To think you can't behave however you want because of MH issues?

[insertanswerhere]

DH is struggling atm with MH issues. He's usually such a lovely, lively person but at the moment our life stresses are causing him to be irritable, moody...basically hard to be around. He'll get mad at me about anything, raise his voice at me and the kids, make the home environment not a nice place to be. I know it's because he's feeling like he can't cope at the minute so I'm not saying anything and trying to take on as much as I can myself so that he doesn't have to. But does he have the right to be unkind to everyone because he's struggling? Do I just have to put up with it so that I'm being supportive? How can I say, without making things worse, that he can't go on behaving in this way? (He's currently getting help for his issues but it's early days).

I wouldn’t allow my children to be scared by a parent in their own home.

I have a physical illness and shield my children from some of the overt parts of it.

Adults need to take responsibility for their behaviour, no matter what might be behind it. I can have sympathy for someone with a MH condition and want to be supportive, but I don't have to live with someone who behaves unpleasantly no matter why that might be.

MN is full of posts from people who use anxiety or depression as excuses for things they do and the general feeling is "oh that's OK then", it's not ok to be a dick just because you've got an illness.

I've been so stressed that every little thing has made me snap at people and sometimes during these times of stress the red curtain of rage has descended and I've been a nasty piece of work to my husband and kids, and stomped and broken things and made a fuss.
Thank goodness my husband is made of much calmer stuff than I, because he pulled me up on this behaviour and told me we can't carry on like this, that I need to stop taking my frustration out on everyone else, that I would lose my family if it continued.
I was diagnosed with GAD and depression (I'm also autistic but I didn't know it at the time), but it was the wake up call from my husband that I needed to really put the effort in to break the cycle. If he had left me (which he'd have been quite right to if I hadn't changed) I'd have nothing right now, but as it is we're still together and two of the kids have grown up and left home, and still have a good relationship with me.
No, mental health isn't an excuse for prolonged periods of shitty behaviour, but you can make a HUGE difference just by talking.

Marriage vows don't trump the need to protect children. If they are scared and unsafe I'm protecting them first. That might mean removing them or another adult as a last resort.

I would not give a shit who judged me as cruel for doing so. I would never judge anyone else for taking any action they felt necessary to protect children or their own mental wellbeing. You just end up with more unwell people if you don't break the cycle somewhere.

Even if nerve damage from the broken limb caused you to randomly kick the people nearest to you?

The thing is, at present it’s all about him. I don’t know how long he has been like this but I will say that you are important too.

A friend of mine was married to a man with serious mental health issues. She really tried to make things work (for well over a decade) but in the end split up with him. There was a point where she said that she just wanted a partner who sometimes spoke nicely to her and didn’t blame her for absolutely everything in his life that wasn’t perfect.

I don't think the 'forsaking all others' is intended to mean to make children live in an unsafe environment? In sickness and in health also doesn't mean having to accept all
behaviours it could also mean making extreme steps like leaving or asking them to leave while they seek professional help.

Luckily I am not Christian and didn't take any marriage vows. Asking someone to leave for a bit is fine in my book.

You may have 20+ years of working in mental ill health but I fundamentally disagree with this.
With all your experience, you'll know first hand that one size doesn't fit all.
As an aside, I haven't found the mental health 'professionals' I've dealt with all that supportive. The first hospital I went to discharged me... that's the night I nearly died.
So forgive me for taking what 'mental health professionals' say with a pinch of salt.

So, in your view, having a mental illness is a weakness?

'I have ZERO patience for weakness'

I have ZERO patience for ignorance.

Blimey, this thread really is the gift that keeps on giving... 🤯

That's because you are of sound mind in order to be able to do that.

Are you really not understanding what's being said here?

You're confusing those using MH as an 'excuse' with those suffering from genuine mental health issues. Surely you know that? Or are you saying you think all mental illnesses are an excuse for bad behaviour?

Honestly, the ignorance on this thread is breathtaking.

1000% this! With bells on.

You've probably seen my very short response to this poster. I frankly couldn't come up with any more words.

But you have articulated my thoughts beautifully here.

Now why doesn't that surprise me?

You are not really going to get people to agree with you @Jumpingthruhoops by making personal attacks. Plenty of people on this thread don't. Including those with experience of MH issues.

Anyway the OP hasn't returned, so maybe she is just going to put up with it. Her choice. We all decide what we can put up with.

@Jumpingthruhoops so you don't think a child's need to be and feel safe should be prioritised? they don't matter more... but, in that moment, the adult is the one who's poorly. Obviously. So because the adult is 'poorly' their behaviour should be accepted?

To a degree, yes. As I've already said, if they're actually violent, then that's another matter entirely. That's not the case here.

But, yes, in a healthy relationship, in times of crisis, people work through things together. Not just abandon them. But you do you.

I'm not trying to get people to agree with me - I already know I'm right.🤷🏼‍♀️

Hardly a personal attack, though. You openly admitted you don't care what people think of you!

Yes, I guess we should leave things to OP now. Hopefully they can work through their issues together.

Nonsense, that's clearly not what I said. Having a mental illness and doing nothing about it, and expecting the people around you to bear the brunt of your issues, is weakness. Having ZERO self control and following your impulses like a child is weakness.

Making excuses and refusing to take responsibility for your actions is also weakness.

🙄Ridiculous.

You're making excuses for people, and THAT is weakness.

What I clearly said is that someone who cannot control themselves, who acts on every impulse and is unable to be safely around children needs to not be around children. Seriously, if you're throwing a tantrum and attacking people because of a mental illness, you don't think the right thing to do is get help?

"I have a condition, I can't be expected to behave like an adult, and everyone around me has to indulge me and coddle me" isn't going to help anyone with mental illness.

I've clearly triggered the snowflakes. I'm not surprised, typically those like you don't like to be told you need to be responsible for your behavior. It says a lot about you that you would happily allow someone to terrorize and traumatize children because you don't want to "stigmatize" them. It's all about virtue signaling and fake compassion, with exactly zero concern for the damage done to children. Those children can just suck it up, right? Never mind that typically those struggling with mental illness are in that struggle because of childhood trauma. 🙄 We certainly wouldn't want to expect an adult to make an adult choice, that's not "civilized" in your view.

All across the US, in every major city, we see people strung out on drugs, living in their own filth, and no one is doing anything to help them. Because heaven forbid we actually help them by bringing them to a hospital where they will be weaned off the drugs and given psychiatric care and helped to get their lives back under control. No, fake virtue signalers like you want to leave them to their struggle because we wouldn't want them to have to exercise some self control. What you're advocating for isn't compassion.

No I'm not. Having a mental health problem doesn't excuse poor behaviour. I didn't say anything about it being genuine or not. We all have a responsibility to manage our behaviour, whatever the reason for it.

I agree with others, it entirely depends on what he's doing to recover.

If he's not actively doing things to help himself to recover like engaging with services and taking medication then he's simply being horrid to you and Dd and it could most probably will go on for years.

You have to decide if you and DD want to live like that.

Ahh, if only it was that easy. As the other poster said, you only have to look at the situation on the streets of the US to see how 'easy' it is to access mental health services. Not.

Similarly, mental health support in the UK - and I mean REAL MH support, not just chucking someone a few pills! - is distinctly lacking. Unless you can afford to go private (which I did).

So, respectfully, I think you need to do a bit more research into what mental health support is actually available before suggesting people are weak for not accessing it. You can't access something that doesn't exist!

'Services' aren't readily available. I think the current wait time for talking therapies on the NHS is about three years!

And medication is NOT for everyone, due to the catalogue of side effects - mental and physical - associated with them. These are not drugs I'd suggest people take lightly.

My ex suffered horribly with a diagnosed MH need and all the meds, and was a truly lovely person in their good patches, but the relentless depression and needing to argue me down that absolutely everything was awful and horrible and wrong, and the rages where she'd throw things and kick out panes of glass? Or scream and swear at me? I grew up with a parent with violent tantrums and I found myself shaking and frozen like I used to when my parent lost it, and becoming increasingly depressed myself.

I cared a great deal about my ex. I tried for a long time to support and help them, but I could not expect them to be any different: they didn't have the resources, and they felt terrible so much of the time. But I couldn't live with feeling like that and being treated like that 24/7, and I had a right to a relationship that was happy and fulfilling rather than frightening and abusive. They didn't mean it to be like that for me, but in reality it was. There comes a point where you accept that they don't mean it, they can't help it, and that does not compel you to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy.