.

I told her it wasnt her fault, told her she didnt have to be sorry and promised her I'd never let her see anything like that again. And she hasnt. I rang the police, moved 50 miles away, we spent time in hostels and temporary accommodation ect. It was very unsettled for a couple years.

Its thanks to her we have the amazing life we have now and I will always always be grateful to her for giving me the strength to leave

Her DS is a very silly impulsive little boy ( waiting for an assessment for ADHD ) who gets told off far more than she does and I use her good behaviour as an example for him and to make her feel good about herself

Don't do this. It just plays them off against each other. It puts them in competition with each other. Don't forget, even "bad" attention is still attention. So if your DD sees you spending more time correcting and teaching her brother proper behaviour, she will see that as him getting more attention. When you talk to her later, listen to her. Don't correct her or tell her her perception is wrong. Because it isn't. She feels the way she feels for a reason, it just might not have been your intention.

Someone once suggested an idea that I used, might be useful (although this was about physical things, but might translate):

Say to her/them that they need to make a list of all the things/times someone gets something. Tell them that they can all get together when she is 25 (or 18, whatever) and work out who got more, and you will balance it out...

I got mine to do this, they quickly realised how it was looking and got the point. (and got bored!)

Lol I tell my kids the cats are my favourites when they whinge about favourites. They never argue with this as they all love the cats to.

If the youngest has adhd he will be getting loads of attention. It may not be classic attention, such as cuddles or 1-2-1 time. But the constant “don’t do that, sit down, put your socks on (for the 10th time), come back here now, behave nicely” etc really adds up and takes a huge amount of headspace and family time.

Telling her not to mention it again is not the right approach. You're telling her to push her own feelings away. You need to show some empathy, even though you think her feelings are not based on facts, they're still her emotions. All you're doing now is saying that she doesn't matter and you're not there to listen to her. If you show her you feel for her and say you're sorry she feels angry or sad, and give her a big cuddle, then maybe she'll start to open up to you about what's really going on. Don't push it though by asking her why she is feeling that way as she might not know. I would suggest reading 'How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk'.

I don't think you can enforce that. She is still a very young child and she will say it agai . What will you do then?
I can see how annoying if is but if you can just don't react and make light of it when she says. Just shrug and say something like
That isn't true. I'm sorry you feel that way but it's nonsense. I love/cuddle/ you both the same.
Then just carry on as normal

I agree you are playing them off against each other. They live that.

You need to ensure both are treated the same and include them both in lots of ways.

Buy some games you can all play. Invest time into their relationship with each other - if she’s nasty about her brother - tell her that isn’t how we treat each other. If she can’t be kind she can’t play.

But you need to get them to play together and get along better and stop putting yourself in the middle.

Bollocks. But there is loads of research that indicates they need to be able to cope with teasing, not take themselves too seriously and develop coping skills and resilience via enduring things they don't quite like in a safe environment eg the family. Before it happens to them in the wider world.

You could try throwing it back at her.
You love DS more than me ——- Really , what’s your evidence for that? ( look interested, the slightly more adult language throws them)
Do you love DS more than me, who’s your favourite —— Now what do you think my answer will be, I love you both the same or I love that houseplant ( or the dog/cat) more?

Another way might be to direct her challenging ways into other things. You’d make a good politician with all those arguments, I can see you as brilliant lawyer one day etc. . etc…

I would try just reflecting her feelings back to her, to show that you understand and care about her. Not engaging, or barely engaging, with whether it's true or not.

So 'you feel like I love DS more. That's must be horrid. I don't by the way, but I'm sorry you have that thought'.

'You often feel like DS has better things. You've said that before. It's really hard to share isn't it. Sometimes I bet you wish you had all the good things in the world and didn't have to share them at all! Actually, life isn't very nice when that happens.'

'Maybe it feels like I haven't got enough love or attention to go round. I think I have though. I think about you all the time.'

And actually, also a bit of 'Look, I chose to have you both, and I love you both very much. I like it when we get along and have nice times together. Can you please stop comparing all the time. You have treats that he doesn't. It isn't about being equal. When you focus on what you don't have, it makes it less fun for all of us. I think it makes you feel more sad. Can you tell me something good we have done today together? Can you tell me something good we did yesterday? Can you tell me one good thing we might do tomorrow?' (Simple things like playing or smiling or watching tv or having a cuddle). Obviously not all one go.

op I just read your most recent post. Sorry I missed it.

Your dd has had severe trauma and is more than likely reacting to it. She might be trying to address it, in her own mind; for example, if it wasn't her fault then maybe it was your ds's? As he started it (in a toddler's eyes, obv!) or maybe she still believes it WAS her fault, and can't believe you, so how can she believe that you DO love her? It actually sounds like she could do with some professional input.

I'm so sorry you've all gone through such awful trauma. Did you access women's aid? They can help you access help for her and you.

8 year olds need to be taught how to talk about their feelings, be polite, be grateful and how what they say impacts others. Parents do become a bit of a punchbag for nagging ungrateful comments whilst in the process of learning all of this. I don’t think just shutting her down and telling her not to mention something is the right approach.

It’s absolutely fine to be cross with her and tell her she hurt your feelings. But telling her never to talk about something ever again isn’t going to end well for either of you.

Any attention is attention in the eyes of a child, even if it’s being told off. The fact her brother is getting told off more than her means he is getting your attention. By her saying “you love him more” that also gets your attention.

See if you can read what her behaviour is telling you. As you say, there is an unmet need that she doesn’t have the words to express.

the situation sounds hard and I don’t want to add to your woes, but - please be careful of holding her behaviour up as an example to her little brother !! Rather, please don’t do it. This can be very damaging, and you are further putting them into competition by doing it.
(I was the ‘example’ to my little sister, felt like I always had to be perfect, etc etc).

Plus you can’t expect the same behaviour from a younger child (even without the possible adhd) and you are setting him up to feel bad about himself. Plus if it is ADHD , well, it’s hard to manage and he will feel plenty bad about the fact he struggles with things others find easy anyway.

Did you read the full post?

Its thanks to her we have the amazing life we have now and I will always always be grateful to her for giving me the strength to leave

I hope you have told her this. She’s old enough.

🤦🏼‍♀️ oh honestly, there's always one

I can understand your frustration buy I would never make any subject taboo with my DC.

The idea upthread to make light of it, but in a supportive and reassuring way is good. Also, perhaps raise it yourself sometimes, when you’re having one to one time with her.

I have 4 and they all claim one is the favourite. He’s not, he just chose to spend more time with me and help out, unusually through his teenage years too!
Even now as an adult, despite seeing him less than the others, he messages multiple times a day, follows up on what I’ve done that day etc, but I genuinely don’t have a favourite! My relationship with each of them is just different

Not bollocks at all 🤣 Try downloading the items on LBC and radio 4 reporting in the research. Not comfortable listening.

Youcancallmeirrelevant

More than one. A whole lot of specialists, so I’ll take your username at face value. Or are we still sick of experts?

I could be wrong, but my take would be that children need to know that it’s the parent(s) setting all the parameters and creating the family’s moral universe, not the kids.

You’ve been very circumspect and responsive to her emotions. Maybe now’s the time to steam ahead on your own assessment of being fair, even-handed and equally loving to both your children. Your daughter will learn that manipulation doesn’t carry the day, and your son won’t feel frustrated that the older, more articulate one gets to sway the agenda. Trust yourself, in other words - you’re the adult in charge. 🌺

edit: to actually answer your question 🙈, YANBU, but don’t get cross with your daughter. (It’s a form of more attention anyway.) Perhaps try Planned Ignoring?