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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that screens at the dining table is rude?

221 replies

madamreign · 25/09/2023 09:56

Obviously excepting those with additional needs who use them to regulate.

We don't allow screens at the dinner table, for adults or children, at home or in restaurants.

Am I just being old fashioned?

OP posts:
spookyboooo · 25/09/2023 09:57

No i totally agree
Nothing more annoying than when your out at a restaurant and a parent has gave a child a loud I pad

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:01

So if you wanted to text someone, answer a call, look at something on the Internet that is part of your current discussion, none of that is allowed?

LemonQuiche · 25/09/2023 10:05

You’re not unreasonable. Never give DD a screen in a restaurant, she needs to learn that when you’re having a meal you engage with the people you’re with. If she’s not feeling it and kicking off (which, to be fair, hasn’t really ever happened) we bring the meal to swift conclusion, one takes her outside, the other pays and we make out exit.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/09/2023 10:07

I think it depends on context so YABU to have a total blanket rule.

We've only used them once with the kids, at a zoo food place earlier this year where we were honestly sat for 30 minutes trying to download their stupid ordering app and make it work, and then another 20 minutes waiting for food to come, and my one year old and three year old (at the time) wanted to just get up and run around the restaurant. Frankly we had run out of things to try and point out to them in the featureless room. We gave the youngest Cocomelon on the phone at a low volume and the oldest got Peppa Pig on the iPad.

I'm always curious as to what the "no screens ever" brigade would have people do with small children who can't do colouring for more than a couple of minutes and who just want to run around and play. You'd complain if they were screaming and crying in high chairs because we hadn't let them out. You'd complain if they were running around. You complain about screens. What would you have us do with them in the face of a preposterous delay like the one I outlined above? Obviously the children are on the path to learning to sit nicely but as with anything, that's developmental and children aren't born sitting perfectly waiting for food.

Having said that there is no reason I can see to use them at home but I wouldn't say other people can't use them if that's what works for them. I just can't see why you'd need them at home for the children. The children should play until dinner time and then come to the table when their food is on it, eat their food, with maybe a short wait at the table if they're having a yoghurt or other pudding. Then they should be allowed to go back to playing. Adults should model this where possible and be present to eat food, but it's not always practical, for example if they are waiting for an important time-sensitive text message and it comes in during a mealtime they might have to act on it.

So there's no single blanket rule that works for people and adults (being adults) should use their common sense to decide on a case-by-case basis.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/09/2023 10:07

In the case of restaurants it depends on the age of the child and how long they are expected to wait.
Somewhere quick like McDonalds- they can wait but if it's a meal that's going to take an hour plus and the adults want to chat and eat their multiple courses slowly then I understand why they might have screens with headphones or on mute.

Original poster
madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:08

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:01

So if you wanted to text someone, answer a call, look at something on the Internet that is part of your current discussion, none of that is allowed?

Unless it's an emergency, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:12

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/09/2023 10:07

I think it depends on context so YABU to have a total blanket rule.

We've only used them once with the kids, at a zoo food place earlier this year where we were honestly sat for 30 minutes trying to download their stupid ordering app and make it work, and then another 20 minutes waiting for food to come, and my one year old and three year old (at the time) wanted to just get up and run around the restaurant. Frankly we had run out of things to try and point out to them in the featureless room. We gave the youngest Cocomelon on the phone at a low volume and the oldest got Peppa Pig on the iPad.

I'm always curious as to what the "no screens ever" brigade would have people do with small children who can't do colouring for more than a couple of minutes and who just want to run around and play. You'd complain if they were screaming and crying in high chairs because we hadn't let them out. You'd complain if they were running around. You complain about screens. What would you have us do with them in the face of a preposterous delay like the one I outlined above? Obviously the children are on the path to learning to sit nicely but as with anything, that's developmental and children aren't born sitting perfectly waiting for food.

Having said that there is no reason I can see to use them at home but I wouldn't say other people can't use them if that's what works for them. I just can't see why you'd need them at home for the children. The children should play until dinner time and then come to the table when their food is on it, eat their food, with maybe a short wait at the table if they're having a yoghurt or other pudding. Then they should be allowed to go back to playing. Adults should model this where possible and be present to eat food, but it's not always practical, for example if they are waiting for an important time-sensitive text message and it comes in during a mealtime they might have to act on it.

So there's no single blanket rule that works for people and adults (being adults) should use their common sense to decide on a case-by-case basis.

Depending on age:

Peekaboo
Tell them a story
Steal nose/ear
Round and round the garden
I spy
Rock, paper scissors
Get them to tell you a story
Do you remember when game

OP posts:
MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:12

Each to their own. If I wanted to answer a quick non emergency text, or Google something related to a conversation I was currently having and someone frowned upon me for it, they are not the people that I'd be eating with.

mistermagpie · 25/09/2023 10:16

Rude to who? Obviously if it's in a restaurant and the sound is on then that's rude, but if a child or children is on an iPad with headphones on, which their parents have provided them with, so that maybe the parents can eat a meal that they are paying for, and have a conversation in bloody peace for once in their lives, then who is the child being rude to?

We never go out to eat because we are can't afford it and my three young children are an absolute rabble anyway, but I'm sick of all this judgement of what parents do IN THEIR OWN HOME, which some of these comments are about. Who gives a shit if I look at my phone at dinner? Or if my kid watches an iPad? Who does it actually affect?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/09/2023 10:18

madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:12

Depending on age:

Peekaboo
Tell them a story
Steal nose/ear
Round and round the garden
I spy
Rock, paper scissors
Get them to tell you a story
Do you remember when game

Show quote history

Yeah we did all the talking and playing. One year old still didn't understand why she was sitting still in a chair in a room with no toys (from her point of view) and neither did SEN three year old.

It's interesting that you assume screens are a first resort for parents using them, or that the parents lack imagination to play with their children, whereas I did make it clear we'd already talked exhaustively and the children didn't want to sit and talk any longer. They didn't want to play with the toys we'd brought (that they had chosen) because they were bored of playing with them now. They know when they're being purposely delayed. Find me a one year old and a three-year-old who can sit quietly for 50 minutes in high chairs while hungry.

I mean the fact that this was the first time we'd needed them might be a clue in and of itself that we don't just whip them out at any opportunity, no? But sometimes they are needed.

It's not black and white. But your black-and-white responses to the legitimate other points of view on this thread make it clear you don't really want to know if YABU or if you're being old-fashioned, you just wanted lots of people to go, "YANBU screens bad durrrrr".

I'm sure plenty of them will be along, but don't couch it as an AIBU when it's anything but.

goldennavy · 25/09/2023 10:18

Really rude, I agree.

PinkyFlamingo · 25/09/2023 10:20

Rude? I dont care what other people do when I'm eating out.

Original poster
madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:20

mistermagpie · 25/09/2023 10:16

Rude to who? Obviously if it's in a restaurant and the sound is on then that's rude, but if a child or children is on an iPad with headphones on, which their parents have provided them with, so that maybe the parents can eat a meal that they are paying for, and have a conversation in bloody peace for once in their lives, then who is the child being rude to?

We never go out to eat because we are can't afford it and my three young children are an absolute rabble anyway, but I'm sick of all this judgement of what parents do IN THEIR OWN HOME, which some of these comments are about. Who gives a shit if I look at my phone at dinner? Or if my kid watches an iPad? Who does it actually affect?

Don't you want to teach them table manners? Including how to make conversation over dinner?

They can't learn that watching pepper pig.

I don't care what you do in your home. It's none of my business.

I would however consider it to be very rude of someone (particularly an adult, which your children will be one day) to be staring at a screen while eating dinner with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:22

PinkyFlamingo · 25/09/2023 10:20

Rude? I dont care what other people do when I'm eating out.

At your table?

OP posts:
MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:23

Staring at a screen isnt the same as answering a quick text, or googling something as part of the conversation that you are both having. Someone sitting there watching a netflix series when you're eating with them is rude. Someone answering a 4 second text, a quick Google is not rude. Your black and white way of thinking is dated.

LadyDanburysHat · 25/09/2023 10:24

The people who wonder what people do who don't have screens. It's not that many years since they weren't an option. and yes, we talk to our kids, amuse them in some other way. And teach them to sit for a reasonable amount of time.

We have no screens at home too, although my kids are now teens, it is family time. We talk to each other, no social media for a little while.

shivawn · 25/09/2023 10:25

I really don't care, if I'm out to dinner with my husband and his or my phone rings then we'll take a quick call. I'm glad neither of us would criticise one another over something small like that.

Badgerandfox227 · 25/09/2023 10:26

We don’t have iPads at home when eating or a television being watched at the kitchen table. As a general rule we wouldn’t have them when we be out, but we might give them our phones to play on if they finish their meal early and we want to finish ours in peace.

On holiday, we did let the kids bring their iPads to the table when we were at the buffet restaurant, again so when they were finished we could finish at leisure.

I personally think it’s not doing any harm for a parent to allow their child a tablet, who knows how they parent outside of the restaurant, and maybe this is the only chance the parents have to eat out.

Teachingteacher · 25/09/2023 10:26

I've got two young DC and have given the older one a screen in restaurants in the past. I've always deeply regretted it, as it starts a cycle of expectation that's really hard to break. We're screen-free now, and this is mostly because I see the impact constant screen usage has on the students I teach.

However, I also don't think it's possible to expect young children (age 5 or younger) to sit still in a restaurant/cafe for more than 30 mins. Colouring etc. can occupy them but not for that long. Our solution has been to not eat out anymore! We save it for date nights when we can both relax and enjoy the meal. It's also saved us so much money. I'm obviously not saying that's for everyone though.

I recently asked my mum how she managed with me and my sister, and she said 'we never ate out, unless it was Macdonalds. We didn't go to restaurants until you were 8/10'. I guess that's what we've started doing too!

BodenCardiganNot · 25/09/2023 10:27

The people who wonder what people do who don't have screens. It's not that many years since they weren't an option. and yes, we talk to our kids, amuse them in some other way. And teach them to sit for a reasonable amount of time.

This. Mine are early and mid-20s now. They survived and thrived without phones, tablets and ipads as toddlers, children and young teens.

EveryKneeShallBow · 25/09/2023 10:28

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:01

So if you wanted to text someone, answer a call, look at something on the Internet that is part of your current discussion, none of that is allowed?

Yes, that’s right. Unless I was expecting a response from a doctor, or someone is expecting a similar emergency call, we leave our phones in the living room over dinner.

Original poster
madamreign · 25/09/2023 10:29

@EveryKneeShallBow

We do similar.

Meals are family time.

OP posts:
Widowsfire · 25/09/2023 10:29

I think for young children it's not really any different to keeping them occupied with colouring, which seems to be OK. For everyone else, yes rude.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 10:30

Never at home.
In restaurants if it's a mostly grown up dinner and people are lingering over coffee yes, but not while actual eating is going on.

Snowpaw · 25/09/2023 10:31

I agree. Sometimes when we're at the table eating we might be talking about something we are wondering about, and my DP will say "I'll just google it" and I ask him not to and to leave his phone on the side. I think having instant access to all the answers in the world at the tip of your fingers stops discussion about what the child's opinion might be, or what the child thinks might be the reason for something. Googling the answer to something doesn't encourage conversation - it kind of just stops it dead in its tracks. I think children need to learn back and forth conversation at a table. They need to get comfortable with silences at times, or learning to wait for their food.

We have had some really funny conversations at cafes and things just from talking about our surroundings, or making up simple games. I've never given my nearly-5yr old my phone in a cafe or restaurant. We don't own an iPad. She's occasionally had her tea in front of the TV if she has been ill, or if I'm ill.

Its tiring eating out with a child, I get that, but you put the effort in with them at this age and they'll grow up to be lovely mealtime companions.