To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

Have you had counselling for that?

I may get shot down for this but I think for some women there's an element of self-infantilization about it tbh. Having babies is a way to avoid having to be a grown-up.

I think if you've started having kids very young and had loads (four plus) you will a) have spent most if not all of your adult life having, nursing or raising children and b) will almost certainly not be financially independent or capable of being financially independent. So coming to the end of that cycle of being pregnant, giving birth and having tiny kids to look after might seem an unwelcome and bleak wake-up call.

Suddenly there's no longer a justification for having your entire world limited by the boundaries of your home and a few baby groups/school. You have to encounter adults again and interact with them about things which are a bit more external than how much formula you have in the house. You might have to think about earning stuff. It must seem quite scary.

I'm always a bit dubious of people who say they are "desperate" to have a fourth/fifth/sixth baby and can't stop thinking about it. People will say it's a "biological drive" but I think a lot of the time its more a fear of actually having to be a proper adult.

This is one of the many reasons I'm not a huge fan of people having kids when they are very young. I think hard-wiring the idea that you're basically a baby machine as soon as you get to adulthood shores up problems for later life.

Yes but being honest I accessed therapy far far too late and had developed severe ptsd so counselling hasn’t been very successful. Just hoping at some point nature decides when I don’t have any more

This is probably too personal so don't answer if you don't want to but does that mean you don't use contraception? Wouldn't it be easier to fight the urge by using it as it doesn't sound like you want anymore to me?

I am one of seven. I like it in some ways and others I don't.

Mine are 8 and 11 now and have really come into their own with interesting hobbies that they're good at. It takes up a lot of my time too but I will really miss this part of parenting when I'm older but won't have more as it's also expensive! Can see why some do though. I wouldn't have wanted eternal early years though!

This was the case in my family. It’s definitely a thing.

If she worked for children's services and social work then the mothers and families she was working with had some concern.

No I don’t use contraception. I’m tired. If I have another I’d be happy but if nature decides I’m too old then I’m fine with that too. In a lot of ways too having such a big family keeps me going stops me having time to think which is a good thing and gives me purpose and focus and then when I’m at work (as I struggle horrendously with anything social) I feel like I always have my dc to talk about so it actually helps me in that way too

Why so?
The poster here with 7 children has just illustrated that very phenomenon.

I can understand that. 🥰

@foxblue I absolutely identify with that - especially the part about having something to talk about with others

I’m not sure I’d describe it as an “addition”.
I do think some people enjoy or see value in the role of being a parent and choose to continue that role, I also think there are probably complex other reasons (cultural, religious, emotional) that people have high numbers of children.

It’s interesting you question why people have 4/5+. Why not questions why people have any or more than 1? Surely similar arguments could be used again having 2/3 kids too. Why have 3 when you could just have stopped at 1?

I can absolutely see why that baby stage is so appealing - I was unprepared for the level of attention and approval you get, and the year of maternity leave was a revelation. Having worked solidly for 15 years (to no particular acclaim) it was odd to get so much affirmation for strolling around Sainsbury's and then going to the park. If I had a low paid and unrewarding job, I wouldn't have hurried back.

I have 4 children, and I have to say I loved the pregnancy and baby stage.

My youngest is 5 and life is moving on from all that now. Life is still exciting and full. I absolutely loved being pregnant and having babies though, and if I was a multi millionaire I would go and have another 4.

I sort of get it - I have three and I can parent to the age of my eldest with my eyes shut. I can’t bear the sleeplessness but other than that I like young children and I loved the camaraderie of mat leave. I’m too keen to get on with my career/have my own body back but if I didn’t then I can see how I’d consider another.

I find the pregnancy stage awful as get HG, the baby stage is ok, the bit I find ‘addictive’ is as they get older and develop and grow and now I have 2 through to adulthood the sense of accomplishment and how the relationship develops and changes so I almost find the later stages of parenting the more addictive part ?

My Dr did tell me though my HG may be in my mind and was probably my ASD causing sensory issues with regular morning sickness so that I was feeling worse but they diagnosed HG as I was dehydrated and lost weight (so not sure if it really was HG?) but he thought it was more my perception and sensory issues

I think you're spot on. Friends with larger families seem to take comfort from the chaos and theres a strong vibe of there's so much going on, if everyone is fed at the end of the day that's good enough. A kind of everything else is optional and I can opt out, be a bit flakey, be deserving of a large glass of wine at the end of the day etc. I'm genuinely not criticizing, but those are standard commonalities in those families and they definitely love love love the baby stage and dealing with little ones. It will be interesting to see if it carries on when they are teens etc!

I could see getting addicted to having a newborn - when I was pregnant I felt so special, at first it was having a secret that only DH and I knew about, then having everyone treat you well for it, getting excited about the birth, then the falling in love and newborn snuggles. But then comes all the rest of the hard work.

I was unprepared for the level of attention and approval you get, and the year of maternity leave was a revelation

This resonates for me - I also found being visibly pregnant meant people were far nice to me than they every had been before. Just random people out and about were kinder and more friendly.

I have 5 children, had 3 then got pregnant accidently and last pregnancy was twins

Sorry, I didn't mention it, they live in Ireland so Child Benefit for each child I think and the majority of the rent paid through assistance. There is also a fuel allowance towards heating but yes, I believe he must have an unofficial job to afford the life they have, they've a people carrier plus a van for days out but at least this means my friend gets to go with them, she went on the recent holiday and seemed to enjoy it. I know it shouldn't bug me but my dh and I couldn't afford a holiday despite him working (I'm retired because of ill health but have a relatively decent pension) due to mortgage increases, c.o.l. etc and yet they spent a few days in Disney and then on to the Alps to stay in a ski village (out of season I know but it looked lovely). The husband/father told me it was an educational tour not a holiday (previously they spent six months in a motor home touring Europe but only had four children then). I wonder will things change much for them as the children all become adults? I'd be concerned mainly for their mother, she has done nothing outside of the family since her late teens, she's quiet and shy and I think has a tendency to hide behind being a mother. I have one adult dc, would have loved to have another but couldn't, I do feel my dc misses out by not having a sibling but more so as an adult than as a child. I've a brother and while we might not see each other often due to distance we both know that we'd drop everything to help each other.

It was number 3 that done me in(not planned conceived a few days after my period)Blew up like a balloon, pretty much lost all the enamel off my teeth now and the back and pelvic ache that started in early pregnancy has continued since. youngest us 1 1/2. I love my kids and kids in general but i also love my days at work. Been cooped up with young kids 24/7 is very mentally draining. I take my hat off to people with bigger families. I certainly couldn't do it. I know 1 woman who has 5 and still wouldn’t say no to another

@herewegoroundthebastardbush you’ve put into words perfectly how I felt/feel about having children - the love I felt was overwhelming. I stopped at 2 but could easily have had a 3rd if circumstances had been right - as it happened my spouse left when they were 7 and 4, a big part of this I think was feeling excluded as I felt so “complete” finally having my babies to love and care for.

I completely get what you're saying and agree, but for me it's the opposite. I find parenthood more difficult than work and although I love my children dearly I am more interested in having my family (as in, the family unit) than the baby/early years. I'd struggle to do it again from the beginning.