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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 19/10/2023 13:53

Txt him back:is it a threat?
and then leave it.
don’t txt him if you are going to tell people or not going or that it’s not a harassment ( it’s not but don’t involve yourself in any conversations on this with him)

PurplePanther1 · 19/10/2023 14:00

If the conversation crops up with these friends again, I would tell them that you cannot tell them what he is or IS NOT paying, as he has threatened to go to the police if you do. See what these friends of his make of him after that.

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:03

PenguinRainbows · 19/10/2023 12:44

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does. He doesn’t have to contribute to childcare on your time.

But no, the police wouldn’t take this seriously.

@PenguinRainbows its only ‘on my time’ because he’s abandoned DD. It would be great if he had her half the time and then just paid his way for that half.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/10/2023 14:04

There is no crime in telling a truth.

You would not be committing harassment by telling this truth. You would not be slandering him by telling this truth.

You could pay for an ad in the local paper stating this truth and no crime would have been committed.

He's full of shit. FULL of it.

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:05

HunkyRory · 19/10/2023 13:17

He is trying to intimidate you, he has no legal grounds to do anything to you for asking a question or speaking to your own friends. Don’t post it on SM though as that would cause more issues and is OTT but he’s embarrassed by being a deadbeat dad just wants to keep it a secret…

@HunkyRory maybe but then if he’s embarrassed why not just see her? He knows he’s welcome to

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 19/10/2023 14:12

Hahaha. Do let him go to the police. It would be amusing.
This a) isn't harassment b) isn't defamation if what you are saying is the factual truth. You can tell who you want. If he doesn't like it and feels it makes him look bad then he needs to address why that might be himself!

FWIW, Dh's ex wife tells everyone and anyone that he was a domestic abuser and a drug addict. He was neither of these things and her allegations were proven to be false in court, resulting in her losing a major amount of custody of their children. She has continued to repeat these claims to anyone who will listen, including on social media-and the solicitor advised us that this was possible harassment, definitely defamation, and could be seen as a reportable offence (and he could take her to court for reputational damage as it might affect his business) but that it would be expensive, lengthy and no guarantee of winning. Just to give you an example of what actually IS considered harassment and defamation. Talking to your pals about the fact that you can't afford your child's nursery fees ain't it!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2023 14:17

He's told everyone you're squeezing him and he's overpaying. And probably that you're preventing him seeing DD.

I'd happily tell everyone the truth.

GingerIsBest · 19/10/2023 14:18

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:05

@HunkyRory maybe but then if he’s embarrassed why not just see her? He knows he’s welcome to

Show quote history

He's embarrassed that people will know the truth. But he doesn't actually want to do what's necessary to NOT be a deadbeat dad. So most likely he's lying to people.

And yes, he doesn't have any time with her because he chooses not to. That makes him a wanker. Doubly so because he pays the bare mimimum. But you still can't force him (unfortunately) to pay towards the childcare costs on your time. [shrug]

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:18

I’m so sad that he is like this. No idea why he can’t be fair about things, he earns 65k so he can afford a bit extra

OP posts:
MsMarch · 19/10/2023 14:20

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:18

I’m so sad that he is like this. No idea why he can’t be fair about things, he earns 65k so he can afford a bit extra

Tough talk time: OP, yes, he is behaving appallingly. And yes, you, and most importantly, your DD, deserve better.

But the sooner you accept that NOTHING you say or do will change how this man behaves or thinks, the happier you will be and the easier it will be to move on with your life.

OhComeOnFFS · 19/10/2023 14:20

I have never been able to understand why childcare costs are not considered when working out CM.

vix3rd · 19/10/2023 14:21

Not gonna lie my reply to that would have been:

😂OK

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:24

I just can’t believe I’m faced with a 1300 bill a month, as well as all the daily costs and all the day to day care… and he pays 430? Really? I didn’t choose this. He abandoned DD and I have been left to cope alone and nowhere is he forced to pay half her costs.

OP posts:
Noorandapples · 19/10/2023 14:27

If he is embarrassed for his friends to find out then he would be too embarrassed to tell police. Even if he did, they would tell him there's no crime, it isn't harassment to talk about how much your child gets from their absent parent.

Honestly this threat would make me very petty and I would start posting publicly on social media about it.

TenderDandelions · 19/10/2023 14:29

Telling the truth is harassment?! Bollocks to that!

He's just a controlling prick who doesn't want anyone to think ill of him, so instead of being a better man he's just trying to get you to stop telling people how shit he is.

Ignore him and crack on OP!

Gymmum82 · 19/10/2023 14:33

He doesn’t even see his kid so obviously he was never going to pay more than the bare minimum.
Id tell anyone who would listen what a shit father he is. Police won’t do anything

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 14:33

So he’s abandoned his daughter, never sees her, pays the bare minimum… and now he’s trying to intimidate you into not telling everyone what a cunt he is.

Because he knows he’s a cunt.

Tell the absolute world what he’s done, literally everyone, because it is not harassment. He’s a complete joke. The police would laugh him out and likely advise him that the solution is to not be such a shit father.

towriteyoumustlive · 19/10/2023 14:34

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:24

I just can’t believe I’m faced with a 1300 bill a month, as well as all the daily costs and all the day to day care… and he pays 430? Really? I didn’t choose this. He abandoned DD and I have been left to cope alone and nowhere is he forced to pay half her costs.

Have you used the government website to check if you're entitled to claim any benefits to help you out?

A friend of mine recently had a look as they're thinking of leaving their partner and they were really surprised by how much they could claim!

If he doesn't have any custody of her, then I'm afraid it's up to you to foot the childcare bill.

RenegadeMrs · 19/10/2023 14:37

He knows he is doing the bare minimum and knows that any decent parent would be aware that CMS is far too little and that he isn't contributing properly to his childs upbringing. Basically he would be embarressed if people knew the truth so is threatening you, so you keep quite.

What a knob. Well done for getting rid of him.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 19/10/2023 14:38

Kerrylass · 19/10/2023 12:41

His trying to control the narrative. His embarrassed at some level that he contributes so little and doesn't want anyone knowing it.
He hasnt got anything on you

This.

ToniTTtopaz · 19/10/2023 14:38

This isn't harassment or anything else and the police would laugh at him.

This is him not wanting you to tell anyone he pays the bare minimum to save his own face.

cadburyegg · 19/10/2023 14:39

Make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to OP. People are surprised that I am in a professional job and still get help from UC for childcare costs (probably because I don't fit the single mum stereotype they have in their head 🙄)

monicagellerbing · 19/10/2023 14:40

How are you this naive

Strugglingtodomybest · 19/10/2023 14:41

monicagellerbing · 19/10/2023 14:40

How are you this naive

Unnecessary.

TheBabylonian · 19/10/2023 14:48

To be honest, you should tell these friends BECAUSE he said this bull to you.

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