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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a money one!!

216 replies

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:35

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 29/09/2023 16:28

If he wants to share money - then you share money and put all in together, and out of his money he has to pay for a cleaner if he doesn't want to do housework.

then you both get pocket money and you both get the same - only he has a portion of his already ear marked for the cleaner..

Spambod · 29/09/2023 16:29

You are married so it is up to you how you divide up chores and finances but i find your set up odd and one sided. He pays 50% for basic utilities and works part time and you pay and do everything else. You only earn more as you put in another full time job on top while working for your business.
He is leaning on you very hard financially and for all the housework.
I think you need to sit down and write out what the family bills are and ask him to pay his fair half, including food, petrol etc. He is saving a fortune while you are paying for all of this.
He then also needs to do his half of all the housework etc.
If he wants you to give him pocket money it sounds like he needs to seriously pull his socks up and pay his fair share and do his fair share which he most certainly is not doing at the moment.

GarkandGookin · 29/09/2023 16:30

Tell him you are spending his share on a cleaner and the charges for a shopping delivery every week.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/09/2023 16:32

Goldbar · 29/09/2023 15:05

Part of the issue I guess is that the DH isn't really a very core part of the family:

  • He contributes very little of the money.
  • He doesn't do his fair share of the chores.
  • He doesn't spend much time with the DD.
  • He spends his leisure time gaming and doing stuff separately from the rest of the family.

So there's a core family unit of the OP and her DD and he's on the periphery floating around it and not interacting much with it or contributing much towards it. He pays for services and accommodation from the core in the form of the £700 per month contribution, but that's it. Sort of like a lodger.

So given he's not really part of the "core" family, no wonder the OP is bemused at suggestions that the core should fund his solitary hobbies.

Yes, this is how it struck me.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 29/09/2023 16:34

So he only makes £700 a month? How can he not save to buy what he wants if the only contributes £700 a month to the household?

BambiSkate · 29/09/2023 16:41

Op have you actually gone through your spending for the last year to work out how much spare you had just for YOU?

Seems like he has £500 free and clear every single month from his own wage -that he doesn't even use on his hobbies or your DD. You buy him everything he asks for for hobbies/clothes/presents and cover all your DDs costs? How much do you actually get?

Because unless you are on a really high wage I think it sounds like your 'D'H is already taking more than half of the disposable income you have between the two of you once household and child expenses are removed from both of your incomes.

This is before we even get to the issue of unequal leisure time and him not pulling his weight in the house.

Longdarkcloud · 29/09/2023 16:42

Given his propensity for gaming has this overlapped into gambling? That would explain why his £500 spends aren’t enough to save for a guitar. The man doesn’t even buy his own clothes.

ItsdefnotmeItsyou · 29/09/2023 16:59

No. My Partner works more than me and earns a lot more than me, but I do majority housework and childcare bits. So, time wise we probably do about the same amount of ‘work’, although most of mine unpaid work. But, He puts more into the household bills etc though. Which basically balances it out. And I wouldn’t expect him to be doing any considerable amount of housework as well as paying for most of the household. So why should you. If he spent lots of his money doing things he enjoyed that I didn’t want to do i.e. fishing I would not expect him to just give me the equivalent amount because it’s ‘not fair’. That’s bizarre. He must have his own disposable income after his £700 towards the bills. That’s what he gets to do the things he wants. It still sounds like even if he did all the housework and actually pulled his weight, you’re still disadvantaged with your time and all the extra you do, especially as he doesn’t drive and can’t contribute to that sort of thing, you’re always gonna be doing more than him, as we as contributing considerably more. Not BU!!

DragonFly98 · 29/09/2023 17:09

No we works 7 as you said he picks up the slack while you work.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 29/09/2023 17:32

No we works 7 as you said he picks up the slack while you work.

Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

And the daughter is 16 - it's not like there's childcare required.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/09/2023 17:33

Longdarkcloud · 29/09/2023 16:42

Given his propensity for gaming has this overlapped into gambling? That would explain why his £500 spends aren’t enough to save for a guitar. The man doesn’t even buy his own clothes.

This is a good insight. Sudden desire for significant more money is a sign of gambling issues.

Holly03 · 29/09/2023 17:36

No he can earn that 3k working full time. You earn for your hobby, he earns for his, would he like it if you had a 3k thing you wanted and asked him to fund it.

varywary · 29/09/2023 17:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:55

Exactly.

Once my fair share of bills are paid, no one gets to decide what I do with my money but me.

Show quote history

Unless you divorce, in which case the law might see it differently. We all think it won't happen to us until it does.
It's all well and good to have this 'his money' and 'my money' attitude so long as things are going well and you are the higher earner - but the law won't agree with you if things go tits up.
If you are the higher earner and want to make sure you are the only person who ever has a say in how your money is spent, don't get married.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 29/09/2023 17:40

I'll say the same I say every time

You need a spreadsheet of finances, house chores and earnings.

You both add whatever you think needs to be acknowledged and then, when fully informed, you discuss changes you both agree to.

As it is you are both probably being a bit selfish and need to reconnect

Shry · 29/09/2023 17:40

Why don't you allocate each of you a budget for personal use each month? My OH and I get £200 each to spend on whatever we want. If we are broke or saving for something then we reduce it to £100 or whatever for that month but we still both get the same.

Everything else is treated as family expenses. I suppose that only works if you dont have a "my money and his money" sort of system though. Ive never really understood why some couples do that and how it works without it being unfair to someone or creating conflict about what is fair and what isn't.

I don't know if i'd say you were being intentionally unreasonable because this is the system you guys have always done, but I do think the financial situation is unfair towards your DH.

LifeExperience · 29/09/2023 17:44

The only fair division in a marriage is for each partner to have an equal amount of money and time. Since he can't be arsed to be fair with regards to time, you have the right to be equally unfair with money.

Aishah231 · 29/09/2023 18:30

No OP you shouldn't give the lazy arse more of your hard earned cash. You're paying for experiences with your daughter. How many times has he paid for trips out etc for her. I suspect the answer is never or rarely. Ask him for half the cost of the tickets as it shouldn't be just you paying for these kind of things. One partner working part time only works of they make up for it in other ways - doesn't sound like he is at all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 18:35

varywary · 29/09/2023 17:37

Unless you divorce, in which case the law might see it differently. We all think it won't happen to us until it does.
It's all well and good to have this 'his money' and 'my money' attitude so long as things are going well and you are the higher earner - but the law won't agree with you if things go tits up.
If you are the higher earner and want to make sure you are the only person who ever has a say in how your money is spent, don't get married.

Show quote history

I'm well aware that divorce is a possibility and I think that overall, the law should be the law to protect vulnerable women.

Divorce takes time though and it would still be my money in my account to do as I please with during that time.

TheBabylonian · 29/09/2023 18:57

OP, you either share finances and split the surplus after joint bills 50-50, or you split finances according to income so if he earns 20% of the joint income then he pays only 20% of the joint bills.

Otherwise you end up in this mess you see now.

If he had a heart attack or stroke and could no longer work would you still expect £700 a month from him when he had no income? And the same applies the other way around too.

Nevermind31 · 29/09/2023 19:04

he is affording himself more leisure time than you. He is not doing more in the household or childcare.
so things are not equal.
so take his income, and then calculate how much he would earn doing 7 days (as that is what you are doing). The salary he is not earning on those three days his his leisure money, plus the £500. It is his choice to work less, and he hasn’t been set back in his career looking after the household, children, or enabling you to work.
do you have that much leisure money (don’t include daughter’s gift tickets and expenses in this), taking his other hobbies into consideration?

Daleksatemyshed · 29/09/2023 20:41

If he worked 4 days so he could do housework and childcare, fair enough, but their DD is a teenager and he doesn't pull his weight with housework. He doesn't pay half the expenses either. I'd do a spreadsheet Op and include all the extras you pay for then split it 50/50

Mamma2017 · 30/09/2023 07:10

DH is a freeloading cf. Works part time, no young child to look after, does nothing around the house or no household admin, hardly contributes to core household finances and wants pocket money. Ew.

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 08:07

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:40

@RedSquirrelsRock thank you, I thought I was being mean and unreasonable, I appreciate your input :)

Tell your NVDH to either go back to five days a week work or get another job and then he'll have money for his own "gigs". He sounds like a spoiled, entitled, bratty teenager whining about "not fair" while not doing his fair share around the house. He also sounds like a lot of work......

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 08:44

Mouldyfoodhelp · 26/09/2023 19:16

Feel like these responses are strange if OP was the one not having money and her DH was going to football ( lots of football!) She'd be told he's financially abusive and that it's not right he has so much for his hobbies whilst she goes without and it's wrong that he probably expects her to do stuff whilst going to football and he doesn't understand how much work staying at home is and to tidy every day. And this has been said to women who's children are at school/ older also.

The situation you describe:

The wife has 500 pounds of her own money, not for food or anything else plus is given 500 pounds as spending money for a day out with her DD, anytime she wants, doesn't do much housework, works 4 days to the husband's seven and the kvetches she wants half of her DH's money...

I think you are wrong that many would call the DH financially abusive. A few would because there are always "a few". But most would tell her she has more personal money a month than most do for food and extras and quit bitching. Especially if she was spending it ALL on herself and DH was providing ALL the money for time out with DD. FFS

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 08:49

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 19:38

@BetterWithPockets i probably spend more on DD, but I did buy him an E-bike and any time he needs cycling stuff I pay for, as well as PS games etc

Whatever you do, do not allow him unfettered access to your money. He will bankrupt you in three months time.

He needs to get off his lazy, entitled butt and go back to work full-time or get another job so he works as many hours as you do.

The people whinging "Poor DH...if it was the other way around, blah, blah, blah" are full of it and just enjoy being contrary or oppositional. YOur DH is being totally unreasonable and he knows it. He just wants to extort some money so he can buy yet another toy that is "just for him" and won't benefit the family at all.