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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a money one!!

216 replies

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:35

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 30/09/2023 08:52

I'm trying to work this odd situation out.

Let's say you earn £6k a month and he earns £2k

You both put in Atherley pot £1k for the bills

He only works four days and is expected to run the house on his off days but he doesn't do a good job of it.

As you have more disposable income than him he is now saying that you should give him some of that disposable income!

I think the sensible thing here is for him to work more hours or get a second job and then you both pay more into the pot to have a cleaner

As for him playing on a PlayStation at his age, that alone would make me want to dump him. That's absolutely pathetic.

Tabitha1950s · 30/09/2023 11:50

Can he not help with your side hustle?

Emmaheather · 30/09/2023 19:32

It sounds like this is about more than money to me. Is he lonely? Does he miss you when you are going out with your DD all the time? Do you have time to do things with him?

Joeylove88 · 30/09/2023 21:11

I don't know if this has already been said but you mentioned that you also fund his hobby...so why does he also need the extra money for other things? He gets to go and do the thing he loves and isn't even paying for it so surely no more needs to be said.

Z1hun · 01/10/2023 06:50

He sounds like he wants to be treated like a child.

I would be telling him that he agreed to clean the house which he hasn't done so im hiring a cleaner which has unfortunately used up any money I would have enjoyed spending on you.

Don't be giving him the money outright. That's setting a bad precedent and builds resentment. Anything you spend on him needs to be enjoyed together.

Johnpaulbd4 · 01/10/2023 07:00

Probably on in game purchases for things like fifa points or call of duty points I myself have fallen down that rabbit hole in the past it gets real expensive real fast

Arch9000 · 01/10/2023 08:01

You need to have a serious discussion with him OP. This isn't just about your situation today. Working part time on minimum wage long term means his future earning potential and pension will also be lower and you are building this dynamic in your finances and relationship right through into retirement.

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:08

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being mean. You're a high earner and you're a team, so why leave him out? My partner of 7 years earns over double what I do...we have it in a joint account and he tells me to use it as my own. 4 days office, 1 for at home cleaning as agreed and 2 days off which is the norm. This is your husband, not your mate.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/10/2023 08:18

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:08

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being mean. You're a high earner and you're a team, so why leave him out? My partner of 7 years earns over double what I do...we have it in a joint account and he tells me to use it as my own. 4 days office, 1 for at home cleaning as agreed and 2 days off which is the norm. This is your husband, not your mate.

But you are missing the point the OP’s husband doesn’t act like he’s in a team he spends his “free” time on video games / phone/ computers. Leaving OP working more than full time and doing admin/housework/cleaning. If he used his day to lighten the OP’s load this thread wouldn’t exist. The key part of your post is team you and your husband obviously work as one however the OP and her DH do not and that is causing resentment

YukoandHiro · 01/10/2023 08:22

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:48

@CantFindTheBeat i get this too, that’s why I’m doubting myself. But if he was the high earner and I only worked 4 days a week I’d be making sure the house was sparkling and dinner made etc

Exactly; this is the point. He wants the benefits without putting in his side of the deal. No fucking way.

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:35

What's the problem with him playing video games? There's a whole gaming community, events world wide so I don't understand why him playing the play station is a big deal. Thats his hobby? It's clear he feels left out.

Fabulousdahlink · 01/10/2023 08:38

So, if he believes he's reduced his hours at work to 4 days a week to help you with your hobby, he may feel entitled to of the money he's 'helped' you to earn. Is the issue, that actually that he's just dropped a days work to sit on the playstation ?
Then the answer is simple with you both having seperate finances. Tell him it's absolutely right to talk about this and it needs to be fair. Tally up your outgoings, not just rent and Bill's which he puts in, but the food bills and the holiday payments etc. Include the cost of a cleaner as you both will be too busy working full time.
You already work full time . Your husband can do the same. Then you both pay in exactly half of everything ( sadly his share will be more than now...but he wanted it to be 'fairer' remember) and anything he has left is for him to use as he sees fit- he can start to save for his £3k hobby. You can use your spare cash for whatever you want.So can he. He cant argue with you both working f/t and both paying half the Bill's and both keeping whatever is left for yourselves, it doesnt get fairer than that.
That's exactly how me and hubby work it. It's a simple solution. You will still have more disposable income than him, but he can continue his hobby and or earn more , like you can.

I'd avoid getting into the ' I'm earning more and keeping you' argument, although this appears to be true, as he may well believe he 'gave up' a working day to help you with your income boosting hobby, so feels he's 'entitled' to a share of the profits. However, the deal was to keep house on that day, but his version of that and yours has not panned out. Rather than getting into a blame/shame argument- just stick with 'it isnt working like we both thought' so let's sort it out and make it fairer.
This works for me and my hubby as we both earn roughly the same. Of course we can both plan treats for each other, a weekend away or something special. Sometimes I'm skint so he pays for dinner, or I pay for the gig tickets as a treat as they are his favourite band, but in essence the household management is shared and ALL the joint Bill's are shared equally. His disposable cash is his, mine is mine. Totally equitable. Sounds like this is a fairer was to proceed. I dont agree with 'it's all family money's when theres a clear difference in commitment to earning it. If there was a health issue or childcare issue preventing one of you from working full time, it would be different. It does mean you do your income generating hobby just on your own without his help, but that's fair if you are keeping the income.

Bean83ts · 01/10/2023 08:39

Do you not understand what’s going on?

wife works 5 days a week
husband works 4 days a week
they both put £700 in the bill pot a month.

then the wife works weekends and evenings to provide extra for the family….covers all Christmas, birthdays, holidays and has also given him lots of extras like playsation stuff and money.

man is annoyed that she then spends more money on daughter spending some quality time with her doing it what daughter loves (he refuses to go)

man wants half of that money!!!! Why the hell should she….she’s working probs 20 extra hours a week to fund her daughters hobby and everyone’s nice stuff but he’s jealous and throwing his toys out of the pram because she won’t buy him a 3k guitar 🤦‍♀️ If he wants to fund more then he could go to work an extra day!!! But he seems to want the lifestyle and the money!

Bluemummy79 · 01/10/2023 08:44

I would say go back to full time. I'm in similar position I'm higher wage and work extra on top. I've told dh he needs to start doing OT otherwise there isn't going to be the nice things that we pay extra for.

AnythingBUTnursing · 01/10/2023 09:37

At the end of the day. It is your hard earned money. If he wants disposable income then he needs to pull his finger out and find a way to make some. Your not his mother to provide spending money for him, married or not. No way, that is insane of him to think such. He must have some money left after his share of the bills. You pay your share and more so why would you subsidise another adult. Your offering to include him. He needs to grow up. You keep enjoying yourself. 😉

SD1978 · 01/10/2023 09:37

If he's giving £700 towards the family account- he is keeping all the rest of his salary? Would it be worth putting down in black and white the extras you have to fund that he doesn't? Would he care? These situations are always hard, when on feels there's a disparity. He is t pulling his weight with household things, is working less to allegedly facilitate things- there is no easy answer here for you at all!

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2023 09:51

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:08

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being mean. You're a high earner and you're a team, so why leave him out? My partner of 7 years earns over double what I do...we have it in a joint account and he tells me to use it as my own. 4 days office, 1 for at home cleaning as agreed and 2 days off which is the norm. This is your husband, not your mate.

How is he a team player? He works less, contributes less financially, does nothing in the house and isn't involved in the social activities, even though he's asked every time.

Naunet · 01/10/2023 10:12

Essentially he wants you to pay him for sitting on his arse playing playstation. Nope. If he wants to be a team, he needs to do his fair share.

TurkeyTeethLookAwful · 01/10/2023 11:21

I'm sorry OP but he sounds a total loser:

works part time in a minimum wage job
sits around gaming all day
doesn't drive
doesn't do much in the house
asks for 'pocket money'

PalominoUK · 01/10/2023 11:44

My partner and I are both retired. Ive added all our monthly bills together and worked out what % that is of our individual income. We both put in the same % of our 'income' towards family expenses and the rest is ours to do what we like with.
This worked in my previous relationship too

PalominoUK · 01/10/2023 11:46

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:08

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being mean. You're a high earner and you're a team, so why leave him out? My partner of 7 years earns over double what I do...we have it in a joint account and he tells me to use it as my own. 4 days office, 1 for at home cleaning as agreed and 2 days off which is the norm. This is your husband, not your mate.

How many people truly get 2 days off?

AllstarFacilier · 01/10/2023 15:22

If he’s not pulling his weight with the chores while you work extra, he can go back to full time and earn his treats.

Mememe9898 · 01/10/2023 22:17

Mummyo1 · 01/10/2023 08:08

I'll go against the grain here. I think you're being mean. You're a high earner and you're a team, so why leave him out? My partner of 7 years earns over double what I do...we have it in a joint account and he tells me to use it as my own. 4 days office, 1 for at home cleaning as agreed and 2 days off which is the norm. This is your husband, not your mate.

Have you read the details posted throughout the different pages and her responses?
The guy sounds like a total loser. He works 4 days a week and doesn’t help with the household chores. She works 7 days a week and wants to treat her daughter and he’s moaning about being given a share of it. And why? To buy a £3k guitar that’s hardly critical. My husband earns more than double than what I earn but if I wanted to buy a £3k guitar I wouldn’t throw my toys out of the pram and tell him to buy it for me 🙄 I’d save the money up and buy it myself. It’s hardly an essential item and sounds more like a luxury item.

Mememe9898 · 01/10/2023 22:20

PalominoUK · 01/10/2023 11:46

How many people truly get 2 days off?

Show quote history

This person prob doesn’t have kids or kids are grown up and left the house.
With my 2 young kids, we never get two days off 😅😂 if anything it’s far more intense than a work day 😵‍💫

Daneeyell · 01/10/2023 22:24

no way, if he wants something he needs to save, you already do more gousework then tour meant to and pay alot more then him that benefits him like the food shop, Christmas birthdays etc. you deserve to have some downtime to yourself and with your dd.
I think your setting a good example to her and I think you deserve a spa day to yourself 😉

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