Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

[NatMoz]

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

Not a given they will get on! I have 2. Only downside of one my friend says her mams care will fall on her but her mam is not demanding thank god. I have 2 sisters not overly close to them.

I didn't want to play with my sister from the word go either. My mother had been told we'd be lovely playmates 🙄

Tell your husband that he's talking about children with their own personalities, not kittens.

Absolutely not.
My mum did this.
My sibling Hasn't spoken to me for years.
Your life sounds perfect.
Your child will make her own friends and as a only child will probably end up more independent and self reliant (good traits to have)
Out of my 4 adult children , 3 are fairly close ....though don't see each other much due to distance.
One has completely cut everyone off, years ago.

As pps have said, you've absolutely no guarantee that the children will even like each other, let alone want to play together.

And as for caring for elderly parents, again there's no guarantees that either, or any, of the children are going to be willing to put any effort in in that respect. And having children so that they will be there to take over your care in old age is an appalling reason to have a child.

I have three children. I'm close to one of them who lives 20 miles away but would most definitely not want her to have to spend part of her life looking after me in my old age, I rarely see one of them because they live in another country and the other one has cut herself off from most of the family.

Your life sounds good. If you have another child the impact on you will be greater than the impact on your husband. Unless you are very eager to have another one don't do it for him and his rather strange reasons.

Well you did say 'He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her'

How am I being daft if that's true?

He's saying he doesn't want the 'work' of giving undivided attention to his child. If he doesn't want to give it to one, he's not going to want to give it to two.

It isn't about 'playing'. Until I had children myself, I didn't realise how much socialisation comes from a sibling relationship. But even aside from that, as an only child myself I would never have had just one, in so far as I was able.

In my case yes, DD and DS are 2 years apart and play lovely together. I wouldn't have a 2nd for the sole purpose of giving the 1st one a playmate though, as they might not get on.

It's only on here I see siblings hate eachother and are NC as adults, I only have 1 friend irl like this, in all other cases the siblings are all very close.

My sister and I fought growing up like all siblings do, but we always had a friend in eachother on holidays and days out etc. There is a 2.5 year age gap but we always had the same group of friends and still do even in our 40s. She is so precious to me, my best friend, I couldn't imagine life without her. For that reason I always wanted DD to have a sibling, I wanted two anyway but probably a driving force was knowing they'd always have eachother. I'm expecting another girl and there will be a 2 year age gap, I know there are no guarantees but I hope they'll be as close as my sister and I.

I probably wouldn't have another just for the sole reason of giving my child a playmate if I didn't want one myself but I think in the majority of cases only children always wish for a sibling. I think its extra difficult when you lose your parents too. My cousin is an only and when I was pregnant with DD she told me to make sure I try for a sibling, she's looking after her elderly mum with dementia and struggled when she lost her Dad. My mum is an only too and said she'd always wanted a brother or sister.

But there are lots of people on this thread who have said they are happy as only children. Stop wildly generalising from your own experience.

In no time at all your child will be in school and will have little friends, then teammates from sports or other activities. You and your H can provide a rich social life with playdates, sleepovers, take a friend on holiday, etc.

Having a second child to provide a playmate for the first is a big gamble. Two to three years of a gap might not seem much when you look at the huge amount of support a 2 yo needs to get through each day, but if you have a newborn in your arms and a 2-3 yo sitting beside you, you realise the enormous difference between the two.

Try to imagine simple board games or Go Fish with a 6 yo and a 3 or 4 yo if you think playing together is likely or if you think it won't end in tears most of the time. Or think about having a 4 yo and a 1 or 2 yo at a pool somewhere in Portugal. It isn't twice the work - it's far more than that. I'd say unless you're willing to completely upend your life and do a great deal of going with the flow, quit while you're ahead.

Speaking as someone with five DCs who wouldn't change that for the world, but if you're not feeling it, don't do it.

Of gosh no. Mine are 3 years apart and really don’t get on. Never have done. They tolerate each other for a while. Also it would be a while until the baby could ‘play’ at which age they won’t have the same things in common.

obviously some people do have kids that get on, but not everyone.

I have 2 children, 17months apart in age. 2 kids is so much harder then 1. Being outnumbered is HARD.
theyre 4.5 and 3 and they are the best of friends and play lovely but also fight a lot. Life is a lot more expensive with 2 kids; thank goodness we’ve paid through nursery fees now.
they will have each other when they’re older and I hope they are close, but it isn’t guaranteed.
I look at friends with 1 kid and think their life must be so much easier and less chaotic than mine.
it was never an option to me to only have 1 though. I always wanted two.

How does he know he wouldn't have hated his sibling?

@Mamai90

Well I know tons of siblings who don't get on in real life, not NC extreme, just nothing in common. Many really fought as children.

I soooo hear you on this! I can’t work out if I’d have made a different decision going back though.

Some siblings play together. Some do nothing but tear lumps out of each other.

In my experience, more than a two-year age gap means they’re often into totally different things, especially if they’re different genders.

My oldest wasn’t planned. I was 24 and didn’t have a clue. Didn’t really want children but she became my best friend she turned 2 a month before lockdown and it absolutely broke my heart with her being/playing on her own so we decided to have another (3 year age gap) he’s 2 next month and it’s been difficult I won’t sugar coat it he’s totally different to my first. He didn’t sleep through until very recently, he’s literally a tornado child but the bond they have is just amazing and it’s the best thing seeing them together.

My youngest are both boys, 2 years and 10 months apart to the day. Eldest has never liked the youngest being around. Won't play nicely together at all for more than 10 minutes, constantly butting heads. To the point they can't do the same after school clubs so they can have their own time and quite often DH and I will take one each to give them a break from each other. They are now 7 and 10.

Tough one. My DS is 12 and has started to really feel the absence of a sibling. He was fine until this age. I do feel sad thinking he will have nobody after I have gone. I think a point comes for kids when parents just aren’t enough and they want someone of their own to share things with. I do feel has lost out but I couldn’t give him a sibling for various reasons.

No guarantee the siblings will play together, or even particularly like being together when small.
No guarantee as they get older and become adults either.

Also don't guarantee on shared care when older and parents are elderly either. Many people with siblings find they are the only career when they have an elderly parent.

Dh is a solicitor and this is one of his areas of expertise - the amount of sibling fall outs and arguments over care, inheritance, wishes, etc is immense. He deals with it on a near daily basis, such is its frequency.

There's no guarantee that siblings will play together let alone like each other. YABU.

Oh yes, they get so much from each other, not just playing.. learning, sharing, a friend. Yes they fight sometimes but they have each other, protect each other, and it is the best feeling when they come home from school and I put my feet up and watch them playing, squabbling, laughing, they are never bored. They play in the playground together at school break and I can tell the older one to play with his brother if he is all alone and involve him. I love it.

As children they will go through phases of liking each other and hating each other, but as adults they will be a source of support and company.

@NatMoz as an only child myself I'd say yes, don't get me wrong my childhood was wonderful just me and my mum but I longed for the company when friends and cousins went home, however as a mother of 5 DC now I can honestly say they may not have the relationship your husband envisions; I know there are days I want to bang my DCs heads together to stop them fighting BUT they do love each other very dearly, especially their 3mo baby sister as she is the only girl. You need to have a serious talk with your DH as having another baby just for company shouldn't be the main reason to have another baby

Well, it’s hardly an argument to have a ‘playmate sibling’, surely, if the OP’s husband, who wants another child, is so close to his brother he couldn’t make non-sibling friends, and is screwed because his brother moved continents?