Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't behave however you want because of MH issues?

206 replies

insertanswerhere · 29/09/2023 11:21

DH is struggling atm with MH issues. He's usually such a lovely, lively person but at the moment our life stresses are causing him to be irritable, moody...basically hard to be around. He'll get mad at me about anything, raise his voice at me and the kids, make the home environment not a nice place to be. I know it's because he's feeling like he can't cope at the minute so I'm not saying anything and trying to take on as much as I can myself so that he doesn't have to. But does he have the right to be unkind to everyone because he's struggling? Do I just have to put up with it so that I'm being supportive? How can I say, without making things worse, that he can't go on behaving in this way? (He's currently getting help for his issues but it's early days).

OP posts:
LittlePlumTree · 29/09/2023 11:24

I’m wondering about this as a read a post earlier where someone’s ex doesn’t bother with her child and is ignoring her messages but apparently it’s understandable because he has mental health issues. I agree with you I don’t think it’s an excuse for treating people badly.

CharlotteRumpling · 29/09/2023 11:25

Is he getting treatment?

CharlotteRumpling · 29/09/2023 11:26

Sorry, you said he is..Nope he doesn't get to be nasty because of MH issues.

Catza · 29/09/2023 11:29

There is a big difference between choosing to behave this way and actually not being able to self-regulate due to MH condition. I am in a similar situation (although I have advantage of being a trained MH professional) and my usual way to deal with this is deflect the situation while it is happening the best and quickest way I can (which is usually - maintain my cool, remove the trigger or remove myself from the situation) and then have a calm and non-judgmental conversation at a more appropriate time. It did get better for us over time. My partner is now able to control his emotions much better. It's not fail-proof but every small change makes a difference.
Stop being provoked. It is shitty to be on the receiving end of this but it is not personal. When you are able to turn your emotions off and just see it as part of illness, then you can approach this without triggering further outbursts.

WitcheryDivine · 29/09/2023 11:30

I think what you say is “I realise you’re not feeling like yourself at the moment and I don’t know if you realise this but the way you’re behaving is starting to really have an impact on me and the kids. For example X time. Could you look into some techniques to deal differently with things when you get stressed out? Eg breathing techniques, removing yourself for a few minutes, etc.” you could do the research together.

WitcheryDivine · 29/09/2023 11:32

Catza · 29/09/2023 11:29

There is a big difference between choosing to behave this way and actually not being able to self-regulate due to MH condition. I am in a similar situation (although I have advantage of being a trained MH professional) and my usual way to deal with this is deflect the situation while it is happening the best and quickest way I can (which is usually - maintain my cool, remove the trigger or remove myself from the situation) and then have a calm and non-judgmental conversation at a more appropriate time. It did get better for us over time. My partner is now able to control his emotions much better. It's not fail-proof but every small change makes a difference.
Stop being provoked. It is shitty to be on the receiving end of this but it is not personal. When you are able to turn your emotions off and just see it as part of illness, then you can approach this without triggering further outbursts.

This is really good except for “stop being provoked” - it’s not up to the OP to stop minding if she and her kids are being berated. Sure she can realise the context but fundamentally her partner needs to work on how he expresses himself instead.

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 11:34

Unfortunately, a lot of people with mental health issues won't be in control of this behaviour because of their illness.
Not without meds and/or therapy anyway.
Contrary to how it might seem, they don't WANT to be like this. I speak from experience.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2023 11:35

I agree that it's about coping strategies. If you need to record him if he's going to deny it. He gets out of the habit of verbal abuse to you and the children or lives elsewhere while he gets better. If addressing his behaviour is going to escalate things, then that's not MH, that's abuse and he leaves.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2023 11:36

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 11:34

Unfortunately, a lot of people with mental health issues won't be in control of this behaviour because of their illness.
Not without meds and/or therapy anyway.
Contrary to how it might seem, they don't WANT to be like this. I speak from experience.

Then they don't live with children. It isn't ok to cause MH issues in your children and abuse the other parent.

Catza · 29/09/2023 11:46

WitcheryDivine · 29/09/2023 11:32

This is really good except for “stop being provoked” - it’s not up to the OP to stop minding if she and her kids are being berated. Sure she can realise the context but fundamentally her partner needs to work on how he expresses himself instead.

Show quote history

Well maybe it was a wrong phrase to use but I do think there is a level of control from the OP's perspective. The other day my partner got home grumpy and started his usual activity of rearranging a fridge and complaining that things aren't where they are meant to be and nobody in the house has any common sense. Unfortunately, I had a pretty bad day myself and took it personally, got upset and answered back which started a massive argument. Only when things cooled off many hours later, it transpired that he was just blowing off steam by commenting into the universe. Something I would be able to clock on my normal day and ignore, or turn it into a joke thus avoiding the whole incident.
We then could have had a calm discussion later about how comments like that make me feel. But what happened instead is 3 hours of tense atmosphere in the house with no resolution and no lessons learned whatsoever.

bridgetreilly · 29/09/2023 11:48

He doesn’t have the right to be unkind but he may not be able to help it sometimes.

Marblessolveeverything · 29/09/2023 11:49

I was in your place. I brought it up with my ex partner mental health team. There were children involved - they addressed it in their treatment plan.

As advised by them, I called it out each and every time I asked him to leave the room and called out the abusive tone and behaviour. Eventually the behaviour ongoing for ten years with little improvement, and living in hell, he threatened to leave (continued behaviour - with other threats) and I did not allow him to return.

This meant my children and I were not living in what was a horrible, anxiety inducing environment. I am sorry you are in this position. Please try and get support for yourself as it is a very challenging and lonely road.

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 11:52

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2023 11:36

Then they don't live with children. It isn't ok to cause MH issues in your children and abuse the other parent.

Show quote history

Of course it's not 'OK'... just the nature of mental health issues.

So, if your partner was suddenly diagnosed, and displayed these behaviours as a result, you'd just walk out on them, would you?

Nice...

CharlotteRumpling · 29/09/2023 12:00

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 11:52

Of course it's not 'OK'... just the nature of mental health issues.

So, if your partner was suddenly diagnosed, and displayed these behaviours as a result, you'd just walk out on them, would you?

Nice...

Show quote history

Yes, I would walk out if someone were abusive or ask them to leave.

I don't need to be nice.

Marblessolveeverything · 29/09/2023 12:03

@Jumpingthruhoops unfortunately as it is for the person who is ill, I would always recommend removing yourself and your children. IF the abuse is impacting on people without MH issues that is not sustainable and will destroy people.

It is very unfortunate, and I continue to support my ex from a distance but I matter our children matter and I am not going to be responsible for them being emotionally abused.

There is no right answer there is only an answer that reduces the number of people who are impacted.

elliejjtiny · 29/09/2023 12:03

One of my family members does this and gets away with it. This is why only my dh and the gp surgery know about my mental health problems. Because if I started behaving like that, I would want to be called up on my behaviour, not be allowed to get away with it.

Original poster
insertanswerhere · 29/09/2023 12:06

Thanks for all the replies, things to think about. I was trying to not be specific in my main post but I don't feel that he's being abusive to us, just that he can't cope with normal things. For example, he could drop something which to me would be no big deal, nothing broken so pick it up and carry on, but for him it'd be 'FOR GOD'S SAKE!', and he'd be in a huff for a while. Just everyday small things are a huge deal for him and make him so negative. Getting 3yo to put on shoes would be 'JUST PUT YOUR SHOES ON!', which as we all know doesn't help in any way and child isn;t being naughty, just dithering in a normal 3yo way. On a bad day most things I say are met with negativity, so I'll speak to him less so as to not cause any frustrations, then it's 'why aren't you talking to me'? I can't win some days.

OP posts:
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 29/09/2023 12:06

For me my response would depend on how long the issue has been ongoing, if help is being sought and progressed and how severe the impact on me and my children was.

Of course if a loved one behaves in a difficult way for a period of time you try to be understanding and try to support them to recover. However everyone does need to have their boundaries especially when children are concerned. If the behaviour in the home is manageable without too much harm and steps and being taken to find support and hopeful of improvement then great. If the children are really being impacted by his behaviour or it’s worsening or he’s refusing to seek help, then I think it is fine to be clear and to be prepared to draw a line beyond which you can’t continue the way it is.

WitcheryDivine · 29/09/2023 12:07

Fair enough @Catza I get what you mean. Flowers

Goldbar · 29/09/2023 12:12

Abuse does not require intention. You can abuse without intending to. Creating an atmosphere where you're all walking on eggshells the whole time is abuse. The examples you give I would class as emotional abuse if done on a frequent enough basis.

But does he have the right to be unkind to everyone because he's struggling? Do I just have to put up with it so that I'm being supportive?

No. I'd go as far as to say you have a duty not to. Otherwise you are complicit in the emotional abuse of your own children. Also his right to support/happiness does not trump your right to support/happiness.

ValerieDoonican · 29/09/2023 12:13

I really don't understand why people are saying he has no control over how he acts. Is he working? Does he shout at colleagues?

Assuming he is not suffering a cognitive issue or psychosis, he must have insight that would tell him how his behaviour is impacting you and the children, and make him want to not do it again.

It isn't even being supportive anyway just to put up with it. How is it helping him? Its just entrenching unwell / unacceptable behaviours.

If he is so unwell he can't stop being unpleasant, he absolutely needs to remove himself to somehere where it doesn't affect other people.

CharlotteRumpling · 29/09/2023 12:19

Shouting at a 3 yr old is vile. So is huffing.

I wouldn't put up with this. I don't care about MH issues.

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 12:25

ValerieDoonican · 29/09/2023 12:13

I really don't understand why people are saying he has no control over how he acts. Is he working? Does he shout at colleagues?

Assuming he is not suffering a cognitive issue or psychosis, he must have insight that would tell him how his behaviour is impacting you and the children, and make him want to not do it again.

It isn't even being supportive anyway just to put up with it. How is it helping him? Its just entrenching unwell / unacceptable behaviours.

If he is so unwell he can't stop being unpleasant, he absolutely needs to remove himself to somehere where it doesn't affect other people.

I could be wrong but it doesn't sound like you have much experience dealing with mental health issues.

We don't know that he doesn't have those conditions you cite - and mental health services/support are frankly non-existent on the NHS, so I don't expect he'll get a proper diagnosis any time soon.

When I had mental struggles, I had to go private, as the NHS simply wasn't there for me. I appreciate others aren't so lucky.

Blame the system, not the patient.

CharlotteRumpling · 29/09/2023 12:33

Blame adults, not children.

FartSock5000 · 29/09/2023 12:37

I have severe anxiety and depression. The depression occurs every few years and as a result I hide in a bubble. I do not lash out verbally at my love ones. I do not have wild mood swings and make everyone else feel on edge.

His reasoning is bullshit. He's just a dick.

Depression doesn't make you abusive. Being a tadger does!

Don't put up with it.