To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

It does blow your mind having a baby. I used to travel internationally with work and would whizz off to the far east with a few hours notice. After having my first a trip to the local supermarket seemed like a worrisome massive ordeal. Your world shrinks so much in some ways it’s lovely but agree it’s healthier if it’s a life stage not a way of life. Otherwise you end up like those students that can’t leave university and end up working there.

Being brought up by abusive parents, negligent parents or in abject poverty will impact you regardless of how many children are in your family. It’s not the number of children driving that, though I’m sure it could make things worse.

Funnily enough @TheaBrandt ibwas thinking of ‘eternal students’ when writing my OP.

Not that anything about having kids is like being a student. But there is parallels in terms of it being a ‘lifestyle’ and not ‘life stage’.

My good friend from uni is still in university now, well over a decade from graduating the first time. She’s just began another degree this September. All the subjects are different so it’s not subject progression.

She’s been able to work part time the entire time around her endless degrees.

I’m not judging as her life seems nice enough, she gets good grades and she seems relatively happy. But I do wonder what will happen if her parents ever say enough is enough and stop funding her fees.

But it does have the parallel of ‘opting out’ but in a different way. No pressure to buy a house, achieve financial independence or maintain a career. A different kind of ‘opt out’ but avoiding the crapness of your everyday adulting nonetheless. Can’t say I blame her.

I loved the uni lifestyle just like I love mother of little ones lifestyle. But it’s definitely a stage more so than a long term lifestyle. But I definitely get the allure.

So the only way of being an adult is to follow your path through life?

Yes agree it’s similar, it’s getting “stuck” in a life stage that should be transient. See also the gap year extenders. They panic when they realise they are 28 and still working in a beach bar in Bali with £50 in the bank and their peers are all qualified solicitors and teachers with mortgages.

This must be why I don’t want a big family! I hated the uni and maternity leave ‘lifestyle’. Would much rather be at work or spending time with an older toddler/preschool child who can talk, use the toilet and enjoy a day out.
Some of the attention you get as a pregnant and postpartum woman is nice (and some is stifling) but it doesn’t even touch 1% of the misery of sleep deprivation 🤣

I’m a mum of 5 . Kids now late 20s early 30s. I love being a mum and would have had more of not for my health .I enjoy them just as much now as I did when they were little . We live in a small community and I love it when people say oh are you so and so mum . My children don’t seem to feel the same though as we have 1 grandchild and no signs of anymore . So now I’m looking after dgc

Agree with this.

And if you didn’t have much in your life before / find work daunting / have low self esteem it’s a great way to avoid a lot of adult life while also getting a certain status and validation.

and it’s self fulfilling- the more kids you have the harder it is to get back to work.

i also think it’s intrinsically fulfilling. Like other posters I would have had more than two if time and resources had allowed.

we didn’t as we felt we couldn’t meet more kids long term needs well.

I agree some that have big families seem selfish - doing it because they like it when it’s clear to an outsider they’re not going to be able to parent all the kids well or meet their needs

Some mums may be but don't judge all. We adore our kids ranging from 2-13 and support financiallly,emotionally etc etc. I would never have had them if I didn't have a super hubby and was able to take care of all needs. I adore our big family and would never judge anyone who has similar or none.

Unless you have huge gaps you really aren’t stuck in the baby stage necessarily and even if there’s ten years between top and bottom you are still parenting the older ones like anyone else. Like a pp I like my children at all the stages which is normal I think?

You don’t think women are ‘built for careers in a high stress workplace’?!

what are we built for then? Cooking and cleaning and popping out babies?

bit insulting isn’t it. I guess the women doctors, lawyers, engineers, police officers, hedge fund managers etc are barely coping in their jobs and miserable.

For my DSIS it's a get out of work free card. She hates her job but won't put any effort into getting another, plus her partner won't marry her and she won't let it go. She'll skip work for any reason she can think of, always has. I’m not sure how she's still got the job.
She's on baby number 3 now. Her partner is up at 5am every day, working two jobs. He was happy with the first child but didn’t want any more. Thought she was on contraception, then baby number two. Back to work after maternity leave, "contraception fail" again, now on early maternity leave with baby number 3 due in a month. She struggles with the two she has. His mother takes care of them a huge amount of the time. I wish he'd get the snip. Give it a year and baby number 4 will be coming along. Funny thing is, she hates being pregnant.
The mind boggles.

Upon reflection I would like to have married and had kids younger because I would’ve been able to have more. My experience of “pursuing a career”, something heavily pushed at school in the 90s, is that it was hugely overrated and stressful and often comes at a cost. I do wonder whether women in general are built for “careers” in a high-stress workplace? Finding a husband after 30 wasn’t easy either. I wonder if future generations of women will do things differently?

It's weird to decide women just aren't cut out for careers because you didn't like it. I had PND after I had my son that was so bad I had suicidal ideation and my husband couldn't work for 6 weeks as I couldn't be left alone with the baby. I'd have to be pretty stupid to take from that that women are not built for looking after babies.

I have 5. I always wanted 4 because growing up I knew lots of families who had 4 children and they always seemed to have lots of fun together. Also 4 is a good number for make believe games. Dc5 was a contraception failure while dh was on the waiting list to have the snip.

It's weird to decide women just aren't cut out for careers because you didn't like it. no weirder really than deciding large families are bad because you prioritise your career. The joy of living now is that many people just choose what they want to do. It’s a strangely sexist discussion. My husband also has a large number of children, he also wasn’t “addicted” to it. Not even discussed though is it? It’s 2023 not 1950.

no weirder really than deciding large families are bad because you prioritise your career

I make exactly that point in the post you are quoting from - weird to extrapolate from oneself not liking something that women as a whole are not cut out for it.

Yes @Webex I understood that.

First reply. I have 5, no religion, friend has 9. I know quite a few more with 5, or with 11 as a friend of a friend. All made a clear choice.

I think we just start to socialise with each other as it’s easier!

Also as a mum of 5, yes I have a job. Part time professional now but full time until 35 in a professional job.

I just wanted to. We are happy. Middling income but make it work

As a rule, most women will want children and unlike men we have a limited window in which to do this. So aggressively pursuing a career may not be in our best interests in the long term because we release our best eggs first so we may be better off having kids young.
Men and women are not the same - our bodies react differently to stress for one thing. I question whether a stressful career is really beneficial for a female.
I had PND as well 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not convinced we are built for it, no. A man can do all of those jobs but the one thing that solely a woman can do, you denigrate “popping out babies”

Modern feminism is actually a misogynistic movement and is anti-family.

I’m proud to be a wife and mother. Looking after your family is a far more noble endeavour than any career. If you would rather serve your boss that’s up to you.

It’s a strangely sexist discussion. My husband also has a large number of children, he also wasn’t “addicted” to it. Not even discussed though is it? It’s 2023 not 1950.

Hear hear!

What you're talking about isn't "secure middle class" its upper class.

I'm in the US so class boundaries are probably not the same as those in the UK. Middle class here is a huge category. 'Secure middle class' means a high income that is pretty much guaranteed for several decades, and there are a lot of secure middle class people in the are where I live.

Definitely. I got very into the idea of a third and would have done it if I hadn't become unexpectedly ill when our second was about a year old and we intended to try again. By the time I was better about 18m later there was no urge and I realised that I'd only wanted a third because of the bubble my life had been. Once the bubble burst- even though it was burst by a crap thing and being in and out of hospital- I just wasn't interested anymore.

@YokoOnosBigHat but how does that explain larger age gaps?