Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

[NatMoz]

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

Imo yes because I think sibling relationships are so important- I lost my parents young and love having a sister. Seeing my two girls interact is the biggest joy for me

It's a real human life, not an add-on accessory.
Will he want to send it back if your daughter doesn't like the sex-setting, or it comes with an extra baby or a disability whereby it can't be a play mate?

I didn't feel our family was complete at 1, we had another making it 3. I still have a yearning for a fourth. But coupled with practicality, DH has a vasectomy. At no point were the twins or the one I'm not having about keeping DS entertained

Definitely don't have a second in the hope they'll play together. I fought with my brother my entire childhood, it was exhausting for my mum. And my two don't play that well together now but still very young.

Is think having two close in age is great as they do entertain each other when they're older. Yes they obviously fight too, but the companionship outweighs that for everyone I know with two with a small age gap. You obviously get the families where the kids do fight non stop, but on the whole, everyone I know with two close together, the kids get on really well. There's a girl opposite us who's an only, and she comes knocking on the door everyday asking for the girls to play, as she's bored at home by herself, where as mine never tell me they're bored, as they have far too much fun playing together/winding eachother up! As a side thought though, you will have a bigger age gap if only just thinking about it now though, so not sure if you'd reap ALL the benefits from a sibling relationship as good company, as that tends to work best when the gap is around 2 years. May take longer for them to tolerate eachother as your eldest is definitely past the baby stage, and will be out of the toddler stage by the time a younger one would be wanting to play Peppa pig games!

Pleased to see the stupid attention seeking comment has been removed, which I reported.

OP I have an only child. We could have tried (being the operative word) for another one but my heart said no. We struggled with fertility and were so happy to have our beautiful DC.

There are no guarantees in life so you must follow your heart and your gut.

I wonder if your DH is projecting a little on his own wonderful sibling experience. Which would be understandable.

Exactly. My exDH and his brother have had no communication for over 20 years, and weren't that close as children.

My 3 play together 90% of the time beautifully and they adore each other and yes it certainly does help parenting in that respect as I'm not required to play all the time like I was with my eldest.

But I do admit here my opinion is very much defined by the fact I don't really agree/understand the whole "one and done" movement. If you can afford private school and foreign holidays doesn't sound like finances are reason to stick at one. My children's sibling relationship with each other is worth more than a private education and foreign holidays.

Nope, as others have said they may have nothing to do with one another and you can't control that!

You can't guarantee that having a sibling = playmate BUT don't be unaware of the dynamics with an only child. My sister has one, and whilst her son has been very happy to play by himself, enjoys adult company, during the holidays and weekends, because there isn't really a 'melee' of family life for the kid to become part of, she often feels the pressure to be intentional about filling his time/arranging for him to do stuff. I look at my life, with the bustle, and think having multiple has, in some ways, actually taken the pressure off.

I wouldn't have a second just for the playmate reason. The only good reason to have a second is if you both want one.

I love having two and it's worth it but it's a lot of work too. I'm an only child though.

You don't understand that some people only want one child??
Why do you have three? Because you wanted to? Why don't you have more? I don't understand the three and done! I'm sure they'd like a sibling. Everyone should have ten each regardless of personal choice because people are weird if they have their own preferences

I agree with this as well.

Despite the bickering, the only time my two ever say they're bored is when they're apart!

That being said, as an only child myself I used to get bored as a kid but I learnt how to entertain myself. as an adult I'm used to doing things on my own whereas I notice others tend to want adult company more.

I had a lot of play dates though and sleepovers which my parents were happy to facilitate. I'd often have friends over to stay for several days or even a whole week in the holidays which helped their parents out a lot! My two rarely ask to have play dates and I wonder if it's because they have a playmate at home.

But I do admit here my opinion is very much defined by the fact I don't really agree/understand the whole "one and done" movement.

I don't agree or understand having 3 kids; I don't agree with dividing my time, money and affection 3 ways, my 2 children get much more value from DH and I than they would an additional sibling. You had a third baby for your own selfish reasons (as I had did mine) you're making a moral judgement on someone else's decision just because it's different to yours.

Just because they're siblings, that doesn't mean they will get along and play with each other. They might fight like cat and dog, or have nothing in common.

And if your child is two now, they'd be three or four by the time the baby was born, and six or seven by the time the younger sibling is at an age where they can really play properly with other kids. A three-year-old and a six/seven-year-old are at different stages and won't necessarily want to do the same things.

Plus, it's actually quite a burden on the older sibling if they're expected to play with a younger child all the time. As the older one they end up being responsible for the younger one, having to show them how to do things, keeping an eye on them etc. Some kids are happy to do that and quite like bossing the younger one around and playing the grown-up but plenty of kids just find it annoying or stressful.

The sheer terror of being alone or bored is quite amusing.
OP think beyond the next few years. Kids don’t stay little for long and they get more expensive as they get older.

What is the 'one and done' movement when it's at home?

I wouldn't for this reason only

My parents had two so that we would play together but it absolutely did NOT go as they planned

I never liked the same thing as my sister and as we grew up we just really disliked each other. Very different people with nothing in common.

As adults we have been completely NC for years and long may that continue 😂

There isn’t a ‘one and done movement’. What on earth gave you that idea? More people are sticking at one, either because there’s less of a stigma, because they can’t afford more, or because they just want to. It’s not an organised movement.

Honestly, people are so bloody weird.

You are done OP, and your reasons for being done are excellent.
RE elderly care - if it helps, my mum is one of 4 and it was all dumped on her.
Not all siblings get on.
Give your lovely current child the very best life and enjoy her.

DD is an only child (5, nearly 6). Our house is always full of kids 😆 I live on an estate and every night there is someone at the door wanting to play with her. By the way, most of these other children have siblings. Often they say to me their brother or sister is annoying or their mum/dad does not have time for them because of their siblings.
DD is never far from a party invitation and makes friends everywhere we go. There were times when I thought about another but my relationship couldn't take it and I don't want to go through poor mental health again.

I certainly wouldn't have another to give a sibling.
Every child is different. You really don't need to do it because of what your husband wants or societal pressure.
If you have an only, they will never be lonely as long as you are happy to do child friendly activities and invite other kids round sometimes.

I have a brother. We were never allowed friends in the house or sleepovers and spent weekends hiking with my parents.
As soon as my brother was old enough, he rebelled, went to uni and now at 36 is a drug addict with no money. He will be absolutely no help to me when my parents are elderly.

It depends on the personalities involved. I have a 5 year age gap between my two, but my older child (6) is the type of child who will play with anyone of whatever age (10 year olds, 2 year olds) and if there's no one around to play with, then they'll pretend a paper bag is alive and play with that. So actually the older one does play with the little one a surprising amount... We'll see if that continues. Conversely, I know siblings close in age who can't stand each other or largely ignore each other. I'd agree that the only reason to have another is because you want another. Also, I wouldn't worry about larger age gaps if you want to wait... they have their downsides but also many, many positives.

I don't want this to put you off as we all love our youngest child immensely, he is s real joy to be around, but he also has severe autism and is never likely to be independent. He barely acknowledges his older brother, although I know my eldest loves him dearly. It will likely change when my youngest grows as he responds very well to adults.He is also probably going to need his eldest siblings support in one form or another when he is older. This wasnt what i planned for and had a second for similar reasons to you. My elsedest has much older half siblings, so at least he has that too. I know they will have to lovely relationship when older, but they don't play together at all now.

I wouldn't change things, but if you are having a child to entertain or support another child you will need to think about it a lot. Some siblings don't even get on, especially with a strong willed older sibling! I know loads of siblings that constantly bicker and fall out.

We had a similar discussion when our DD was a toddler. In the end I realised we were only thinking of having a second for her sake, not for ourselves or for the potential child. And I think that’s a terrible reason to create another person. I think you should actively want a second child because you want another child, not for your first child.