To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

One of the mums at DS’ private school is a 23 year old mum of 3 who has just had her 4th. She’s a lovely girl and when we chatted she told me she had no control over anything in her life except having kids - she was 18 when she married her DS (who was 25 at the time). She met him in Freshers Week (he was a guest of one of the societies). They fell in love and within a year she had dropped out of uni and was planning her wedding - as it often goes when Indian girls find a ‘well settled’ guy.

He’s lovely but he’s extremely wealthy, so much money and so many bills she wouldn’t know how to manage his money (he has a finance manager lol), and so she gets a hefty allowance for personal spends. He doesn’t really give her input or control over things other than household / child related stuff and has left the decision of how many kids to have with her. She wants 8 (like her grandmother did) and as they can clearly support them & adore the kids they have I don’t see why she shouldn’t have them.

Had I not had every fertility problem under the sun I would have liked to have 5/6 children. I adore my son but always wanted a large family and would never judge anyone for trying to make it happen.

Main one that comes to mind is a certain Morecambe family who certainly have to be addicted to have that many.

I do think think that coming from a ‘bigger’ family myself has made me way more curious about it than otherwise.

Although I absolutely love being a mum to a toddler and feel like I really enjoy this lifestyle, I have to remind myself of being on the ‘other’ side of the coin as the child.

My mum was/is fab and PIL are great and warm and the kindest people I know.
However me and DP have both discussed how being one of ‘many’ does have downfalls no matter how great the parenting. When children get older they need a different type of attention which you can’t always get when your parents are literally having to keep toddlers/babies alive 24/7 on top of other kids. So the guidance isn’t always there and you can quite easily be sneaky and hide stuff or go through difficult situations without having your parents realise what’s happening unless you actively bring it to their attention.

We decided at the beginning to only have 2dc for quality of life for everyone (us and dc). However that doesn’t stop the hormones wanting more babies or the lifestyle of little ones being so enjoyable/addictive!

I am one of 5, each of us planned for and dearly loved.
There you go - now you've come across (virtually) a family with 5 children which DOESN'T stem from religious or cultural reasons, along with a lot of sexism, lack of access to contraception etc.

My Mum said she wanted to have a large family. She spent all her adult life raising children and then spending as much time as she could with her grandchildren. It wasn't an addiction, it was something she wanted and was able to do.

I also don't know a single person in fact who has more than 3 kids. 5 seems like way too many. I have 2 and I am more than done. Can't wait until my younger one starts school, being a sahp is anything but fun and enjoyable! I would much rather work.

Yes, this all resonates with me, OP.

I have two and found the early years quite tough going. But I'm not quite out of it yet (kids 8 and 4) but once I am out a stage I do look back it through rose tinted glasses sometimes (whilst at other times heaving a huge sigh of relief!)

But some women seem to embrace the chaos in a way that I couldn't, and yes, they have seemed to make it their identity.

By and large though, they are stay at home mums. I don't think there are many people who would covet the stress of being a working mum.

(Not saying being a stay at home mum is easy - it's absolutely not. But devoting yourself to that and focusing on that and enjoying it is very different to having to split yourself in half the way working mums do).

I also think there is a trend now, here and in the US, of girls becoming stay at home mums to multiple kids and glamorising / monetising it on social media.

Back in the day, people with a lot of kids just got on with it. Whereas now it seems to be a badge of honour amongst some to see how many kids they can pop out and how many crafts and dance routines they can do with them in matching pjs.

So, yes, I do think there are women who make having kids their lifestyle and do choose to opt out of other aspects of life. But, as with most things these days, I think social media and being seen to have a lot of kids has something to with it.

I’m finding this thread fascinating! I adore my child, but I had such a horrible reaction to the lifestyle that I can’t comprehend some are addicted to it. Maybe it’s a survival thing - it’s so overwhelming that your mind needs to “over buy” into it to be able to go through it? By that I don’t mind it has to be horrible for everyone

The large family I know puzzle me, neither parent works fulltime, the father has a very part time job, the mother hasn't worked since she was a teenager. After each child they said they weren't having any more but within a year or so there is another due, I'd love to understand what drives the desire to keep having children. They live in a large rented house in the countryside with the rent mainly paid for them but now the house is for sale and they are fighting to have the council purchase it for them. They home school the children and for the last few weeks have been on a driving holiday through France and Germany. They seem very comfortable financially but do rely on the husbands mother for a lot of help, she's a good friend of mine and I often feel she is being taken advantage of regarding childminding, buying shoes etc.

I think you're onto something OP. I would love for someone to look into it in more depth.
I imagine there are some broad groups. I have noticed (through personal life experiences not work)

• those who have unresolved trauma, didn't grow up in an ideal environment who really want that mother bear sort of badge of honour. Want small children to love and to love them.

• those who thrive on taking on a lot and being busy, the adrenaline of being overstretched and achieving things, who love the chaos of a busy, full house.

• those who like the social aspect that having a baby allows you to access. When your child turns five there really is less social activities for parents. If I was not very outgoing and didn't have many contacts, a toddler group would give me that connection.

• those who were really high achieving career wise and don't see how to opt out of that life. A low paying, low stress job would be a waste of their skills and so having a baby/ toddler is an excuse. They often run the toddler groups with military precision, run the PTA, organise events etc, they get that buzz of project management but without having to be apart from their babies.

@JustAMinutePleass I find that a little sad as she hasn't really lived a life and already at 23 has four children. Even if she is happy I find that sad.

He must have something on the side/cash in hand as well as parental to help to afford things because you don't get benefits like UC for every child now.

I know two ladies with over 5 children; one with 5 and one with 6. Both very different lifestyles and financial stability.

Number 1: 6 children, DFriend's sister
She never wanted to work so basically spread her kids out to have one roughly every 5 years until she got to late 40s and now has a disability that stops her being able to work.

Number 2: 5 children, DH's cousin
Financially very well off. She just loved everything about the baby phase.

I think anyone who has more than 1 child is a superhero tbh.i found the early years with my ds very hard and I wasn't suited to being at the baby/toddler stage.

It’s definitely like being part of a club. My youngest is now in Y5, and when I drop her at breakfast club she skips off, having dressed herself, packed her bag, brushed her own hair, got out of the car on her own etc. The other day I was there at the same time as two Reception parents and they were talking about stuff I’d already forgotten about - how stressful it was dealing with book bags and knowing what PE kit to buy etc. I’m at the “do you need anything?” when we near the school uniform section of the supermarket stage, and couldn’t even really tell you what PE kit we currently own!

I did feel a bit left out (not in a bad way!) when I realised I’m out of that bubble now. I used to see people with “big kids” and feel like they were on a different planet to me, and now I see I was sort of right.

@CharlotteBog I am one of 5, each of us planned for and dearly loved.
There you go - now you've come across (virtually) a family with 5 children which DOESN'T stem from religious or cultural reasons, along with a lot of sexism, lack of access to contraception etc.

Not really, unless you are still a child and posting on mumsnet doesn't really relate to people who choose to have 5 or more children today.

It's interesting that you describe it as "opting out" socially to have children.

I very much feel as if I'm opting in - not always voluntarily either! I'm opting in to living with a whole extra person. I'm opting in to supporting his social life. I'm opting in to mum friends, and more contact with the in laws, and to doing family-based trips with my own friends.

To people who were only ever casual acquaintances it might well look like an opt out, but I tend to think a lot of people overestimate their social networks as being less situational/convenience based than they actually are.

For me it's a real mixture of being thrilled t have a cast iron excuse to leave some things behind for now (NYE!), excited to start other things (nuclear family Christmas!) and knowing I'll have to make the effort on his behalf (Halloween).

The fact that someone at work or from the extended family or a not-actually-that-close friend might think I'm opting out is neither here nor there.

It dont bother me how many children one may have as i dont have to look after them.
I have one child soon to be 19 no way would i want more.

I work with a lady of 42 years old who has 8 children. She’s a grandma as her eldest is 23 and has her own dc. She has children ranging from 23-2 years old. I have 2 dc and still can’t keep on top of the washing so am I total awe of her. She isn’t religious, she works, she has 2 dogs and her and her husband always take the kids camping, do crafts, go to the beach, sports etc. she also works really hard and goes above and beyond most days in her job. I have no idea how. For me, raising children for almost 40 years sounds like hell. But to each their own I guess. I’m delighted mine are now 8 and 11 and getting more independent! I am not one for the baby and toddler stage.

Interesting thoughts there OP. When down to choice, I think definitely the noise and energy of a child filled-house is something that large families I know take pride in. It also seems to be a status thing amongst some middle class families - we can have this number of children, so we will.

I also like the energy and bustle of large families but with certain types there is a kind of arrogance that goes along with that - large house, big car, dominance at school and in clubs etc.

I only had one child, wanted another but it didn't happen. I enjoyed the mum groups etc for a little while but the cosiness and insularity of my son's infancy made me feel a bit panicky, while for some it seemed to be their raison d'etre.

I'm from a larger family. My mother was addicted to having babies. She couldn't care less once they got to school age and myself and my DB (oldest 2) were neglected quite badly. She's not religious and had access to contraception. She's just scum.

I know what you mean OP. I have 7, planning more. I have ASD and it has become an addiction , I think it would have been anyway as I always loved babies but a late loss severe trauma in my teenage years meant I became more obsessed with having babies

I have 4 and I also have taken in children that aren't mine, sgo/Foster type situations. So I do love children and that's of any age.

My reasons are how lonely as an adult with no siblings or proper parental relationships, no aunts or uncles or cousins.
I wanted my children to have that.
If they choose to have their own children they will have each others love and support, if they don't they still have each other for love and support.
(They're all super close and it was discussed with the older children prior to trying for more how they'd feel if our family grew.)
I've had to care for dying grandparents and a parent alone and a very unwell mother, essentially since my teens with no support.
I didn't ever want to burden my children, I teach them they're a team and that myself or their dad aren't their responsibility, but when we die, they hopefully will have the support of one another, something I've never had. As I say, they get on well, if that wasn't the case I'd have no had more.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the baby stage and love being a mum generally, but my reasons were more for the future than for that. Because I fucking detest pregancy.

Growing up was utterly miserable and dealing with sick elders was lonely.
I didn't want my DC to not have a good solid support network. DP has nobody either to provide them with a good family network.

Had I had a sibling or even a cousin, I'd have probably stopped at 2 as much as I enjoy my large family.

I appreciate that it's harder work, more money etc to be in a larger family but I do have comfort knowing that when I've gone, I leave them still with family.

@Coffeerum well now you have ..

I am one of 5, my mum wanted one more (I used to bed for a sister) and tried again. Ended up being pregnant with twins so we went from 3 siblings to 5. 🙂

I think that must depend on what your job is!

My work is massively easier than being at home with baby/toddler. I also couldn't get out of the playgroup attending young child 'lifestyle' quick enough.

I wanted more children than my two, but not having to go through pregnancy and the dreadful first year of sleeplessness and endless care is a consolation.

I wanted a large family because I love the idea of having lots of adult children and big family get togethers etc. It didn't work out for me (medical reasons), but not everyone wants lots of kids because they are obsessed with the baby bit.

If you just love babies wouldn't it be better to go for nanny/childminder/nursery roles where you get an endless stream of little ones in your life and don't have to deal with all the teenage costs etc!

Upon reflection I would like to have married and had kids younger because I would’ve been able to have more. My experience of “pursuing a career”, something heavily pushed at school in the 90s, is that it was hugely overrated and stressful and often comes at a cost. I do wonder whether women in general are built for “careers” in a high-stress workplace? Finding a husband after 30 wasn’t easy either. I wonder if future generations of women will do things differently?