Would you find this inappropriate

[Mooshamoo]

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

I didn't go in specifically to seek a prescription painkiller though. Does anyone? I just wanted one that would work.

When I said over the counter ones didn't work, I meant the generic ones like anadin and paracetamol didn't work. And I wanted to know what one to specifically take for period pain.

If he recommended an over the counter one, that was fine. If he recommended a prescription one that would have been fine too. I just wanted to get one that was more specifically for period cramps.

Oh gosh, so sorry you've been through this... another 'Mirena coil' pusher, right?

I'm not joking you could go to your GP with a runny nose and they're offering the Mirena coil . They must be getting paid a LOT of money for inserting it is all I can think.

I have a lot of gynae stuff going on myself, the stuff of nightmares, and chronic pain, I have found that codeine is the only medication that helps and even if the GP won't prescribe, it can be bought over the counter from Boots 12.5mg codeine plus paracetamol 'co-codamol', get their own brand. It's quite a high dose considering OTC. However, best if your GP prescribes. I have found 30mg codeine mostly sufficient to deal with pain, plus taking anti-inflammatory every day, ibuprofen is fine but sometimes GP will prescribe mefenamic acid NSAID.

Anyway your doctor sounds very manipulative and coercive. When I was young, a long time ago, I was very naive and really strikingly good looking (I was working as a fashion model). It wasn't for years later, unfortunately because I was in active addiction back then, until I realised that my male doctors had been molesting me by using any ruse whatsoever to give me 'physical' and 'internal' examinations. It happened a lot and none of it was valid.

His questions were intrusive and inappropriate, also 'leading you' to accepting a coil as if it was from A to B quite logically. But it's not. I guess us women need to learn how to think on our feet and push back in the moment when people are being abusive.

It sounds like the doctor was thinking ahead, and asked you things all in the wrong order, which ended up sounding intrusive, irrelevant and inappropriate.

Your feelings are your feelings, it's not your problem if he's harmless but awkward.

Awkward men do creep women out: men are a threat to us and we have no way of telling the dangerous ones from those with good intentions, so it's natural to be suspicious of men who are a bit "off". It's sad for those men, but it's not our problem to solve: our safety and anxiety come first.

So shouldn't be at least ask me if I wanted a coil first. He didn't ask me if it would be something I would want. He seemed to be trying to push it on me

No, it’s called medical management. Otherwise you could have a robot generating and dispensing scripts based on patient request. There is a reason this does not occur.

I suggest you see a female Dr in future, as it seems that you would find any male Dr inappropriate tbh. I say that as a female.

Rather, than just writing a prescription for whatever you wanted, the clinician appeared to do the actual job they are meant to by considering how you could be optimally clinically managed. In this area, as part of that, it is relevant whether you have kids, have finished having kids, are undecided, are actively trying, are considering trying in the future and when. If the best course is to consider contraception they could work through options with you. Even saying you don’t want it, it’s best to find out what the hesitation is based on, and whether you can address any potential misconceptions/misinformation this may be based on. It’s opening up the opportunity for that discussion, not ‘pushing something on you’. Keep in mind people only generally provide feedback on a negative experience with something. From every 100 people who are happy, and you never hear about, only the 1 negative gets ‘airtime’. So even if you have have hundreds of negative opinions about something someone is on, you will never hear the several thousands who are quietly happy as they have no complaints to air.

By working through this, you may well arrive at the same ending, that is, being prescribed painkillers, but the reality is the Dr has done their job properly. Although, as before, I sense this will never be accepted if they are male so save everyone the grief and just see females. It also works two ways, back in the day, many patients didn’t want to see female Dr’s as they were believed to be obviously silly, and not as good as male Dr’s. Now, a male is creepy just for being a Dr in many minds. How far the pendulum has swung! And yes, I’ve experienced this whole shift.

I had no idea till reading this thread that the coil can help with painful periods so I would've been 'WTF?!' too about his questions. However in context it sounds fine - though he should have explained his thought process when he could see you were uncomfortable.

I suppose he's seeing the coil purely in terms of a reliable, non-addictive form of pain relief which might suit you better, whilst to you (and me!) the coil is a contraceptive so I'd be wondering 'why are you asking such intrusive questions when I just want some painkillers? ' but it makes sense now PP have explained.

Yabu, but I would've been too!

HeWU to not explain himself properly.

Stop drip feeding. You're trying to make this into something it's not.

I said on the very first page about my mum.

Drip feeding is when you say things much later on in a thread.

It sounds so awkward for you, maybe he was trying to ascertain if an STD was causing you pain, trying to be thorough, hence asking if you've had sex. You don't need to explain your reasons ever for not wanting children though.💐

I can't help but think the doctor has had a lucky escape if you (and your mother) no longer want to see him!

I get what you’re saying and instinct does matter. Also
he could have said something like ‘you could consider the coil for heavy periods, it’s suitable for women of your age who are or who have been sexually active in the past.’

it sounds like his questions even before that were weird though and inappropriate the way he asked you about children more than once.

Aside from that, doctors are desperate to stick mirena coils up anyone who even walks near to the surgery I’m surprised they don’t run run outside and try to insert them in passers-by 😂

He stuck his crotch right into my 75 year old mother's face. She said he was standing so close to her, that he was nearly on top of her. And that she felt scared of him.

Yet he's the lucky one according to you.

Right..

I think we are the lucky ones , not to have to see him ever again.

The last time I came out of his office, I rang my mother and I said to her "that is the last time I am ever seeing him"

Poster - AIBU
Everyone - yes
Poster - drip, drip, drip. Added in the mother and now the neighbour.

Honestly the dr did or said nothing wrong for the issue you went in for, now if you had gone in with an ear infection then yes those questions would have been inappropriate, for a gynae issue - absolutely not.

He wasn’t inappropriate and you’re way overthinking your appointment.

The Spanish Dr wasn’t being inappropriate either. He was in an English lesson and it was his way of telling you he liked his job.

i think it would be better all round if you stick to female Drs from now on as you do seem determined to find fault with a male Dr where there’s none.

@Mooshamoo exactly. You're drip feeding.

You've now added your neighbour. Who next, the local vicar?

I'm sorry you have had experiences that have caused you to see men as inappropriate and creepy. Unfortunately because some are, we can sometimes have a heightened level of caution around them all. Especially where we have to interact with them on quite a personal level like our doctors.
The subjects he discussed with you seem OK as sex/reproduction is part of your overall health. But I'm not going to disbelieve you about his manner if you say he was creepy.
If I were you I'd request a chaperone for future visits. A nurse at the practice maybe? It may give you peace of mind to have a woman present.

Not wanting to see a female doctor because she's 'silly' is not in any way comparable to not wanting to see a male doctor who makes you feel uncomfortable @HoppingPavlova
The prejudice against women in medicine who were fully qualified and capable, just the same as the men, was baseless sexism.
The OP is speaking of feeling uncomfortable due to her experience with a man and feeling sexually vulnerable. You nor anyone else know if she has grounds or not as we weren't there to witness his tone and manner, so have no idea if it's baseless. She hasn't decided he's silly or incapable on the basis of his sex, so it's an entirely false equivalence.

Most people in this line of work would have learned it's best not to assume. For all he knows you've only been with other women all your life too, so may never have had penetrative sex.

Yes, you said to him that you wanted a painkiller. It would be remiss of him not to think of solutions that would address your pain and offer you all options rather than just write a script. That seems more thorough.

I aren't aware of any 40 year old women virgins but I do know a couple of men who are that age and virgins. Even older than 40.

In the end, you don't feel comfortable with this doctor, so see a different one.

I wouldn’t get far in medicine if I were this judgmental!

It’s not at all unheard of for people in their 30s and much much older to not have had sex. I’d never assume that someone had.

Please don’t complain about him OP. It doesn’t sound like he has done anything wrong.

the reason I say this is because having suffered from a chronic illness for a very long time, I finally found a really lovely GP who actually listened to me, and yes he asked a lot of questions, all necessary in order to get to the right treatment.

Within 6 months of me finding this wonderful doctor, a female patient made a complaint about him and he got suspended.

I live in a country town in Australia where good doctors a very hard to come by. This poor doctor was distraught and he was not even told the nature of the complaint or who complained.

the consequences of this, is that all the patients on his list have been unable to see a doctor for the past 18 months. The best we can get is a Tele appointment with the practice nurse or visit the emergency dept at the town hospital for an emergency.

Nobody knows, obviously, what the complaint was, but if it was a frivolous thing because someone felt offended or a bit funny about personal questions then the amount of fallout has been tragic for everyone including the doctor and his other patients.

I think the way generally doctors speak to women about contraception/periods/menopause is appalling.

I chose to have the mirena fitted and developed crippling anxiety. I read up on links to mirena and anxiety and decided after it had been in a year to have it removed (I was 39). I was spoken too like I was a irresponsible child. Questioned repeatedly, told that it would be my fault if I got pregnant and put my self at risk with a geriatric pregnancy. And when I explained my husband and I intended to use condoms was told they are not as reliable as the coil. Which may be true but they are reliable enough to be considered an effective method.

When I reached mid forties and started having heavy periods (as in having to change moon cup hourly for the first 2 days) I went to GP and was told I needed the coil fitting. I said I didn't want it and was told there was nothing else they could do.

I agree op, the doctor should have said "I could prescribe a contraceptive " at which point you could have told him you don't want a artificial hormone in your body and would prefer a painkiller.

I’m sorry that you felt uncomfortable although It’s a gynae problem, of course he asked about sex and children. He wouldn’t be doing his job properly if he wasn’t exploring what was causing it.

It is your right to not see him again but don’t be discussing his creepiness with the neighbours. That’s not fair.

aif you felt uncomfortable, that’s what matters.

However, I do know women i! their early 40s, who have never had sex. Just saying they exist. It’s unusual but not strange and being a doctor, he must come across a whole range of of patients.

YANBU

If he is asking questions he should explain why he is asking them.

eg 'The contraceptive coil has been effective for some women in treating period pain but isnt suitable for women who havent had penetrative sex, would you consider that?'

OP can then say 'I don't need/want contraception and have heard a lot of negative opinions about the coil'

Just diving into questions about sex without explanation is at best inept.

Does your GP practice have a manager? If so, give feedback. It doesnt have to be a complaint in the sense that he needs punishment but he does need to reflect on how he is communicating with patients.

OP, as you’ve mentioned previously, just ask for a different doctor next time. He made you uncomfortable and there’s no denying that.