Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

[NatMoz]

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

There are three years between my two boys (7 and 10) and they have been best mates since the younger one could talk. Even before that, my younger boy was the easiest baby because he was so enthralled by his older brother. They are pretty much inseparable and it’s lovely to see they both have a family ally; they get on so well that if one goes out, the other one doesn’t know what to do with himself!

We had DD1 with the plan of being one and done, but we did eventually have another and a big part of the reason was for DD1 to have a companion. In my mind it was broader than simply having a playmate - it was another child to share the dynamic of family holidays and trips out (we aren't the kind of family who would go with another family or take another child with us), going through the school experience, exams, sharing relationship problems, just going through life really.

Mine are 4 and 1 and the age gap is too big for them to play together right now but, but even being in the playroom/garden and playing in parallel is lovely, and it would be so different if it was just DD1. They get on really well and the age gap is not too big for them to enjoy some activities together like swimming and soft play. It works well in our family as DH is able to be around a lot so we can focus on one dc each - I would not have wanted to be juggling them for most of the time on their own. The age gap also worked well because DD1 was in nursery when DD2 was born, so she was able to have a proper baby experience with massage classes, sensory etc.

We can afford private school for both DCs and haven't needed to compromise financially to have 2. I'm not sure I would have wanted 2 if I had to scale back our plans for DD1.

Yes my two squabble a bit, but get on most of the time and it is lovely. I adore seeing them running around playing together and it's nice not to have to arrange playdates etc so they have company.

It sounds like your DHs view is based on how much work it will be, and I am pretty confident that having more children is always more work. They may play together but you end up having to referee and there are two lots of activities, homework, hobbies etc. If he wants to avoid parenting getting harder he should definitely stop at one.

I do however think it's worth having a serious think about whether you think your first child will benefit, over her life, from having a sibling, and whether that sibling would also benefit by being more than one. I don't see any of my children as being created to just be a sibling, but I do like that they are all siblings for each other. Clearly a lot of people on this thread don't see a benefit but personally (and for DH) our siblings are really important people in our lives.

Siblings are just a nightmare!!

It's more than playing together though, it's an extra dimension to the family, a peer within the unit, which is obviously different to a parental dynamic. It create kinship.
Im very pleased my kids have each other. It creates balance

My Mum was effectively an only child (not her parent's choice, my uncle died in infancy). She hated it and I'm one of 4 because she never wanted us to experience being only children. I have 3DC.

Children benefit greatly from having siblings and if they don't get on with them it's the parents' fault. And private education and expensive holidays are not worth denying your child a sibling for.

I usually think you’re a thoughtful and intelligent poster, @JaninaDuszejko, but all this says is that parents try to give their children what they didn’t have themselves, not that one choice is objectively better. I have one child by choice, and all of my siblings are childfree, because our overcrowded, under-resourced childhood as a large sibling group was such a bad experience.

We’re not close as adults precisely because we didn’t ‘benefit from having siblings’. We experienced one another as fellow-drains on very limited resources — everything from parental attention to food to physical room. We were like plants competing with limited light, and it’s certainly had lifelong psychological impact.

Probably other parents might have been able to bring up children better on a similarly constrained income and space, but ours weren’t able for it.

I suspect the OP is an only herself and so has very intense female friendships (my Mum's schoolfriends from her boarding school were substitute siblings for her) and looks at her DH's more typical relaxed male friendships and thinks 'he doesn't have friends' when actually he does but a friendship made in adulthood can never be as close as a good life-long sibling relationship.

As an adult my three siblings are the only people that have gone through life with me. They know my extended family, my good friends from school, university and the friends I've made as an adult. They shared my grief when our Dad died and we'll grow old together. Your siblings are truly your lifetime companions in a way that nobody else is. Friendships can fade over time but your siblings are always there, even if they live on another continent.

NRTFT. Oooh it’s hard. I have b/g twins (so, no choice over the play mate!) 50% of the time they’re best, best friends. 50% of the time they will happily tear actual chunks out of each other. They also love bickering about inane shit until my ears bleed. I love having two because I know if the worst happened (I’m a solo mum) they’d have each other. I also love their polar opposite personalities. I get a lot of joy out of each of them. I have also known, right from the start, these are the only children I want. I hated the toddler years vehemently. Genuinely cried most weeks for about three years. I would never put myself through that again. It’s a discussion obviously but having a second just to be a playmate is not a good enough reason in my opinion. Typing that also makes me think it has to be considered that this fictional second playmate is a real person with all the wants and needs they’ll have. You shouldn’t be brought into the world to be a playmate. Lastly, I have two very good friends who are singletons. Both are well adjusted, lovely humans. Both loved being the only child. One is a mum to an only child and loves it. One is a mum to two and loves it. Knowing and communicating what you want is key here.

Being an only child is lonely when you get older.
No one to share the burden of aging parents. No aunties or uncles for their children (on their side). No blood nieces or nephews. This is what I find the hardest being an only child.

Sorry what? If the siblings don't get on it's the parent's fault?

What a load of nonsense.

Of course it's the parent's fault. I'm not talking about childhood bickering which is obviously normal. I'm talking about adult siblings who don't have a relationship with each other (one of the main reasons people say no siblings is fine). That only happens when the family environment they grow up in is toxic, and that is created by the parents.

That's good for me to hear Minnie (not so good for your dad though!) as I am an only child and have often worried about my parents needing care in the future and how it would be helpful to be able share it and any decisions with a sibling (even if it was just having someone as a sounding board) but like you say it's not necessarily the case that a sibling will be supportive.

Omg its SO worth it.

Mine (boy and girl) get on brilliantly. Eldest is so so caring towards his little sister and they are just so sweet together.

You can’t assume they will.

My sons, with a 20 month age gap, have never been close and barely give each other the time of day. They’re teens now, and can go for days without speaking to each other at all

I'd 100% agree its the parents fault when DC have no bond at all.

Parents can unconsciously pit kids against each other, not handle differences in abilities well, are often frankly impartial, tolerate one DC hurting or being nasty to others.

You see countless threads where people don't value their siblings - because they were scapegoated or there was a golden child, because parents played favourites, because parents didn't nip aggressive behaviour in the bud early. most of the time the causes could have been dealt with through different parenting .

My second came along as a surprise and it was an absolute delight to have been blessed with a second. My 2 play together all the the time and are thick as thieves. Of course they bicker too but mostly they adore each other.

Having 2 was the best thing for us as it really feels like we are complete and we have lived having 2 children.

I’m a one and done child and we flip flopped on a second. However, like you financially we are at a point where we can do all the things we want, when we want and no worries. We could afford private school if we wanted and we go on nice holidays and do lots of fun days out. If we had a second that wouldn’t have been quite as feasible. I also think a lot of siblings in adulthood don’t really talk anyway, so the long term aspect shouldn’t really be considered so much.

I have friends with children a similar age and at 6.5 he is SO easy. So so easy. I love spending time with him, he’s so funny. We no longer have to do pretend play (he was into playfood for longer thank I think most kids are). He’s moving into gaming (like Roblox - I work in IT Security before anyone jumps on this, know what I’m doing online!) and fun board games like labyrinth and monopoly. He’s sooooo much fun. My friends with siblings can’t easily sit and play all this as they’ve got a little one to entertain/watch too.

As such, I think it gets easier far quicker with one and them needing undivided attention won’t last long. we are starting to see this tail off now his interests are changing. However with one it’s easy to switch out with each other. It really isn’t hard work!

We are very glad we were one and done. He’s very outgoing because he has to be to make friends and I ensure he gets involved etc so he has the same experiences than he would with a sibling, to some extent. We take school friends for the day in summer holiday etc - friends are always grateful as you suggest, as they have more kids.

Dont let society tell you what works for you. one kid is literally the best of both worlds. It’s a breeze as they get a little older, totally fun and you still get to do adult stuff without having to organise months out for childcare options.

Don’t have a child if you aren’t 100% convinced because you can’t plan that scenario, they may dislike each other then you’re in the land of nappies and juggling both independently for years longer. It’s mostly just unfair on the children too.

The only reason to have another is because you both want one- siblings don’t always get along so having another as a playmate is silly! I’ve been a nanny for nearly 30 yrs and in so many of the families I’ve worked for the kids didn’t like each other!! I have one child, I’m an only child myself as well, if I had more then we wouldn’t be able to afford the nice days out/basic holidays that we can now and my son and I are very close so I don’t feel the need for more kids

Me and my brothers fought like cat and dog as kids but very close as adults.
my two are just under 3 years apart and did go through a stage of constantly fighting but they’re still protective of each other.
don’t do it for companion do it because you want another.

I'm an only child, and I have such a close bond with my parents. Even though I'm married and have my own kids now, I still love being with them as the three muskateers 😂

Now I'm mid 30s and my parents are getting older, I feel like I wish I had a sibling that could be with me when they pass. I'll be completely on my own to sort funerals ect, which I'm hoping will be a long time away obviously, but it just seems so daunting.

I have three boys that are 11, 10 and 5. I do feel comfort knowing they'll have each other when I pass, my 11 year old doesn't really play with his brothers, but the 10 and 5 year old spend all their time together. It's tricky.

My DH has two brothers and one sister, but only sees his one eldest brother (by 18 months) semi.reguarly, and we live in the same small town. I try and keep in touch with his other two siblings, (same dad, different mum) but they wouldn't just meet up for a drink or anything.

My dad's one of 7 and doesn't see his siblings muxh, my mum's one of three and they're very close and message everyday.

Sorry such a mixed bag! I might have had a sibling that I now hate, or a lovely one. But I was never lonely when I was growing up.

I was an only child and I had an incredible life.....for the reason I decided to be one and done and I now have a 8 year old.
Big mistake!!!!!!! When they are small it's easy to think exactly what you've just said but nobody told me as a new mum that life as I knew it wasn't wasn't same.....parents don't let their children outside anymore!!! As a kid I had plenty friends and was allowed out all day to play but now, if I send my child outside, he noone. He's literally bored playing on his own and it looks so so sad. Playdates....no parent likes them. And your child is still at the age where he's happy on his own....wait until age 6 kicks in and higher, he will want you to play every waking moment of his life.
There definitely are more perks tho with one child....it is far more peaceful, no fighting and arguing, more money ....which is brilliant as we have a crazy amount of days out and holidays and for us we also had to remind ourself that they arjt kids forever .....they grow up into adults so it's not like they need a play friend for many years. We put our child into a lot of after school clubs to fill the voids.

I have two. One DD, one DS with 22 months between them. They have always been close and played together as children, notwithstanding the odd childhood squabble or teenage strop. Even now at 24 and 26, they live close to each other, 200 miles from us, and socialise quite a lot together. However, don't have another if you want a playmate. It might not work out like that.

This.
Absolutely spot on.