It’s a money one!!

[TheLizardQueen]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

Finances don't have to be completely shared in marriage if that's not how you want it to work.

We have been married nearly 20 years, two DDs, and have our own bank accounts our salaries go into, but also have a joint account we pay into for mortgage, bills and food. I earn 50% more than DH and I pay for more things for DDs, and more of the cost than him for holidays and trips. Neither of us go without, and spend our own money after bills are paid on what we want without the other person asking "Why did you buy that?"

I've just spent £300 on a short course and spent similar on another one not long ago. That doesn't mean I have to give DH £600 because I spent that much on myself. How odd 🤔

The money should be shared and he should be using his day off work to do household stuff.

It's not the same as a parent of young children being unable to work for childcare cost reasons, or someone unable to work through ill health, he chooses to work 4 days a week and earn less money and be partly supported by the OP.

I wouldn't pay him the money but I'd probably pay for a cleaner, in your shoes, OP.

Just tell him he has the equivalent of a gig ticket in his own money already and that you have generously decided not to charge him for his 50% contribution to DD's ticket.

Ohh see I am petty and would have to take the petty route with this one. I would say ‘ok but from now on 50/50 on holidays, Christmas or birthdays, DD’s driving lessons, clothes, vet and pet expenses also as you I am left doing the majority of the housework we will go 50/50 on a cleaner as I am tired working more than full time and being left doing the majority of the housework’ bet he shuts up very quickly!!!

His ‘share’ can be spent on a cleaner.

it sounds to me that you rather resent his lack of ambition @TheLizardQueen and are almost treating him like another child rather than an equal partner in your marriage

I think you need to separate out the domestic work from the finance query.

Domestic duties - whoever is at home more, whilst the other works, needs to step up on the household duties. This should be a given. Maybe you need to make this crystal clear - discuss it, write it down, whatever works for you 2.
My DH isn't working at the moment and he is doing nearly all household tasks and childcare. When he gets a job we will re-assess what works for our family.

Finances - Things do need to change. It sounds like you are giving him pocket money which isn't great. Are you and your DD spending all the discretionary spend spare cash on going to gigs? If so I can see why your DH might be a bit annoyed. Maybe do an activity that you can all enjoy.
You do need to work out how much money you have as a family at the end of each month and how you are going to allocate it - it can be for gigs, his hobby, going out for meals etc.

He’s pathetic-sounds like he’s jealous of what you spend on your daughter and he wants his cut

One partner has extra time the other has extra money. You make your choices in life. It's not your fault he doesn't like his choice

So redraw the finances and the family jobs all at the same time. Gigs come out of the family pot from now on, so you put in and he puts in. If he doesn't want to go to the gig, he can have the equivalent cash BUT the critical factor is that here he has put more into the pot to start with. Do the financial split based on jobs and main earnings not on hobby on the side money if you could manage the household without it. There's nothing stopping him also earning on the side so that seems fair and equal way of dealing with it.

Jobs shared too - the whole list of things that need doing. And no bins once a week and mowing the lawn is NOT the same as dinner - because dinner is every day, and needs planning shopping etc. So make sure the toil is equal to the reward!

There are two separate issues here. The money and DH not adequately performing household chores.
I believe all money earned is family money and you should both have equal rights to access the money and decide how it is spent.
You then need to have a conversation with DH about your expectations with regard to housework and chores.

him asking for a 3k guitar has brought the real problem to your attention. which is that he sits around doing nothing for almost half the week while you are working yourself to the bone earning AND doing most of the housework.

I think you should sit him down and say you are no longer happy with this arrangement. he should go back to work full time and with the increased funds you can employ a regular cleaner/housekeeper. that way you get some much needed downtime. because at this rate, you will burnout.

if he refuses to do this, just tell him that you will be going part time because you just can't do it all anymore.

the 3k guitar is a no because you just don't have the money and emergency savings are there only for an emergency.

even if he starts earning, the 3k guitar is a no because for too long you've been doing everything. he needs to grow up and do this share.

personally OP, a man who sits around playing PlayStation while you are working so hard would be a complete turn off for me. is this really what you want?

Not when they're at home together. Thats shared. But he doesn't get to go back on what he said he would do and leave it all to her

There are a number of issues here:

First, why is your money 'family money' and his isn't?

Second, there are lots of expenses that you're currently paying for which should come out of the joint pot. So you need to recalculate 'family expenses' and each pay a proportion according to your income (assuming you don't go down the joint finances approach). It might be that he ends up paying significantly more than £700 once these expenses are taken into account and funded jointly.

Third, his non-monetary contribution to the family is out of whack with yours. He needs to step up his game at home, or go back to work 5 days a week and you can use the extra money towards a cleaner.

Fourth, if he wants to buy a £3k guitar and other expensive items like this, has he looked at increasing his hours or getting a better-paid job? There aren't many people paying towards a family on MW jobs who could afford things like this, especially when not working full-time. Tbh there aren't many people on extremely comfortable salaries who would have this amount spare from the family budget either!!!

I believe all money earned is family money and you should both have equal rights to access the money and decide how it is spent.

And the OP doesn't see it that way, and why should she just because you see it as family money?

He isn't going without financially and his request is unreasonable. He's not facilitating OP's work in anyway like someone providing childcare while someone else works, he's gaming and his only costs are £700 out of a minimum wage job. He has £500 disposable income every month already.

All of this. He sounds juvenile; what's his age? Playstation for a grown man?

I'd urge him to resume FT work and to seek more training/skills and a more lucrative job.

Spreadsheets ( love them) different colours for your contribution, his contribution. Hours he works, hours you work. Then work in house he does, what you do.Hive it to him tell him to sort it out.
When he works full time he gets full time wages. He’s lazy, happy to live off you, and sulks like a child into the bargain, all very unattractive traits.

Sorry but the phrase knowing the cost of everything and value of nothing comes to mind. If a man was earning more than his wife of 20 years and wanted to t spend large amounts of money on taking DD to rugby natches and wife didn't want to go, wife might complain. I don't think he should hav your money but I think there should be events holidays that he likes to balance things out

Well said.

A mature person would seek to earn more, not cadge it off his wife.

How on earth can you think that?

You really think that he can run a household and support his dd (either maintenance or having her with him half the time, which would require at least a 2 bed property) on £700 which is all he spends at the moment?

Mortgage/rent, all bills, food, transport, clothes,(because he won't have op to ferry him around)....all essentials for 1.5people for £700? If he's an adult man capable of working part time he won't get any supplementary benefits. Where do you live if that's achievable?

Let alone he would almost definitely have to do more chores without op picking up the slack.

Otoh it's likely op could be better off in both aspects if she left him.

Tell the lazy fucker he is already receiving more than the equivalent of what you spend on gigs with your daughter by you supporting his part-time work whilst doing absolutely nothing around the house except laundry. If he wants more money then he has to get off his lazy arse and earn it, like you do. Tell him the Bank of Mummy is closed as he sounds like an over indulged child, not a partner. His behaviour would give me the ick. I would have lost any respect for him as a partner and my fanny would be permanently closed to him, hell, I couldn't even bear to share a bedroom with him, let alone a bed. Ask him how he thinks he would manage if you divorced him.

My DH recently went to a 4-day working week (by his own choice) & he really values that extra day free of work & stress. Your DH should see that day for the high-value gift it is.

Also, if your DH has £500 left each month, then in 6 months he'll have the guitar he wants. Though I'd guess he'll spend all his free time playing it (can he actually play) & annoying you while you're doing your self-employed job - and who needs that?

Cyclist, guitarist, gamer... not my type but it takes all sorts!

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable or controlling. I suspect he knows this too, but is chancing his arm to see if a tantrum will make you cave in and cough up the three grand he wants.

I think him wanting for nothing is part of the problem. If he just has to want something and you step in to buy it for him, then he has come to see you as the source of all the things he wants. It would take quite a few gigs tickets to add up to £3k, presumably, and it doesn't sound like you have £3k spare (ie not for emergencies) just sitting around waiting for him to claim it.

This guitar is quite a good thing, because it is probably unaffordable without someone saving and possibly sacrificing other things. That needs to be him, and I think that now is a good time to renegotiate how your household runs. Good luck with that, I don't expect it will be at all fun for you!