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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this inappropriate

211 replies

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:54

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:43

Bananazebra · 19/10/2023 23:41

Some 39 year olds haven't had sex penetrative or otherwise. Who may be reading this thread. I think it's more polite to ask than assume.
Although, there seem to be valid reasons to not particularly like this doctor anyway.

It may be polite to ask if I had gone in looking for a coil. There is no way I would want a coil.

So shouldn't be at least ask me if I wanted a coil first. He didn't ask me if it would be something I would want. He seemed to be trying to push it on me

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 19/10/2023 23:43

I think yabu but it may have been his manner of asking which obviously won't come across here, that made it feel awkward.

I have awful periods and contraception has often been the easiest way to manage them. The coil is used a lot now. There's also other factors like age and sexual activity can have a bearing on the liklihood for cervical cancer etc. So it sounds like his questions were appropriate to me.

On an aside the mini pill and the coil (although it initially gave me awful side effects beforeit settled) were great re:period pain. I've never had much joy with painkillers.

Solonge · 19/10/2023 23:46

Not at all inappropriate. The coil is often used for period pain in preference to the risk of becoming reliant on prescription meds. Having children is often curative for period pains as well. He was being a decent, thorough doctor.

Solonge · 19/10/2023 23:48

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:41

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

Anyway there are several doctors at the practice. I'll ask for a female doctor next time

Show quote history

You would be surprised at the number of 60 year old virgins so not at all a strange question!

MyFaceIsTooShaggyForMySkull · 19/10/2023 23:52

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:58

Looking online, it says you can get the coil even if you've never had sex.

So what he was saying wasn't right.

I think it is supposed to be more painful to fit if you haven't had children. My gynae said it was because my cervix hadn't been stretched. Not sure as to the relevance to having had sex though!

TeaAndTattoos · 19/10/2023 23:53

Think what he was trying to ask in a very clumsy if you have children or plan on having them in the near future because some contraceptives like the coil which is good for painful heavy periods last for 5 years in which time you could meet and marry someone and want a family with them and it can be a nightmare trying to arrange to have the coil removed. He wasn’t trying to be rude or inappropriate he was trying to figure out what would be the right thing to offer you because for all he knows you could’ve gone in there thinking I’ll ask for painkillers but he may have been able to offer a different treatment option that wasn’t painkillers.

pizzaHeart · 19/10/2023 23:53

I’m not surprised that he asked if you ever had sex. It wasn’t a separate question, it was in response to what you’ve said about relationships.
Tbh your answers were a bit odd imo. So it might be just misunderstanding, he assumed that as you were asking for help with painful periods the usual answer, pills, might be helpful. Whereas you only wanted stronger painkillers.

OhNoForever · 19/10/2023 23:53

He was trying to solve your problem, related to your sex organs. Of course its normal to ask about your sex life.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:57

He is just creepy though. There are two other male doctors in that practice who are fine.

My mum said she gets the exact same feeling with this one male doctor. That he always creeps her out.

She said he stands really really close to her when she is sitting down. Uncomfortably close to her so his crotch is nearly in her face. There is just something a bit off about him

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 19/10/2023 23:58

Why do you assume every 39 yo woman has had penetrative sex? I find that rude.

Not every woman has had sex, and many women are gay and not necessarily having penetrative sex. My partner has never been penetrated.

Intelligenthair · 19/10/2023 23:59

pizzaHeart · 19/10/2023 23:53

I’m not surprised that he asked if you ever had sex. It wasn’t a separate question, it was in response to what you’ve said about relationships.
Tbh your answers were a bit odd imo. So it might be just misunderstanding, he assumed that as you were asking for help with painful periods the usual answer, pills, might be helpful. Whereas you only wanted stronger painkillers.

This!

Nothing he asked was inappropriate or clinically irrelevant, and it was in response to the information you gave him. TBH though it sounds like you’ve made up your mind about him 🤷🏻‍♀️

TeaAndTattoos · 19/10/2023 23:59

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:41

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

Anyway there are several doctors at the practice. I'll ask for a female doctor next time

Show quote history

I took care of a 90 odd year old woman who had never married and never had sex she was deeply religious so yes there are people out there who are your age and have never had sex it’s not that bizarre.

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:01

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:41

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

Anyway there are several doctors at the practice. I'll ask for a female doctor next time

Show quote history

Yes. My aunt.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:02

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 19/10/2023 23:58

Why do you assume every 39 yo woman has had penetrative sex? I find that rude.

Not every woman has had sex, and many women are gay and not necessarily having penetrative sex. My partner has never been penetrated.

I didn't say that I assumed that every 39 year old woman has had sex.

I said it was rude and inappropriate for him to ask me have I ever had sex.

I had not gone in to get contraception. I had gone in to get a painkiller.

Going into a doctor with painful periods does not mean that a woman wants to be put on contraception.

I specifically said to him that I wanted a painkiller.

So he had no business at all asking me about my sex life.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:04

you Come across as slightly bizarre. Determined to get people on side over a random GP we’ve never met.

His questions all make sense.

Intelligenthair · 20/10/2023 00:05

The coil is not just used as contraception though, it’s also used to manage painful periods!

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:06

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:02

I didn't say that I assumed that every 39 year old woman has had sex.

I said it was rude and inappropriate for him to ask me have I ever had sex.

I had not gone in to get contraception. I had gone in to get a painkiller.

Going into a doctor with painful periods does not mean that a woman wants to be put on contraception.

I specifically said to him that I wanted a painkiller.

So he had no business at all asking me about my sex life.

Show quote history

And you absolutely DID assume all women of your age have had sex.

I quote “Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex. “

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:07

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:04

you Come across as slightly bizarre. Determined to get people on side over a random GP we’ve never met.

His questions all make sense.

His questions don't make sense at all.

I didn't go in to get contraception, and I made It clear to him that I didn't want contraception. He talked about contraception and I said I don't want to go on any contraception, I just want a painkiller.

He then said "have you ever had sex". Why? For what.

Doctors can't just ask you "have you ever had sex". When you go in to them.

OP posts:
Coulditreallybe · 20/10/2023 00:08

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:02

I didn't say that I assumed that every 39 year old woman has had sex.

I said it was rude and inappropriate for him to ask me have I ever had sex.

I had not gone in to get contraception. I had gone in to get a painkiller.

Going into a doctor with painful periods does not mean that a woman wants to be put on contraception.

I specifically said to him that I wanted a painkiller.

So he had no business at all asking me about my sex life.

Show quote history

You very much did say that. Rude.

you seem determined you’re not being unreasonable but he wasn’t being inappropriate to ask you that at all.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:09

Intelligenthair · 20/10/2023 00:05

The coil is not just used as contraception though, it’s also used to manage painful periods!

I know that! I told him I didn't want to use any form of contraception to help with periods.

I only wanted a painkiller.

OP posts:
bronkie · 20/10/2023 00:10

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:27

That reminds me of something else. One time I was teaching English as a second language to a group of Spanish men.

One of them was a doctor. I said something like "do you like being a doctor". I know it's a simple question but we were told to ask them simple questions to get them chatting in english.

He said to me "yes I like being a doctor. I'm a gynecologist, so i like it a lot"

You need to watch Mind Your Language 😂

EmmaEmerald · 20/10/2023 00:11

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 19/10/2023 21:58

There does seem to be a campaign to get women of a certain age to agree to having a coil - I hd to have IVF yet I lose count of the number of times I’m asked if I’ve considered having one - and I’m usually in for my asthma or a chest infection, plus in well past having any more kids in my 50’s!

They get money for the coil, just like with smear tests.

I do think he was inappropriate, yes. I can't think of any reason that might be relevant to any pain relief. He asked one nosey question and then continued asking more.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 20/10/2023 00:11

Dear God! I really can’t believe there are nearly 25% of respondents who think this poor doctor was a bit off. For goodness sake he has to ask questions to get to a diagnosis. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:11

Coulditreallybe · 20/10/2023 00:08

You very much did say that. Rude.

you seem determined you’re not being unreasonable but he wasn’t being inappropriate to ask you that at all.

Show quote history

So to say again.

I went in and said to him at the start " I do not want to take any form of contraception to help with painful periods".

Under what grounds is it then relevant for him to ask me have I ever had sex?

How is that relevant for a painkiller. Please explain

OP posts:
ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:11

His questions were fine but the delivery sounds very awkward and wrong. It can be confusing as a patient when you do not know why you are being asked certain questions.