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Original poster

Would you find this inappropriate

211 replies

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:54

I recently went to my male doctor. He sent me a letter to go in and see him. I had gone in about stomach pain a couple of weeks before.

I was saying to him that I had really painful periods. And I asked to get a stronger painkiller as over the counter I was weren't working.

He said "do you have children" I said "no and I won't be having any". I'm 39.

He looked shocked and said " why wont you be having children?".

None of his business. But I said an answer

I said "eh because I'm quite Independent".

He said "so what are you doing to stop having children".

I said "eh I'm not currently having relationships or being with men "

He then said "have you ever had sex?".

At this point , I was like eh why is he asking
that, it's a bit of a strange question. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I mumbled something like "yes but not since my last boyfriend". He sensed the awkwardness in the room so he said at that point "I'm only asking that because I can't put you on one of these contraceptives (the coil) if you've never had sex.

I hadn't gone in to get a cobtraceptive, I had gone in to get a painkiller. Ksaid 'i dont want to be put on a contraceptive, I want to get a painkiller" . He then did give me a painkiller.

I went out feeling a bit uncomfortable . What do you think. I know he wasn't extremely extremely inappropriate, but he was a bit inappropriate I think.

OP posts:
Justwondering36 · 20/10/2023 00:14

I think the questions about whether you have children, were planning to have children and about penetrative sex were relevant and not rude, but he could have explained his thoughts and the context a bit more.

”I see you are having painful periods and have requested painkillers. Some women find having a coil fitted can help with painful/heavy periods, however we wouldn’t fit one if you are planning on ttc l or have never had penetrative sex.”

Questioning why you don’t plan to have children is rude.

It sounds like you haven’t taken to him generally so you can request to see one of the other doctors in future.

ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:16

Is there anything else about him that creeps you out? ... I mean we all know the creepy man vibe. Sometimes it's just that vibe.

SamAndEIIa · 20/10/2023 00:16

MyFaceIsTooShaggyForMySkull · 19/10/2023 23:52

I think it is supposed to be more painful to fit if you haven't had children. My gynae said it was because my cervix hadn't been stretched. Not sure as to the relevance to having had sex though!

Show quote history

Weirdly, they never asked me about the delivery method of my children. I have the cervix of someone who has never had kids.

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:16

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:11

So to say again.

I went in and said to him at the start " I do not want to take any form of contraception to help with painful periods".

Under what grounds is it then relevant for him to ask me have I ever had sex?

How is that relevant for a painkiller. Please explain

Show quote history

History.

To establish if there’s a chance of some Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, STIs, etc.

The coil chat could simply be to see if you’d be open to discussion about it.

Hes asking totally acceptable questions. You appear to have hang ups.

Fionaville · 20/10/2023 00:17

They were all relevant and appropriate questions. You've gone with gynaecology issues and all questions were in relation to that. I will say though, that when you have a baby, you get less sensitive about all of those questions, because you get asked them all alot. Obviously that doesn't apply to you, but I do think you're old enough to not be surprised by them.

mumofgirls35 · 20/10/2023 00:17

I think he went about it the wrong way but I don't think the intention was inappropriate. It would make me feel uncomfortable too if someone i didn't know asked me why I wasn't planning to have children. It's a very personal question and really it's for the individual to offer that information, not be asked.

ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:18

Mooshamoo · 19/10/2023 21:58

Looking online, it says you can get the coil even if you've never had sex.

So what he was saying wasn't right.

Yes but the doctor would need to break your hymen and it's quite painful for a woman who hasn't had sex.

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/10/2023 00:20

If you and your mum think he's creepy, why don't you ask for a different doctor when making appointments? And put in a complaint about him to the practice manager if he's that bad?

whynotwhatknot · 20/10/2023 00:20

there probably isnt apainkiller he wants to recommed long term when there are other solutions tothe pain

its not weird to ask about sex when your problem is in your ovaries

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:21

Yeah he just gives off a pervy vibe. It's one of those things where you just wouldn't want to go back to him.

The last time I saw him was two years ago. As he works in a go practice with a lot of doctors and I see a different one every time I go in.

I remember when I saw him two years ago I felt creeped out by him too. I went in with a painful knee, and he said something to me about taking my clothes off that didn't feel right. I can't remember exactly what he said now but I remember feeling creeped out by him then too.

I always come out form seeing him feeling like I need a shower

The other male doctors in that place are fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:23

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/10/2023 00:20

If you and your mum think he's creepy, why don't you ask for a different doctor when making appointments? And put in a complaint about him to the practice manager if he's that bad?

Edited

Yeah I didnt call to make an appointment.

I got sent out a letter from the go practice saying to go in and see him specifically.

Next time , if I'm sent a letter to go in and see him, I'm going to ask if there is a female doctor a available instead.

OP posts:
ElFupacabra · 20/10/2023 00:24

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:02

I didn't say that I assumed that every 39 year old woman has had sex.

I said it was rude and inappropriate for him to ask me have I ever had sex.

I had not gone in to get contraception. I had gone in to get a painkiller.

Going into a doctor with painful periods does not mean that a woman wants to be put on contraception.

I specifically said to him that I wanted a painkiller.

So he had no business at all asking me about my sex life.

Show quote history

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex.

Right here is where you’re assuming. I’ve never met a 40 year old woman who says like so much but I have met one whom is a virgin.

Workingitout1 · 20/10/2023 00:25

Plenty of people who haven’t had sex don’t have a hymen

i don’t think his questions were unreasonable, it may of been the way it was worded. After hideous, heavy, painful periods from the age of 13, the merina coil has been a blessed relief. Hardly any periods, when I get them they are light and not painful. Mood swings that went with them have also pretty much disappeared, having previously been in a very dark place 2-3 days a month. I love it. It’s not for everyone, but it is an option. But obviously it’s not for those who want kids soon, and post children my cervix is a lot more open than it was.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:27

ElFupacabra · 20/10/2023 00:24

Yes but why would you ask a 40 year old woman has she ever had sex. It's a bizarre question to ask. Of course she has had sex.

Right here is where you’re assuming. I’ve never met a 40 year old woman who says like so much but I have met one whom is a virgin.

Show quote history

Ok to clarify. I didnt mean by that , that I assume that every 40 year old woman has sex. I was talking about myself and I also meant that there was absolutely no need for him to ask me it.

I meant that it was a bizzare and irrelevant thing for him to ask me, when I had already told him that I didn't want contraception.

OP posts:
SamAndEIIa · 20/10/2023 00:27

ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:18

Yes but the doctor would need to break your hymen and it's quite painful for a woman who hasn't had sex.

Show quote history

Nonsense 😂

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/10/2023 00:29

Well as someone who has the Mirena IUD I would highly recommend it! Havent had a period for years. My DD wants to get one but needs her endo investigated first unfortunately, she has 2 days off a month due to her period pain.

I think you went in with a "he is a creep" thought at the back of your mind and are trying to find whatever will fit that narrative.

He may not have put it in the best way, but that doesnt mean that what he was asking was inappropriate if he was thinking of a way that would solve your problem rather than just masking it.

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 20/10/2023 00:30

Cincills · 19/10/2023 23:39

Hmm, it was possibly because he was considering offering you the coil, but perhaps it is only covered by the NHS if it’s for contraception , and otherwise you would have had to pay for it.

For example, if you are the pill for contraception, it’s free, but if it’s for another reason (eg skin) and you’re not using it as contraception then you have to pay for the prescription.

This isn't always true. I had my coil fitted as treatment for endometriosis, I made it clear that I wasn't using it for contraception. Still all covered by the NHS

ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:31

SamAndEIIa · 20/10/2023 00:27

Nonsense 😂

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It's really not ... If you are a virgin. Having a huge speculum inserted can be a bit of a shock. You can't assume anything in healthcare too. Some women are virgins age 40.

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:31

Perhaps it’s more polite to ask about your sex life than to ask about abuse of pain relief drugs? Maybe he suspects your refusal to address the issue is a mask for something else?

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:32

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/10/2023 00:29

Well as someone who has the Mirena IUD I would highly recommend it! Havent had a period for years. My DD wants to get one but needs her endo investigated first unfortunately, she has 2 days off a month due to her period pain.

I think you went in with a "he is a creep" thought at the back of your mind and are trying to find whatever will fit that narrative.

He may not have put it in the best way, but that doesnt mean that what he was asking was inappropriate if he was thinking of a way that would solve your problem rather than just masking it.

Yeah maybe. I do get that. Maybe he was just trying his best.

I personally am not going to see him again though. I don't know why but every time I see him I feel stressed and nervous, and I don't feel like that with the other doctors. I always feel really uncomfrlortable after seeing him

OP posts:
SamAndEIIa · 20/10/2023 00:33

ChickenNugget6 · 20/10/2023 00:31

It's really not ... If you are a virgin. Having a huge speculum inserted can be a bit of a shock. You can't assume anything in healthcare too. Some women are virgins age 40.

Show quote history

Im not saying that a speculum being inserted isn’t a shock, nor am I saying that there are no 40 year old virgins.

However, having to “break a hymen” because someone has not had penetrative sex is nonsense.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:35

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:31

Perhaps it’s more polite to ask about your sex life than to ask about abuse of pain relief drugs? Maybe he suspects your refusal to address the issue is a mask for something else?

Well I've certainly never abused pain relief drugs. I only take painkillers during my periods.

He didn't give me a prescription for any real strong addictive painkiller. I looked it up online. He just gave me a painkiller that is specifically for period pain.

I only take them during periods. I'm certainly not someone to abuse painkillers

OP posts:
newusernamejacket · 20/10/2023 00:36

His questions were fine but his social skills or the way he asked them might have been awkward. I think some men get labeled creepy unfairly. Sometimes they just are awkward or don't have great social skills.

Tambatamba · 20/10/2023 00:38

Coils make your periods more heavy and painful, not less. Unless it's mirena?

Rachie1973 · 20/10/2023 00:39

Mooshamoo · 20/10/2023 00:35

Well I've certainly never abused pain relief drugs. I only take painkillers during my periods.

He didn't give me a prescription for any real strong addictive painkiller. I looked it up online. He just gave me a painkiller that is specifically for period pain.

I only take them during periods. I'm certainly not someone to abuse painkillers

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Exactly.

but he doesn’t know that anymore than he knows what’s going on inside you right now. He’s looking for solutions