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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a money one!!

216 replies

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 18:35

DH and I have been together for over 20 years, one DD (16) While we have never been rich but we have always managed, but no spare cash for anything. Anyway, 10 years ago I started earning money from my hobby, around £10k per year. I still work in an office Tuesday - Friday then weekends and evenings are taken up with my self employed job. When my business started to take off DH also went down to working 4 days (office job, minimum wage) This was agreed by both of us so that whilst I’m working all weekend and evenings he would be responsible for the housework, admin, cooking, cleaning etc.
To the point… my DD and I have a great relationship and we love going to gigs (lots of gigs!) together. I spend a lot of money on this but it’s the first time I’ve been able to afford to do this and I work really hard so I deserve to treat us. DH announces tonight that he wants the equivalent of what I spend on gigs to be put in account for him as it’s “not fair” I always ask if he wants to come with us but it’s always a no.

I really resent this but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. Our finances have always been separate. He gives me £700 per month for bills, and I put £700. But I pay for all the food shopping, petrol, holidays, Christmas, birthdays, days out, car repairs, house repairs, vet bills, clothes for everyone, all of the driving DD everywhere (DH doesn’t drive), driving lessons for DD, and everything else!! Which is fair because I am the high earner BUT the promises of taking over housework etc hasn’t came to fruition, he does the washing, ironing, and we cook together each day. I do everything else including food shopping, admin, cleaning, hoovering, etc. my house is not cleaned as often as I would like because I don’t have the time (or energy)

I think he is jealous of the time and money I spend on my DD and wants his share, which I get, but he’s not pulling his weight in household chores and he works 4 days a week when I work my ass off 7 days a week and most evenings whilst he sits on his PlayStation. He never wants for anything. It feels really nice to be able to spend money on DD and I doing something we both love but he’s making me feel terrible about it.

So… what would you do? Is it fair for me to give him the same as what I spend on gig tickets? I really can’t afford to, and I really feel like telling him if he wants more money he should go back to working full time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ariela · 29/09/2023 14:48

When you work 7 days a week, of course you can spend your excess earnings on going to your own gigs etc. That's if you have time between all the extra chores that is.

Hecatoncheires · 29/09/2023 14:54

OP, your DH has had it so good for so long that he doesn't see it any more. YANBU to not hand over the equivalent of the gig money. Shame on him for thinking that you should. Please don't let him guilt you into feeling bad for doing fun things with your DD or put a stop to it. Apart from the unfairness of it, think what a message you would be sending to your daughter - her dad's sulking carries more weight than the relationship/bond between you and her.

varywary · 29/09/2023 14:56

God, not another of these 'we are married but pretend that our finances are separate' threads.

If you're married, all money is family money. What is the point of being married otherwise?

All is shared, and you both get to spend a reasonable amount on doing things you like doing, once all necessary expenses are covered. If you both work, you share the cleaning etc, or pay someone else to do it. If one of you works more, the other does more cleaning etc.

If one of you wants a big luxury item, that gets discussed and it's a joint decision. If one of you has said luxury item, the other should have something similar.

towriteyoumustlive · 29/09/2023 14:56

TheLizardQueen · 26/09/2023 19:15

@LucieLemon absolutely agree with this, he went shopping to the city with her last month and I gave them £500 to spend. He just doesn’t like going to gigs, or anything much else to be honest. He’d rather stay home. It’s a shame because he misses so much, she’s great company. I love it when they do spend time together, and I stay at home so they can have some time just with the two of them, but sadly it doesn’t happen very often. I am very generous. He never does without, ever. But he wants to buy a £3k guitar and expects me to fund it. I don’t know what he does with the money left over from his wage, I don’t ask.

The language in this post doesn't bode well.

"I gave them..."

"I am very generous..."

"expects me to fund it..."

The language you use makes it sound not a very equal partnership.

I think you and your DH need to have a sit down and discuss finances. The two of you should have equal amounts of free cash each month to do what you want with (money to spend on your DD should be kept separate, and it shouldn't just be you paying to take her out) but he should also be pulling is weight more as you working 7 days and him 4, with you also doing most the household stuff certainly isn't equal.

Jl2014 · 29/09/2023 14:56

Absolutely no chance. Tell him to do one.

Mememe9898 · 29/09/2023 15:04

We have separate money and if I was asked to fund a £3k guitar I’d tell him to get knotted 😅
Thankfully my husband is the higher earner but if I asked him for £3k he would tell me to get knotted too.
That kind of purchase should be done by saving your own money than expecting your partner to cough up that money.

Goldbar · 29/09/2023 15:05

Part of the issue I guess is that the DH isn't really a very core part of the family:

  • He contributes very little of the money.
  • He doesn't do his fair share of the chores.
  • He doesn't spend much time with the DD.
  • He spends his leisure time gaming and doing stuff separately from the rest of the family.

So there's a core family unit of the OP and her DD and he's on the periphery floating around it and not interacting much with it or contributing much towards it. He pays for services and accommodation from the core in the form of the £700 per month contribution, but that's it. Sort of like a lodger.

So given he's not really part of the "core" family, no wonder the OP is bemused at suggestions that the core should fund his solitary hobbies.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:09

varywary · 29/09/2023 14:56

God, not another of these 'we are married but pretend that our finances are separate' threads.

If you're married, all money is family money. What is the point of being married otherwise?

All is shared, and you both get to spend a reasonable amount on doing things you like doing, once all necessary expenses are covered. If you both work, you share the cleaning etc, or pay someone else to do it. If one of you works more, the other does more cleaning etc.

If one of you wants a big luxury item, that gets discussed and it's a joint decision. If one of you has said luxury item, the other should have something similar.

Because married people are still their own people?

We have separate finances too. I'd refuse to be with someone who expected it all in one pot.

bonzaitree · 29/09/2023 15:15

Time to have a relationship/ money overhaul

Him working 4 days a week isn’t working, so he needs to go back to 5 days asap.

If he objects, keep a list of every job you do over the course of a month. Tell him he has to take 80% of those jobs in order to remain on 4 days. If he doesn’t want to do that then he needs to increase his hours.

Money wise - you’re married so everything needs to be paid into one joint account. All the bills are paid out of this account then you each get allotted « spends » that you can spend on whatever- meal out, unnecessary clothes, hobbies, and your concert tickets.

BUT that system only works if you’re both pulling your weight.

Ęcosie · 29/09/2023 15:28

Christ, you need to be tapping him up for more money. He lives for £160 approx perweek all in!!! Can I live with you?

MotherOfLunatics · 29/09/2023 15:29

@Graciebobcat an AIBU thread is literally asking for opinions, therefore I've given mine.

Ęcosie · 29/09/2023 15:31

You must be adding £500 a month on top of the 700 you both put in. Sister, you need to do an excel sheet and put it under his nose, if he doesn't like it you can afford to dump him

varywary · 29/09/2023 15:37

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:09

Because married people are still their own people?

We have separate finances too. I'd refuse to be with someone who expected it all in one pot.

Show quote history

True that they are still their own people. But once you've got children, you're not two separate people. I suspect there's more chance of a marriage actually working if the two people in it are willing to operate as a unit, rather than nit-picking about who has paid for what, and who earns more than the other.

hylian · 29/09/2023 15:38

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:45

Ultimately OP, you are bringing in family money to the family coffers.

Therefore, if DH prefers to spend his on different things for his downtime, then he should have access to it.

I don't necessarily like it, but if the roles were reversed this would be the expectation .

I was thinking this too.

If roles were reversed and OP was a man, the responses would be very different.

I believe that in a marriage, 'leisure money' should be shared equally regardless of who is the higher earner. Both should have access to the same amount of money for hobbies, frivolity etc.

Of course, some of the money for gig tickets is going on their daughter, so that shouldn't be taken from OP's share. That's a separate pot.

He should definitely be contributing more to the house as he has more time, but one thing shouldn't be dependent on the other. That's a separate conversation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:43

varywary · 29/09/2023 15:37

True that they are still their own people. But once you've got children, you're not two separate people. I suspect there's more chance of a marriage actually working if the two people in it are willing to operate as a unit, rather than nit-picking about who has paid for what, and who earns more than the other.

Show quote history

We absolutely still are separate people despite the fact that we have a DC and another one on the way.

It totally depends on the marriage. DH and I don't nitpick, we pay our fair share of bills and then we know what is left in our individual accounts belong to us, there's nothing to nitpick about.

roarrfeckingroar · 29/09/2023 15:45

Oh he can get in the sea. You only earn £10k more and yet pay for so much more. You're doing things with your daughter, not just you. He's also not pulling his weight. Ugh what a dick.

VWdieselnightmare · 29/09/2023 15:48

One partner has considerably more free spends than the other.

So is your DH only taking home £700pm for working four days a week, OP? Because if so he needs to find another job. If as I suspect he's earning considerably more than that, what's he doing with the rest? Presumably he relies on you to transport him around in your car, using your fuel, when it suits him. Perhaps he needs to work a few evenings a week in order to be able to afford his hobby. Cycling? He wouldn't be the first spouse I've heard of, expecting the cost of a new bike to come out of family money.

RedPony1 · 29/09/2023 15:50

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:09

Because married people are still their own people?

We have separate finances too. I'd refuse to be with someone who expected it all in one pot.

Show quote history

Agreed!!

I don't work hard and earn good money to then have to have a discussion over whether or not i can buy a large purchase. As long as my % of bills is paid, i'm buying what i want with the rest of my money, no discussion required.

GabriellaMontez · 29/09/2023 15:51

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 18:48

That doesn't matter, @DonaNobisPacem

One partner has considerably more free spends than the other.

If this was the wife going 'without', the answers would be different,

I don't agree with it, but I would address the potentially lazy DH rather than the money.

Not if the wife only worked 4 days. And neglected to do the house stuff (she said she'd do)

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/09/2023 15:55

RedPony1 · 29/09/2023 15:50

Agreed!!

I don't work hard and earn good money to then have to have a discussion over whether or not i can buy a large purchase. As long as my % of bills is paid, i'm buying what i want with the rest of my money, no discussion required.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Once my fair share of bills are paid, no one gets to decide what I do with my money but me.

GabriellaMontez · 29/09/2023 15:59

He contributes fuck all to your life.

What percentage contributions are you making? Based on your income? Why does he pay so very little? (Towards shared bills)

What a lazy waster. I can't think of anything less attractive.

AgentJohnson · 29/09/2023 16:00

Clue him on how disproportionately he contributes to his family’s finances and needs. He thinks equality is a one way street. What is wrong with you woman! I’d be embarrassed for someone exhibiting this level of twatery, I hope you DD has higher standards in her future relationships.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 29/09/2023 16:04

At most, and taking this entirely in isolation, he'd be due half the price of a ticket (ie. the same as you're spending for your ticket, less his half of your daughter's ticket)

But the way forward, like you say earlier OP, is to have the chat - lay out the hours everyone is putting in, the spare money each person has, expenses (proportionally attributed for your daughter according to income) and see what's actually fair.

wildwestpioneer · 29/09/2023 16:05

I was going to say yabu but after reading all your op YANBU

you're working 6 days a week and still having to do the lions share of the housework

He's working 4 and not doing his fair share of the house work

Tell him when he is more than capable of going back full time and earning more money for himself - this is exactly what you are doing.

I'd then address the issue of him not pulling his weight at home

roarrfeckingroar · 29/09/2023 16:08

@maddiemookins16mum @VesperLynne it's family money when everyone works as a team. This man works far fewer hours, doesn't contribute as promised to the running of the home and doesn't bring in as much financially. For him to expect more is laughable.