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AIBU?

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Original poster

That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

225 replies

spiffing · 25/09/2023 09:15

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/09/2023 09:18

what a shit time all around. I agree school should be being a bit more flexible but that the same time with it being year 11 letting her fall behind may cause more problems than it solves so long term it does need looking at what will work best.

can you and her meet with the head of year to discuss things and come up with a plan that gives her the support she needs while keeping on top of school work.

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 25/09/2023 09:19

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.

I’d be taking this up with school immediately. And I hardly ever pipe up with the ‘take it up with school’ because I know they have a hard, nigh on impossible, job to do.

But this is ridiculous. And harmful. I’d honestly be calling asking to speak to her head of year asap.

PinkFrogss · 25/09/2023 09:19

YANBU at all OP, and I’m so so sorry for your loss Flowers

I would talk to her head of year, it’s honestly a miracle she’s still going in. If she was an adult she would most likely be taking time off work, a school child shouldn’t be expected to cope with more than we’d expect of an adult.

WolfFoxHare · 25/09/2023 09:22

I'm so sorry about your and DD's sad loss. How awful! Yes, absolutely email about this. If she were working, she could easily have been signed off for weeks with bereavement - when my dad died last year, I missed weeks of work then went back part-time, and I'm a grown adult with a family of my own. I get that YR 11 is very important and she shouldn't fall behind if possible, but the school needs to work to support her in this, not punish her as though she's being lazy. Why does society so often just expect children to shrug off a bereavement that would floor an adult?

PinkDeer · 25/09/2023 09:22

I wonder if she needs time off school to grieve. It’s tricky as it’s an important year, but I feel she should be getting more support and leeway from the school. I’m sorry for your loss.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/09/2023 09:25

Very sorry for your loss, the school is not supporting your DD. Call and speak to the guidance/welfare teacher or safeguarding lead. She is struggling with her MH at the moment and this may be considered re GCSE's. It's all very raw, could she study from home on a couple of days a week, if this will help give her a break from the huge amount of coping she is doing in public. Local authorities can accommodate short term needs like this. If no joy at school contact your education dept directly, good luck.

Chipsahoy · 25/09/2023 09:28

Id pull her out. She can take her GCSEs in college. Poor child needs to grieve not be in the school system. I’m sorry for your loss

Tombero · 25/09/2023 09:30

This is awful. I’d stop emailing and ask to go in and talk to head of year and pastoral as a matter of urgency. School needs to be supporting your daughter.

KyliesPencilCollection · 25/09/2023 09:31

I'd consider giving her a year out too. Poor girl.

x2boys · 25/09/2023 09:31

Chipsahoy · 25/09/2023 09:28

Id pull her out. She can take her GCSEs in college. Poor child needs to grieve not be in the school system. I’m sorry for your loss

She can only take maths and ,English GCSE in college
That being said my son had a,disastrous year eleven,due to.poor health and being in hospital GCSE,s are nor the be all.and end all.and post 16 colleges offer lots of options.

roarrfeckingroar · 25/09/2023 09:32

Absolutely awful of the school. I had similar when I lost my mum and it made it all so much harder.

Best wishes to you and your family x

LadyDanburysHat · 25/09/2023 09:32

I agree that you need to raise this with school. They are not giving her the support she needs.

There is no way I would allow her to go to that detention. 6 weeks bereaved and treated like any other pupil. It is a miracle she is in school at all, never mind full time.

Flyingfup · 25/09/2023 09:33

I would also consider giving her a year off. Look how to do it so she isn’t isolated at home. Exams can be caught up later.

Mariposista · 25/09/2023 09:33

Such a very hard time for her.
Her form tutor (or equivalent member of staff responsible for pastoral care) needs to be on board. She needs to show that she has at least made an effort to attempt some homework (even if she only gets 20% if it done), but in manageable amounts. The school has a duty of care for her and slapping her in detention isn't going to help.

UsuallyBaffled · 25/09/2023 09:34

I'm so sorry OP, of course the school should be cutting her A Lot of slack I'm amazed they're giving her detention and I seriously hope that's a mistake that they row back from. Of course year 11 is important but she can't just put the death of her father on the back burner, I'm so so sorry for you both.

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 09:34

I think this is a no win situation for the school. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be heart wrenching for both of you. But if the school treat her differently and cut her some slack over homework in this very important year, will you later be complaining to them when her grades slip and / or she tanks her exams? How long should they cut her some slack? This week, this month, the rest of the year? Are you happy to accept that they stop expecting her to achieve her potential? And I mean those questions seriously. Because horrible though this time is for her and for you, this is her future and her life. No homework for one week might not be a big deal now, but what about the next weeks? And the weeks after that?

I think that the conversation with the school needs to be about how you all work to support her getting the homework done, and hope you achieve that end.

Flyingfup · 25/09/2023 09:35

Posted too early. Can she take the exams she enjoys this year, then another set next year.

Catleveltired · 25/09/2023 09:35

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think be clear with school that she's there for social and routine reasons, but there need to be zero expectations of academics, other than not disrupting others. She can actually do her exams a year later or whatever. Nothing matters more than her well-being just now.

x2boys · 25/09/2023 09:40

Flyingfup · 25/09/2023 09:35

Posted too early. Can she take the exams she enjoys this year, then another set next year.

I don't think that's possible ,for very different reasons my son had a,terrible year 11.last year ,he did sit his GCSE,s but his grades were Lower than expected ( and he isn't academic anyway) he's resitting maths and English at college but there is no option to resit other GCSE,s
That being said there are lots of other courses on offer .

VenusClapTrap · 25/09/2023 09:41

Good god your poor dd. I lost my mum young but I was older than your dd, and it was like my world had been nuked. I was at uni and I quit, because there was no way my head could cope with that on top of grief.

As others have said, go into school and talk to the head of year and get some kind of plan made. The school need to be encouraging and helping your dd, not punishing her.

whatchulookinatwillis · 25/09/2023 09:41

This is awful behaviour of the school.

Grief is well know to be both exhausting and cause concentration issues.

Her Dad died only 6 weeks ago; I doubt you're back at work yet, or doing much socialising.

Your DD is being expected to study, concentrate in class, integrate with her peers (very few of whom, if any, will really understand and give her proper support) plus come home and do more work? It's too much.

When my DH died, the school allocated her a counsellor, plus a quiet area she could go to at any time (including walking out of a class if need be). She was given a lot of leniency over her work load and certainly wasn't given detentions.

You need to speak to the school about this and fight her corner, they need to do way more to support her than they are doing now.

Evenstar · 25/09/2023 09:41

Are you sure all the teachers are aware? My DS went up to Year 7 after DH dying in the June of Year 6 and despite me communicating this to his new school in writing and being told all staff would be made aware that didn’t happen.

Fortunately there was a new starters meeting three weeks in and we saw Head of Year and Pastoral care after finding out that nobody knew including his form tutor. There had already been some issues where his needs had not been met due to this.

He had Pastoral Care support and counselling right through Year 7 and 8 after that.

So sorry for your loss.

LoudAndSqueaky · 25/09/2023 09:41

I'm so sorry for your loss.
The school is definitely being overly harsh. Hopefully the head will be reasonable. It obviously completely depends on your daughter but I'd guess generally that it is better for her to go into school rather than take the year off. I'd think being away from friends and doing nothing at home would be much worse.
Maybe it would be good to have a fixed schedule of timings. Say no homework needed for a month, etc.

Tricky though as I sometimes see posts on Mumsnet where people take six months plus off work for bereavements.

pontipinemum · 25/09/2023 09:42

I am sorry for all of your loss

No way should they be giving her detention!!

FranticHare · 25/09/2023 09:42

I would go in and meet the school. Discuss what you expect of them (and what they expect of you)

Sadly, your daughter won't be the first pupil who will have experienced such a bereavement. Ask them how things have been handled in the past.

Like anyone else, I'm not convinced giving detentions out to recently bereaved pupils is acceptable, not will it achieve anything except turning your daughter away from school.

Others say pull her from school - I think for many kids the routine and friends are probably good for them - only you know your daughter to know what is the right choice for her. Of course assuming the school work with her and not against her.

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