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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

209 replies

NatMoz · 27/09/2023 06:00

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

OP posts:
Puffinsandcreeks · 27/09/2023 06:06

No it isn't. I know plenty of people who have 2 children that don't play together and fight a lot. You can't guarantee that they will have any sort of relationship you predict that they might have.

You should have a second child if you want a second child, not as a companion to the first one. It is a big expectation to put on a little person.

In my experience, when my eldest turned around 4ish, they started playing independently a lot anyway. We didn't have other children at this point.

I also know people that have two children that get on well and do play. Those children happen to all have larger age groups and there wasn't any sibling rivalry, but that could purely be a coincidence.

ShippingNews · 27/09/2023 06:07

Definitely NOT a good reason to have a second ! There would be about a 3 year gap between them, and by the time #2 actually became able to play , they would be about 2 and 5 . And then there are no guarantees - I had two and #1 took an active dislike to #2 on the day he was born, and never played with him or anything else. They were like two only children, only becoming friendly when they were teenagers !

Have another if you like, but don't assume that the two will become best friends and play together . You need more of a reason than that !

looking4pup · 27/09/2023 06:09

Mine never played together. One was into toys until 11. The other was never really bothered about playing with toys ever. She stopped asking for them when she was around 8. They are both girls with 22 months between them. Both planned.

They physically fight every day. However I never wanted an only. I have 2 siblings who I rely on a lot but I have issues.

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2023 06:12

I wouldn’t assume they’ll get on and want to play together; it sounds like your life is just getting back on track tbh - don’t have another baby; nothing wrong with being an only child

BananaSplitX · 27/09/2023 06:16

Mine play together all the time and adore each other. There’s a big (ish) age gap between them, and they are a boy and a girl so I was worried if they would get on, but they are best friends. When one is at school late, the other one misses them and says how quiet the house is without the sibling. My DH is an only child and he always says how much he misses not having a sibling.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2023 06:17

My brother was awful to me and the worst thing about my childhood by a mile.

So you don;t know. At least with friends you choose them so you can change.

DD is an only and happy.

Zanatdy · 27/09/2023 06:18

Well my oldest was a single child until he was 11. Then I had 2 more children with 3yrs between them. Yes in my experience it was easier then having each other to play with and grow up with. Nothing better imo that seeing your children cuddle and love each other, which mine used to do a lot. They are 19 and 15 now

MaggieBsBoat · 27/09/2023 06:18

It worked for me in that my eldest 2 (boys, now 26 and 23) are best friends and even lived together as flat mates for years. They always played together as kids. They love each other. It gives me a feeling of security knowing they have each other when I am gone.
But! This is not reason alone to have another.
My DH is an only child and now that his parents are elderly their care will fall on him (and also then me) and care of their home and finances etc etc etc. It’s a lot and I dread the upcoming years. I wish he had siblings to share this with. Not just me. I have siblings so the care of my parents will be shared.
It’s hard. There is no right answer and there are pros and cons to both sides.

MsFrost · 27/09/2023 06:19

Bit concerning that your husband is worried about your child needing undivided attention from her parents. All children need this.

Does he think he will need to give less attention to his children if he has two?

Two children isn't quite twice the work, but it's more work than one!

Wanting a second child - and to give them all the time, 'work' and attention that comes along with that - is the only reason you should have a second child.

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 06:20

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

No. And it is quite odd to have a child solely so you won't have to deal with the existing one. Basically he would end up having two children wanting his attention! No reason to think they will play together or necessarily like each other. I have heard that the closer the age gap the less well siblings get on.

As you know OP babies are a lot of work and every extra one adds to the mix.

Also being ambivalent is a good enough reason not to have one.

MinnieMountain · 27/09/2023 06:20

But siblings don’t necessarily share the care @MaggieBsBoat . My uncle left it all to my dad.

liann34 · 27/09/2023 06:25

Oh God no. You can't have a child on the expectation that it will serve some purpose for you.

My sister and I have absolutely nothing in common, either as children or as adults. We have nothing to talk about beyond small talk. Its not that we dislike each other, we're just very very different people who happen to be related.

historyrepeatz · 27/09/2023 06:28

They may play together they may fight horribly or they may live alongside each other having nothing to do with each other.

Original poster
NatMoz · 27/09/2023 06:29

My DH is an only child and now that his parents are elderly their care will fall on him (and also then me) and care of their home and finances etc etc etc. It’s a lot and I dread the upcoming years. I wish he had siblings to share this with. Not just me. I have siblings so the care of my parents will be shared.

Well my husband has 2 siblings, one lives in US and the other Canada so elderly care is going to fall on him regardless!

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/09/2023 06:30

Don't have another for this specific reasons. The title gave me a laugh. I would say my DC love each other very much and it would have been less chaotic if I'd stuck at 2, but even when ones not here they annoy the bejesus out of each other. They will literally fight over a sibling getting 30 seconds more TV than them. They don't have big personality clashes either so I know it could be a lot worse. As for sharing care of parents when their elderly I have 2 siblings, but this will 100% fall to me anyway.

YourNameGoesHere · 27/09/2023 06:30

Literally the worst reason to have a child is because you think the first needs a playmate.

If you feel like you're one and done then it seems much more sensible to not rock the very calm and well ordered boat you appear to have and risk it all on the small hope that the 2 children will play together.

TerfTalking · 27/09/2023 06:31

Playmate?

My two did nothing but argue and fight until they both became adults. It can still be a bit tense sometimes.

And yes, I have two siblings, neither were playmates and all elderly care is left to me. I might as well have been an only child, at least I wouldn’t have ended up with the box room 😀

BettyPhuckzer · 27/09/2023 06:32

I dont think you can assume that the children will get along and be friends

So...... if you're not keen on having a second child - don't!!

Original poster
NatMoz · 27/09/2023 06:33

@MsFrost

Bit concerning that your husband is worried about your child needing undivided attention from her parents. All children need this.

Does he think he will need to give less attention to his children if he has two?

No of course not! Don't be daft🤣

It was more the statements from him of his brother being his best friend to the point he struggles to make non biological friends which has got him into a pickle as his brother is in US

OP posts:
Spacemoon · 27/09/2023 06:33

I absolutely adore both my kids, but let me tell you...they are hard work together. Life was a lot more simple and easy with just 1 child. Separately, they are angels. Together they fight like cat and dog from the moment their eyes open until the moment they go to sleep. This isn't every day of course, they do get along sometimes and are very lovely together at times, but it is frequently enough for it to make day to day life noticeably more stressful!

If your only reason to have a second child is so your first has a play friend, don't do it. It's not fair on either of the children and quite frankly has the potential to backfire on you. Children should be seen as individuals, not something that comes as a pair to keep each other entertained.

2nd children should be bought into the world because they are wanted for so much more than just to keep 1st child happy!

WaitingfortheTardis · 27/09/2023 06:33

Definitely not a good reason to have a child. Also, we have a daughter and for the last 18 months or so (5 now) she has become far more able to play by herself and is often in her own imaginary world with her toys. Actually dh and I love playing with her too, but I think it's quite good for her to have her own time.

Future care of elderly parents is another terrible reason to have a child.

If you want more children it should be because you want to be a parent to more children.

autienotnaughty · 27/09/2023 06:33

I have three and two are close in age. They did play together as younger children but when they got to around 9 and 11 it all went downhill and they argued like crazy.

I now have a third child his older siblings are adults now. He does like a lot attention, he likes to do board games, computer games, things that are interactive.

I wouldn't have a second child just for a playmate, if your child is sociable she will have friends from school/wrap around care. There will be play dates and parties and probably clubs she will attend .

thiswayupsidedown · 27/09/2023 06:35

No! I have 2 quite close in age. They squabbled like mad when they were little, we have always had to take a friend each to make days out enjoyable, and now they are teenagers they just do their own thing. Don’t get me wrong, they love each other but have never been ‘friends’.
Im sure this will change when they are adults but i would never suggest having 2 just to give them someone to play with

EveSix · 27/09/2023 06:35

Oh please don't follow your husband's lead on this one. That's really crazy prospecting. Luckily you can see that.
I have a 3 year gap, pretty much to the day, and they rarely played together growing up as developmentally that ship has all but sailed with that age difference. They have grown (preteen and just teen) into very different -lovely- personality types, and aren't really interested in hanging out.
One and done for sure, if that's how you feel.

Tree12 · 27/09/2023 06:36

Mine fight a lot however my dad recently died and I was glad to have the support of my brother. If I’d been an only child I’d have had to plan the entire funeral on my own etc the rest of the family were no help. I know you have no idea what the future holds but I feel like having a sibling when you’re older is a good thing even if you might not necessarily be friends as kids.

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