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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
MamaBear2210T · 19/10/2023 12:37

The police would just laugh at this. It's not harassment.

takealettermsjones · 19/10/2023 12:38

He's bonkers.

HermioneWeasley · 19/10/2023 12:38

Has he always been an abusive bully?

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:39

@MamaBear2210T he is saying that this couple are his friends not mine, which is true, I met them through him.

He is basically saying I can’t say anything or give any impression of anything on social media etc to anyone he knows. I wouldn’t actually do this as I hate social media but it’s made me feel really uncomfortable

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 19/10/2023 12:40

Legally he only has to pay CMS and if he went to the police then he'd be laughed at so don't worry about that.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 19/10/2023 12:40

He's delusional. No way is this harassment.

CalistoNoSolo · 19/10/2023 12:41

God, what an utter shit he is. No, the police will fo nothing. Personally I would be telling everyone who would listen about his shitty scrooge behaviour.

Kerrylass · 19/10/2023 12:41

His trying to control the narrative. His embarrassed at some level that he contributes so little and doesn't want anyone knowing it.
He hasnt got anything on you

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 19/10/2023 12:41

Nah! I’d tell everyone. Btw, I think CMS is the absolute bare minimum and it’s lousy and doesn’t really take in the actual costs of everything. The police will be wetting themselves laughing at this knob.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2023 12:41

It’s not harassment to discuss CMS. He likely knows he pays a pittance and is more worried that people will think he’s a tight git more than his DD’s welfare. Harassment would only be if you were bombarding him with messages/calls or banging on his door. He’s using your anxiety to get you to drop the subject. Sounds like a charmer.

sprigatito · 19/10/2023 12:42

No

fedupandstuck · 19/10/2023 12:42

It's not harassment and you haven't actually done or said anything about him anyway.

Given his attitude, I would stop all communication with him and assume that you're not going to get anything other than the bare minimum he is forced to pay to you.

Mosaic123 · 19/10/2023 12:42

As long as you are telling the truth I don't see how it can be of interest to the Police.

On the other hand I would refrain from putting it on social media as it's your private business and not necessary for everyone to know about.

Texts to selected friends that are true are fine!

mewkins · 19/10/2023 12:43

It's not harassment and you're not even slandering him if it's true.

sprigatito · 19/10/2023 12:43

Posted by mistake! No, he can't use the police to shut you up. You're not lying or defaming him, you're talking about your own finances ffs. He's pathetic.

Whattodo112222 · 19/10/2023 12:44

He is a bully - but legitimately you can't do anything if he is paying via CMS, he is paying you the legal minimum.
It is an absolutely broken system but realistically there is nothing you can do to get more money out of him for Nursery fees.
I paid £26k in Nursery fees in 3 years for my daughter by myself because my ex paid £46 a week CMS (despite being a 75K earner) the minute I lodged a claim with CMS, he suddenly reverts to "being self employed" the age old trick.
He sounds like a total waste of space.
I wouldn't keep asking him for anything, the Police will just laugh at him - but you give him more rope by continually asking.

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 12:44

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does. He doesn’t have to contribute to childcare on your time.

But no, the police wouldn’t take this seriously.

Bleepbloopbluurp · 19/10/2023 12:44

It's not harassment. What an absolute baby. Just ignore his bullshit.

lionsleepstonight · 19/10/2023 12:46

He's bonkers, but are you claiming everything you can as you can get a large % of childcare fees covered if you are on a low income.

Acornsoup · 19/10/2023 12:47

CMS is the minimum payable and it barely scraps the surface. The police would not entertain this as harassment even if it were true. This is their definition:

Stalking and harassment is when someone repeatedly behaves in a way that makes you feel scared, distressed or threatened. There are different types of stalking and harassment and anyone can be a victim. Stalking and harassment are offences under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.

He is saying this to manage your behaviour. He is asserting control over you with a threat. OP I recommend you have as little to do with him as possible.

If you are divorcing get lots of advice before signing a financial settlement. Good luck OP Flowers

emmylousings · 19/10/2023 12:49

The police will have a laugh about it behind his back coz he's a prat.

ginasevern · 19/10/2023 12:52

@ThanksDep

I would call his bluff and say you are going to the police because he is effectively threatening you. He's a pathetic dickhead. The police would wet themselves laughing at him.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 19/10/2023 12:55

I bet he’s telling friends and family he’s paying a fortune, you’re bleeding him dry etc and doesn’t want to be called out on it

ilovelamp82 · 19/10/2023 13:01

I'd definitely tell his friends he gives you the bare minimum and threatens you. He knows he should be ashamed of it otherwise why would he care.

The police would laugh at him. He just thinks he can scare you.

Lemonyfuckit · 19/10/2023 13:04

sprigatito · 19/10/2023 12:43

Posted by mistake! No, he can't use the police to shut you up. You're not lying or defaming him, you're talking about your own finances ffs. He's pathetic.

To be honest even if she was (lying), that's a civil matter not a criminal one, so absolutely no interest to the police.

But as people have said, they would absolutely laugh at his notion that they care about you telling people he pays a pittance for the upkeep of his daughter (as well he knows as he's using this threat to control you).