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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 19/10/2023 16:09

I expect he’s told people he’s paying loads. He doesn’t want you telling them he pays the basic amount.

Peanuts2000 · 19/10/2023 16:10

LakieLady · 19/10/2023 15:43

I don't find it sad at all, it gives me the absolute rage. Women make up 90% of single parents, get paid less, on average, than men, have their careers impacted by having children, and have to fight tooth and nail to get a fair contribution from the fathers.

My DSS is in a well-paid trade, is undoubtedly earning good money (someone else I know in the same line of work is on over £40k), rents out his house while living rent-free with his mother and a few months ago cut the money he pays to his ex from £200 a month to £100 a month. Apparently, he thinks that's more than enough because young kids don't eat much!

Quite apart from the fact that DGD needs clothes and loads of other stuff, not just food, he's completely overlooked the fact that her mother is having to pay £1,300 a month rent for a 2-bed flat and if she was child-free she could rent a room in a house share for £100 pw.

If his father was still alive, he would have gone bloody ballistic. He was angry enough when they split up and DSS stayed in the nice 3-bed house in a good area while the mother of his grandchild could only afford the rent on a flat above a shop on a busy main road.

Men get away with it time and time again and the CMS are useless. And even if they weren't, the amount absent fathers have to pay is absurdly low.

Show quote history

You are absolutely right, it's an absolute disgrace so many women are put in this position. Thankfully I wasn't but it's usually the mother and children who will suffer.
I'm sorry this is happening in your family, £100/month is nothing. How your DSS and his mother can sleep at night I don't know but money can have that effect on people. Unfortunately many (usually) men use money to control the women, they see that as "getting back at them'.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/10/2023 16:10

Haha what a jerk. He doesn't want anyone to know what a piece of shit he is.
He knows full well the police can't arrest you for this.
Maybe a full page ad in the papers might be harrassment or going about town with a banner.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/10/2023 16:14

What a twat! He's probably lied to everybody about how much he supports you and your child and doesn't want anybody to find out the truth. On that basis, I'd tell absolutely everybody and let the police laugh at him. Some men are such cunts.

Reugny · 19/10/2023 16:15

Tlolljs · 19/10/2023 16:09

I expect he’s told people he’s paying loads. He doesn’t want you telling them he pays the basic amount.

The OP doesn't even have to say how much he does pay or when he see their DD.

She just needs to say what she exactly pays for in regards to her financial contribution to their DD. She can also say how often she has her daughter e.g. 24/7 outside nursery.

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:19

ThanksDep · Today 12:36
“I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.”

Is he self employed or a Ltd Company Director? It might be that he’s worried that you might actually get the child maintenance that your child is entitled to? If you know how to navigate the system. This is standard abuse. Very difficult when you are in the middle of it. He is an abuser. Contact Women’s Aid for counselling.

LeefsPrings · 19/10/2023 16:21

Things you say about someone are not slander or libel if they are the truth.

In any case, how would you be harassing him by talking to other people? Seems to me that he is trying to prevent you from letting other people know what a bastard he is. Which proves that he knows that he is one.

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 16:25

I’m not sure why it’s 430 as he only has DD (that I know of anyway!!). I don’t think I’m entitled to anything by way of support, I earn 38k but the nursery fees are a massive struggle.

OP posts:
Angelsrose · 19/10/2023 16:28

I'm sorry op, this is a very upsetting situation. Of course the police would have zero interest in what your ex has to say and you have committed no crime. Please do not worry. Abusive men do take advantage of many women's anxieties. I am sorry your ex has abandoned your dd but if that is the case there is probably no need to have any contact with him. Hopefully, the money you receive for your daughter will still arrive automatically without the need for further interaction with your ex. There is no point in trying to persuade selfish people to be reasonable, it will adversely affect your mental health trying to do so and you won't get any further.

Startyabastard · 19/10/2023 16:38

He's a twat, he just doesn't want people knowing he is one by not contributing.

dancingorange · 19/10/2023 16:39

No he can't. He's scaring you because he embarrassed that he's a deadbeat father

Cakeandcoffee93 · 19/10/2023 16:40

Why aren’t you claiming fees paid 85%

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 16:42

@Cakeandcoffee93 i didn’t think I was eligible?

OP posts:
Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:42

I’m not sure why it’s 430 as he only has DD (that I know of anyway!!). I don’t think I’m entitled to anything by way of support, I earn 38k but the nursery fees are a massive struggle.

It doesn’t matter what you earn. Is he PAYE or self employed?

Reugny · 19/10/2023 16:43

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 16:25

I’m not sure why it’s 430 as he only has DD (that I know of anyway!!). I don’t think I’m entitled to anything by way of support, I earn 38k but the nursery fees are a massive struggle.

Get CMS to reassess.

If it is still correct tell him in writing you would like your DD to know her half-sibling(s).

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/10/2023 16:44

ThanksDep · Today 16:25

“I’m not sure why it’s 430 as he only has DD (that I know of anyway!!). I don’t think I’m entitled to anything by way of support, I earn 38k but the nursery fees are a massive struggle.”

Also make a UC application now.

hwaclanhdead · 19/10/2023 16:50

Ignore the bullshit about the police. I'd like to bet he won't go. On the off chance he does they will ignore it - it's not harrassment, even if you were telling people.

Contact CMS and ask them to look into it again. 430 seems low.

Be very glad you are shot of this asshole.

whatausername · 19/10/2023 16:54

Repeat after me: that man is a twit.

ClawedButler · 19/10/2023 16:57

I imagine his thought processes run something like this:

  • I am marvellous. I mean, I can't get over how great I am
  • I am very clever, and have found a way to pay evil ThanksDep the absolute bare minimum I can get away with
  • I tell all my friends and family how marvellous I am, what a great dad I would like to be, but evil ThanksDep is completely insane and is stopping me seeing my child because she is vindictive and I am a victim
  • Oh heck, ThanksDep is talking to my friends as well. She may give the game away. I need to find a way to stop her talking and ruining my lovely narrative in which I am the hero and victim, and she is the villain
  • Oh, I know, she's really anxious so I'll cook up some vague threat - that should frighten her into silence
  • I only want my friends and family to HEAR, from ME, what a great dad I am. I don't want to actually be a parent, that's too much like work

Echoing what PPs have said, the sooner you let go of what should be, and accept what is, the sooner you and your DD can move on. I hope you manage to get some benefits or similar to help you with your costs, it's astronomical isn't it. On the plus side, those costs drop once L/O goes to school.

Your ex, however, will continue to be a poxed bellend till the day he dies. Oh well.

Powderherface · 19/10/2023 16:57

"He is basically saying I can’t say anything or give any impression of anything on social media etc to anyone he knows. I wouldn’t actually do this as I hate social media but it’s made me feel really uncomfortable"

He should not act in a way that he would be embarrassed for others to know about.
Or
He should only act in a way which is honorable and which he can feel comfortable with people knowing.

Can you go to the courts to get a little more from him to ensure you are not in debt

Lifeomars · 19/10/2023 16:59

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a mum and I am so sorry your ex is such a git. My ex paid nothing, not a penny and he was always vilely unpleasant to me as well, I put this down to his knowing deep down that he was an utter shit when it came to his responsibilities for our child. Sadly there seem to be quite a few men out there who will try any daft nonsense to evade their responsibilities and come out with nonsense to make themselves feel better

ClawedButler · 19/10/2023 16:59

@powderherface has nailed it.

His choices are:

  1. Don't be a ballbag or
  2. Accept that everyone will soon find out that you're a ballbag
overtaxedoverworked · 19/10/2023 17:07

@ThanksDep Harassment no, but be aware that many police 'services' are focusing all of their attention on hate crimes at present. If there is some aspect that could be used for a vexatious claim on that basis, be more careful about keeping copies of any communications.
For others who have been ill-treated by partners hiding assets or income, is it too mean to hand over a comprehensive list of the payments made by the other parent to a child when they reach 18?
I'm aware that many fathers become more interested when children are old enough to go to the pub, many then spinning yarns about being denied access and mums not passing on payments and gifts as they should.

Silvers11 · 19/10/2023 17:09

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 16:25

I’m not sure why it’s 430 as he only has DD (that I know of anyway!!). I don’t think I’m entitled to anything by way of support, I earn 38k but the nursery fees are a massive struggle.

@ThanksDep I'm not well up on benefits, but I think you might be able to get some Universal Credit. I think you need to speak to someone ( maybe Citizen's Advice or a similar organisation and make sure that you are claiming any benefits you might qualify for. You have nothing to lose by trying?

itsgettingweird · 19/10/2023 17:09

Ejismyf · 19/10/2023 16:06

Was it you who posted wanting more money recently than the 2k a month you get and were going to go to the papers about it and earn a really good wage too?

If you read the posts you'd know it isnt 🙄

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