To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

And of course all the tax they earn to prop up the economy and pay for pensions.

@Sumtimesiamgreen huh? Where have I said anything derogatory? I’m actually saying I understand and that if I had enough money and health id probably do it too! I don’t get where you’re coming from?

The whole premise that you would only have a large family if you were “addicted” to either babies or “the lifestyle” is derogatory. The endless and frankly odd insistence that you must have some sort of deficit or psychological problem to want more than two children on this thread. Like a previous poster I am not particularly religious, am educated to degree level as is my dh, didn’t have my children “young”, aren’t only interested in babies, and I don’t neglect my children or any of the other tosh. Yes I would have more money if I had fewer dependents but presumably that’s the same for everyone.

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem its a discussion about why people have larger families. There are loads of discussions about being ‘one and done’ and whether or not ‘to go for a third’.

You get people from both arguments on those threads too.

I get that you have 5 kids so may feel ‘attacked’ by this thread but you’re not. Other mums of multiples have commented with their reasonings and love of having a big family.

Like I said, I love being a mum, enjoy the lifestyle and if I was able too, that would be my reason for having many kids if I could.

I don’t feel personally attacked because frankly none of the stereotypes particularly apply to me. There are tons of larger families on MN. There are tons in the world. You asked if people felt it was an addiction. I don’t think so and neither did the other mums of larger families. You seemed to be suggesting you could understand wanting to stay having coffee mornings and playgroups because you enjoy that stage. That wasn’t a driver for me and I’m not sure why you couldn’t have a less work focused lifestyle without babies?
Anyway, I sincerely doubt if the few families I know that that was the reason. I think they like having more children. I personally would have had another but it wasn’t sensible.

What about when they aren't babies any more? Do you still love them then? I know one woman (who is lovely BTW, but I suspect has LD) who is in her late 50s now and still loves babies, but it seems once her dc got past about 2 she really couldn't relate to them at all.

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem I think childcare would be the main career inhibiting factor! I don't think 6 dc is that large though, the "addicted" people usually have 8+.

I absolutely loved the baby and toddler years. I wanted to do it over and over again. I loved being with small kids, socialising with new people at baby and toddler groups, being off work, having time to myself to go outside, discover new places.
I did enjoy my identity as a mum to small kids. I loved feeling busy and purposeful with tasks that were easy to me, like housework.
In comparison, I hate going out to work every day, getting up early, answering to other people and having no time.
I understand it can be addictive.

I stopped at two, but I wanted (and still want but can't afford) six. I home educate my two, my life is basically about my family, and I don't see why that is necessarily a bad thing. As long as I don't pressure the kids to provide emotionally for me, why shouldn't i be happy in my family? What's wrong with that?

I know several people with four or five children, only one for religious reasons. Most with the same spouse. And the vast majority are home educators, so most of their lives/identities are tied up in their families too. So? If everyone is happy, and the kids grow up functional and happy, what's so wrong with that? Most of them go into volunteer work as their kids get older, so empty nest syndrome is less of an issue for our bunch.

Not everyone is interested in a career. I get bored with jobs, any job, very quickly- but I don't get bored of my family.

Oh, and most of us had careers pre kids. I owned and ran my own business and have postgraduate qualifications, others travelled for work, ran organisations etc. This just happens to be the lifestyle we discovered we liked best.

I'm one of 6, my eldest sister has 9 kids and I know a few other 5+ families. Addiction to being pregnant and small babies, the attention, the 'perks' i.e free dental care, avoiding the work place. My sister is now a single mother on benefits, with no money and the children are often neglected. Growing up my dad worked hard, my mother didn't work at all yet we didn't have much money and were often neglected.

I have two children and would never have any more, for many reasons for mainly because I couldn't adequately care for more and I want my children to have the best chance in life but not every mother thinks that. From personal experience, I completely judge larger families even if they have lots of money and the kids appear well looked after. There's something about growing up 'one of 5' 'one of 6' that affects how you view lots of things and it's wrong.

I live in a very affluent part of London so my experiences of larger families is a bit different. They are mostly British, or other white Western families, well-educated and very wealthy (all dcs in private school from nursery, nannies, multiple homes). The mums aren't spending all their time at toddler groups and running around after kids - they share it with the nanny and other staff, and the schools also cover lots of extracurriculars so they aren't ferrying dc around to clubs. They usually work part-time, in a family business or some kind of self-employment, which allows a lot of flexibility, and it means they have an identity outside of the family. I think part of their reasons for having larger families is that they have enough money and resources so that there's almost no need to limit their family size, having enough dc to take on roles in the family business and financial legacy, and probably a bit of status - the dc all go to very nice schools and have good achievements and it looks good for them to have bragging rights for that. And to be fair to them they do tend to turn out perfectly nicely brought up dc.

I vaguely know someone with 8 children and it 100% is an addiction to the baby phase. As soon as one is walking and talking, she is pregnant with another. Their family isn’t particularly wealthy either.

I personally think it’s batshit, and feel sorry for the older children who are expected to pitch in with childcare.

I must be strange then because I can't imagine being addicted to having kids in any way!
I have one and she's always been a handful. Love her to bits but have never gotten round to doing it again and couldn't wait to go back to my job to get some adult time! I prefer things now she's older. I suppose it depends how well you took to being a mum- some of us really struggle and I found it really hard.

Most people I know are 2 and done, but occasionally I've seen families of 3 or 4 have 'one more'. Seems like very hard work.

I've seen the really sad side of it where women in addiction, who've had children removed from them either to foster care or adoption.
One lady has 8 in total, all of whom have been adopted. Since having her 8th (born with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome), she has had 2 further pregnancies, both of which miscarried at earlier stages.
There's a dark side to 'addiction' to having children...and it's the children that pay the price.

I watch a family on YouTube and she's expecting her 12th I think. It's car crash TV, from the second she's pregnant she's decorating the nursery, buying clothes etc, but then the novelty seems to wear off and she does nothing but complain about how hard life is with so many kids and they have no money to go anywhere or do anything. They only have a 5 seater car so can't even go for a drive. When they do a pregnancy reveal to the kids they are always very visibly annoyed. They've got 3 or 4 grandchildren now but have just revealed their "very last final baby".

My SIL has a LOT of kids and I agree it's like an addiction.
She has said she loves the feeling of having a new baby.
She largely ignores the older kids.
It's like those people who keep getting cute puppies and kittens and give them away when they're no longer cute.
There is an element of religion though. She believe God is blessing them with all those children.

This says controlling and grooming to me

I see this with some friends. Leaving behind the baby/toddler years has raised some problems for them with work / marriage / other things. I think in the early years you can shelter yourself from dealing with other very real issues by immersing in toddler groups and being sheltered from the "real world" of work and societies expectations

Pretty sure there is a recognised mental health condition where women are ‘addicted’ to having babies. I know someone who has deliberately had seven children with three men, mostly while lying to them that she was on the pill when she wasn’t. She dumped the father of four of her children when she got pregnant with her sixth child. As soon as the sixth child was approaching school
age she immediately became pregnant for the seventh time by a violent racist drug-user and animal abuser, whom all six of her other children despised.

She has very little money and until the older ones moved out the kids were sleeping three or four to a room. She split with her latest partner when it became apparent that she wasn’t likely to get pregnant by him.

She actually pays very little attention to her kids when they reach three or four. She definitely loves them but she isn’t actually very interested in them, if that makes sense. It’s all about babies for her.

She had a very tough childhood and has low self-esteem, and had her first baby at 17. It’s pretty clear to most people who know her that her own childhood and feelings of being unloved is a big factor - I think she only feels like she is worth something, or is loved, when she has a baby dependent on her. She has actively tried, with all seven children, to stop their fathers being hands-on dads when the kids are babies, eg refusing to ‘let’ their dads feed or bathe them etc.

What a fascinating thread. Can definitely relate OP, I only have 3 children but the third one was definitely a case of wanting prolong that preschool phase. I love toddler groups, drinking coffee and chatting with other mums, having the freedom to plan my day, enjoying the sunshine if the weather is good, etc.

I’ve come to terms with it coming to an end now (my youngest will start school next year) but I can see why some women would carry on.

Also there’s something very exciting about announcing a pregnancy (like announcing an engagement) and everyone being very happy for you, though I found that the excitement from others was less and less with each child.

I find this a very interesting topic & often think about it time to time.

I grew up in 'boro lived on various council estates - never went anywhere, the highlight of my year was plaggy baggin if it snowed, somehow scrapped by enough to go to uni, I've got an okay job in hc nothing fancy or high paying, rent, holiday in the uk, suffer with poor mh most likely due to upbringing...you get the picture.

Life can be so very bleak and hamster wheel-esque. I found having babies was very exciting and easily "in reach" (baring the mc) whereas everything else in life - good grades, good careers, holidays abroad, nice clothes, nice homes in nice areas seemed unattainable for someone like me but a baby I could have and I could experience that euphoric high, that tiny human was mine to take home & love. As posters above mentioned folk talked to you more, the world felt more positive, your life suddenly has meaning, purpose and (at times!) joy. It opens up places & people you wouldn't normally be part of. So I can understand why some do go on and on and on to have more babies.

I have 3 unless my financial circumstances change we won't be having anymore but I have loved every moment of raising my children.

Such an interesting thread, thank you op 💜
I had infertility for years and had my Dd later, she’s now 5 and I can see what you’re saying. I loved being it that bubble, it was bloody hard work at times but it was opting out a little, I loved the play dates, coffee meet ups, the attention, all of it. I didn’t expect it, but those have been the happiest times of my life and I’m struggling to come to terms with it being over. I have two frozen embryos left but feel I’m too old possibly at 45. If I was younger I’d definitely try for more and if money was no object I’d have 4

@Theantsgomarchingtwo that is incredibly sad. Have you ever had counselling?
I was watching an old documentary the other day about women having ten children, and it was very obvious that the women all had very unresolved issues from childhood. The way they spoke about having a child who unconditionally loves and needs you and really struggling when that came to an end (ie when they couldn't have any more) was just so sad. It really makes you question society when women are saying they want dc so that more people will talk to them! Do we only value the company of women who have children?

I only have three, but with a big gap between 1 and 2 so a similar total time span as if I'd had 5/6, and I do recognise myself in some of the posts

I feel very much like a fraud who has never had a "real adult job" and I desperately want to get out and change that but do feel very daunted about it. I have been drawn to baby/toddler centred industries too probably because it's one of the only things that I feel competent in dealing with. The only thing that I would say is that I don't think addictive is quite the right word. I think many people enjoy the baby stage and want it to keep going but I don't know if it's the same as addiction.

I always wanted more children after the first but had such a large gap due to a relationship break up. When I was finally pregnant again I was so happy about it. The only way I can really describe it is you know when you wake up, snooze your alarm and then realise that you don't actually have to get up, you can just turn it off and go back to sleep? That sense of blissful relief. Well going back into baby land was just like that for me. The only thing I can compare it to.

My eldest is a teenager and I haven't lost interest in him. If anything I found the primary years a bit dull, very Pokémon and Minecraft. But once the teen years have hit they seem to find themselves a bit more.