To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

Definitely think you are on to something. I left a very high pressure full on city job and was a sahm for 6 years. It is a seductive lifestyle you are free to do your own thing / pressures of the workplace gone / society appreciation. My two were pretty easy and well behaved and I met brilliant other mums in the same boat. It was a happy time in my life but definitely needed to get back into the real world when dd2 started school and we stopped at 2. The thought of remaining in that world didn’t feel healthy.

I now recoil from it - youngest 15 and can’t think of anything worse than sitting on the floor in a church hall and the daily drudgery <shudder>

I agree op but that is based on the few families l know with 5 + children - all started young (15 in on case (and seems to struggle now they are all a bit older) and it really is their whole lives.
I don't have a problem with it as such but it annoys me that l know they don't financially support themselves - they live off benefits - so they aren't funding it themselves.
Plus they don't seem to have the time for each child individually.
Wouldn't be for me - like you say, having children is a life stage rather than your whole existence revolving around raising kids. I look forward to DD growing up and seeing how she is as an adult.

I'm one of 6 and when I finally started thinking about kids always assumed I'd have 3 or 4. After having 2, I honestly couldn't imagine putting myself through pregnancy and the newborn stage again! Mine are still very little, but so far they've just gotten better and better as they've grown - I even feel a little bit guilty about having #2 because #1 is such a pleasure and so bright and curious, but #2 obviously needs a bit more attention being younger.

That said, my sibling just had baby #4 and I could easily see them going for 5 or even 6 (biology allowing) - they love that whole baby/toddler/preschool phase, I think it gives them a sense of purpose and confidence that they haven't got in other areas of their life. They're much more of a free-range parent than I am too, so I can see that they wouldn't necessarily feel as overwhelmed by being outnumbered as I would. There's definitely a strong element of personality difference too - they really can't stand being alone and so I think the kids (especially little ones) help, whereas I really need my own space and time and quiet, so more kids (and little ones at that!) would be really hard for me to cope with.

there's definitely a strong element of personality difference too
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/26/personality-types-women-childbirth-study

I'm never sure how much personality categorising is pseudo science - but I suppose it does make sense personality is going to influence if you have children, when and how many - and reading that article how those choices are judged as I got a definite later and fewer better vibe from the article.

I saw a documentary that looked at which women were having more kids in USA - shorter curvier women and it all focused on men picking these women and men's sexual preference and which affect that might have on population genetics - and completely ignored why the women were choosing to have more children.

I have 5 kids. My husband and I both always wanted 5. We love the chaos and generally love being around children. I've always worked and volunteered with kids in various settings and my has volunteered with various kids activities. We didn't have much money when our kids were small but now their older my husbands career has progressed and we manage fine. I work part time as a support worker which is a lot about equipping people for independent living and teaching them that they are capable of things they didn't think they were, which are also the parts of parenting I love.

My husband and I work well as a team and both really enjoy parenting. I have a social life and plenty of friends that I enjoy spending time with, as does my husband. We make an effort to spend time with the children 1:1 for at least 15mins per day and we try and do activities that they'd really enjoy 1:1 as well where we can. Obviously they do miss out on some things that we just can't do because there's so many of them, but I also think they gain something in the siblings they have. We also had our children very close in age so they have similar interests at the same time, so we're not trying to entertain a toddler and a teenager at the same time.

In my experience, although I love newborns, I also love every age we've hit so far,and are now approaching the teen years. Pregnancy was definitely not addictive, I did not enjoy that, and most of the large families I know found the same with pregnancy. And by the time I was on my 3rd there was a lot less excitement about pregnancy, and by the time I had my 5th I didn't want to tell anyone because I was so fed up of the judgement I got from others for having so many! And the youngest children didn't really experience the toddler/under 5 lifestyle as I was kind of out of it by yhen. To be honest once they hit 3 I think I found the lifestyle much more enjoyable, so I don't think it was an addiction to pregnancy/attention/lifestyle for me.

I think they PP who mentioned about being used to high pressure busy environments is most accurate. I thrive in those environments, especially where children are involved. I also just love parenting and all the different stages. It's obviously really hard work and there are plenty of times when I'm stressed out trying to juggle everything and I'm aware my kids are missing out on stuff, but I think that happens whatever type of family you have.

I saw a documentary that looked at which women were having more kids in USA - shorter curvier women and it all focused on men picking these women and men's sexual preference and which affect that might have on population genetics - and completely ignored why the women were choosing to have more children

My take on this (as a short curvy woman) is that it's a "low status" shape and probably, at a population level, has a correlation with low pay and fewer options.

I'm a short fat woman with a fantastic job by the way before you jump on me, I know it doesn't apply to everyone but there is a big correlation between being attractive and being successful. And another correlation between low income and big families.

My take on this (as a short curvy woman) is that it's a "low status" shape and probably, at a population level, has a correlation with low pay and fewer options.

I thought along similar lines Webex - (also curvy and before kids well paid ) though my view or cooperate USA may not be accurate but I did think them worse for judging on looks.

I just thought it odd the women's motivation wasn't considered at all.

I think personality differences are massively under-accounted for in many walks of life.

I'm a confident and sociable introvert. I love and prefer time alone but have lots of friends and by no means shy or quiet in company.

MIL is very much an extrovert. If she could have all of her nearest and dearest living on the same street as her and have them all around for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, she literally would.

Once, when her husband and sons were all at the football, I said "oh, I'm looking forward to the peace and solitude at home", she said without a hint of irony, "me and SIL are too, you could come and join us".

Something clicked in my brain when I was thinking about how many kids I wanted. Three children sounded fine to me. But then I realised that I would hate the variables of likely three sets of partners, three sets of grandchildren, three sets of other in laws, three sets of friends...

And I knew that three wasn't for me. I wouldn't be happy with that many "unchosen" people in my life.

I imagine a lot of it with the short, curvy women who have lots of kids in the USA are that they are more than likely Latinas! I am also one, we tend to have big families. If you are more indigenous than Spanish you're more likely to be shorter, possibly wider. Add racism into that and is it no wonder we're lower paid.
As a slightly related note, despite being a size 16, 5 foot nothing woman I had piss easy pregnancies. No sick days, no symptoms. If you breeze through pregnancy it's way easier to decide to have more kids

Yes you are onto something with the opting out of work and adult life. I know two women (middle class and tall incidentally) who had four children each and never went back to work after the first was born.

I have 5 children.
I loved being pregnant, loved having children. Calling it an addiction is mad. If it was an addiction I’d have 20+! I had as many children as I could comfortably house and afford.
I’m a midwife and Ive worked throughout their childhoods, going back when 2nd was 9 months old.
I suppose if you had difficult pregnancies or have little support or lack of finances it may be difficult to understand.

I have a friend who stopped at four because her fourth pregnancy was the first one where she had experienced morning sickness. They were all close together too, but she had au pairs.

It's a rather scathing judgement to call it 'opting out' of 'adult life'.
By definition, it is a choice reserved for adults. And by experience and observation, it is anything but 'opting out'.

I agree - I have just had my 3rd after a big age gap and before having him I would mourn the baby/toddler years, as I feel I am very good as parenting babies and small children and have found the current years (8 and pre-teen) very challenging and not that enjoyable to be honest. We definitely won’t have any more but every milestone my tiny baby hits is tinged with sadness I won’t get to do it again. If you enjoy babies it’s really “addictive” - all the bonding hormones etc etc. But some people can’t stand the baby stage, we’re all different!

I know someone from school who has six children, all about 2/3 years apart so whenever the youngest begins to get a bit bigger she gets pregnant! How she does it I will never know, she seems to be a fantastic Mum.

Wrt certain ethnic groups tending to have larger families in the US - don't forget the impact of having extended family nearby to take care of children when parents are working. There isn't the 'living on benefits' option in the US in most cases, and there are no funded nursery/daycare hours, so if you want to have a larger family, you need to be careful about affordability and the sort of family support you will get (which makes it affordable but also allows you to have a little mental health break from time to time).

For many university educated women, paying off university loans, a mortgage, and /or professional school or grad school loans, with university costs looming too, means you have to factor in finances and the necessity of earning an income. Many middle class, university educated parents don't have the sort of family support nearby that would allow them to relax about childcare costs or the physical strain of a larger family. It isn't always feasible to up sticks and move back to the area where your parents live to tap into that kid of support.

I only have 5 so don’t fit the super large family stereotypes above. I only know a few larger families but they seem utterly unremarkable to me. There mums don’t seem particularly down trodden or to have low self esteem (actually rather the opposite, very very confident). It was a definite choice for us and for all the larger families I know.

Absolutely agree with your observations, @Zzizzisnotzeproblem

A larger family (by UK standards anyway) is actually a marker of very secure middle classness where I live.

This is really interesting reading for me as I'm one of 5 myself and that experience of childhood probably had an influence on my own choice not to have children.

I'm the second oldest and it often felt like there were two different families - my sister and I and then the younger ones. We didn't really have much in common with them because there's a 6 year age gap between me and the next child and 8 years between my sister and that child. The third child was a boy, our brother, think that might have made a difference. Then there was another boy and a youngest girl.

My abiding memory of my childhood after the youngest ones were born js noise and chaos. Our mother had more children because my father had asked her to go back to work when I started school as they struggled for money. She didn't want to, so got pregnant instead. Then again and again until she was, in her eyes, too old to work - she would have been around 40 at that point.

She didn't like children much. There were no hugs or attention after the age of about 7. She only liked her children when we were too young to answer back.

And we lived in such poverty. We had nothing. No holidays or days out and always clothes from the jumble sales that always smelled of someone else's sweat. Food was carb heavy and mostly something with chips as they had no money for anything more interesting.

I hated it. I hated that we were bullied for being poor and despite what crap,people say about how children don't need much so don't worry about being able to afford more than the basics....well that's true, but those children have a shit childhood.

@daliesque I'm sorry to hear of your experience. I know someone who was one of ten and he had a rough time too. He was one of the older ones so expected to pitch in a lot with looking after the younger ones. Tea was pasta every single night. As an adult now he absolutely hates pasta!

It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

This is well put and sums up how I felt. Especially in the first 12 months - I felt like I had left 'normal life' behind (think my lack of sleep definitely contributed to the detached feeling). I did wonder if for mums who have several children over a number of years, that baby/toddler life just becomes normal life. I guess it does. For me, I enjoyed doing it with one child as there was a novelty factor. No desire to keep going to toddler groups/park visits/soft play for years to come so one child is perfect for me. I only know one family of 5 kids (all 14 and under) - they are very wealthy. Otherwise 3 is the max and the vast majority only have 1 or 2.

My mother always maintained that babies were lovely, cuddly and they stayed where you put them.

Strangely, she never mentioned to anybody outside the household of five children that she disliked small children with minds of their own, intensely disliked preteens because they couldn't always be terrified into silence about abuse and actively despised anyone over the age of 11 - or two and a half if they committed the offences of being a) neurodiverse, b) not male or c) both a+b.

@bakewellbride we're the same with chips, especially from the chippie as that was dads payday treat for us all every Friday.

Other nights mother would fry them.

Neither my sister nor I, and probably the younger ones, don't eat them anymore.

@NeverDropYourMooncup sounds like mine too. Except we were all NT and she went off us by the time we started junior school

A very large family (I'd say bigger than four) is the marker either of significant affluence or poverty. You have to be wealthy enough that money is no object or on benefits (although that's harder than it was). Unless you're obscenely wealthy it does also mean one parent can't work for at least 20 years. It's definitely out of reach for a lot of people.

What you're talking about isn't "secure middle class" its upper class.

I hated that we were bullied for being poor and despite what crap,people say about how children don't need much so don't worry about being able to afford more than the basics....well that's true, but those children have a shit childhood.

I find this rhetoric really irritating too. It's technically correct that children don't "need" days out/new clothes/occasional treats and other things and of course if the family can't afford them they can't afford them.

But the idea that having a "big/close/chaotic" family (as they're invariably described) compensates for living on the absolute breadline with multiple kids sharing rooms, no days out, no holidays, no decent food is delusional

Of course when circumstances force people into this they have to deal with it. But its not something anyone should be actively planning for.

I can see how it can become addicting. I have 3 and won’t be having any more and I do feel sad about it. I loved pregnancy despite how ill I was, having special treatment at work and at home. I also loved giving birth and then how amazing it is having a newborn. I enjoyed watching how excited my whole family got when we welcomed a new baby. I also adore having children- they are hilarious! Oh and the added bonus of being able to work part time because they are young and it’s not worth paying for childcare, I pretend it’s a shame I can’t work full time but I’m secretly pleased!

I am one of those people who thrives on busy. I hate sitting around and always need something to do so tend to fill my life with responsibilities more than a normal person would. Maybe that’s it.