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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this inappropriate

211 replies

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:54

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 20/10/2023 06:43

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:33

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex" is a bit strange in itself? Like of course I've had sex.

If I was a doctor, I wouldn't say to a 40 year old woman "have you ever had sex". It's just weird.

Show quote history

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex" is a bit strange in itself? Like of course I've had sex

There’s no ‘of course’ about it.

Your answers previously about being ‘independent’ May have suggested loud never had a relationship, and therefore never had sex. These questions were relevant for a multitude of diagnostic reasons, another being the likelihood of HPV and cervical changes.

BusyMum47 · 20/10/2023 06:44

@Mooshamoo I don't know why you're even asking if you're being unreasonable when you quite clearly & very strongly don't believe you are?!

sammylady37 · 20/10/2023 06:46

A doctor is not a shop-keeper, it’s not a matter of going in asking for something and being given it without question. It sounds like the doctor was being thorough in his questioning to ascertain what was causing your pain, rule out more serious causes rather than just attribute it to painful periods and come up with reasonable solutions rather than just doling out analgesia to mask the symptoms.

VisionsOfSplendour · 20/10/2023 06:52

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 03:29

He stuck his crotch right into my 75 year old mother's face. She said he was standing so close to her, that he was nearly on top of her. And that she felt scared of him.

Yet he's the lucky one according to you.

Right..

I think we are the lucky ones , not to have to see him ever again.

The last time I came out of his office, I rang my mother and I said to her "that is the last time I am ever seeing him"

Show quote history

So you said you weren't going to see him again then went to see him again?

Your whole manner seems very contradictory, youre even trying to deny you posted things that we can all see you literally said

sammylady37 · 20/10/2023 07:05

Interesting how the op has upped the drama with some details, going from how he makes her mother uncomfortable and She said he stands really really close to her when she is sitting down. Uncomfortably close to her so his crotch is nearly in her face

to

he stuck his crotch right into my 75 year old mother’s face. She said that he was standing so close to her that he was nearly on top of her. And that she felt scared of him

And the neighbour gets added in as well.

Almost as if the op is adding to the story when posters are telling her she’s being unreasonable.

Proseccoismyfriend · 20/10/2023 07:08

I don't think it's appropriate to justask women "have you ever had sex" when they go in for a painkiller though.

It wasn't relevant to what I was asking for, and I didnt want to talk to him about my sex life.

Now that I think of it -, I've seen at least 3 other female doctors about my painful periods over the last couple of years, and not one of them ever asked me "have I ever had sex. "

Because you have been in a few times with the same issue over a couple of years, chances are he's hoping to find a better solution than painkillers so unfortunately he needs to ask appropriate but uncomfortable questions. You've made up your mind, he makes you feel uncomfortable so just book with someone else in future and move on.

Canisaysomething · 20/10/2023 07:27

If you want to know what over the counter painkiller is best for periods, a pharmacist can help you with that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/10/2023 07:44

Frances0911 · 20/10/2023 00:52

When my doctor told me that blood tests confirmed I'd had the menopause, the first thing he asked was if I wanted to go on HRT, and the second question he asked was, are you finding having sex uncomfortable. I was absolutely mortified, especially as I was divorced and not even in a relationship at the time.

Good doctor, there.

That question saves many women from the pain of vaginal atrophy, as a yes can result in an additional prescription for oestrogen pessaries. And there's potential for somebody to describe symptoms of prolapse.

Lightningrain · 20/10/2023 07:51

I’ve had a doctor ask whether I have children in relation to contraception because there are some coils they don’t like to fit in women that haven’t given birth. Maybe it’s the same idea with penetrative sex.

They do suggest contraceptives as a remedy for painful periods as I’ve had the pill for that reason (and the coil was suggested also). I suspect the intentions were there regarding pain relief but he didn’t explain himself very well.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 20/10/2023 07:53

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 23:41

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

Anyway there are several doctors at the practice. I'll ask for a female doctor next time

Show quote history

I'm sure there are some that haven't had sex. You might be asexual or a lesbian who's never had sex with a man. If he's considering the coil to help with painful periods it's relevant. Not sure if it's the same now but they used to only fit coils for women who've had children.

LusaBatoosa · 20/10/2023 09:00

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 01:43

With the greatest of respect. Not almost everyone here has disagreed with me.

And saying "why don't you want children" is not appropriate for a doctor to say.

Got it's late. It's nearly 2. I'd better go to bed.

Show quote history

At time of writing, 74% have voted YABU. That’s very much the majority.

You're being massively weird.

LusaBatoosa · 20/10/2023 09:03

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 02:02

Ahhhh.

Again, for people in the back.

I never said that I think that every forty year old woman has had sex.

I said about age in the context of what he asked me, that I couldn't understand why he asked me that.
My age was one reason why I couldn't understand. That I hadn't asked for contraception was another reason.

I don't know how many times I need to say this. I do not think and I never did think, that every forty year old woman in the world has had sex.

I live in the Republic of Ireland . Many nuns taught me and live near me. I know that they choose not to have sex.

Christ almighty. Why would I possibly think that every forty year old woman in the whole world has had sex. I don't!

Show quote history

Yet you said: Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex. Do you know any forty year old women that haven't had sex.

WeWereInParis · 20/10/2023 09:07

Do you not think asking a 39 year old woman "have you ever had sex" is a bit strange in itself? Like of course I've had sex.

I think it would be worse for a dr to just assume someone had had sex.

WeWereInParis · 20/10/2023 09:07

but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex.

There is no of course about it

WeWereInParis · 20/10/2023 09:09

I didn't say that I assumed that every 39 year old woman has had sex.

You literally said "of course she has had sex" when referring to 39 year old women

PrincessNoteSpelling · 20/10/2023 09:11

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 20/10/2023 00:47

I am unsure why you have asked for an opinion from people and then are being combative. I think the only one being odd here is you.

His questions seemed perfectly relevant after you mentioned about the period pains.

Some 39 year olds haven't had penetrative sex so obviously he can't assume. Gosh I am surprised you are 39 and can't tell this doctor was asking normal questions!!!

Absolutely this. Think this is obe of those threads where the only acceptable response for the op is 'poor you, how dreadful is everyone to you. Quick complain about this gp. How dare he offer medical advice and not just do your bidding.'

Coulditreallybe · 20/10/2023 09:47

ahhh

i was wondering why your responses were so odd and combative

i need to check usernames more often 🤣

HoppingPavlova · 20/10/2023 09:59

She hasn't decided he's silly or incapable on the basis of his sex, so it's an entirely false equivalence

She has decided he is weird and some sort of medical pervert based solely on his sex/gender (??) though. It’s not uncommon these days.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 20/10/2023 10:08

Coulditreallybe · 20/10/2023 09:47

ahhh

i was wondering why your responses were so odd and combative

i need to check usernames more often 🤣

Double ahh but only because I accidentally clicked into 'similar threads' and brought another of ops threads. Is that what that does link to your previous threads?

Fionaville · 20/10/2023 10:29

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 01:37

A hilarious thing to say to someone who feels uncomfortable after seeing the doctor.

There are a lot of responses like - you're being too sensitive and he's just asking questions, which are fine.

However, there are also a lot of male doctors who abuse their positions. That happens too

There was a doctor near me who recently got into big trouble. Girls would go into see him about sore throats and headaches, and he felt her breasts. It happened several times , and girls started complaining.

Some Male doctors can and do abuse their position

Show quote history

I'd already given you two, sensible, well thought out responses. Which you didn't acknowledge, but you did this one. What's hilarious is that you think you can go into a doctors office and demand pain killers without answering any questions to investigate why you're in pain.
You didn't have a sore throat and have your boobs felt. You have gynae issues and were asked gynae questions.

ForfarBridie · 20/10/2023 10:41

I don't think it's appropriate to justask women "have you ever had sex" when they go in for a painkiller though

I suspect the OP was asked if she was sexually active and in her mind this translated ‘have you ever had sex’.

SamAndEIIa · 20/10/2023 10:56

ForfarBridie · 20/10/2023 10:41

I don't think it's appropriate to justask women "have you ever had sex" when they go in for a painkiller though

I suspect the OP was asked if she was sexually active and in her mind this translated ‘have you ever had sex’.

I don’t know, I believe they have stopped asking it that way as there is ambiguity about what “sexually actively” means (eg two women in a same sex relationship having non penetrative sex, or someone who has had sex previously but no longer has sex)

I believe they use more straightforward language to get a straightforward answer. And I don’t see how the specific wording changes whether it’s appropriate or not, it’s a perfectly appropriate question regardless of the words used to convey it (except if the doctor was actually crude of course, which he wasn’t)

Conkersinautumn · 20/10/2023 11:04

It's absolutely OK to ask for a different doctor. In my experience they don't even ask why. They just accept the preference. Of course it can mean a longer delay but there's one doctor at my large practice I'd really rather not see, I'm not sure if the receptionists have put a note on my file because I've not been offered an appointment with him since I once said "is there a different doctor, I don't mind calling back another day".

TheFireflies · 20/10/2023 11:26

MyFaceIsTooShaggyForMySkull · 19/10/2023 23:52

I think it is supposed to be more painful to fit if you haven't had children. My gynae said it was because my cervix hadn't been stretched. Not sure as to the relevance to having had sex though!

Show quote history

Yes, I have mine removed/inserted under a light general anaesthetic as it’s too painful otherwise, exacerbated by my childlessness.

KimberleyClark · 20/10/2023 11:30

TheyreEatingThemInNelsonAndTheBluff · 19/10/2023 21:56

The coil is often suggested for painful/heavy periods. He was clumsily checking re the children I suppose.

So why did he look shocked when OP said she wouldn’t be having any children?

He could have just said that there are things which can help with heavy painful periods which are usually used as contraception, how would you feel about one of those?

OP I think he was really inappropriate.

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