He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

[ThanksDep]

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

Presumably he thinks he is doing nothing wrong, or would at least claim that he is doing nothing wrong. So you should ask him, if he is so totally in the right, why is he so worried about people that he knows getting the facts about him? After all, he can totally justify everything, surely?

Get a diary that is only goign to be used for recording shit encountered with him

record all interactions in the diary
print screen snaps of his messages and stick in diary

rhen you have evidence of all communications

so today, you would write that at 11am or whatever, you phoned to ask about a contribution to nursery fees and he threatened police for harassment.

if he does accuse you, you have all the records

Ha ha! What a blithering eejit.

He’s just threatening you in same way as powerful men shut their victims up with non disclosure orders for compensation.
don’t dance to his tune
he is , by this statement, admitting he’s not doing anything other than basic necessities towards his own children and he’s not entirely guilt free in that, . He is afraid he’ll be judged by someone, who is still important to him (eg these friends, his parents, others?) so wants you to keep it secret. Not your circus….

the bottom line is this is your/your children’s money (once paid), therefore your finances. You can tell who you want about your financial situation and where your/ your kids money comes from. As long as you keep to facts, don’t slander and don’t indulge in emails ,social media, calls with him, threaten or abuse.

so only communicate through letter and solicitors /mediators, keep everything in writing. Keep a diary of when you see him and what was said.

And give yourself confidence that he’s bluffing by reading law on harassment
“Protection from harassment 1997” . here’s a good link to what would pass the bar of an actual charge for harassment . https://www.carruthers-law.co.uk/articles/the-protection-from-harassment-act-1997/
but simply put needs a series of incidents in which “Harassment is a persistent and deliberate course of unacceptable and oppressive conduct, targeted at another person, which is calculated to and does cause that person alarm, fear or distress.”

maybe if he tries threatening agin, have a card (ready prepared) with reference to this definition and the act written out and ask him sweetly for help in understanding what you’re doing that breaks this law?

Read up on grey rock method.
you can listen to all threats and not respond, it’s so liberating.

Thing is, as your child grows up, she will know you are her and acted in her best interests. Him, not so much.

I wouldn’t be hiding the lack of financial support from anyone. Sunlight is the best disinfectant

Does he have her overnight? Any way you could split the time so he has to cover nursery fees on his time?

Legally he doesn’t have to pay any more child support than the minimum. But if he can afford to he absolutely should, I think any decent person would agree…

I assume from his fucking ridiculous threat that he is a control freak and a bully. Don’t let him to scare you with a visit from the police. I highly doubt they will entertain his ridiculous behaviour and if anything, it would make him look worse. You haven’t harassed him at all by the sound of it.

You can talk to whoever you like about this but in my experience choose your audience wisely.

Does he take advantage of any day when they are in childcare? I would confirm what hecssid back in writing and tell him you will no longer be paying for childcare on his days

I don't find it sad at all, it gives me the absolute rage. Women make up 90% of single parents, get paid less, on average, than men, have their careers impacted by having children, and have to fight tooth and nail to get a fair contribution from the fathers.

My DSS is in a well-paid trade, is undoubtedly earning good money (someone else I know in the same line of work is on over £40k), rents out his house while living rent-free with his mother and a few months ago cut the money he pays to his ex from £200 a month to £100 a month. Apparently, he thinks that's more than enough because young kids don't eat much!

Quite apart from the fact that DGD needs clothes and loads of other stuff, not just food, he's completely overlooked the fact that her mother is having to pay £1,300 a month rent for a 2-bed flat and if she was child-free she could rent a room in a house share for £100 pw.

If his father was still alive, he would have gone bloody ballistic. He was angry enough when they split up and DSS stayed in the nice 3-bed house in a good area while the mother of his grandchild could only afford the rent on a flat above a shop on a busy main road.

Men get away with it time and time again and the CMS are useless. And even if they weren't, the amount absent fathers have to pay is absurdly low.

"How is asking other couples what they do re child payments harassment? Also if you are happy with what you are doing and think you're right why do you care what others do or their opinion?"

I'd send this.

We'll probably actually best not to respond but it would be interesting to hear how he thinks it's harassment!

I maybe petty but I would tell EVERYONE who would have reason to have it pop up in conversation (like the couple you mention where you talk about a similar life scenario).

His embarrassment at being a shit dad is entirely his own problem... as long as you are only telling the truth then theres nothing anyone can do to silence you.

Maybe he will actually pay for his child after he sees the backlash from others thinking less of him.

I'd call his bluff and take out a full page ad in the paper and drop it into every conversation on social media oh and probably hire one of those planes that can write it in the sky 😂

But on a serious note there is literally nothing you can do. My ex pays £300 a month for our 3 children. Two of whom are twins - the childcare bill for them alone is £2k 😳

Have you gone through CM? £430 when he is on a £65K seems on the low side.

Is the calculation correct OP? It seems quite low compared to his income, does he have other children?

Not harassment and not slander (as totally true).

Think about it - what could the police charge you with? Telling the truth?

i had a break in by a drug addict and the police didn’t do anything about him so I highly doubt they’d do something about this in fact they’d have a dim view of him paying so little towards his own child they’ll probably tell him to get lost

I doubt you’re the type but perhaps you should just tell him to go ahead if that’s what he thinks is necessary. They wouldn’t care - they barely care about actual real crimes!

It's actually his attempt to control you by threatening police involvement that is harassment.

Go ahead and talk to anyone you want to about this turd's approach to being a parent.

The only person you can't mention any of this to is your child.

If you want a revised financial arrangement, you could take him to family court.

It's not harrassment, and in your shoes I'd be tempted to tell everybody he doesn't bother paying for his daughter above what he is legally obliged to pay. What a twat.

Was it you who posted wanting more money recently than the 2k a month you get and were going to go to the papers about it and earn a really good wage too?

He's a thug. If you're not lying you can tell whoever you like what he pays,its your finances. If I had proof of his threats ( were they texts) I'd be inclined to report him to the police.

He sounds very similar to my ex. My ex’s friends were willingly talking to me of their own volition because they thought he was being a shit. He sent me a cease and desist letter via his solicitor. My solicitor fired a response back explaining that his friends were willingly contacting me and if they asked me to stop contacting them, of course I would but he couldn’t control who spoke to me. He shut up after that. The whole thing made me feel like a criminal though so I totally get how you feel. My ex is a scumbag, sounds like yours is too. Sadly, while he pays the minimum, there’s nothing you can do but I’m sending a big hug. You are wonderful and doing everything for your daughter. Try to take solace in that. He doesn’t want people to know he’s a shit. Tough luck. Maybe he should just try not being a shit if that’s the case. The nursery years are tough but I just survived them financially, although I did have to take on a second job.

If you follow the OP's posts you would see she gets far less than that.

@ThanksDep you can ask CS to review how much he is paying.

Don't take legal advice from him and don't hide what a garbage person he is.

He is choosing to ignore DD and not pay a fair sum to support her. He's paying the bare minimum and nothing else. He knows that and doesn't care because he is a shit person and he enjoys watching you squirm.

Remember, it's only slander or defamation if what you say is untrue or cannot be proven. Telling everyone that he doesn't see her and pays minimum amount is the truth and he doesn't have a leg to stand on.