It’s a money one!!

[TheLizardQueen]

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

Ew this guy gives me the ick and I really don’t know how you can suffer it. I’d be asking him why he thinks he’s your second child? He’s basically whining saying, ‘she gets more than me not fair’. Tell him to grow a set and get his arse out to work some more if he wants to be able to have the same money as someone who works 7 day a week

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Sounds like a lazy manchild. I wouldnt put up with it...

surely if your paying all the food which would be a min of £4k a year, Christmas and birthday say 1k a year, car and maintenance and petrol min 2k a year, clothes for everyone is got to be a minimum of 1k a year that alone is a minimum of probably 8-10k a year. So it seems that all your extra money is actually spent on the household anyway so if he has spare monies (£500 a month) why are you having to then spend your spare from your main job on him when he spends his on what ever he likes?

My thoughts are that if you are in a marriage then all money that comes in is joint, there shouldn’t be his or hers. However that model only works if both parties are putting in the effort for the family unit including both paid and unpaid(house and life maintenance) work. It sounds to me like he is not happy with the current setup so I would suggest you sit down and discuss how things should change going forward. Maybe it’s time for him to go back to full time work to get extra into the coffers so you can all enjoy your hobbies and recreational activities without resenting each other, and go back to sharing the housework as it sounds like you are easily doing half anyway? Going to be honest but if I was working 4 days and doing all the housework to enable my partner to work a full time job and have a side hustle I would also feel a bit put out if I didn’t get to enjoy the extra money coming I as well!!

@MrsZargon the OP has said, very clearly in her first post, that he is not doing all the housework

Yes hence my point that the model only works if both people are putting in the effort!

@MrsZargon you said you'd feel put out if you didn't benefit from the extra money!

And anyway it sounds as though OP's DH reduced his hours as he's a lazy arse, not to enable her to work more hours

You already fund his hobby, what more does he want?

Yes I would be annoyed if I didn’t benefit from the extra money coming in! I’m assuming that from her OH’s point of view he feels that he is doing the agreed less hours at work and more housework. If he isn’t actually doing what he’s agreed to do that is a separate conversation! He is her husband not her child and this notion everyone seems to have of cutting off his allowance is petty and childish!

So whilst it's suited him to have separate finances he's been for it. And your extra hours that have enabled him to drop hours haven't turned into a fairer division of labour.
And now he wants to negotiate increased funds for himself in isolation whilst you work additional hours.
Have you thought about dropping your working days to absorb your extra money so you get more free time out of your office job and then match his income?
No you might not have the nice expendable income any more but you'll have time to balance you life better.
And that lazy grunt can go and whistle.

Sorry but yes shared finances are a good thing most of the time. And of course we should have budgets for both partners but he can't just decide now that he wants equity in this. You are carrying him. And that can't carry on.
Serious discussion needed on what partnership is. You've already enabled him to go part time whilst you work two jobs. He needs a kicj up the butt.

He's not a good dad and partner though is he ? He doesn't pull his weight financially or around the house hes deadweight

Tell him no. And say I’ve also been thinking it was best you went back to 5 days as you don’t do much of what was agreed. So that 5th day will let chip in more to the house and holidays and spending money for yourself .
He's lazy and entitled .

Oh and get a cleaner abs he pays .
the write down what’s needs doing and who does what .

She is working 7 days for extra money and spending most of that and her free time on their dd . Also she pays for all the extras while he sits on his arse at nights and weekends .

This is a joke . If he worked 4 days and the house and admin was all sorted. Then yeah maybe but should he not spend time and effort on his dd and with his wife .
Also he has spare money to do what he likes .
Can’t believe anyone thinks a Family runs on £700 a month with a child and nice life .

If Op leaves what will he do then. ?

If he was actually working round the house doing housework as well as his 4 days at work he might have a point. But if he just works part time then sits on his arse he needs to get abetter job or take on more hours if he wants the same disposable income as you. Be different if he were caring for young kids whilst you were at work but your child is 16 and it sounds like you do anything she needs doing as well so... he's having an absolute laugh.
And I say that as the low earner in a marriage who used to be a SAHM. Of course you share finances but you also share the workload. And my DH would never dream of questioning what I spend on our children like I should also spend that on him... ridiculous

Why do you ‘get’ that. It’s not reasonable. He’s behaving like a sulky sibling to your child, not as her father. Sounds like you could easily manage on your own without him!