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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a money one!!

216 replies

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:35

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

OP posts:
RedSquirrelsRock · 26/09/2023 18:37

Er, no, dh work more hours and do like I have to, earn it then you can save it.

RedSquirrelsRock · 26/09/2023 18:39

Meant to add he sounds like a sulky teenager, not helping as such, play station and whining it's not fair.

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:40

@RedSquirrelsRock thank you, I thought I was being mean and unreasonable, I appreciate your input :)

OP posts:
DonaNobisPacem · 26/09/2023 18:41

I'm confused -if you have separate finances, how is he affected by you going to gigs? He's surely not saying he wants you to give him the equivalent amount of money out of your earnings?

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:42

@DonaNobisPacem thats exactly what he’s saying!! He wants his fair share!

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 26/09/2023 18:43

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:42

@DonaNobisPacem thats exactly what he’s saying!! He wants his fair share!

The cheeky bugger. You’re right, he’s resentful of the time you spend more than the money and is lashing out a bit.

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:44

@DonaNobisPacem thats my thoughts but he’s always invited.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:45

Ultimately OP, you are bringing in family money to the family coffers.

Therefore, if DH prefers to spend his on different things for his downtime, then he should have access to it.

I don't necessarily like it, but if the roles were reversed this would be the expectation .

Whohashiddenthebiscuits · 26/09/2023 18:45

I think you already know the answer to this OP. Yes, gently have the conversation.

DonaNobisPacem · 26/09/2023 18:46

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:45

Ultimately OP, you are bringing in family money to the family coffers.

Therefore, if DH prefers to spend his on different things for his downtime, then he should have access to it.

I don't necessarily like it, but if the roles were reversed this would be the expectation .

It's not family money- they have separate finances.

FrenchandSaunders · 26/09/2023 18:47

It’s his DD? Presumably … how bloody odd!

Pottomous2 · 26/09/2023 18:47

no. That is the height of cf’ery. Your earnings your call. Tell him to get an evening job, like you have, then he will have extra cash.

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 26/09/2023 18:48

So he wants pocket money from you in leau of going to gig? Fucking hell, is he actually your son but you didn't realise?

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:48

That doesn't matter, @DonaNobisPacem

One partner has considerably more free spends than the other.

If this was the wife going 'without', the answers would be different,

I don't agree with it, but I would address the potentially lazy DH rather than the money.

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:48

@CantFindTheBeat i get this too, that’s why I’m doubting myself. But if he was the high earner and I only worked 4 days a week I’d be making sure the house was sparkling and dinner made etc

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 18:49

He needs a second job so that he can have more money and help contribute to other bills like food.

VesperLynne · 26/09/2023 18:50

But surely is all " family money" , isn't it ?????.

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:50

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:48

@CantFindTheBeat i get this too, that’s why I’m doubting myself. But if he was the high earner and I only worked 4 days a week I’d be making sure the house was sparkling and dinner made etc

I think that's the problem that you have to solve, OP.

You need to address the imbalance. Otherwise you'll lose respect and attraction for him too.

Are you married?

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:51

Yes it’s his DD. I know he would have access to this money if finances were shared but they’re not and never have been. It is technically family money because I buy everything including funding his hobby, but he has decided he wants to purchase something at over £3k and has no means to save for it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:54

@CantFindTheBeat yes married 12 years, he is a good dad and partner. This has came out of the blue and I didn’t expect it! Like I say he/we don’t want for anything. We don’t have a lavish lifestyle, but it feels nice to finally be able to spend some of my hard earned cash on DD and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:57

@VesperLynne yes you are right. This is my dilemma. I would expect the same if roles were reversed but I would be making sure I was doing my share of chores too.

OP posts:
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 26/09/2023 18:57

This conundrum is one of the many, many reasons why finances should be shared. Are you a family or not? Is he your partner or your son? Is he your DD's father or her sibling? How on earth you can fancy a man like this is beyond me. Works 4 days a week, watches his wife work 7 days a week, then asks her for pocket money. Yuck.

Original poster
TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:59

@Raincloudsonasunnyday this is a really good way to look at it, I will definitely be asking him this when we have the “chat”

OP posts:
napody · 26/09/2023 19:00

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:48

That doesn't matter, @DonaNobisPacem

One partner has considerably more free spends than the other.

If this was the wife going 'without', the answers would be different,

I don't agree with it, but I would address the potentially lazy DH rather than the money.

Agree with this- it should be shared money. But he should be doing what he agreed chores wise if PT.
But then again, you're spending money doing something nice with your daughter- it's not like just buying PS games... I'm torn!

LucieLemon · 26/09/2023 19:01

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:51

Yes it’s his DD. I know he would have access to this money if finances were shared but they’re not and never have been. It is technically family money because I buy everything including funding his hobby, but he has decided he wants to purchase something at over £3k and has no means to save for it at the moment.

This is probably where the drive for extra finance is coming from all of sudden, he's trying to accrue 3k. I highly doubt it has anything to do with getting money to spend time with your daughter.

I wouldn't be happy him having the equivalent cash alternative for nothing but I could see the argument for him having money to take your daughter out to do something, if he chooses to do so.

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