It’s a money one!!

[TheLizardQueen]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

Prime mumsnet responses. If the shoe was on the other foot everyone would be raging over the husband being financially abusive by holding back "family money".

So what does he do with what he has left from his pay ? Surely that’s his to spend on what he likes

i agree with you
tell him to pull his weight with the household chores and not just the ones he wants to do
also tell him if he wants more money than what he has at the end of the month then
get another job , like you have !

that's why you get to do your gigs - by extra work

I don't see the need for the husband to receive £700 each time OP goes to a gig and spends the same, but equally I do think he should be able to do activities with his daughter out of the family funds, whoever that money comes from.

I'd say that whichever way round the scenario was.

Not on MN (unless of course it’s the bloke earning more).

Op's DH works pt though and sounds as if he's doing less in housework etc than Op! He's working 4 days per week and spending his spare time on his PS. She's working 7 days per week but making time to do much more than her share of housework!

@LucieLemon absolutely agree with this, he went shopping to the city with her last month and I gave them £500 to spend. He just doesn’t like going to gigs, or anything much else to be honest. He’d rather stay home. It’s a shame because he misses so much, she’s great company. I love it when they do spend time together, and I stay at home so they can have some time just with the two of them, but sadly it doesn’t happen very often. I am very generous. He never does without, ever. But he wants to buy a £3k guitar and expects me to fund it. I don’t know what he does with the money left over from his wage, I don’t ask.

Feel like these responses are strange if OP was the one not having money and her DH was going to football ( lots of football!) She'd be told he's financially abusive and that it's not right he has so much for his hobbies whilst she goes without and it's wrong that he probably expects her to do stuff whilst going to football and he doesn't understand how much work staying at home is and to tidy every day. And this has been said to women who's children are at school/ older also.

So OP's money should be family money but her partner's money is just for him? Surely they either have separate finances or they don't?

(To be clear, I'm not keen on separate finances at all, but it's the arrangement OP and her partner apparently want to have.)

Isn't it entirely possible that if he's working 4 days a week he doesn't have that much money left?

He’s left with around £500 per month. I dont know where it all goes to be honest!

The problem seems to be neither of you have a clear concept of 'joint' money vs your own money.

You need to decide whether you have shared finances or not. If you share finances you need to put everything in a pot and both have the same amount left each month after all bills/costs. If it's separate DH needs to go back to work FT and split cleaner cost and save for his guitar himself.

If he's working 4 days and only giving you £700 he must have money he can save?

Sorry I missed that. He must be able to save with that.

I feel like he can’t have it both ways - either your finances are separate and he funds his guitar from his own money after you both contribute £700, or your finances are pooled, your labour is pooled (which means he pulls his finger out on the house admin) and you get equal spending money.
In the more common situation that the woman works fewer hours/earns less they are usually contributing the bulk of the unpaid labour that keeps the family ticking over. I’m all for equal spends but only if there is equivalent effort!

How much was his xbox and games? And WiFi costs to use it?

Idle git. Tell him to work more if he wants more.

This scenario reminds me a bit of when a friend of mine offered to buy a girl a drink and she said, "No thanks, but I'll have the cash" 😭

OP, if you’re already funding his hobby, then aren’t you giving him the equivalent of what you’re doing with/for your daughter?

I'm so confused when people say in threads like these "he's a good partner and father", when the lazy DH I has reduced his hours, spends all his time playing man-games, doesn't keep his end of the agreement by doing the household stuff and resents money being spent on his own his DD. Doesn't sound much of a man to me!

@BetterWithPockets i probably spend more on DD, but I did buy him an E-bike and any time he needs cycling stuff I pay for, as well as PS games etc

I don't think you're being unreasonable but due to the way you do things, he can't see that you're being very reasonable, if that makes sense.

If you added up all the monthly bills, incl food, clothing etc and then both put in proportionate amounts relating to income - it's likely he'd be in the same position unless you earn way way more than him. It could be that rather than give him money, he puts less into the monthly family pot.

It's great that you can afford gigs with your daughter and it's sad it's something he's not interested in but that doesn't mean he gets the equivalent to do what he likes - that just makes him sound like a sulky child.

I think you need to sit down and go through all your outgoings incl the joint bills. If at the end of the day he has a good amount pm to do with as he likes, it's up to him to save if he wants something expensive. You're not a cash cow.

So your Dh cut his hours and is earning less while not pulling his weight in the house.
You have increased your hours by having a small business that brings in extra money on days you aren't in your regular job, and you get to do all the jobs in the home he hasn't/won't do.
He now wants money off you for working less and doing less. He's got a brass neck.
He's trying to morph himself into a cock lodger.

He's jealous, selfish and lazy. Tell him to get bent.

I'm in a not too dissimilar situation to you OP, I work and have a side business that's starting to take off. Our kids are younger and my life is relentless right now with main job and the extra stuff.

DP has gone part time and asked me for a cut, I just laughed at him. Because it is fucking ridiculous when the person who earns more, pays for more, does more domestic labour is then expected to fund spending money for someone who went part time through choice.

Also, don't listen to the "family money" brigade... Its a great solution for many families but not for all.

Family money means you both have equal spending money. All the women whose DH's earn ££££ get told they have the right to equal money.

He’s behaving like another child, not your partner. I think separate finances in a marriage is a bit odd but it’s what you have agreed so he doesn’t get ‘his fair share’ of your money, that’s clearly not how it works.