To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

A really interesting thread, OP and I totally agree with you. I very nearly had a third (I loved the lifestyle, found being a mum came very naturally, had lots of really good mum friends who were also not working, I hated my job and didn't want to go back F/T). I resisted the urge to have a third but childminded a relative for a bit instead and that helped. I now work full time in a different job and I love it. My children are now lovely teenagers.

When I was in my ante-natal classes at the grand old age of 32 (elderly prima gravida!!) there was a young expectant mum - she was 18, I think. She stood out amongst the crowd as weirdly matronly, but not in a good way. She wasn't like any 18 year old I'd ever met. The poor midwife had to constantly interrupt her because she had a hoard of awful, gruesome stories about the perils of pregnancy and motherhood, terrible labours, internal damage during delivery, etc etc incontinence and rupture.

I encountered her over and over again over a period of about 10 years and she was always pregnant - I think she had 6 the last time I met her. Yet motherhood seemed to bring out her 'We're all doomed!' attitude - there was just no joy in it for her, it seemed. I've never forgotten her and she puzzles me. Why keep getting pregnant if that's your attitude? I guess the only explanation is that she came from a background where women just get pregnant as soon as it's legal and keep on going until the menopause hits - that was the only life/future/role she had ever seen.

@Siameasy I'm not choosing to serve my boss over my family. I'm choosing to serve my patients and people who need help in a mental health crisis. Imagine if all mothers felt more 'noble' being SAHM's. Who would work as nurses, teachers, social care workers, scientists, professors, medics and all the other jobs in the world. Who would help you in hospital should you pop out another kid? Who would teach your children in school? Who would come to take a statement from you if you were burgled?

What is noble about increasing the population? - To the pp that thinks it is for some reason.

Women who can’t or have not had the opportunity to have children must clearly be inferior then in your eyes, even if they are doctors or nurses or human rights lawyers or teachers or emergency service workers.

I can’t think of anything worse than doing the baby stage over and over.

My kids are now 5 and 7. We have conversations! They like books which are not mind bogglingly repetitive! We can do activities together that we all enjoy! They can entertain themselves! They can wipe their own bums!

I grew up round quite a few large families and I really liked the dynamics of them, though I'm aware I was seeing that from outside (I'm one of three, which I wouldn't say is "large", and there's a big age gap in my family as well, which affects the dynamics). So for me, a desire to have a big family stems from that really. (Though I doubt we'll actually have more than three as both of mine so far have been awkward pregnancies ending in sections - common sense has to come into play here and DH and I are unsure even about having another one at the moment.)

I think you've got the dynamic of more children/ not working the wrong way round to be honest. I know plenty of people who'd like another one but can't afford childcare. If you've already got a SAHP then that's not an issue, and even a PT working parent makes a big difference.

Looking after your family is a far more noble endeavour than any career.

And yet it wouldn’t be possible for you to do it without a partner that’s prepared to be dishonourable by having a career serving a boss. Oddly enough, I doubt you say this to them.

And yet it wouldn’t be possible for you to do it without a partner that’s prepared to be dishonourable by having a career serving a boss. Oddly enough, I doubt you say this to them.

No, oddly this sort of thing never applies to men. See also "why have children if someone else is going to raise them" or "caring more about fancy cars and holidays than spending time with their children".

Women who can’t or have not had the opportunity to have children must clearly be inferior then in your eyes, even if they are doctors or nurses or human rights lawyers or teachers or emergency service workers.

I have yet to meet a patient who cared about my reproductive status! Some of my colleagues, however, do tend to think that having had children makes them more understanding of what cancer patients go through....rather than the actual cancer survivor 🤷‍♀️