To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

I think assertiveness training would be cheaper quicker and less work @Sugarcoatedcandycane if you really can’t tell your friends you don’t want to go to a social event.

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem Thats not the reason I’ve had my baby and want more!

Absolutely not.

So if it’s not “the reason” for you @Sugarcoatedcandycane why do you think it is for larger families?

I have five - might have more, possibly not, as I actually hate being pregnant! For me I think it’s a combination of being a very “homebody” and laid back type person and having been a lonely child. I would have given anything for double digit close in age siblings like DH had and I would love for our DC to have the memories and bonds that he has. Most of our close friends and family have 3-10 so clearly a little chaos doesn’t bother us. 😅

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem ive already posted what I think in my OP. That’s the whole point in this thread?

Well, I've got 6. I love, love, love the newborn stage.
But I was finished making babies before I was 30.

My grandmother spent the majority of her 20s and 30s pregnant. She told me she wouldnt change a thing and absolutely loved having a busy house fussing after everyone and cooking huge dinners. It would be my worst nightmare I love having just one!

I think some of it also stems from what your life is before kids. I absolutely love my job (nothing fancy, I'm a nurse!) so while I loved mat leave I also love being back in work. I work part time and enjoy work and time with my children. We have stopped at 2 due to finances primarily but I also feel fairly 'done'. I loved the baby bubble and toddlerdom- completely agree about the attention and also status in society although I have never really reflected on that before. It's made me realise how wonderful our city is for children with a real focus on activites for them.
Two good friends have become SAHM and thats partly financial as they were fairly low earners (also nurses) so financially not a huge benefit to them working, plus they can pick it up again in the future, but they didn't enjoy their work before kids. Being a mum clearly fulfils them much more, they are wonderful mums, so going back to work didn't appeal like it did for me and other friends.
My mum was and is an amazing mum (of 3!) and always tells me to prioritise my life outside kids. Have time alone with DH, foster friendships away from the school gates and have hobbies and interests. Not only does it really help with being shunned by teens and the empty nest stuff but it models a really healthy balanced life to your kids. I have always followed this advice and while I hugely prioritise my kids currently (they are 3 and 6 so only small) will make sure at each new age I also become more independent too. I think this would help with the 'not feeling defined by motherhood' thing.
Also- I work with women and see loads with 5/6/7 kids (usually arabic, somali women where I work). They are all so lovely, smiley and kind to their kids, even in absolute chaos and with little money. They are lovely mums for the most part and clearly within their culture having lots of kids is a thing. I wouldn't judge them the same as I don't judge people who choose to have 1.

Was just about to type the same but much less articulately.

I'm fascinated by large families and watched many on documentaries and YouTube. They all seem to have certain traits in common (these don't seem to apply to the religious or cultural ones):

1. Woman started very young, usually in teens or very early 20s

1. Both from lower socio economic group, no higher qualifications

1. Claim to be "addicted to babies" but very much seem to enjoy the attention of pregnancy and material aspects of a newborn eg, buying cots/prams/personalised clothing for newborn. They never buy secondhand, always new and expensive stuff.

1. Don't seem to be that bright. Claim their dc have the same time/attention/resources as families with 2dc, even when it is glaringly obvious that they live in very chaotic/overcrowded situations

1. Their dc tend to start having dc very young too.

1. When the dc grow up and they can't have any more children they start breeding dogs and/or cats. There definitely seems to be a 'safety in numbers' feeling.

I followed the families that were alongside the Morecambe family on the TV series, and nearly all of them split up after they stopped having dc, with most of the women saying there was DV and/or coercive control, and getting pregnant was part of that. The women then seem to go a bit wild and "it's me time!" and relinquish responsibility of the kids in order to go off and party/meet new men.

I only have 5 so don’t fit the super large family stereotypes above. I only know a few larger families but they seem utterly unremarkable to me. There mums don’t seem particularly down trodden or to have low self esteem (actually rather the opposite, very very confident). It was a definite choice for us and for all the larger families I know.

This was my family, now as adults we don’t have great relationships with our parents. One sister is no contact.

very much felt like babies got
more attention and as you older you were more of a disappointment. Completely shown in grandchildren too, obsessed with new babies and not so much older children

@thecatsthecats

To me the attention is quite oppressive and oddly disrespectful. But I can see how other, more normal people might thrive on it.

I totally agree with you. I find the attention paid to pregnant women and women with tiny babies faintly nauseating and I found it very oppressive when I was pregnant.

I love being a mother to my daughter but I honestly found the idea that people were congratulating me for having incubated, delivered and supported a small child a bit repulsive. There's no skill to it, literally anyone can do it. Why celebrate it? And I hated people commenting on my pregnancy bump etc. It's as if people are relieved to see women reduced to their most basic biological function and stripped of anything more active, authoritative or intellectual.

The whole culture of early motherhood creeps me out. It's bad enough feeling like a walking incubator/dairy without people actively celebrating it.

Sums it up!

Totally agree!

Also not gushy about the baby-toddler stage. I have 2 amazing DCs and love them with everything, but huge chunks (but by no means all) of that early stage was more challenging than rewarding. I would actually be devastated if I accidentally got pregnant again. Very happy with what I have.

3 of my old school friends all had 5 kids. All pregnant as teens. None of them religious.
It wouldn't be for me but each to their own!

The Radfords?

I have 3 kids which feel like a lot to me, I personally can’t imagine having anymore and being able to cope. I also feel judged for having even 3 kids, especially as I work in the sustainability sector, so tend to be vague about the No of kids I have in work conversations 😬

There is a family local to me with 11 children. The children are pretty much feral and seem to look after themselves, spending a lot of time wandering the streets, the oldest kids seem to look after the younger kids. I put in a safeguarding concern to the school after one of the children came to my house and told me they were hungry because they don’t get anything to eat at home. A friend of mine said the same child expressed amazement at being given strawberries and told her she had never seen them before in real life, wherever any of it was true I don’t know but hopefully the concerns were investigated.

This mother is currently pregnant so the family continue to have children despite not seeing to be particularly concerned about the older children they already have, I guess they just like having babies and once you get to that number it definitely seems like an addiction. Like all addictions there will be an underlying cause and it’s probably not easy to just break out of it without help.

The only large families I know tend to have the kids in batches of two with each new 'father' figure moved into the home. It's like they think it's compulsory to have children with whichever man ìs flavour of the month at that moment.
They are from a low socio economic background, the mothers I know have never had a paid job and new babies seem to miraculously appear at times the job centre would expect them to be looking for work (usually once the youngest starts school another pregnancy is announced).
Obviously this is only my experience but the people I know that have large families have 100% used them as a reason not to work.

Having large families does impact on everyone else though. Apart from environmentally, there is the impact on local services etc.

I love love love having a baby in the house. Love pushing a pram. Love all their firsts. Love the smell of them. Love baby clubs. I would have a million if I could. Just an endless cycle of first years.

I’m one of seven children. My mother loved babies, children not so much.
We weren’t unusual though in a Catholic school in the 70s/80s. My mother did use contraception as well, it was by choice.
DHs parents were from massive families, not by choice though

I have a good childhood friend. She knew how crap things were for me growing up in a large family, the lack of privacy and money etc. compared to her being one of two. she’s gone on to have six children herself. She loves them but spends a huge amount of time complaining about the difficulties of having them. It shouldn’t be a surprise to her. I also think she was caught up in the ease and relative cheapness of babies and toddlers. It’s hard to be sympathetic.

You must have a wedgey from pulling up your judgey pants too high today.
I am not religious. I have 6 dc, a career, a dh, am educated and you are misinformed.