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AIBU?

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Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
jannier · 19/10/2023 17:11

My answer would be...so you know you're not doing right by your child and don't want to admit it to your friends well that's on your conscience and one day your kids will realise how you chose to let them go without if I see X and the conversation turns to finances that's my choice to discuss my budget.

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 17:24

@Ejismyf who is getting 2k a month?!?

OP posts:
Pallisers · 19/10/2023 17:33

Did he send that threat by text? What a fool he is. Basically if he doesn't want people to know about it, he knows damn well that he shouldn't be doing it. He pays the bare minimum and doesn't see his child. He knows deep down what his friends would think if they knew this. So as well as acting like a fucker he doesn't want anyone to know.

Ignore the threat OP (although I'd be tempted to text back "gosh I can't believe you actually put that in writing to me!"). Also you can't get blood from a turnip - he will not pay more no matter how unfair it is. But I would certainly tell people my situation if it comes up "no her dad won't see her although I'd love him to. And he pays the bare minimum of CMS. It's tough and I am barely getting by but it is worth it for my daughter"

you are a very good mother OP.

DriftingDora · 19/10/2023 17:34

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 19/10/2023 12:41

Nah! I’d tell everyone. Btw, I think CMS is the absolute bare minimum and it’s lousy and doesn’t really take in the actual costs of everything. The police will be wetting themselves laughing at this knob.

He really is clutching at straws, isn't he? The police will surely tell him to go and look for one. I'd love to see him try - he'll make a complete p%&t of himself!

MyMiniMetro · 19/10/2023 17:35

Keep telling ALL his friends about what he is or isn't paying and is or isn't doing. Obviously, only in a way that doesn't make you a bore.

He's literally flagged up the best way for you to keep him in check. He is most worried about what his friends think about him, so use that to your advantage make sure they're kept fully informed.

Talking about factual elements of your life is not harassment and the police won't give a sh*t. Look at it this way, there are women who are clearly, obviously and dangerously stalked and the police don't want to know. They are not going to give two-hoots about a man whose pride has been a bit hurt 😆 Tell him that too.

Cashew22 · 19/10/2023 17:40

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

Haven't read all the posts OP but, as others have said, this is not harassment. Harassment would be if you were phoning his work to tell them what a loser he is, waiting for him outside his house to demand money, leaving notes on his car, etc. Telling an acquaintance that their friend (your ex) isn't helping with nursery fees is just having a chat about money. It makes him look bad, but you're entitled to discuss your finances with others, including friends of your ex.

The police would tell him to get lost. But all of this is moot, because he won't go to the police. He's just using your anxiety against you to try and get you to shut up. There's no way he's going to go and humiliate himself at the police station - he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want others to know about his own lousiness.

GabriellaMontez · 19/10/2023 17:47

He won't go to the police you know? He'd be just as embarrassed to go to them as he is of his friends finding out.

If he did, they wouldn't care.

He's just trying to frighten you. He sounds awful.

I'd tell his friends about his threat too.

SomethingWycked · 19/10/2023 17:49

Have you got a Tax Free Childcare account? This is a government scheme where for every £8 you put in, they put £2 in.
You can get up to £500 every 3 months (up to £2,000 a year) to help with the costs of childcare.

https://www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Tax-Free Childcare

What Tax-Free Childcare is, eligibility and how to apply

https://www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Hayliebells · 19/10/2023 17:49

No the police would not do anything, this isn't harrassment. But he very obviously doesn't want people to know that he only pays CMS. That gives you some leverage, you're within your right to tell whoever you like this information, so I'd be telling him that if he wants people to think he contributes more than just CMS, he needs to actually contribute more than just CMS....

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 17:54

He's embarrassed because he knows he's a bastard for refusing to contribute to his DC childcare so you can work. He doesn't want his friends to know. You however can tell whoever you want the truth. If you want to tell his friends or even any of his colleagues you know you are finding it hard to afford childcare on the basic CMS calculation, what with your ex refusing to contribute towards childcare and refusing to visit your DC.

Tryingmybestadhd · 19/10/2023 17:58

Go to the police to say what ? I’m a test and I can’t admit it or want others to know how crappy if a dad I am ? Ignore it and if I were you I would make sure to tell anyone you mutually know .

caringcarer · 19/10/2023 17:58

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:24

I just can’t believe I’m faced with a 1300 bill a month, as well as all the daily costs and all the day to day care… and he pays 430? Really? I didn’t choose this. He abandoned DD and I have been left to cope alone and nowhere is he forced to pay half her costs.

I feel for you and your DD. The law should change to make people like your ex pay half for childcare until your DC reaches school age.

Imagwine · 19/10/2023 18:02

I’d be shouting it from the rooftops.

oksothisisusnow · 19/10/2023 18:02

Using cms calculator
If he has a 65k wage before tax and nics he should be paying you £579 a month. A bit more than the 430 he pays

notapizzaeater · 19/10/2023 18:09

I'd def check if you can claim UC - with childcare costs losts of people who don't think they'd qualify actually do.

DeeKitch · 19/10/2023 18:12

If he finds out you've told people what a tight git he is more like.

Bivarb · 19/10/2023 18:14

I would post something like this on Facebook.
"Good thing I'm not easily intimidated eh? 😂
Oh and he refuses to see her at all" then the screenshot text attached.

TheRealLilyMunster · 19/10/2023 18:14

He pays you the bare minimum that the law says he needs to for his child, but of course doesn't want you to tell anyone that, as he wants to pretend he's the best dad in the world.

Pretty standard stuff, don't let it bother you. You can tell whoever you like how much he pays/doesn't pay - that's not harassment.

Yalta · 19/10/2023 18:17

I would say what he is doing could be classified as Coercive Control and that is illegal

He is trying to restrict your freedom of speech

You can use EntitledTo website to see what benefits you might be eligible for.

FeelSoDown · 19/10/2023 18:17

Ejismyf · 19/10/2023 16:06

Was it you who posted wanting more money recently than the 2k a month you get and were going to go to the papers about it and earn a really good wage too?

Yes I’m surprised more people haven’t recognised that the op regularly posts about this. That her ex who doesn’t see the child won’t pay half the nursery fees.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2023 18:21

He's a shit, he knows he's a shit and he doesnt want anyone finding out that he's a shit.

I daresay his narrative is that you are rinsing him for CM and that you are stopping him from seeing DD....that's usually what they come out with, but if you actually tell people that he pays the absolute bare minimum, refuses to contribute to others costs and hasnt seen her by his own choice, he has nowhere to hide.

Telling the truth to a friend is not harrassment, as much as he would like you to think that it is.

Personally I would be having a chat with the least discreet person you know! All you did was have a chat about your personal finances and situation with a person you trust, what they then did with that information is nothing to do with you after all!

HamBone · 19/10/2023 18:26

Something similar happened to one of my friends…he was so embarrassed when people found out how little he was paying, he actually increased it. He didn’t really care about his children, but was mortified when other people heard how mean he was, while living the high life himself. (expensive lifestyle, holidays, etc.) Everyone had assumed that he must be a generous Dad.

Dagnabit · 19/10/2023 18:26

He sounds like a right tit. The Police won’t be interested in the slightest. Someone may have mentioned it already or you may have checked but have you looked to see if you’d be eligible for UC once you add in your childcare costs? Also use tax free childcare if you don’t already.

TinChristmas · 19/10/2023 18:27

So he’s telling you he knows he should be paying more and that he’s a shot who doesn’t want his friends to know he’s not paying?

HamBone · 19/10/2023 18:27

Personally I would be having a chat with the least discreet person you know!

Excellent advice, @PyongyangKipperbang