Would you find this inappropriate

[Mooshamoo]

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

He wouldn’t necessarily. Many women break their own hymens by using tampons etc.

What a bastard. Complain and see if you can get him sacked and struck off.
Or just tell him you find those questions uncomfortable. Either works.

I don’t think he was necessarily wrong to be offering advice on contraception because many varieties do help with painful periods, but his manner sounds awkward and he could & should definitely have phrased things in a less intrusive way.

As it was period pain you were seeing him about the questions were relevant.
He could have explained what he was asking a bit better though.
Hope the medication he gave you helps.

I think they must be getting paid to insert that awful coil into as many women as possible. Random coil conversations intruded into every conversation I had at my last practice.

That last line is bollocks. Doctors will be familiar with people in pain thinking they need a painkiller.

He should have explained earlier in the conversation that contraception might help. It was remiss of him to question without clarifying that.

Developing heavy, painful periods can sometimes be a sign of cervical cancer @Mooshamoo. If you've never had sex then the chances of having cervical cancer are much lower.
Also important to know about sex regarding certain forms of contraception which he explained. Painkillers aren't always the best choice and he may have wanted to advise you on this.
It was a relevant question. Just because you didn't know why he asked it doesn't make it not relevant, though he probably could have explained things a bit better to you.

It’s been an absolute lifesaver for me, but it took them years to suggest it. I wish I’d had it a long time before I did.

For goodness sake. This doctor did not explain anything properly. He makes women feel uncomfortable. Trust your instincts.

If the questions are about a coil, he needs to ask, have you thought about the coil for painful periods. I don’t know why we excuse creepy men like this. It is absolutely not acceptable. I’m a doctor and we should have zero tolerance of this behaviour from medical professionals.

Explanations and clear communication are essential.

Quite frankly, I am waiting for the NHS to have its #metoo movement. There is so much sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour from men to colleagues. Goodness knows what goes on between them and their patients who are too scared to raise issues, and think the doctor knows best. Look at the comments on this thread alone.

It is relevant to ask if someone has had sex, if their problem is pelvic pain. For example, pelvic inflammatory disease would be part of the differential diagnosis, and would be really unusual if someone had not had sex. I don't think his questions were inappropriate.

However I wouldn't go back to a doctor that made me so uncomfortable with his manner.

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex"

There are plenty of women who have never had sex so I'm not sure why you think that's inappropriate.

In my experience GPs seem obsessed with making sure all women are on permanent contraception. Every time I have gone to speak to a GP about my periods, or even other things, I always get asked ‘what contraception are you using?’ And I say, condoms/ not in a relationship and then they try and convince me to go on the pill/ coil etc. when I say no thanks, I then get a lecture. I think he was probably thinking about easing your period pains but also double win by preventing an unwanted pregnancy. Questions about sex maybe trying to get an ‘in’ into your sex life so he could then explain why the coil is most certainly necessary. It sounds like he lacks social skills though and doesn’t have a brilliant way with words!

I think it’s you that has the problem with the idea of a 40 year old never having had sex! You GP, however clumsily you feel his delivery was, probably has encountered 40 year olds that have never had sex. Can you just get over that part and focus on whether he was actually inappropriate or not? I think he didn’t explain himself properly as to why he was thinking of the coil, I’m sure if you asked he’d apologise. FWIW I think that would be a waste of time though.

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex

but from a medical point of view, you can’t presume anyone has had sex, surely you understand that? It’s like you want this to be an issue when it’s really not. If you think he’s been inappropriate, report him through the appropriate channels

Indeed, but all we know for sure here is that the doctor made OP ( and her mother?) uncomfortable. OP has problems with many people, so not sure if it was entirely the doctor's fault in this particular case.

Like many Doctors, particularly male ones, he decided that explaining your treatment options to you and why he needed certain information was optional.

His question about why you did not want children was inappropriate as it has no bearing on your current medical condition or the treatment he could offer you.

Not the worst thing in the world for sure, but definitely room for improvement.

I find it really odd that you already felt uncomfortable with him, your mum feels the same, your neighbour feels the same yet you didn't ask to see someone else or have a chaperone? Even if you were called in you can still ask to see someone else and they will have a chaperone policy.
If i was your mum and he did that to me I'd be making a complaint.
Btw i had a mirena, never looked back.

I find it so hard to believe that there’s a doctor that has done what you described to your mum and your neighbour and also has always made you uncomfortable and ‘Independent and confrontational’ you still went for an appointment without asking for a chaperone or asking for another doctor.
I mean there’s no point making all that up just because you want to be right on an anonymous forum.
Also, all we have is your word and the doctor might have prefaced that he wants to see if there’s any other treatment options available for you before he asked those questions but the questions triggered you and that’s all you’re talking about. They were right questions in the context of you going in for a gynae issue and I’m sure if in future, something sinister was discovered as the cause of the pain which could have been tackled head on if discovered early, you’ll also point the blame at the doctors and say you’re always going in for painkillers but no one bothered to get to the bottom of why.
Anyway, if the doctor really always make you uncomfortable then just ask to never see him again.

From ops previous threads what the doctor actually have said, may have been interpreted wrong ly.
But as pp have said if he's as bad as you/your mum/neighbour have all said youve experienced, why wouldn't you complain about him!?

There was a timeline of events.

I last saw him two years ago. And he said something that made me feel a bit uncomfortable that time.

Then the next time I saw him was last week. I was sent a letter asking to go in and see him. When i came out, I went round to my mum's and I said he made me feel uncomfortable. What do you think of him. And she said then that he makes her feel uncomfortable too.

She told me about her experience after I went in, not before it.

Why did he send a letter asking you to go in 2 years after last appointment . That's quite unusual.