It’s a money one!!

[TheLizardQueen]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

I feel as though he’s got a good deal here, tbh. Plus you’re allowed to do things for your DD. If it were your son complaining you were giving your daughter more, I’d have some sympathy. But this is your husband. It sounds to me as though you pay for the bulk of ‘family’ things — albeit you both pay £700 a month towards bills etc — AND do the bulk of the work. As a PP said, it’s fine to have shared money but with that should come shared responsibilities. It doesn’t sound to me as though you have that. And while a lot of people on MN don’t agree with separate finances, my DH & I have always done roughly what you do — we both contribute an equal amount to the kitty financially, and what’s left is ours. If my DH started complaining I was treating our DD but not him, I’d give him short shrift. It sounds to me as though your DH wants it every which way — working part time, not picking up the slack at home, and being (partly) financed by you…

In the case of consolidated finances, totally, but they have separate finances, it’s what they agreed. If he wants to do his equivalent of ‘going to a gig’ he needs to pay for it himself.

He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!!

Has everyone crying 'if the shoe was on the other foot' completely ignored this?
DH contributes £700pm so I assume the rest of his earnings are his to do as he pleases. This is on top of OP's second job allowing him to work p/t. It's not like he's a sahd looking after small children with no income of his own.

OP meanwhile works 7 days a week, contributes more to the household, and does more than her fair share of household chores. And by all accounts is more than generous with her own leftover funds.

OP, tell your DH if he wants more cash he should go back full time. That would be the beginning and the end of the discussion for me.

@Winederlust you’ve hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how I feel. Thank you

I don’t quite understand how the split finances work. But even if both your money just went into the same pot, I would say it would be fair for him to have cash for bonding time/activity with daughter, but not just not solo PlayStation gaming equipment or something.

I’m curious as to why you decided to split your finances like this in the first place? Did he benefit from this arrangement when you were on mat leave etc? And now wants a bigger share now you’re the higher earner.

Surely there needs to be a discussion on equal spending money AND equal leisure time.

How much money does he have left over after paying in £700?

How much to you really have left over after you have spent on all the extras for DD that is purely just for you - you tickets alone etc?

I agree with this.

Do you, after all the expenses you pay for for the family, hsve £500 a month entirely for yourself?

Im really not sure how much you have op. 4 days work plus an extra £10K might not be a huge amount to fund the expenses you shoulder over and above the £700 bill money,

How much do you have left over after bills and expenses?

You should both have equal spends or certainly close enough. If he isn't doing enough housework address that issue or if you resent him working 4 days ask him to step back up...don't punish him financially. Holding back money because you resent his lack of housework isn't a great way to deal with him.

I'm curious as to how much you have left over once you have paid for everything you are paying for?
I think if he was pulling his weight I would be more inclined to agree you should have matching finances however what's putting me off is how much extra you pay for, that fact he's reduced his working week but hasn't picked up the extra slack and that he's happy for you to pay for so much more.
But like I say I'm curious how much more you have then him a month.

Only if they do an equal amount of work.

I think they should get a cleaner and he should go full time.

agree with @winderlust and others who have said similar
If he was a single man living alone and either paying maintenance/or having dd half the time he could not afford his current lifestyle - £700 alone wouldn't cover rent on a 2 bed flat/house, let alone bills, food, and anything for dd/pets. Most people working part time on minimum wage barely have enough (or don't) to pay for necessities at the end of the month let alone have £500 to spend on luxuries.

He would have to significantly up his game both financially and in terms of chores to stay afloat, so you are already hugely subsidising him in both aspects, he is being completely cheeky to want more.

The people that are saying the responses would be different if the sexes are reversed are missing the point for two reasons
1 - when people say finances should be shared more equally to benefit the woman on MN it is almost always a case where the 2 parties contribute fairly to the family (either both work full time but the man happens to have a career that earns significantly more, or man works full time but woman does significantly more chores, including looking after children, which allows the man to work and earn more). In this case, if partner and OP were both working the same amount of hours AND putting the same amount of effort in at home, but she was just in a better paid career you could argue he could ask for a fairer split of income, but he's not doing either. Even taking OP out of the picture, if you don't work full time you can't expect full time pay!

2 - OP is already effectively giving him more - they both pay £700 towards main bills but then she already covers a lot of other things on top - so she's paying a disproportionate amount of family costs. I bet she doesn't have £500 to spend entirely on herself after everything has been paid, so it sounds like he's doing better than her despite putting less (financially and effort wise) in.

also agree with the poster in that I can't see how he's such a great dad and partner if he sits at home gaming while you slave away working 7 days a week, and then pick up after him, doesn't drive, lacks any ambition to get a better paid job or even work full time to support his family, lets you buy him expensive presents like a teenager, and begrudges his partner and child sharing a fun activity together. Can't think of anything less sexy than being with an overgrown teenager.

Sounds like a cocklodger. Get rid of him.

I came here to say exactly this. It’s not that the op and her husband pay £700 a month each and then the op is hogging the rest for herself. Her husband has his own money that he has completely to himself. The op has money to herself after the £700 plus all other expenses that her husband is flaking on. Never mind the household role/chores he’s not partaking in. Unless the op has thousands more per month, sounds like not only is it fair to the husband, he’s actually underpaying the family pot as it is.

I would work out every single expense including bills, expenses for your daughter, birthdays, Christmas etc and then see where you are.
You could see what that actually looks like 50/50 and also on a % split based on your current incomes.

Then have a conversation based on that. Does he want to continue with separate finances or does he want to split expenses.

If he wants more money, he could be working 5 days a week and that would increase the household pot.

Maybe you include hiring a cleaner and splitting that too as you don't have time to keep the house clean and he can't be arsed.

I do think you need to do something OP as resentment will continue to build but I suspect he might have a bit of a shock when he sees the actual outgoings.

I would start paying "his fun money" to a cleaner to do what he's spent years promising to do but hasn't.

He's had years to do his share of the domestic load, but wants you to be the bread winner, main parent and his domestic slave. That doesn't make him worthy of half the income, that makes him a freeloader.

Tell him that he can have some fun money when he bloody earns it (by working more either in the house or out of it).

Only if she was doing something with her time - like housework and childcare - that balanced out the extra hours he was working to earn family money.

Its not family money if the other person isn’t pulling together as a team at all, but sits gaming whilst their partner works - and does the housework!

No, if the situation was reversed. The people of mumsnet would be telling her to get off her playstation and pitch in or work more hours. They wouldn't be excusing doing nowt in the house and whining things aren't fair.

The standard mn position is that both parties deserve equal fun money

Fun is earned by hard work, which is more than half arsing a job outside the home.

Can I come live at yours please !

seems everyone gets looked after. £500 to go shopping wow

Just about sums it up. I mean....... what the actual f#ck?!!

The problem with housework and cleaning it’s subjective
some people just genuinely have different standards and don’t see it as an issue or a priority

does sound like your controlling finances because you think he should do more housework

If he only pays £700 and you cover everything else then he must be able to save something?