Page 5 | To think that screens at the dining table is rude?

madamreign · 2023-09-25T08:56:00+00:00

Obviously excepting those with additional needs who use them to regulate. We don't allow screens at the dinner table, for adults or children, at home or in restaurants. Am I just being old fashioned?

Original poster

madamreign · 25/09/2023 11:33

BethDuttonsTwin · 25/09/2023 11:32

Mind your own business. It doesn't affect you.

Read the thread

OP posts:

user76541055773 · 25/09/2023 11:33

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:30

For me “what if I just need to reply to a quick text” implies people regularly checking their phone through the meal to see if something more interesting is happening elsewhere … which I find rude.

Really?

I need this a little needy and insecure TBH. Which is probably why I don’t mind people going on phones when they’re eating out with me. I’d never have thought “wow they don’t care about me something better is on that phone”. But I’m really not insecure!

Which just goes to show how it’s horses for courses, because I would find it hugely needy and insecure of someone to keep checking their phone through dinner just in case their incompetent husband couldn’t find their kid’s pyjamas 😂

Hbh17 · 25/09/2023 11:34

Of course it's rude. Amongst my friends, I don't know anyone who allows screens at the table, inc at home. Children need to learn table manners and social skills, and everyone managed perfectly well before screens were a thing. It's so depressing to see small children in cafes looking at screens - whatever happened to interaction?

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:36

user76541055773 · 25/09/2023 11:33

Which just goes to show how it’s horses for courses, because I would find it hugely needy and insecure of someone to keep checking their phone through dinner just in case their incompetent husband couldn’t find their kid’s pyjamas 😂

Show quote history

Really?

Most people have smart phones with notifications and previews. So if they have it out and a name pops up such as their child or DH with a preview of the message where they think “that’s something that maybe can’t wait” - that’s not being insecure or needy. It’s taking literally 10 seconds to respond to something.

If they were reading every single story their BBC push notifications flash up then yes I’d think ‘wow you really need to be in the know’. Helping their kids out? Nah, getting annoyed by this is just weird and needy. And quite controlling actually.

user76541055773 · 25/09/2023 11:38

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:36

Really?

Most people have smart phones with notifications and previews. So if they have it out and a name pops up such as their child or DH with a preview of the message where they think “that’s something that maybe can’t wait” - that’s not being insecure or needy. It’s taking literally 10 seconds to respond to something.

If they were reading every single story their BBC push notifications flash up then yes I’d think ‘wow you really need to be in the know’. Helping their kids out? Nah, getting annoyed by this is just weird and needy. And quite controlling actually.

Show quote history

Yes really. I’m not sure why you are finding it all so hard to understand.

PenhillDarkMonarch · 25/09/2023 11:42

I wonder what everyone did before screens...

As far as I recall, argued about whether or not it was rude to read at the table

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:46

user76541055773 · 25/09/2023 11:38

Yes really. I’m not sure why you are finding it all so hard to understand.

Show quote history

Perhaps because I’m normal? And don’t find it a problem if someone answers a text in my company, providing we’re still having a good time and good conversation. Which is every meal out I’ve ever had with a friend!

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:47

PenhillDarkMonarch · 25/09/2023 11:42

I wonder what everyone did before screens...

As far as I recall, argued about whether or not it was rude to read at the table

We ate out a lot as a family when I was a kid and I distinctly remember having colouring books and crayons

DataColour · 25/09/2023 11:47

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:33

Im sure the time will come when your kids will want their mum because they’re upset. And that may be when youre with someone else.

Mine are still young and TBH if it’s just their dad looking after them I think “what if something happened to HIM. What if he had an accident or heart attack”. Insanely unlikely of course, but given it is possible and a child would call me/999&me I don’t think having a phone next to your cutlery is quite the irrational and rude move people think it is.

Show quote history

Yes, insanely unlikely so I won't have my phone next to me at dinner with a friend. I don't think the parent who is out needs to be "on call" if the kids are being looked after by the other, capable parent. But yes, people I are different I guess. If my DH messaged me about PJs I'd think he'd gone mad!!
If my kids are upset my DH can soothe them pretty well in my absence, I only go out very occasionally, they have no need to call me. They do come to me first if I'm at home, but DH is fine if I'm not there!

inamarina · 25/09/2023 11:53

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/09/2023 10:18

Yeah we did all the talking and playing. One year old still didn't understand why she was sitting still in a chair in a room with no toys (from her point of view) and neither did SEN three year old.

It's interesting that you assume screens are a first resort for parents using them, or that the parents lack imagination to play with their children, whereas I did make it clear we'd already talked exhaustively and the children didn't want to sit and talk any longer. They didn't want to play with the toys we'd brought (that they had chosen) because they were bored of playing with them now. They know when they're being purposely delayed. Find me a one year old and a three-year-old who can sit quietly for 50 minutes in high chairs while hungry.

I mean the fact that this was the first time we'd needed them might be a clue in and of itself that we don't just whip them out at any opportunity, no? But sometimes they are needed.

It's not black and white. But your black-and-white responses to the legitimate other points of view on this thread make it clear you don't really want to know if YABU or if you're being old-fashioned, you just wanted lots of people to go, "YANBU screens bad durrrrr".

I'm sure plenty of them will be along, but don't couch it as an AIBU when it's anything but.

Show quote history

I agree.
We try to avoid screens at the table, but it also depends on each individual situation, how long you have to wait for food, and so on.
I also wonder how much time one can actually kill with games like ‘Round and round the garden’ or ‘Peekaboo’ - surely only a couple of minutes max?

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:54

Oh my DH would know better than to text me about PJs because he knows if I did reply it would be fine then your fucking self” 😂 but other if this happens to other people I’m absolutely fine with them replying if it makes their DC’s bedtime run more smoothly

Normally my DH is capable of comforting the kids but on this occasion, I knew the backstory with this one (awful£ mate she has, and I was the person she wanted then. She is in a gang of 5 at school and one of the girls messaged with a TikTok that another girl in the gang had made. It was of the other 3 at a sleepover and the title “When you’re at a sleepover with your besties and gossiping about friends you don’t like” after bollocking her about opening TikTok’s, we had a little pep talk with “We can chat properly in the morning but try and have a good night’s sleep”. I’d have felt terrible ignoring that when she was absolutely heartbroken she thought her friend were making TikToks about her.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/09/2023 11:54

SisterMichaelsHabit · 25/09/2023 10:07

I think it depends on context so YABU to have a total blanket rule.

We've only used them once with the kids, at a zoo food place earlier this year where we were honestly sat for 30 minutes trying to download their stupid ordering app and make it work, and then another 20 minutes waiting for food to come, and my one year old and three year old (at the time) wanted to just get up and run around the restaurant. Frankly we had run out of things to try and point out to them in the featureless room. We gave the youngest Cocomelon on the phone at a low volume and the oldest got Peppa Pig on the iPad.

I'm always curious as to what the "no screens ever" brigade would have people do with small children who can't do colouring for more than a couple of minutes and who just want to run around and play. You'd complain if they were screaming and crying in high chairs because we hadn't let them out. You'd complain if they were running around. You complain about screens. What would you have us do with them in the face of a preposterous delay like the one I outlined above? Obviously the children are on the path to learning to sit nicely but as with anything, that's developmental and children aren't born sitting perfectly waiting for food.

Having said that there is no reason I can see to use them at home but I wouldn't say other people can't use them if that's what works for them. I just can't see why you'd need them at home for the children. The children should play until dinner time and then come to the table when their food is on it, eat their food, with maybe a short wait at the table if they're having a yoghurt or other pudding. Then they should be allowed to go back to playing. Adults should model this where possible and be present to eat food, but it's not always practical, for example if they are waiting for an important time-sensitive text message and it comes in during a mealtime they might have to act on it.

So there's no single blanket rule that works for people and adults (being adults) should use their common sense to decide on a case-by-case basis.

I'm always curious as to what the "no screens ever" brigade would have people do with small children who can't do colouring for more than a couple of minutes and who just want to run around and play.

Personally, I don't care what anyone else does so long as the volume is turned off or headphones are used. That said, it's not really difficult. My 3 are adults now and we didn't use screens when they were young. We ate out with them regularly from a young age. It's just a question of being prepared. We always had multiple things like sticker books, colouring, a bag of miniature animals etc with us. These were in addition to any toys they may have chosen to bring so were only for use at the table.

But like I said, if your solution is screens, that's fine. I can see why, in the circumstances, that was the option you chose. However, you were unreasonable to have the volume on, even low. A 1 year old isn't going to be that bothered by lack of volume. You don't say if the 3 year old had volume on but if they did, you were also unreasonable there.

Chestnutz · 25/09/2023 11:55

No technology at the table is the rule in our house. DC is the best at policing it.

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:56

inamarina · 25/09/2023 11:53

I agree.
We try to avoid screens at the table, but it also depends on each individual situation, how long you have to wait for food, and so on.
I also wonder how much time one can actually kill with games like ‘Round and round the garden’ or ‘Peekaboo’ - surely only a couple of minutes max?

Show quote history

If I tried to play Peekaboo with my 6yo and 10yo they’d probably leave the restaurant in total disgust 🤣

We do like a game of I Spy though. Mostly because 6yo DS purposefully picks obscure things like ‘something beginning with W’ and it’s “Woman in that picture over there” - “woman” is not accepted and he feels very smug that he beat us all 😂

McIntire · 25/09/2023 11:58

We don’t allow screens whilst eating.
Yesterday we were out for lunch and talking about booking a holiday, whilst waiting for the food I was looking at flights and we were discussing prices etc. DH was looking at typical weather for various locations. In that situation I think it’s ok.

Octavia64 · 25/09/2023 12:01

My children are now grown up.

We had two types of meal times - normal rules and antisocial rules.

Antisocial rules meal times allowed reading, screens, but no sound to disturb anyone else.

We often declared antisocial meal times after E.g a day out when everyone was exhausted or long car journeys.

I didn't have screens as a child but I often (and still do) read at meals.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2023 12:02

God, the judgment on here is staggering! Can people not realise that other people's lives are different than theirs?

2DC 19 & 17 - never had screens at home over the table or when out. All grand. DS3 has ASN & my lord I'd do anything to have him calm & happy enough to eat. We only rarely eat out- more casual places- when necessary, and I have everything with me I can- Dobble/ cards/phone/ Switch/ ipad. It's sheer survival. At home obviously he doesn't need to wait, but if he needs the TV on it's on. Other DC understand that he's different & circumstances are different. Posters on here need to understand this too. Live one day in my shoes & then come back & chastise me for using screens in public. FFS

LisaD1 · 25/09/2023 12:07

I don’t judge what others do, that’s up to them.

In my home we don’t have devices at the dinner table (I can’t and wouldn’t stop a guest but people usually follow your lead and I’ve not noticed anyone on their phone at dinner).
same as when our, we don’t have our phones.

we do all work in tech though so I’m not sure if that makes a difference (except youngest who is 15), I find we all enjoy the break from it.

ColdEvenings · 25/09/2023 12:40

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 10:12

Each to their own. If I wanted to answer a quick non emergency text, or Google something related to a conversation I was currently having and someone frowned upon me for it, they are not the people that I'd be eating with.

If you couldn't give me the courtesy of your attention for an hour while we had a meal together, you'd def not be someone I'd want to spend time with.

I'm amazed how you can't see that. But it takes all sorts I suppose!

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 12:57

ColdEvenings · 25/09/2023 12:40

If you couldn't give me the courtesy of your attention for an hour while we had a meal together, you'd def not be someone I'd want to spend time with.

I'm amazed how you can't see that. But it takes all sorts I suppose!

Show quote history

Great, im glad im not in your friends circle if I'd be judged for googling a good dessert place that related to our evening get together. I dont need that type of judgement in my life, so cool.

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 12:58

ColdEvenings · 25/09/2023 12:40

If you couldn't give me the courtesy of your attention for an hour while we had a meal together, you'd def not be someone I'd want to spend time with.

I'm amazed how you can't see that. But it takes all sorts I suppose!

Show quote history

You really need someone to be focussed on you 100% and not even send a text for example to their mum or to check their kids/dog/hamster is ok?

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 13:06

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 12:57

Great, im glad im not in your friends circle if I'd be judged for googling a good dessert place that related to our evening get together. I dont need that type of judgement in my life, so cool.

Show quote history

Yeah I couldn’t do with that level of neediness either.

Stressfordays · 25/09/2023 13:16

I'm very liberal with screens however if we are sitting down together for a meal, either inside or outside the home, then no one is allowed their tech. My kids will actually ask at home 'is it family dinner?' As they know the expectations. If its a quick tea for kids before we head out, they can have their tech.

I will never understand the people that can't seem to entertain their dc without an ipad. We colour, play a game or just talk. I'm a lone parent of 3 too so its not like I haven't got my hands full. They sit lovely in restaurants as I've done this since they were babies.

JCWiatt · 25/09/2023 13:22

I think people are taking the examples to the extreme. Of course, if a child is neurodiverse you do whatever helps or if your mum is in hospital and you could get a call, you keep your phone close by.

I think what the OP meant is that when enjoying a meal together you should be 100% present - where possible. So much of our lives we are half in, half out. Not able to concentrate, always one eye on a screen. Surely life is more enjoyable when we are fully present in the moment. You really don't need to be glued to your phone when out for an hour with a friend or chatting about your day over dinner at home. Be present with the people in front of you.

So much of our life now involves technology, we should make the most of in person face-to-face communication, without the need to be on screens. I don't see why that is controversial and people are so horrified by it.

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 13:23

@JCWiatt no the OP literally said emergencies only, so no little message to your Mum or anything.