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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He will go to the police? Would they take this seriously?

217 replies

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 12:36

I recently asked ex to contribute to our daughter’s nursery fees. He pays maintenance through cms but it covers a fraction of it and obviously there are everyday costs too for her that I shoulder.

I asked him politely and referenced another couple that we both know are separated and they divide all cost fairly and not just 12 % cms which is a minimum. He has responded to say he won’t be paying more and if he finds out I have told people what he is and isn’t paying that he will go to the police and log it as harassment. I haven’t actually said I would do that but I suppose I have implied it by referring to another couple we both know and to be honest I think I would be transparent about it as it’s having a hugely detrimental impact on my life. I have a decent job but I am in debt each month by a small amount because the nursery is so expensive. There is nowhere cheaper in the area either. It’s average UK price for nursery.

I feel weird that he has suddenly said this? Would the police take this seriously? My post probably sounds like I am guilty of something but I am just very anxious (as he knows) and what he has said has upset me on top of all the struggles he has caused. He refuses to see Dd so I don’t get any input from him with anything practically either.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/10/2023 14:49

just to be clear, I think you should be able to put up ads anywhere you want declaring the fact that he is a deadbeat for not paying child care costs. Even if not legally required, parents who don’t contribute to child care costs should feel ashamed.

i wouldn’t advise handing out flyers though, even if he does deserve it. Totally fine to talk about your life to friends and family in person or on social media.

Original poster
ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:49

Thanks, I’m too weary of him to cause any further issue to be honest. Just wish he was a better man. My own fault, I chose a bad’un!

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 19/10/2023 14:51

You can tell anyone you want how much maintenance you get, you can say what you want as long as its true. Its not harassment and police would have not interest whatsoever.

Wheresthebeach · 19/10/2023 14:51

Tell the truth. He can't report you to anyone, he's just trying to bully you.

I'd be heading back to court to get more, but I get that its exhausting. His contribution should help cover child care so you can work.

nibblessquibbles · 19/10/2023 14:51

Tell him anyone can work out what CMS is via a calculator so it's not actually a secret.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 19/10/2023 14:53

Me being me, I'd tell one person who likes to gossip how little he pays. And then I'd laugh when he runs to the police. Fucking idiot. What a waste of space.

EvilElsa · 19/10/2023 14:56

I'd tell whomever I wanted to tell. I'd also add in that he threatened you with the police. If he is bothered by the factual information regarding his shit contribution to his child's upbringing that's his problem not yours. Just shows how aware he is that it's not enough and that he is embarrassed that other people might be aware. He's clearly telling everyone that he pays you a small fortune and what a mean, spiteful ex you are. Let him get on with it. Dickhead.

Bloomingmagnolia · 19/10/2023 14:56

This is a normal tactic of abusive and bullying men. The police will see through it.

DiddlySquatted · 19/10/2023 14:58

No, the Police wouldn't laugh at him. They will advise him to see a solicitor on civil matters.

Blogswife · 19/10/2023 14:59

No they won’t take this seriously - you haven’t committed a crime ! They’re more likely to tell him to go home and provide for his DC. Your DH sounds like a tw@t

MrTiddlesTheCat · 19/10/2023 15:00

Imagine he were right (he isn't) and he reported you to the police for telling someone about how he doesn't support his child, because you'd embarrassed him. Next step would be appearing in court which would be reported in the local press, most local papers do a list of who's in court this week and for what. Then everyone would know what a deadbeat dad he was and what a vindictive ex he was as a bonus. In trying to silence you from telling one person he'd end up telling the whole world. Bit of a shame really that he's talking nonsense and the police will laugh at him.

wildwestpioneer · 19/10/2023 15:04

I'd tell his friends, but I'm a gobby twat on occasions

The police would laugh at him.

Fruitandclottedcream · 19/10/2023 15:05

To be honest.. I'd be telling everyone who knows us how sad you are that he's refusing to see DD, and then point out he never said I can't do that 🫣

Penguinsmum · 19/10/2023 15:07

Omg what A pathetic baby he is. I almost hope he goes to the police and they have a good laugh about how stupid he is! Hold your head up high you are doing a great job.

TeaGinandFags · 19/10/2023 15:08

He's gaslighting you. Of all the things the police have to do, siding with a bully is not on their list. Especially if said bully develops short arm disease via-à-vis forking out for their kid. (Absentee or neglectful fathers keep the police on overtime).

Discuss what you want with whomever you want.

As an aside, a form of harrassment familiar to the police is making repeated and unjustified complaints about someone. Thus, should he make that complaint, it may well bite him on the bum.

Ignore his nonsense.

whynotwhatknot · 19/10/2023 15:11

my sisters ex told eveyrone she stopped him seeing his son

utter bollocks

dont be surprised if your ex is doing the same

JanefromLondon1 · 19/10/2023 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Notmetoo · 19/10/2023 15:13

The police won't do anything. You haven't done anything wrong. He is being ridiculous and sounds like a bully.

horseyhorsey17 · 19/10/2023 15:15

He's a massive prick, no wonder you're not with him. But no, there's no chance of him either going to the police or them taking it seriously. Just another chancer trying to dodge paying what he should be paying towards his child. Bellend.

TheyAlwaysWin · 19/10/2023 15:15

It is an empty threat meant to intimidate you. Do whatever is best for you and your DD. If that includes speaking to friends about your situation, you are free to do that.

What a dick.

Nicole1111 · 19/10/2023 15:15

The police would laugh him out the door. Don’t let his attempts to control and manipulate you even when you’re not in a relationship work.

54isanopendoor · 19/10/2023 15:16

mewkins · 19/10/2023 12:43

It's not harassment and you're not even slandering him if it's true.

This.
I found my exH was happy to not pay CMS.
Less happy if I told other people about it.
Crappy behaviour to use your anxiety against you too.
Dont give him another moments thought! (easier said than done I know).
There is no way he would go to the Police as he knows he's a sad little man.
They'd laugh at him anyway.

Peanuts2000 · 19/10/2023 15:17

I find it really sad reading on here about all these ar$eholes who refuse to pay for THEIR children or only the bare minimum and refuse to see them. They should be getting hounded by CMS to pay up.
OP I agree with others that I would be telling everyone he doesn't see his child and pays bare minimum for them despite earning a good wage.
Communicate only by text or email. If he thinks you are harassing him or has cause for slander, let him complain to police or take you to court. Don't think he will get anywhere as everything is true.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/10/2023 15:18

MamaBear2210T · 19/10/2023 12:37

The police would just laugh at this. It's not harassment.

They certainly would!

Blimey - you can't get them out to an assault these days, never mind a "my ex-wife has said nasty things about me to her friend."

It isn't even slanderous because it's true.

Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 15:21

ThanksDep · 19/10/2023 14:49

Thanks, I’m too weary of him to cause any further issue to be honest. Just wish he was a better man. My own fault, I chose a bad’un!

In which case, you’re inadvertently protecting him.