Page 4 | To think you can't behave however you want because of MH issues?

insertanswerhere · 2023-09-29T10:21:27+00:00

DH is struggling atm with MH issues. He's usually such a lovely, lively person but at the moment our life stresses are causing him to be irritable, moody...basically hard to be around. He'll get mad at me about anything, raise his voice at me and the kids, make the home environment not a nice place to be. I know it's because he's feeling like he can't cope at the minute so I'm not saying anything and trying to take on as much as I can myself so that he doesn't have to. But does he have the right to be unkind to everyone because he's struggling? Do I just have to put up with it so that I'm being supportive? How can I say, without making things worse, that he can't go on behaving in this way? (He's currently getting help for his issues but it's early days).

FloydPepper · 30/09/2023 09:55

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 30/09/2023 07:44

Yes, because they can often cobble together what little reserves of mental strength they have to muddle on through a working day, knowing that it is temporary and short-lived, all the while becoming more and more stressed, anxious, and depressed at the anguish this causes, before running out of fortitude completely and dumping the inevitable outpouring of emotion at home, the one place where they should feel safe, less stressed, less anxious, and be able to decompress.

It isn't a deliberate choice to come home and be nasty to the family, contrary to what appears to be the commonly held belief.

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Really interesting and thoughtful
posts by @XDownwiththissortofthingX . My partner suffers sometimes and it can be hard to be on the receiving end. These posts have made me think a bit

MichelleScarn · 30/09/2023 09:58

@FloydPepper
It's good that its made you think, as long as you don't think you have to put up with the walking on eggshells and verbal abuse.

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 10:00

Comparisons to a broken leg are not helpful. Broken legs are temporary. MH often goes on for years.

Startingagainandagain · 30/09/2023 10:22

I have a long history of depression (last episode was two weeks ago). I have never randomly lashed out or screamed at anyone...

Yes mental health issues are incredibly hard to deal with and affect every aspect of your life but it does not automatically turn you into an abusive person or give you the right to be mean to people around you.

I have worked with people with mental health issues as well and usually some of the reasons for aggressive behaviour could be things like them using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate or when their mental health condition was not diagnosed yet or was diagnosed incorrectly so they did not have the right medication in place which then in turn affected their behaviour. Medications will always take at least a couple of weeks or more to start having an effect.

I would have a serious chat with your husband and state that you expect him to immediately seek help for what is happening to him (the aggression, not just the depression) and have a plan in place to address his behaviour. Make it clear you will not tolerate anymore of his outburst towards your kids or yourself and that he will have to move out if he can't control himself.

The OP's first responsibility is to her children. It is incredibly damaging for kids to be subjected to this type of aggression and feel they are no safe in their home environment. Kids' welfare should always be the priority because they can't advocate for themselves.

Her husband is a grown adult and has the responsibility for trying to get better and minimise the negative effect on his family.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 12:38

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 07:42

Yes. I would turn my back on anyone who yelled at a 3 year old for doing 3 yr old things. It's the child who needs me most. Not an adult who can find coping strategies. I am not going to run around trying to sweet talk an adult.

I have had episodes of poor MH myself. I retreated to my room. Not taken it out on others.

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Respectfully, 'episodes of poor mental health' are a world away from suffering debilitating mental illness.

Really hope it's something you never have to experience personally. And, if you do, I hope others are way more sympathetic.

I'm still stunned that people actually think like you.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 12:40

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 30/09/2023 06:52

It's a bit odd that people are "allowed" to have common mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, yet they simultaneously are not "allowed" to display common symptoms of those conditions, such as irritability, impatience, lack of perspective, anger, frustration, inability to empathise, emotional instability, etc, etc, and if they have the temerity to exhibit any of these, they are an "excuse".

It's mind-boggling the degree of ignorance that still persists around perfectly common mental illnesses.

Nobody would dare tell someone with a broken hip they are using it as an "excuse" for being unable to walk, yet someone in the grip of a depression or suffering through a period of extreme anxiety is supposed to just carry on as usual and display none of the common symptoms, or else they're a nasty, abusive bastard.

I despair.

100% this!

DeeCeeCherry · 30/09/2023 12:42

I'd like to know if he is employed. & if so, whether he shouts at work colleagues. Also whether he shouts at his friends. It's a simple yes or no answer that will determine the truth of things.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 12:43

SueDonnym · 30/09/2023 06:59

...... and the effect it has on children?? Really to expect children to understand DF is angry , shouting, upset, crying and not to be affected by it leaves me in despair.

Eh? The effect is awful, obviously. But the person is poorly, so it can't be helped at that very moment.

Do you honestly think someone in the grip of mental anguish WANTS to be like this?

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 12:53

What people want is immaterial. What people DO to their DC is more important to me. And how much responsibility they take for managing their disease.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 12:58

Hibiscrubbed · 30/09/2023 07:55

What are you suggesting here @Jumpingthruhoops? I’d ask an abusive partner to leave, too. I’d put my children first and protect them from an abusive environment, whatever the cause might be.

It sounds like you’re suggesting the OP and her children put up and shut up over the way he is abusing them, because it’s ’not His fault’.

Do you really think that’s what she should do?

Not at all... but then life isn't that black and white.

Firstly, I think it's helpful to try and take the emotion out of these things. OP has already stated her DP isn't an 'abuser' - more that he's extremely irritated when in the grip of a mental health crisis. The two are very, VERY different things.

Anyone suffering severe mental health issues needs the support of those around them. If it wasn't for the unwavering support of my husband, it's unlikely I'd be here writing this post. We are now stronger than ever.

So it's not a case of 'put up and shut up', it's about standing by the person you love (presumably) and helping them get the support they need.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 13:05

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 12:53

What people want is immaterial. What people DO to their DC is more important to me. And how much responsibility they take for managing their disease.

Wow!

I honestly don't know what to make of your posts. I genuinely didn't think anyone could be that unkind.

I hope your DC never experience a mental health crisis. Would hate to think you'd just abandon them if their illness caused them to be 'abusive'.

Teder · 30/09/2023 13:08

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 12:58

Not at all... but then life isn't that black and white.

Firstly, I think it's helpful to try and take the emotion out of these things. OP has already stated her DP isn't an 'abuser' - more that he's extremely irritated when in the grip of a mental health crisis. The two are very, VERY different things.

Anyone suffering severe mental health issues needs the support of those around them. If it wasn't for the unwavering support of my husband, it's unlikely I'd be here writing this post. We are now stronger than ever.

So it's not a case of 'put up and shut up', it's about standing by the person you love (presumably) and helping them get the support they need.

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The children are the most vulnerable and helpless in this scenario. If this is impacting upon them, they take priority. I appreciate the OP hasn’t detailed any abuse but she also hasn’t said this is a severe mental illness. Even if it is, they need to find an alternative solution for their family. I was severely mentally unwell including multiple inpatient psychiatric admissions prior to becoming a parent, so I am very aware of how it feels to be that poorly person. However, you need strategies to protect the people around you. If people are walking on eggshells, perhaps you cannot live together for a period of time.

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 13:11

You seem to be very astonished by me today. And changing the goalposts. Standing by your DC is a different thing altogether. They are not adults

Having said that there are numerous posts here where mums are expected to put up with abuse from their teens because of their poor mental health. No thanks. If my DC were abusive adults I would ask them to move out. Generally caregivers are expected to put their needs last, always. Especially and surprisingly on MN.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 13:13

@Jumpingthruhoops so you think that a parent should just stand by while their 3yo is yelled at and the priority is the shouting adult?
If an adult is so unwell they 'can't help or stop' aggressive behaviour towards a child and the other parent doesnt step in to remove child/adult that's awful.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 13:16

And the fact you refer to people putting vulnerable child first as 'unkind' that astonishes me.
The whole 'be kind' 'youre unkind' stuff is just definitely 'put up and shut up' really.

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 13:17

Clearly I am not the only unkind person on this thread.

Gensola · 30/09/2023 13:17

Well this is a bit like saying my partner is an addict or alcoholic and their behaviour is impacting us, isn’t it? Addiction is an illness as is MH issues but in the end it might not be compatible with family life or a relationship and that’s sad but I wouldn’t live with someone being abusive for any reason. You don’t have a duty to put up with it.

Cowlover89 · 30/09/2023 13:18

Jumpingthruhoops · 29/09/2023 11:34

Unfortunately, a lot of people with mental health issues won't be in control of this behaviour because of their illness.
Not without meds and/or therapy anyway.
Contrary to how it might seem, they don't WANT to be like this. I speak from experience.

I agree with this.

FancyRat · 30/09/2023 14:05

DeeCeeCherry · 30/09/2023 12:42

I'd like to know if he is employed. & if so, whether he shouts at work colleagues. Also whether he shouts at his friends. It's a simple yes or no answer that will determine the truth of things.

Not really. Most I know people have gotten cross and raised their voice at their children (irrespective of mental illness) at some point.

I do not know one person who has yelled at their boss.

It's a different scenario, different relationship.

FancyRat · 30/09/2023 14:08

It feels like a lot of people haven't read OP's posts and are getting the wrong idea. Her DH is irritable and not handling things well. It's not something that should continue on and on and needs to be addressed.

But you'd think he's screaming in their faces and calling them all cunts by some of these responses. Blimey. Nothing about be kind, it's be rational and have some perspective.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 15:03

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 13:13

@Jumpingthruhoops so you think that a parent should just stand by while their 3yo is yelled at and the priority is the shouting adult?
If an adult is so unwell they 'can't help or stop' aggressive behaviour towards a child and the other parent doesnt step in to remove child/adult that's awful.

What part of 'this person is unwell' are you struggling to understand?

As the other poster quite rightly said, these behaviours are symptoms of their illness. You're effectively suggesting this person should 'be unwell... quietly'.

Trust me, a lot of people DO hide these feelings... and we all know what the tragic consequences of that can be.

Respectfully, I think you should do a bit more research on the complexities of mental health issues before commenting on threads like this.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 15:09

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 30/09/2023 07:30

Of course not.

My bafflement is at the people who seem to think that people who are depressed or anxious should be capable of showing no outwardly symptoms of their illness, almost as if they are not ill at all in fact.

It's still perfectly reasonable to challenge someone's behaviour and make it clear to them it isn't appropriate and will not be tolerated.

What isn't reasonable is expecting ill people to show absolutely no signs of being ill.

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All your posts are spot on. The comments on this thread are a stark reminder of why there is still SO much work to do to educate people on the complexities of mental illness.

Mental health issues don't discriminate. They can happen to anybody. I didn't know what a mental breakdown was.
Then I had one.

Jumpingthruhoops · 30/09/2023 15:17

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 13:11

You seem to be very astonished by me today. And changing the goalposts. Standing by your DC is a different thing altogether. They are not adults

Having said that there are numerous posts here where mums are expected to put up with abuse from their teens because of their poor mental health. No thanks. If my DC were abusive adults I would ask them to move out. Generally caregivers are expected to put their needs last, always. Especially and surprisingly on MN.

I genuinely am. Frankly stunned that someone could be so cold and uncaring towards another human being who is quite obviously struggling.

Not sure why you're trying to paint me as the bad guy... your posts aren't making you sound like a particularly nice person. But I get the impression that doesn't worry you in the slightest...

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 30/09/2023 15:33

@XDownwiththissortofthingX and @Jumpingthruhoops has anyone said
'No ones allowed to be unwell'?
What I'm reading is that posters are saying if you're unable to be around your family, in particular vulnerable children without being abusive or aggressive, you shouldn't be around them.

CharlotteRumpling · 30/09/2023 15:33

It doesn't. No. Especially as other posters have said the same.

However @FancyRat may have a point, but the OP hasn't given us enough information to say exactly how "irritable" her DH is.