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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/10/2023 02:24

You can tell whoever you like what your income is. He’s a twat.

Bignanny30 · 21/10/2023 08:32

If he’s not actually seeing your DD then I’d not even have any contact with him, I wouldn’t want him to know my financial situation and as I said if he’s not seeing DD then get him out of your life completely. I would try to struggle by (maybe see if there’s anything else that you can claim).

Exdonkeylover · 21/10/2023 09:46

Harassment has to against the individual. So, if you were messaging constantly asking for more money when he was paying what the CMS say he should pay, then he asked you to stop messing in relation to child support and you didn't, then that could be considered Harassment.
Telling other people you think he's a dick and doesn't give a damn about his child is slander. Which is a civil offence and also very hard to prove.

Mrsgreen100 · 21/10/2023 10:24

You can tell who you like, what a controlling knob, he’s obviously scared to be outed as the complete arse he is
police nope not a thing , he’s playing with your mind

coolkatt · 21/10/2023 12:06

he's a deadbeat dad and i would go on social media and tell the world about his deadbeat actions. last i looked we still had freedom of speech, use it if u like. him and the police can do nothing.

Frasers · 21/10/2023 12:12

He’s ashamed so is threatening you so you don’t tell anyone. Text back and say good luck with that, I will tell who I please. Don’t be bullied by this piece of shit.

Frasers · 21/10/2023 12:13

Oh and the police would laugh in his face

Cactusmad · 21/10/2023 16:13

You have touched a nerve. Man child telling you he will report you to police. Sorry you are dealing with this. Wonder what else he’s hiding?

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 01:27

The police would tell him to grow a pair and support his child!!

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 09:36

Wow was he always a controlling arse hole? Telling you what you can and can’t say to people?!…. You can tell people whatever you choose to…. I’d drop into conversation that he only pays the bare minimum and not a penny more… doesn’t even bother to have contact….
tell him to go to police so they can see what an arse hole he is too!

Tell him you have freedom of speech and its only slander if it lies.

T1Dmama · 22/10/2023 09:44

Do they take the child maintenance straight from his wage?
my friend has an ex like yours, never paid her the full payment, sometimes she got nothing at all…. Always an excuse, in reality he’d likely just bought himself a new Apple Watch with the money…… she had to call the CSA (or whatever they’re called these days) every week and email proof he’d failed to make payments but eventually they agreed and now it gets taken straight out of his wages before he gets paid…. Hilarious because he also has to pay extra for that privilege !!

ToffeeMamma · 22/10/2023 19:28

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Firstly it wouldn't be considered harassment at all. Police would only advise it's a civil matter. Any civil court would then treat the data "i.e. what you received for child" as part of your data as well as his and you have every legal right to divulge your own data freely. I'd post it on Facebook and tell him where to stick it. He clealry doesn't want his friends to know he does the bare legal requirement for his child.

Worriedmum159 · 22/10/2023 20:16

ToffeeMamma · 22/10/2023 19:28

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. Firstly it wouldn't be considered harassment at all. Police would only advise it's a civil matter. Any civil court would then treat the data "i.e. what you received for child" as part of your data as well as his and you have every legal right to divulge your own data freely. I'd post it on Facebook and tell him where to stick it. He clealry doesn't want his friends to know he does the bare legal requirement for his child.

I’ll say it again… there is a lot of confidence that this man won’t lie to the police. It would be exceptionally easy to spin this into an harassment case that would leave OP on bail for months and months before it’s dropped. You absolutely cannot treat this sort of calculated victimhood with contempt. It could be extremely serious and the police are not renowned for their critical thinking in this sort of case.

I really hope OP hasn’t sailed off on any fairly tales which have been told on this thread and has taken genuine legal advice.

FlipFlop1987 · 23/10/2023 09:29

I’ve worked in crime recording in the police for over 10 years, the shift to victim led crime recording is massive. So unfortunately if he rings and says “‘X’ has contacted me on more than one occasion, I’ve told her to stop and go through the appropriate channels but she continues with the unwanted contact”, that will be recorded as a crime of harassment as the victim has met the criteria for the offence to be made out and the police have no credible evidence to the contrary to say it didn’t happen at the time of the report.
HOWEVER and it is a big however, being able to take action against you is completely different and he would have to provide significant evidence to show that the harassment is causing him alarm and distress before the police could pursue a prosecution of any sort. The most would be words of advice that you should have all contact through professional third parties until the issues are resolved.

Fairtobefairohhhhhc · 23/10/2023 09:32

I'm embarrassed for him.. what a plonker

Densol57 · 23/10/2023 09:41

Almost everyone here is telling you incorrect advice.

Your messages to him, plus you telling friends of his, if there is any intention by you, that they will get on his case or upset him “ taken together “ can actually form a course of conduct of harassment. Its called direct ( you ) and indirect ( friends ) harassment.

He has no contact with your DC. He wont pay more than CMS rates, as per current law. You need to cut all contact now. What is the purpose of more contact ? He will argue its to harass or pester him for more money or shame him indirectly to pay more. Whether the Police would “actually” take action is a different thing, but if you carry on, you may get words of advice to desist. Often called an Harassment warning before action is taken if you carry on.

ToadOnTheHill · 23/10/2023 09:48

I'd antagonize the little shit by putting up a vague post about struggling with the cost of living and can anyone help?

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