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Original poster

Would you find this inappropriate

211 replies

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:54

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:55

Sorry for typos

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 19/10/2023 21:55

It sounds like he was offering contraception as it can help with heavy or painful periods.

TheyreEatingThemInNelsonAndTheBluff · 19/10/2023 21:56

The coil is often suggested for painful/heavy periods. He was clumsily checking re the children I suppose.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 19/10/2023 21:58

There does seem to be a campaign to get women of a certain age to agree to having a coil - I hd to have IVF yet I lose count of the number of times I’m asked if I’ve considered having one - and I’m usually in for my asthma or a chest infection, plus in well past having any more kids in my 50’s!

Jewelspun · 19/10/2023 21:58

Some years ago I had a vile consultant who did his best to force me into agreeing to have a coil fitted and he asked me similar questions.

He got quite nasty with my refusals.

I wouldn't give in though.

Sounds like your one was hoping you'd have one too!

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:58

Looking online, it says you can get the coil even if you've never had sex.

So what he was saying wasn't right.

OP posts:
HP89 · 19/10/2023 22:31

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:58

Looking online, it says you can get the coil even if you've never had sex.

So what he was saying wasn't right.

This is true! But some trusts have policies not to insert them in people who have never have penetrative sex (ridiculous and not in line with equal opportunities at all but hey ho). Likely to do with the mechanism of how they insert! Hope this helps.

Think he was asking the right things but in an awkward bumbling way!

PennyNotWise · 19/10/2023 22:36

Bit weird but yeah was probably checking if you could have bc. By the way have you looked into endometriosis? Periods shouldn’t be that painful. And in other news I personally have found the coil to be wonderful, but it’s different for everyone.

WillowCraft · 19/10/2023 22:38

I think the questions about children were weirder in a way.

Hormonal contraception can help with period pain so maybe that's what he was thinking. He would have done better to explain that as an option and let you decide but he probably thought he knew best...They do get extra money for getting people onto certain types of contraception. I reckon he thought he might get a few bob for getting you the coil and sort your pain out at the same time!

ComeOutSun · 19/10/2023 22:45

My understanding is that some doctors don't want to give the coil to you if you haven't had sex. Some even if you haven't had children. It is just harder to insert. Others seem less concerned about that. It's pretty common to be offered one for period issues though.

Sethos · 19/10/2023 22:45

His questions weren’t inappropriate, though it sounds like his delivery/lack of explanation about what and why he was asking was lacking.

If you have period pain to the point of needing stronger painkillers, he’s right to explore methods of contraception that would reduce your periods. Before prescribing contraceptives he’d need to know if you’re planning trying to conceive. As PPs have said, generally they don’t fit coils if the person has never had penetrative sex.

confusedmum2023 · 19/10/2023 22:51

No I don’t think he was inappropriate. From your post I feel that perhaps you felt awkward or required further explanation as to why these things were important.
There are options to help with heavy and painful periods much better than any painkiller. For example he suggests a coil and you decide in a few months you want a baby. Or going on the pill for some people it can take a while to get pregnant afterwards. If you have had sex he could ask questions such as was penetration painful, as is the case for a lot of people with endometriosis.
I think you are being too sensitive, perhaps due to lack of experience, knowledge or awkwardness at having this conversation with a man.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:07

I've had other male doctors that I feel fine with. I always feel uncomfortable with this doctor , every time I go to him.

I asked my mum, and she said she always feels uncomfortable with this particular doctor too. He just has a bit of a creepy air.

It's also the way he said "have you ever had sex". Like, I'm 39!!

Anyway it's not the end of the world, I'll get over it. However I'm going to go try see the female doctor next time

OP posts:
PomBearsandaFruitShoot · 19/10/2023 23:16

It does sound odd 🤔 I’ve had weird experiences with doctors too. I remember going in for chest pain once and a doctor told me he needed me to take my top off to listen to my heartbeat which I knew wasn’t right and another time when I was a young teenager a doctor asked me if I wanted my mum to leave the room so I could tell him the truth about my sexual activity and possible pregnancy… I was clearly a very young and innocent teenager and the reason I was at the doctors had nothing to do with anything that could have linked to pregnancy 😳

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:27

That reminds me of something else. One time I was teaching English as a second language to a group of Spanish men.

One of them was a doctor. I said something like "do you like being a doctor". I know it's a simple question but we were told to ask them simple questions to get them chatting in english.

He said to me "yes I like being a doctor. I'm a gynecologist, so i like it a lot"

OP posts:
kingkongs · 19/10/2023 23:31

It's not inappropriate, it was a relevant question because the mirena coil is commonly used to relieve painful/heavy periods.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:33

kingkongs · 19/10/2023 23:31

It's not inappropriate, it was a relevant question because the mirena coil is commonly used to relieve painful/heavy periods.

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex" is a bit strange in itself? Like of course I've had sex.

If I was a doctor, I wouldn't say to a 40 year old woman "have you ever had sex". It's just weird.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:34

Awkward rather than inappropriate.

The Spanish guy is neither here nor there OP

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:36

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:33

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex" is a bit strange in itself? Like of course I've had sex.

If I was a doctor, I wouldn't say to a 40 year old woman "have you ever had sex". It's just weird.

Show quote history

He meant penetrative sex.

If you haven’t the coil might be difficult / painful to insert.

If your periods are that painful it’s reasonable to consider the coil.

Cincills · 19/10/2023 23:39

Hmm, it was possibly because he was considering offering you the coil, but perhaps it is only covered by the NHS if it’s for contraception , and otherwise you would have had to pay for it.

For example, if you are the pill for contraception, it’s free, but if it’s for another reason (eg skin) and you’re not using it as contraception then you have to pay for the prescription.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:39

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:36

He meant penetrative sex.

If you haven’t the coil might be difficult / painful to insert.

If your periods are that painful it’s reasonable to consider the coil.

Show quote history

It's hard to explain, but the way he goes on, always makes me uncomfortable every time I see him.

My mum said he makes her feel uncomfortable too.

I've had other male doctors that never make me feel uncomfortable

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 19/10/2023 23:39

I think he was clumsy rather than inappropriate.

He can't assume that you've had sex just because you're 39. Some people are asexual, some are virgins, some are gay so won't have had penetrative sex with a man?

He'll have been wanting to suggest the mirena to help with periods and just been clunky in his delivery. I have a coil but was quizzed at length by doctors because I've never had a baby. They have to ask the questions

Bananazebra · 19/10/2023 23:41

Some 39 year olds haven't had sex penetrative or otherwise. Who may be reading this thread. I think it's more polite to ask than assume.
Although, there seem to be valid reasons to not particularly like this doctor anyway.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:41

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:36

He meant penetrative sex.

If you haven’t the coil might be difficult / painful to insert.

If your periods are that painful it’s reasonable to consider the coil.

Show quote history

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

Anyway there are several doctors at the practice. I'll ask for a female doctor next time

OP posts:
Indoorcatmum · 19/10/2023 23:41

A lot of women are virgins at 39 for many reasons including religious and cultural. So your age is not relevant.

Maybe his delivery was awkward but he didn't say anything inappropriate or uncalled for.

However if you felt uncomfortable just don't go back to him.
I would have been fine with what he asked

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