To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

I can't say I've ever come across a family in the UK with 5 or more children which didn't stem from religious or cultural reasons, along with a lot of sexism, lack of access to contraception etc.
My own parents are each one of seven and I'm going to go out on a limb based on what I know from their lives and assume my grandmothers would both have limited their reproduction at the time if they could.

I think you're paragraph about being able to 'opt out' is very true. I only have two but mat leave and not having to do social stuff I don't want to do has been nice. I do think that parents of larger families put their heads in the sand about future costs. Costs per child rise rapidly from about 8 on. My brother has three in University at the one time and it's incredibly expensive and he earns a high salary. I know that I can only provide for two, so I'm only having two.

You still sound confused and judgy about it to be fair! I don't think people need a reason to have more than the 2 kids that you're deciding to stop at because financially you don't want more. If they want more, financially can have more, surely it's just up to them whether they want to do it all again?

Using having children as excuses to check out of life seems odd to me as well. Just because you have kids it doesn't stop you being able to attend a party without them, or not be able to work and so on.

I've thought this before. Not all large families, but certainly appears to be with some. I know a large family and the parents pay little attention to their kids once they reached a certain age. It's like they were only interested when they were babies and children (all adults now).

Totally agree I can’t wait for baby no2 to get a paid year off work again.

Yes being a Mum is hard but it’s so much easier than being at work or being a working Mum.

I think any families of any size will just depend though.
we only have 1, but I have never been able to spend days just going to toddler groups and leisurely lunches, I have always had work or stuff to do and Ds has had to tag along.

I've never met anyone with more than 3 kids. I'm sure I could keep my thoughts to myself if I met someone with 5+ !

A lot of large families in this country are poor and I can assure you the mums are not out having 'coffee mornings'!

@PinkRoses1245 a child in my son's class is one of 9!

I know what you mean. I’ve decided not to have more for a host of practical reasons but I’m really going to be sad to leave the baby/pre-schooler phase behind. I’ve found there is something really addictive about it.

I definitely think some folk are addicted to having babies, and don't think about the longer term implications of more and more children.
Of course parents of one child or parents of 10 children can be good or bad role models, so I don't jump to too many conclusions (or try not to), but the idea of loads of kids would be my idea of hell!

I also agree 100%. And it definitely isn't limited to large families. I see that even with women who have only one child.

This is something my late father warned me about when I was still a teenager. I didn't understand it then but I do understand it now.

I only know of two big families but finances don’t really come into it. They don’t work and live in council houses, so I don’t think the escape of maternity leave is something that appeals to them.

I wondered recently why they keep having kids (one has a newborn and the other is pregnant for the 5th time) and maybe it is like an addiction, or a kind of habit? They’re used to having babies around them I guess and it gives them a purpose. The main concern is that their kids don’t have clothes that fit, often don’t turn up to school, etc, but that’s a different topic.

I think if you break it down it is the only reason we are here isn’t it? Some people feel that primal urge to procreate more strongly than others. 100 years ago it was fairly normal to have lots of kids. I know a mum of 6 and I met a mum of 8 the other day! I thought that was amazing and in a society that calls some “boss babe” a “queen”, I’d prefer to call the mum of 8 a queen.

Yes, I think so.

At DS' school the well off families don't seem to have more than three whilst the poorer families are the ones who descend into the 4+ territory. Why is this?

I'm poor but stopped at one due to finances. Contraception is free. So I'd argue a lack of contraception isn't the case, whereas, obviously, in the past, this was an issue.

I know what you mean. It's a bit like being part of a club, and kind of gives you a special status in society. I know I'll really miss these years when they're gone, and feel a strange kind of nostalgia about it even though I'm still experiencing it. I could easily keep having babies if time and money (and sleep!) weren't factors. I'm also aware that babies will turn into bigger kids / teenagers, and I might not enjoy that bit so much!

I get it. I have loved being on mat leave and getting to be a mum full-time. I’ll probably have to stop at two but if it was practically possible I would love to string this time out as long as I could. I have never been happier. Also I love the idea of a full, noisy house for years and years to come.

@HarperMae i’m not sure I’m ‘judging’ in a bad way necessarily? Just more curious was to why considering it’s no longer the ‘norm’ in the UK.

Some of the mums I’ve met have been wonderful warm and kind women.

I would have loved a big family(we have 3) for me I have enjoyed the stages from the baby days through to the stage I’m at now(teens).
We stopped at 3 for a couple of reasons but I hope to foster once my own children are older.

My sibling has 5dc all now teens/adults and doing their own things. Two have dc of their own.

I do think there are people who get addicted to the pregnancy and baby stage and the things that come with it but they don’t consider long term.

I have to say I found the total consuming nature of motherhood, especially the first time round, utterly addictive. Not every mother feels it, the overwhelming love that you have with your baby, the bond between you - I know it is not universal and one can get in a lot of trouble in parenting forums for suggesting that it is but oh my goodness.

I've always been a bit 'romantic' (I hope to raise my girls differently, but it's how I turned out!) and imagined that true love would be the big thing in my life - and sad to say I've found men woefully disappointing on that front, even the nice ones. The level of connection I was expecting/hoping for I never found with romantic partners. It's there in spades with my children, from the minute they were born, even when you're ready to cry from exhaustion, even when you're ready to scream when they're being naughty and you can't so much as get them out of the house - it's like I've always had this huge amount of loving and giving inside me, this willingness to sacrifice and cherish and protect and share, and it had nowhere to go that was willing or worthy to take it - and now it has.

Not ideal for other parts of life, or other relationships - my partner said he felt like he'd been 'replaced' by the baby, like I'd left him for her as it were, and I know I've become incredibly boring to him now I'm all about the children - the trouble is, it's very difficult to care because of how intensely fulfilling the bond with my children is. I slightly don't get it that he doesn't feel the same way about them tbh, and that forms another barrier between us.

Having said that, the euphoria of all this was less intense with the second baby, and though it turns out to be true what they say, that your love doubles rather than halves with the second baby, nevertheless there is the constant juggle of their often conflicting needs, the feeling of all that devotion being stretched thin in different directions, so I don't see myself having more (no chance in hell partner would agree anyway).

Perhaps other women who love motherhood have more in them and can stretch it further, I don't know. If I didn't have any other life pressures, maybe I could continue to feel 'enough' to three, four or five babies. Or maybe they lack my self-awareness and just keeping chasing that first baby high for diminishing returns. I think its important to know my limits.

I read a book once, a very long time ago, by someone who had worked extensively in children's services and social work. Can't remember the name of it, but the writer noted that a common theme among the mothers of larger families was low self esteem, for a multitude of reasons, and theorised that the pregnancy/baby stage was often the only time these particular women would get positive attention from their families, the only time they felt confident to carry on a conversation with strangers or potential new friends because of a 'topic' to talk about, the only time where their needs sat front and centre. This doesn't sit in a vacuum, of course. I'd love to read more on the topic.

I must admit, now that I’m a mum to teens and have slowly drifted from the mum friends I had due to us returning to work/ our kids growing apart as they do, I do feel quite lost. I’m not career driven, I only ever wanted to be a Mum. Now that part of my life is over (younger parenting years at least), I’m not sure what my path is. We chose to stop at 2 due to my health, SEN and keeping financial stability, but I can see why people would want to continue. I’m a homebody and love children. It was a great part of my life that I do miss

Also yes my body is wrecked. Don't know how women recover between pregnancies when they keep having more. My dental health alone after years of pregnancies and breastfeeding... and my joints oh god my joints. Couldn't really do pregnancy a third time, God knows how women manage 5 times!

I'm going to be judgy af but I know a family with 6 children and I do think it's a mix between loving the baby/toddler phase and not wanting to go into the workplace. I'd be surprised if any of the children went to university so costs in that respect wouldn't be a consideration. She's also been having babies since coming out of school so has never had a fulltime job. I'd imagine getting into your 30s without that experience you're going to be reluctant stepping into the unknown.