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Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
Turfwars · 19/10/2023 13:10

If he felt that he was genuinely paying his way as a parent he would have no issue standing over the amount he gives you. He's only threatening you because he knows it will make him look like an ultimate shithead to his mates.

So on that basis, I'd announce it from the rooftops.

Zimunya · 19/10/2023 13:13

I'm with @Turfwars on this one. He knows he is in teh wrong which is why he wants it kept quiet. From yours side, all you need to say is, "Telling teh truth is not harrassment" Sorry you ar ein this situtaion, OP. I hope he comes to his senses soon.

RubyGemStone · 19/10/2023 13:13

I'd be so tempted to have one of those banners made you see hanging from flyovers, ideally on his route to work or near his house.

ButterflyOil · 19/10/2023 13:16

I’d ask him why exactly he’d have a problem with people he knows knowing that he pays the 12% mandated by CMS? I mean if he thinks it’s fair and all?

HunkyRory · 19/10/2023 13:17

He is trying to intimidate you, he has no legal grounds to do anything to you for asking a question or speaking to your own friends. Don’t post it on SM though as that would cause more issues and is OTT but he’s embarrassed by being a deadbeat dad just wants to keep it a secret…

CleoCha0man · 19/10/2023 13:18

My DH is an ex police officer. I just asked him and he said they would just laugh at him.

newnamethanks · 19/10/2023 13:18

Oh dear he doesn't want to be publicly shamed poor dear, how could you be so cruel to tell everyone you know that he doesn't pay anywhere near what he should when he's already told them how he works night and day to pay for his kids. Shout it from the rooftops.

Worriedmum159 · 19/10/2023 13:20

MamaBear2210T · 19/10/2023 12:37

The police would just laugh at this. It's not harassment.

It wouldn’t be harassment if he tells the truth. He may not and the police would view this as a domestic related incident. You wouldn’t be the first person to be stung by false allegations OP. It’s not harassment but I would be very conscious of only communicating in writing and copying in someone neutral so he can’t fabricate screenshots.

verdantverdure · 19/10/2023 13:21

Shit fathers never want people to know they are shit fathers.

cadburyegg · 19/10/2023 13:21

He has no legal grounds and threats won't get him anywhere.

I feel you, my ex pays the bare minimum too and seems to think that it's more than adequate. Every time I suggest he sees the kids more he says he's working to pay the maintenance 🙄

OhNoForever · 19/10/2023 13:25

Tell his friends what a twat he is. This is not harassment.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 19/10/2023 13:25

They'll laugh at him. It's the truth, if he doesn't want people to know about it he should change what the truth is by giving you more. You're not harassing him. You're not sending lots of messages and calling him constantly.

I also think he's going around telling everyone how he gives you so much and doesn't want the lie exposed.

GingerIsBest · 19/10/2023 13:26

Yup, total bollocks that the police would even vaguely entertain this. If you were telling huge lies, and doing so repeatedly, and publicly, they might take notice but you telling a few friends the truth about what he pays? hahahahaha, no, not at all.

As for the nursery fees, unfortunately, no, he does not have to contribute. He should. And he's a dick for only paying the bare minimum but there you go.

Personally, I WOULD be dropping it into casual conversation with friends because I bet you he's spun them a whole story about what a bitch you are, taking him to the cleaners, keeping him away from your DD etc. Does he have a new GF? I guarantee you are "a psycho ex" according to him.

MikeRafone · 19/10/2023 13:28

he is intimidating you, just ignore him for now

Nothing you can do if he goes to police with any false allegations, as someone pp posted.

thank goodness you're no longer with him - what an arse

icantchangetime · 19/10/2023 13:29

Are you scared of him?

I'd tell anyone who said that to me to feck off but them I'm not apprehensive of the consequences.

He seems to have you rattled. Not good.

HappyPurrrsday · 19/10/2023 13:34

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:39

@MamaBear2210T he is saying that this couple are his friends not mine, which is true, I met them through him.

He is basically saying I can’t say anything or give any impression of anything on social media etc to anyone he knows. I wouldn’t actually do this as I hate social media but it’s made me feel really uncomfortable

"He is basically saying I can’t say anything or give any impression of anything on social media etc to anyone he knows."

I wonder why....

WowOK · 19/10/2023 13:34

Tell him you'll say what you want to whoever you want. It's not a lie. If he's embarrassed by his contribution then that is his problem. I would absolutely drop it into conversation with his friends as well.

HappyPurrrsday · 19/10/2023 13:35

Police don't even have time to investigate burglaries, etc. They will not care about somebody potentially badmouthing their ex to a friend...

MsRosley · 19/10/2023 13:36

Assuming it came up, I'd not only tell these friends about his tightfistedness re. his kids, but would also tell him how he's threatened you over it.

IdealisticCynic · 19/10/2023 13:38

First - what you have outlined that you said/did does not constitute harassment. So even if he spoke to the police, they would laugh him out of the station. Please don’t feel stressed.

Second - he is saying that because he wants to scare you into not telling people that he pays the bare minimum towards his child. Everyone knows CMS doesn’t genuinely cover the costs of raising a child and he is probably pretending to friends and family that he is paying more than he legally owes. It’s a shit move by a shitty man.

Don’t get into a row about it. At most tell him that it isn’t harassment to discuss the cost of childcare, and leave it at that.

Finally - I’m so sorry you are going through this. Best of luck, OP.

Dweetfidilove · 19/10/2023 13:40

Aaahhhhh, weee twerp is embarrassed he only pays a pittance, so wants it kept under wraps 😊.

The police can barely manage real crime, let alone his petty grievance.

freetheunicorn1 · 19/10/2023 13:42

No he can't go to the police, they would laugh at him!

Regarding nursery fees, do you have shared access? Where I live each parent is liable for the nursery fees on the days they have the child.

Superscientist · 19/10/2023 13:43

If you took out a full page ad in the local paper saying hey everyone this guy is a tool and only contributes this amount everyone hunting him down and let him know how little you think about him. That might be harassment but he cannot sensor what conversations you have whether they were his friends first or not

Conkersinautumn · 19/10/2023 13:47

The thing with these exes that try to intimidate is to leave them to their batshittery. You made a (not unreasonable) request. He showed his ridiculous logic off. Ask questions that you need to about dc and let him do what he must. Chances are he knows its batshit

Screwballs · 19/10/2023 13:49

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:39

@MamaBear2210T he is saying that this couple are his friends not mine, which is true, I met them through him.

He is basically saying I can’t say anything or give any impression of anything on social media etc to anyone he knows. I wouldn’t actually do this as I hate social media but it’s made me feel really uncomfortable

Jesus christ, I'd screenshot his messages and put them on Facebook.

Its not libel if its true ExTwat.

Unfortunately, bare minimum or not, he isnt obligated to pay a penny more, so nothing will change. But I'd take some comfort in showing the world how little he thinks of the child he created.

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