To think having babies/parenting young kids can become an ‘addiction’

[Sugarcoatedcandycane]

I go to a lot of toddler groups on my days off and have met all types of families.

One family size that really intrigues me especially since becoming a mother is larger families (5+). Although rarer I have met a few mums who have 7+ children. I myself am 1 of 5 and my DP is 1 of 6!

Before having dc I would be very confused (judgy perhaps?) as to why on earth anyone needs/wants 5+ kids outside of religious reasons. Then being pregnant I was even more surprised women would choose to go through it so many times when it takes such a toll on our bodies.

However since having my DC and making mum friends I think I understand it, but maybe not?

Is it sort of an ‘addiction’ to the lifestyle?

Having a child, especially the baby/toddler years is so all encompassing that your identity can quite easily become being a ‘mum’ to young ones (or dad). Generally speaking of course, friendships become ‘mum friends’, weekdays become toddler groups, lunches and coffee mornings. Weekends and holidays are based around children activities. Conversations become child/pregnancy focused. It can easily become a ‘way of life’ rather than just a life stage.

I’ve observed you can also ‘opt out’ of other parts of life by being a parent to young dc. As in, not attend social things for childcare reasons. Not have a career, work full time or sometimes even at all very justifiably. You can really hide/escape a lot of things by having dependents and if you struggled with life before dc that you no longer have to deal with by having them, that must also keep the allure going to have more?

I have surprised myself by how much I love being a parent and am pregnant with my second dc. However after this there will be no more. Financially, mentally and practically it wouldn’t be ideal to have anymore. However if money and health wasn’t an obstacle then I can imagine how easy it would be to continue going.

My mum went through a depression when we all started leaving the home despite her saying she couldn’t wait for no more school runs and freedom etc. She now says being a mum was her ‘calling’ and her happiest years and would have had more of given the opportunity.
My MIL also said she would have had more kids if it wasn’t for FIL getting the snip. She already had 6 and wasn’t wealthy at all!

I can’t see people having so many kids because they are addicted to ‘babies’ because they don’t stay babies for long at all. So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

All the large families I’ve met are different in regards to class, jobs, money etc. so I don’t think it’s related to that in regards to why some are drawn to having more and more.

Anyone shed any lights or thoughts as to other reasons?

If you do have a big family, what are your reasons (especially if your a mum)

So many interesting replies. Thank you for indulging my curiosity!

To the PP asking why I think it’s ‘opt out’ (forgot your username). What I mean by that is exactly what @Persiana said in her post.

You can ’opt out’ of the working world very justifiably. You can ‘opt out’ of adult social occasions and/or cancel last minute citing childcare/sickness etc. You can ‘opt out’ of hobbies, friendships, dating (if you’re single) and to an extent financial independence. You can just throw yourself into the world babies and small kids very justifiably at the expense of everything else.

When me and my siblings grew up and left home my mum had a deep depression. She actually realised she couldn’t hold down a job. Despite having degree and being highly intelligent she struggled massively with it. She never realised this because she would always leave jobs for ‘childcare’ reasons not realising that childcare was masking the issue. She also struggles to make and maintain friendships. Again she was so busy with us kids that she didn’t think she had time/energy for friends outside kids groups/activities.

Basically when we left she realised that having kids every 5/7 years was masking a wide variety of issues. She had no excuses anymore to leave a job so had to face up to the fact she had work anxiety. She had no excuses to not make/see friends so had to face up to the fact she struggles with adult relationships. She couldn’t ‘opt out’ anymore.

She’s come out the other side now and has made a life for herself but she still says she would go back if she could!

I do wonder if there is this similar element on other larger families or if that’s just her own very individual case.

Interesting!

I have found it nice to have general friendliness from strangers like you describe, but have found some of the squickier, gooier reactions from family have frankly got on my tits.

I'm sarky, academic and cynical. So when MIL hears about me tidying my house, tilts her head to one side, beams and says to me and my sister in law, "Awwww, you know what that means? She's nesting." Followed by cooing from them both... ugh.

1. my house was a shit tip, you didn't need a nesting instinct to see that.
2. who is she, the cat's mother?
3. have you both entirely forgotten who I am, or do you think that just because I'm gestating I've had a personality transplant?

To me the attention is quite oppressive and oddly disrespectful. But I can see how other, more normal people might thrive on it.

I know a mum who has 8 children. Kids are aged between 3 and 18. For mum it really is a way of life as she started at 18. Tbh I'm surprised she's not pregnant again as youngest is 3. I do wonder what she will do as they all fly the nest. Mind you, prob be grandkids by then though.

I know a lady who was definitely addicted to the baby years. She has 7 kids and doted on them as babies/preschoolers. Now her youngest two are 12 and 13 she seems to show very little interest in them (separated from dad and kids live with him) so I conclude she just liked babies and kept wanted a new one.

Following with interest as I'm about to have my third child and I'm now wondering if I'm one of the women you're talking about! I do sometimes ask myself whether my decision to have another baby (when it means going back to the baby days even though two older DDs will be at school which many think is insane) is partly because I don't want to leave my identity as a mother of young children behind. Or don't know how to.
I do have a pretty successful career (although I only work part time while they're at school/ nursery on some days of the week) so it's not a displacement activity for me. But I do really value the social contact and camaraderie of having babies/ toddlers/ pre-schoolers. There is something quite comforting and addictive about the sugary dullness of it all, the shared humour, the freedom to shape your days as you please. I do also think there's something in the relief of being able to 'opt out' of the parts of your old life you secretly found stressful/ difficult. I definitely think you're onto something!

Most of my friends stopped at one or two and when I speak to them, they all hated being stuck at home and their brains taken over by child stuff. They all love their kids but couldn't wait to get out to work again and have a bit more of a personal life, adult conversations and career growth. I expect that mothers of large families indeed have an entirely different wiring.

@Sugarcoatedcandycane

I think you've nailed it. It's basically a get-out-of-jail-free card to opt out of being an adult. Not having to face any real adult responsibilities.

Trouble is there's only so long you can put that off. Menopause will knock that on the head.

I suppose historically many if not most women died before getting to menopause so it didn't really matter. Nowadays if you've spent the first 20 years of your adult life popping out kids the latter part of your life is going to hit you like a runaway train. Not a sensible idea at all.

I think you might just as well ponder if someone who only has a few children or none and spends all their focus on work, using it as the reason not to see people or do much is addicted to work. Why having over 5 children suddenly means you’re opting out of life is beyond me. It says rather more about your own attitudes to women/parenting than provides any clarity or insight into why people choose the paths they do.

OP this is an interesting essay on what you're talking about. Some of it a bit specifically American but a couple of points made me cringe with recognition about my own choice to have another baby! I think the psychology of these sorts of choices is fascinating, as is the way these choice shape the way we see ourselves and other women (as illustrated by this thread!)
Why Having a Third Baby Felt Like the Safe Choice - The New York Times (nytimes.com)

No, what I mean is that if she based her findings on what she found through her work, she would not have come across the families with many children who were not known to social services.

Or maybe I have misunderstood what you're saying.

@Webex i relate to this too!!

People who work in my building I’ve never spoken too suddenly started making conversations with me about my pregnancy/baby.

Mums on my work team started to take a big interest in me and my pregnancy when we hadn’t spoken much before. A bit like id joined a ‘club’.

Im very visibly pregnant now and older women strike up conversations all the time in shops and waiting rooms about the pregnancy. People open doors and offer seats etc.

Also my wider family are always checking in on me to see how pregnancy is going and if I need anything.

My DP who is always lovely, is even more attentive and I haven’t had to do hardly anything around the house as he really wants to wrap me up in cotton wool.

Then when I had my last baby, you have all the fuss over your newborn and everyone wanting to pop over and meet them.

I can certainly see how, if you don’t get much attention and care normally, pregnancy can become addictive as a way to feeling special and cared about.

I have five DCs, all of them adults now. Most of the families I know have at least two, with the average probably somewhere between 3 and 4. I know several families who also have five DCs. All of the people I'm friends with are university educated/ professionally educated. I have a masters.

I live in the US in an affluent area. However the depiction of coffee mornings, etc, is not one I recognise. The majority of people I know who are the stay at home parents of larger families work at least part time and always did. Those who did not have some kind of paid work were always the people running various fund raising efforts, mainly associated with school or clubs or community organisations. Some coached junior sports, or chaired various organisations. They were the room parents and the members of the PTO. They were and are the people who make the community I live in a great place to live.

I say 'people' because it also happens to be a community where many dads do the sahd thing.

The decision to have children is based on many factors - affordability and societal acceptance of the choices are the main ones, in my observation. I would say from observing the experiences of friends and family members in the UK that smaller families are expected - and certainly this thread gives the impression that having a larger one is considered a strange and perplexing path to take. In my neck of the woods, a larger family isn't considered extraordinary.

In other words, I don't think either choice is made in a vacuum. We tend to choose what the society around us considers acceptsble. It's only fairly recently that choosing not to 'settle down' and have children is an option for women, and it is still challenged, and being a sahd is still an option that most men don't consider.

Interesting thread. I know that a SAHM friend of mine who had several children is utterly lost now that all kids are at secondary school and not home until 4pm. Her whole identity was being “needed” and being at home with them and then being very involved in their primary school. I can see why maybe some women would continue to just keeping having more, until their age or another factor stops them.

Also, not quite the same thing but I remember years ago, I joined a breastfeeding support group with my baby. I only dipped my toe in and out but always kept an eye on it on social media and was amazed that so many of them seemed to continue having babies for quite a few years. They would blog about hypno birthing and breastfeeding and baby led weaning and baby wearing. It seemed that they’d finally found their passion, something that they were good at, somewhere they made friends. Again I can see why they would feel the urge to have another as their kids became older. ~~wonders how they’re getting on parenting all those teens~~

I disagree about having a family to “opt out of being an adult”. Surely as a parent, you have far more responsibilities than adults who don’t?

I agree with you. A relative of ,mine keeps having more children to unsuitable men (the father of the latest doesn't even know the child exists) despite being on benefits and being unable to cope with them. Her middle child is disabled too. My Dad thinks it's because she doesn't know what else to do with herself.

I have a friend who has 6 kids. The last one was unplanned but she told me one of the reasons she's had so many was so she wouldn't have to face the world and could stay at home with them (she was abused as a child). She's a great mother TBF and her partner has a decent job so they aren't on benefits.

Another person I know had 2 kids very young, has literally never had a job then had 2 more in her late 30s (got pregnant with her 4th when her 3rd was 3 months old). She can't cope with them, clearly hates her life and constantly complains.

I've really struggled with my DD but I still get broody. I know even if I had another though the urge wouldn't go away because it's just biology. Sorry but I think some people need to start using their brain and not their ovaries.

I do agree about the opting out of things and enjoying the lifestyle (not sure if that's why people have more than 2 children though?!) All I know is that iv loved being a mum and not having to worry about anything else than spending time with my baby it's been lovely. Iv also enjoyed having the excuse of not doing things because I have a child now! I like that I can be social on my own terms and noone gets funny because they know having a baby means I can't do everything. I think anyone who says they don't milk being a parent for reasons like that and not having to work are lying to themselves 😆 but after 10 months iv gone back to Uni full time and I'm enjoying having the balance back! I'm not even sure if I'll have another child yet so as much as iv loved my time in my mum bubble, that might be it for me in terms of the baby years!

@Leopardpj i can’t see the article as it’s behind a pay wall unfortunately! Looks interesting though.

I’m amazed that so many people need a baby to opt out of social situations. Would it be so dreadful just to be honest? I can honestly say that that has NEVER influenced how many children I chose to have.

It stops people trying to persuade you that you'll enjoy it if you just come along if they think you have no childcare.

My youngest is starting school next year and it does feel like the end of an era. A bit like when you leave school or university and you know everything is changing. I can see why some people don't want it to end.

The women I know with 5 plus (and it’s only a few) all have traumatic backgrounds and are a bit needy. They’ve had kids for themselves and not so they can nurture them….

So I can only conclude it’s the lifestyle of child rearing?

I think some people just enjoy it more. It was hard work but I enjoyed it mostly and I think my Dmum who spaced it out more was same.

I did know a none religious family of 8 - same parents to all - had two young early 20s - then decade later had another two - decade later early 40s had accidental pg then fitted in 4 more before they were too old. Both worked - though Mum p/t and seemed close to all the kids who seemed to get on.

Only others I can think of with 5 or more it was trying for a fourth and getting twins and blended families.

I wish we could have afforded to have more - but we've liked them from babies to teens - but having kids in our society is not the cheap option and we faced fair bit of hostility to having a third because we'd manage to have boy + girl first two times even though we'd wanted 3 of any sex from outset.

I know three women with 5+ children.
One is definitely religious reasons

The other two are very chaotic, and their children have several different fathers.

@Zzizzisnotzeproblem It’s easier to say ‘no childcare’ than it is to have people try and persuade you or get annoyed.
It also saves money sometimes! I’ve not felt obliged to go to any abroad hen dos or long weekends. I don’t want to leave my 1 year old and people understand. If I didn’t have a baby and wasn’t pregnant I probably would begrudgingly go.

I still do do things and see friends without dc. But I'm way more selective now and feel fine in being so. Before dc I went to a lot of things I couldn’t be bothered with because I didn’t see a reason not too I guess?

appreciate that’s just me issue though!

But I am enjoying being able to have a bubble bath and crash out on the sofa by 8pm with no pressures to be anywhere else!

I’m sure it does @CasaAmarela but it’s far less work just to be honest and say you don’t want to do something. I think you wouldn’t be addicted but possibly not very sensible if you honestly thought having a baby was less work.

I didn't personally have a child to get out of social events but I have used her as an excuse - mainly to one particularly pesky person who would never take no for an answer. Most people who know me know I'm pretty antisocial these days and don't take it personally.