Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

[NatMoz]

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise.

This part is quite strange. Don’t have another child to be a playmate to your first. Definitely don’t do it to avoid having to give your first child undivided attention. Two children will not be less work than one.

My DH is an only child and now that his parents are elderly their care will fall on him (and also then me) and care of their home and finances etc etc etc. It’s a lot and I dread the upcoming years. I wish he had siblings to share this with. Not just me. I have siblings so the care of my parents will be shared.

I am the only child of divorced parents, and it used to worry me how I would cope with their old age. It turned out to be relatively easy, and I think I dealt with it all very well - and I had no partner (or children) to support me. I also have a friend who is one of five and it all fell on her as the only local one (and only female). Having another child to help cope with elderly parents in the far distant future would be ridiculous.

On the point of onlies needing more undivided attention as they get older: nonsense. My only child is great at independent play as she has an amazing imagination, and I know others who have siblings who demand total undivided attention constantly. All children need your full attention at times.

Depends what your child is like, rather than whether they have siblings or not. Two will not be less work than one.

It was partly our reason, I really strongly did not want an only child. We are older parents and imo no one plays with a child like another child does, especially things like holidays, days out etc DS was 3 when DD came along and it genuinely could not have been more perfect. They absolutely adore each other and the house is always full of laughter, they play together, and we do a LOT of theme park holidays so 2+2 is perfect for rides. It also brought out such a lovely side of DS, very caring, he's so kind and patient with her.

Now obviously none of those things were the reason we had her, but they've all contributed to the overall positives. But looking at other comments obviously not everyone is as lucky unfortunately.

I have an only. I am a lone parent. I can afford private school which as it turns out what she absolutely needed and she has ADHD and can't cope with large school setting.

I can afford great holidays and hobbies for her.

She doesn't need my undivided attention all the time at all, in fact she is very very happy in her own company.

My partner has an only (we don't live together) his DS just went off to Uni and is super independent.

Contrary to the belief about having someone to play with/keep them company, my experience of have an only is they can be very independent and resilient.

I'm an only child and don't feel like I've missed out. Kind of assumed we'd have an only but miraculously found I was expecting number 2 and was terrified.
Love it so much I had number 3, didn't realise their relationship and time together would bring so much more.

Tough call but whatever you decide will be great (not helpful) but I'd say go for it.

Bringing a second child in to the world purely to provide entertainment to your first child sounds like an awful idea. It's why most people have a second child though which I've always found bizarre

You sound very like me. All the positives you are picking out are things I value a lot, my only is 8 and I do not regret sticking to one. If I'd felt broody or anything, a second would have been the right path.
I do sometimes think oh imagine if there was a second and they got on like a house on fire. But, they may not, and we'd be stretched in every way with two. I suspect a lot of people do it on autopilot, but single DC are not a rarity now so yours won't feel an odd one out.
And I say all of that myself having a sibling who I get on with extremely well! But I can see there's no guarantee and I'm following what's right for us as a family, not replicating the past.

I have two, with a 3 year age gap. They have never played together; don’t argue but just exist in two separate spheres.

I’m an only child, and it’s fine, never wished for siblings and am a very sociable creature now.

Have another child if you really want one and feel you can support one.

But having a child as a way of distracting or entertaining your first child is a terrible approach. As others have posted there’s no guarantee whatever that this will work out as you envisage it.

To play together? No. To grow up together, to build a kinship, to share support and friendship over a lifetime,? I think so. But of course, everyone on MN will tell you that they hate their siblings and would have traded them in for a pony as quick as they could blink.

I think you have your answer, doesn’t sound like you’re sold on another child. I had two under two and they get on brilliantly. They also get on well with their younger sibling. Partly good luck, but also I was very careful to make sure they were always kind to each other, which is hard work. Children are not automatically nice to each other, it does require modelling and patience. Also some children are lone wolves and prefer to play by themselves.

I always wanted 2, no question. But one reason was for them to have a companion. Yes, they argue sometimes, but they've been so lucky to have each other to share experiences etc. Wherever we go they have a built in playmate to go on rides, watch films, play with toys, swimming lessons, go to school, share friends etc etc. Really close in age. They negotiate and debate with each other which means they have good social skills.

However it's really hard work and if I had been happy with one I would have stuck at one. I wouldn’t have had 2 for these reasons alone.

I have two with a 6 year age gap, due to nursery costs but also took a while to get pregnant.

I had 2 because we wanted 2, they don’t really play together when they were younger but as they are getting older they do seem to be getting closer.

There is a 2 year age gap between me & my sister. We used to fight & argue a lot. We not overly close now which is sad but we not similar so other than having same parents we have very little in common!

I don't think your husband is expressing himself in the most elegant way, but I do think he has a point. We had two - not so the first had a "buddy" but as we wanted to be a foursome not a threesome. I'll get crucified for saying this but many only children I know are quite socially odd. That may be covid though...

Mine have always got on like a house on fire and watching their relationships with each other develop is one of the happiest, most rewarding aspects of parenting. But I'm aware this was not a given!

No, definitely not if that’s the only reason. Have a 2nd because you both want a 2nd and it doesn’t sound like you do. Kids can play alone! And as you say, you can organise play dates etc. you have zero guarantee if you have another they’d even play together and likely would fight etc

“To grow up together, to build a kinship, to share support and friendship over a lifetime,? I think so”

this is far from guaranteed. Most people I know don’t get on with their siblings as adults

I had mine 18 months apart. I have been a referee for most of their lives. Don't do it.

I'm an only child and was perfectly self-sufficient. I enjoyed (and still do) my own company and space but had friends to play with and groups to go to. I read somewhere that only children tend to form strong friendships.

Regarding looking after parents in old age. Well, my mom has a younger brother who didn't do a thing when my grandparents were ailing, so I'm not sure having a sibling is a guarantee of support.

Sounds like your DH's opinion is coloured by his own experience.

My children don’t play together and can fight sometimes (they are 6 and 4), but they have each others backs and would stick up for each other if needed. I love that about them .

While it’s useful to have lots of different opinions, realistically everyone’s experience of having or not having a sibling will be different and bears absolutely no suggestion of what your child’s experience will be. Don’t have a child for your other child’s sake - have one because you and your partner both want another one.

I’ve agonised over this for quite a while now. I don’t want another child, not one bit. My husband does. People tell me I can’t have an only child because they’ll be lonely. But I know, deep down, I really won’t be happy to go through pregnancy/birth/newborn/toddler years all over again. So that’s my decision 🤷🏼‍♀️

My two have a 19mo gap and sometimes they play lovely, other times they fight like cat and dog. 'Giving first born a play mate' was low on my reasons to have another and on its own, not a reason at all tbh

Honestly, only have a second child if you want a second child, no other reason.
The most common arguments - kids playing together, and sharing the care when parents get old - are very much down to their personalities and luck, it’s not guaranteed and most definitely could go either way.

I was debating on being one and done (though mostly because of having an unpleasant pregnancy) and in the end I am pregnant with #2, with a 4 year gap (by choice). I definitely don’t expect them to be playing together that much (although I do hope they will be close once they get older of course).

I have four children, the two that got on best as playmates had a 2yr age gap between them and they are still close now. There is a 3yr age gap between my youngest two and they played together when they were young but it’s fizzled out now they are teens.

I don’t think you can predict how they will be together as children. I had a four year gap between me and my brother and as a child I never really liked him, but as an adult we are close and good friends.

I think I’d be more lonely as an adult without a sibling than as a child without one.