It’s a money one!!

[TheLizardQueen]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

@rwalker I don’t see it as controlling finances. I just think I work hard, much more than DH and I resent that he wants a cut of what I spend on DD for himself when he doesn’t pull his weight. He wants more money from me for doing very little around the house, when I’m the one working my ass off to give us a better lifestyle. He wants for nothing (except a £3k guitar!) I dont see why I should fund this. He has his own money, I ask for nothing towards holidays, Christmas or birthdays. AND he works part time to allow me to work every day by doing the housework, which he doesn’t actually do. He has no savings for emergencies whereas I do and I’m not prepared to spend this all on his hobby.

OP you know he is taking the piss.

If you could only do your job because he had gone part time, and he had taken on running the household I might see his point to a degree - and even then I’d have limited sympathy because he has £500 a month to spend on himself and doesn’t really pay half because he’s not contributing to all the extras like Christmas presents.

But that’s not the case here. His 4 day week is so he can spend a day sitting on his arse, not doing the housework to provide indispensable support to your job.

@DelurkingLawyer this is how I feel, thank you!

Sorry but wanting to buy something for £3k and having no means to fund it, yet expecting your spouse to do so just isn’t real life. That makes it seem very much like he sees himself as your financial dependent. As your DD is 16 and he doesn’t actually pull his weight at home properly, I don’t see why he couldn’t be and isn’t working FULL time? As you say, you’re not exactly rolling in it. AND you do already contribute a significant amount more based on what you’ve said. He might send you £700 for bills but you don’t split everything 50:50 based on what you’ve said. My DH out earns me by £100k(!) but I still pay 30% of our bills and half of all other expenses because I’m not his child.

Don't see how posters see this any different than a DH keeping money from his wife as he doesn't think she cleans enough

@Mouldyfoodhelp i am not keeping any money from him. He wants for nothing!

Obviously how you choose to do your finances is your businesses but in a marriage I feel it should be equal.

You say he has £500 but doesn't contribute to anything else but let's say he did he may have £50 left so just for my ideal ( I haven't read the most recent updates to see If you've said how much you have) then let's say you have £750 normally it should be £400 each and your biggest issue seems to be he isn't doing chores so seems you're trying to punish him.

Earnings are often elastic due to unforeseen circumstances. Would you be happy if you had something happen where you couldn't earn and only got benefits and be told after your share of the bills you have £10 left to spend as you haven't pulled your weight?

He wants more then HE goes out and earns it just like YOU do. He wants you to do the work for him and he just get given it

No way, he doesn’t go shirt my any means and it’s not YOUR problem he hasn’t got as much as YOU

No No No

This.

If he was a sahp to small children enabling you to work to earn for the family it would be a very different scenario. But he isn’t. He’s tossing it off working part time, not doing any more in the home with a nearly adult dd who certainly doesn’t need a babysitter AND begrudging said dd quality hobby time with her dm because he ‘wants his share’. He’s a disgrace.

If the woman was sat at home with a nearly adult child complaining about lack of funds, when they already contribute less, don’t do more housework and they had the option to do more hours but were choosing not to there would be no difference. Particularly if said woman was begrudging that nearly adult child the hobby they have with their dm while at the same time refusing to join in.

There would be a huge difference if a woman was at home taking care of small children and maintaining the home to enable her dh to work and did not have access to equal finances.

I can see the argument that he should be entitled to equal amounts of spending money as you. And this is often stated where women's DH is the higher earner and spends more money on himself. The issue is about the unequal leisure time. So my suggestion would be to say to him that that you need work out how to share household tasks more equally so that you both have equal amounts of leisure time and then you would be open to having equal spending money between you (although that would take his hobby expenses into account). If he consistently has more leisure time because he's not stepping up as an equal partner then I would say it's reasonable for you to be compensated for the loss of that time with more money to spend on yourself and DD.

Ok so putting the extra job aside you have a FT job 5 days a week (e.g. 37.5hrs and he works 30)

I think most people find money is joint so both of your incomes go into the pot and everything that comes out and for those that have some left over it is split between the 2 for fun money,
You work 5 days a week he works 4
So you could argue that the house and life admin is split equally but on his NWD he should do the weekly food shop, change the beds and cook dinner that evening for example,

We don't do things via chores but by daily requirements and then you list life admin as and when e.g. buying birthday gifts and cards for the month, sorting out car stuff, house insurance

You then work evenings and weekends to bring in c 10k my thought would be if he wants to benefit from your extra hours in the form of money then there should be additional rebalance of things to enable you to work and thus he is contributing to your success. If this is not happening then .... request denied

But also I do feel that just because you are choosing to work evenings and weekends he should still have his downtime and not have to do chores all the time you are working so a fair and reasonable balance so you both have some joy and relax time.

So generally I side with you especially as you do try to include him. I don't think he should benefit from your extra work if he isn't contributing to it in some way.

YANBU

Tough one. He either needs to go full time or he needs to pull his weight house work wise.

Maybe ask him what his spare money goes on, awkward yes but me and my DP have had to have the same conversation to make it fair for us both in our house.

He works full time, I’m very part time, he does hardly any housework but we came to this agreement as I stay home with our DS during the day and I work evenings so we don’t pay for child care. I pay about £300 less into our joint bills per month. (My evening job hourly rate is very high) He has slightly more spending money than I do per month but he understands that so agreed to pay for my car insurance this year (as I write that I realise I’m blessed)

this said, we BOTH contribute to DS birthday and Xmas gifts. It’s unfair he doesn’t pay anything towards your DDs and that got to me a bit, even more so if he has £500 a month spare. First question is where is they going? Does he need it for something and the end of the month is really tight or is it going on FIFA and the next call of duty?!

the financials in your house don’t sound fair so sounds like you need a chat. No you shouldn’t give your man child husband an allowance to buy a guitar, but he should be able to save for it so where his money is going is probably the first question

This! Plus if you were working equal hours but he was just a lower earner it might be slightly different but a man who sat on his arse while I was working all the hours you do would give me the serious ick. I’d say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Ground him and take his PlayStation of him lol
you work hard and he doesn’t want to go. So if he wants extra money he could always pick up an weekend job . Scrounger that he is . And if he isn’t happy he knows where the door is

So he wants almost a third of your earnings from your SECOND job? What a fucker.

That’s so wrong but hilarious 😆

Simple, if he wants more money, he works more / or does All the chores you discussed previously.
You currently have more disposable money than him as you work a lot more than him, by right he should also be contributing towards the gigs for your daughter as at the moment you seem to be paying for all her entertainment when he is also a parent.

I guess if he leaves you he may be better off ?

I would work out, taking DD and the gigs out of it, how much extra you pay a month compared to him. I would then suggest that he contribute to a portion of that as it seems that you pay 2/3rds to his 1/3rd - if that.
If he expects more money from the pot he needs to put more into it....therefore perhaps he could work more or find something that earns money in the evenings and weekends as you have...after all he isn't busy doing the housework or cooking.
My DH and I shared all of our income when I worked part time and he full time, long hours. But...I did all the housework, all the cooking and cleaning and took on all the mental load.

I’m torn.. his behaviour is shit I agree. BUT you are married and therefore your earnings should be pooled- both of you, all money into one pot. Then essentials paid and then the rest split between you. There should be some budget for family outings etc. He can choose to come or not. I don’t think you should just give him money but instead reorganise your finances so that all income is pooled. And then you need to ensure it’s a fair split in terms of workload. If he is part time to pick up extra load at home so you can work, that needs to be stuck to or he goes back full time and you pay someone to do the chores. It may seem unfair to you but If you’re married there’s no point in having separate finances and the legal expectation is that you are considered one unit.

Not if he's working part-time and leaving domestic duties to his wife

He needs to work FT and contribute fully to the household. He isn't a SAHP. Your child is 16 and not a baby. He needs to earn more in order to have savings.

I think my vagina self-sealed at this point.

Your financial arrangements have unwittingly left you now in some kind of mother role - you're here comparing how much you spend on taking your daughter to gigs vs buying PlayStation games for your husband...and now he's asking for extra pocket money to make things "fair" with how much you spend on your DD? This is just so unsexy I don't know how you manage. He must equally feel totally infantilised by this arrangement as well, surely. This "separate but not separate" financial setup has created a strange power imbalance.

He needs to step up at home, and work more. But you need to review your finances as equals. Unless he's happy essentially being a cocklodger.

So if a woman doesn't work or works PT then she has to do all domestic duties or the DH can say she gets no spare money?