Is it worth having 2 children so that they play together?

[NatMoz]

I have an almost 2 year old (2 in December).

I'm feeling more one and done. Right now she sleeps through, has done on and off since 10 weeks and wakes between 7 and 8am.

She was an early walker and is quite lively and a bit of a climber. I keep her active during the week with church groups on my non working days, nursery and childminders the other days.

At the moment we can afford holidays abroad and we can maybe afford one child through private school.

She also is capable of independent play.

We look after her 50:50. There is no primary parent UNLESS my husband works away for a few days occasionally so it's me. I have had long weekends away myself with friends too so again 50:50.

My husband is at the stage where he's discussing a second, main reason being for a playmate.

I don't know if i want a second and I'm not sure playmate is a good sole reason to have one. He claims she will be more work when she's older as we will have to provide undivided attention to her as she will be bored otherwise. I said she would have playdates. I'm sure other mums will bite my hand off to take their child for the day/few hours.

Is playmate really a good enough reason?

My parents had me to be a playmate for my sister. It worked quite well when we were small, we fell out a lot in our teenage years, now as adults we vare best friends. But I know a lot of people who don't get on with their siblings at all and never did, or who played together as kids and have very little to do with each other as adults.

If you do decide to have a second child, one thing I would suggest from having seen friends raise siblings differently to me, if you want them to play together don't police it too much. If you keep telling the older child to leave the baby alone, they may end up not building much of a relationship to start with.

The money you will save by not having a second child will be phenomenal, and then you can use it to pay for activities to stop DC getting bored!

I would say yes. Sorry going against the majority. My two are best friends, very close and opposite genders. It's fucking expensive and tough when they're both little but worth it (I think).

IMO yes, but I think this is personal, there's really not a one size fits all answer.

One and done has advantages but also downsides. I had an only for 10 years then had DS2 and DS3 three years apart.

It's very intense with just one. You only have them to focus on and you don't get a lot of mental space. When there are more then you kind of have to relax a little bit. It's also tough because you're in that stage that it feels like your excellent parenting is what's caused your child to be the most awesome child in the history of the world whereas really we're just biologically programmed to think they're amazing, and much of their temperament is just down to personality. This fades a bit once they get over about 4 IME or when you have another child as you realise fairly quickly that they are not all blank slates you can mould and they are pretty different right from the get go!

It's less busy which some people prefer but I didn't, I love how full our house feels now. I'm more of a clutter and chaos person. If you're more fond of calm, quiet, minimalism, then one child is much easier to maintain this kind of environment with.

It was the requests to play from around 3-7 that I found the most hard and draining. DS3 is only 2 so only just starting to be able to play properly with DS2 but even that has been a real help. Though DS2 is much more independent than DS1 was. DS1 has ADHD and is very very very extroverted and basically wants the stimulation of social input 24/7 - he's a teenager now and seeks this from his friends rather than me.

No, it’s not if that’s the sole reason. I have one (DS 4 and done) and he is kept very busy with clubs, play dates etc. He has lots of cousins and a large wider family so I don’t feel he’s missing out tbh. We also are in a good position where we can take him on a few abroad holidays a year, pay for any classes or activities, have friends over regularly. I feel his quality of life would be reduced by a sibling in terms of what we do now with him. For example, I took him interrailing over summer for a solo trip as my DH was away for work for two weeks. I’d simply not have done that with a 1.5 year old in a buggy too.

Most of his friends have younger siblings from ages 7 months to 2.5 and no, they don’t play together unless you class fighting as play? I know this could change as they get out of the toddler age but it looks like bloody hard work and my mum friends always say that they envy me doing travelling/ having full days or evenings out with my DS because they say they just couldn’t do it alone with two. I have two friends in particular who are often tearful that they feel they never get time with their eldest, and one has gone so far to feel she ruined their family. Of course she hasn’t, but she’s had a particularly hard birth recovery, PND and a baby who doesn’t like to sleep unless held and cried relentlessly. I really feel for her and we all really round but it’s just hard luck as she had a good birth experience and a very “easy” first child as just figured that would be repeated and it’s just not turned out that way for her second time around.

It’s luck of the draw really. I know my DH was the child “born to be his brothers best friend” and they just simply never got on, and still don’t. Perhaps I’m clouded by my DH’s experience of this, but in all honestly I do tire of the narrative that families are “complete” only with two or more kids, or that we are somehow depriving of children of social interactions if they’re an only child. Fact is people have many reasons and experiences for having one or more, all are valid. However basing the decision on something only “possible” like them being close or best friends forever isn’t the way to go.

You should have put this in your first post:

the statements from him of his brother being his best friend to the point he struggles to make non biological friends which has got him into a pickle as his brother is in US

Do you have siblings yourself, OP? It’s obvious where he’s coming from - he valued his brother so highly he wants to give that relationship to his own children. If you don’t have siblings of your own then I’m sure it seems like a ‘get playmate’ choice but it’s more than that, I think.

In our naivety we had two children, quite close together, for exactly that reason. They didn't play together, they squabbled endlessly.

They are now adults and although they love each other, they are different people, living different lives, in different parts of the country and aren't in contact with each other more than a few times a year.

My dc hate each other. They have and do play occasionally but mostly they fight and argue and it's extremely stressful. Have a second only if you really want one despite this potentially or even likely being the outcome

There’s no right or wrong. We were also on the fence and decided to see what happened. If nothing in 6 months then we’d stick to one. I got pregnant and welcomed our second 3 months ago, 23 months between them. Can’t imagine it differently now of course. Like you our reasons for sticking with one was to do with what we could provide for an only. Having another was less about playmates as children and more about the relationship DH and I both have with our siblings as adults. My siblings are my closest friends, most likely to tell it how it is and have been there through ups and downs. Friends are transient. But I’m aware not everyone has that relationship.

The people saying that you shouldn’t have more than one child because siblings fight are missing the point. Learning to get along with others and, crucially, learning to share are things you practise every single day with siblings. You just don’t have the same sort of everyday practice of that as an only child.

You've got to do what seems best in your circumstances OP. I always set out to have more than one so I have a very different perspective. I love seeing their relationships develop and the fun they have together.

They might be best friends they might hate each other.

You just don't know.

If yo want playmate for you LO get a labrador.

The people saying that you shouldn’t have more than one child because siblings fight are missing the point.

No one is saying that. They are saying that if you don’t otherwise want a second child, don’t have one solely for the purpose of being a playmate as they aren’t guaranteed to get along.

If it’s the only reason then no it’s not a good enough reason but DH and I said the other day how much easier it is having 2 now they play together. They’re 5 and 3 and the last 3 months have started to really become ‘friends’ and can play happily together for hours, but they do still argue. On the beach the other week they took turns burying each other for over an hour, which meant I didn’t have to! But they’re also very different personalities so it will be interesting to see what happens as they get older. For now though I am enjoying it!

Not a good reason, no.
Mine never fight, they've always played together and I get on well with my siblings.

These threads always seem skew towards people whose children fight and hate their siblings 😄

I wish I'd been an only child, unfortunately I wanted a sibling when I was little and my mum thought she should have one for me. We have never got on and used to argue, fight and wind each other up no end. We were certainly each others entertainment - just not in any good or positive way.

My parents have sorted out their own old age, there's no reason it should have to fall on any child, I certainly wouldn't want mine to - but I'd much rather not have to sort out inheritance with my sibling, it already caused huge problems between DH and his sibling when their parents died.

I have an only and it's wonderful, everyone I know with 2 has had a much harder time of it. It's one of the best decisions I ever made IMO.

No, not a good reason. I'm an only child with an only child. Having another child just for a playmate and to get "a break" is very selfish if that is indeed the sole reason.

I could have written this myself.
Our LG is 2 in Jan and after losing a parent this year I was grateful to have a sibling but when we were kids we didn't play together we have a 2.5yr age gap

We can cope now, hopefully be able to afford activities and clubs for our little one, as they get older possibly pay for a friend to join us on holiday.

My biggest fear is having another one and regretting it. We would have less options for childcare as GP wouldn't be able to have 2 at a time, as the lower earner more would fall to me, if something were to happen to my partner or if we split up I don't think I could cope being a single mum to 2.

Each has pros and cons but I don't have a big desire to have another one so we have drawn a line under it.

1 year 9 month between my 2 boys and they play together all day. 2nd DC was a bit of a suprise my DH was v much one and done and I would of waited but so glad I didn't. Obviously there will be a bigger gap between yours and they might not be into the same things like mine are but I actually feel I have more freedom to get on with stuff as they keep each other entertained and one of them doesn't constantly need me for one on one interaction. It's still has it demands generally I also just felt more fulfilled and complete as a family with 2 but that's just me everyone's different

Definitely not a good reason. And there is absolutely nothing wring with being bored. Actually, we don't encourage children enough to learn to deal with boredom.
As a single child I had friends I played with all the time (granted, it was back in a day when you were allowed to play outside unsupervised all day long), I also was good at independent imaginative play. Was I bored at times? Sure. But that taught me a value of creativity, reading, imagination - something I draw on as adult so literally never feel bored or lonely now.

For us it has been. Mine play together all the time and really love each other ( 7 and 10), though they do fight too, which is hard ( both boys).

But I am really glad they have each other, and will go through life having each other and that bond.

Play dates are not that easy to arrange as kids lives are so organized now. Everyone is at ‘activities’ or in family time at weekends. It’s hard to co- ordinate diaries. Kids don’t really just play in the street and organise their own time with other kids. It will help if you are good friends with another family, but that means you have to invest time in that.

My eldest would be spending a lot of time alone if he never had a sibling. So I am glad he dies have one and they get along. Three year age difference.

It’s your body, if you don’t want another one, then that’s the answer.

I’m pregnant with my second and I always wanted 2 kids, partly for the companionship. My experience is that my brother and I played together all the time and were/are very similar still. Yes we also physically fought but without him I would have been incredibly lonely. My parents then split and separated us, I didn’t live anywhere near my school friends and was very lonely during my teenage years. My brother as an adult is the closest member of my family. I also wanted to 2 kids as we don’t have a big family, they have no cousins etc.

However I do know a mix of siblings who get on, and some who have less in common just because they are different people, so it’s really the luck of the draw and should not be a sole reason for having another kid.

Two is great if you want to play referee as they grow up due to constant fighting 😫

I used to think this, but now realise, as you point out, it’s so much harder for kids to ‘unbored’ themselves than it used to be. They can’t just take themselves off like they used to. Their lives are, socially and physically (I’ve seen research studies on how much kid physical roaming space in their neighbour hoods has dimished) much, much smaller.

kids need that freedom to learn how to occupy themselves.

My kids fight all day, it’s bloody draining.

And they are very jealous of each other, constantly vying for mine and DH attention.

We had the same reasoning for our No2.
They were chalk and cheese. Exactly 2 years between them. Never played together once!
Tricky teen years. Get on better as adults.