That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

Maybe try to find a compromise with the school regarding the homework? If she does none of it- understandable she is truggling because your loss is so recent, she will fall behind significantly and not be in a position to be able to do the exams surely. Would it be possible to concentrate on certain ones not available at college, and then she could attend college from next year to get the core ones they offer? I'm sorry for your loss x

Yes there is , if it’s a parent or sibling the bereavement period is supposed to be long , most will consider a year

I cant believe the behaviour of some schools honestly. That is disgusting. They ought to be focusing on keeping her in school and engaged... not adding to her stress and sadness. What bloody good is detention going to do for a grieving child who's depression is preventing them from focusing? I mean what will it achieve except to make to the reasons why shes not doing homework even worse? I dhonestly not have her go to that detention and id go down there and give them a piece of my mind. Id seriously consider withdrawing her for the rest of the year and engaging with some home ed groups or other forms of learning (some places have part time courses available, for instance my town has several groups who offer a maths class a day a week for example, theres also other subjects available, Google whats in your area for homeschooling or part time schooled children) for the year. She could do her gcses at a 6th form college next year and then continue from there. Mental health is far more important than grades and there won't even be any good grades if someones mental health is shot to bits anyway.
I had problems with my sons school when my own father dropped dead suddenly and unexpectedly. He lived abroad with my disabled mother and was her carer... so we had to go across there and sort everything out, she couldn't be left without care etc... tooka couple of months. My work were great, my husbands work were great, my daughters school were so supportive... but my sons school when we got back had reported me to the LEA and I had an incredibly stressful meeting with them where they threatened me with fining if I didnt 'prioritise my child's education' (and my son is doing fine academicly BTW no issues, he's hit all targets etc)
So at an already stressful time even more stress was heaped on us all.
They even said to me 'is he asking for time off to deal with the grief because you need to be aware he might just be using that as an excuse to bunk off school' I was like what in the actual fuck are you saying to me?!?!
What is wrong with some people honestly.
I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going thru this OP

Ignore everyone telling you what she ‘should’ be doing. Doesn’t matter she is in year 11 she can only do what she is able to. There’s absolutely no point putting pressure on someone who is already struggling it’s only going g to break her. Education can be caught up. If she manages to get into school every day she’s doing amazingly well. Why do we expect children to just continue when adults who lose partners, parents, children are very frequently taking weeks or months off work or their work are being understanding about expectations And hours under the circumstances.

Can you point to which part of the JCQ regulations this is in? As they specifically state special consideration is for something that affects a student during coursework submission or exam period only eg they already know all the content but the situation has prevented them from demonstrating that.

Not necessarily. If the DD’s struggles are diagnosed as severe clinical depression, she therefore has an ongoing serious mental illness and then she would qualify for special consideration.

My friend was killed earlier this year and my friend who was at the door when the police rammed it down was still off work 6 weeks later, and then on light duties when she returned (not the kind of job you can be doing with your mind wandering, would endanger others).
So for a 15 year old child who has lost her father in such tragic circumstances to be treated this way is just unforgivable and heartbreaking. She's an absolute trooper to be attending school at all! Grief is exhausting, and attempting to function normally while grieving a loss like this is what leads to mental health disaster.
The school should be ashamed.
Sorry for your loss OP 💐

The detention is awful. Do they have some sort of computerised system that tots these things up and issues it automatically or did a human being do this.
I had absolute grief brain after my father died and I was an adult of 51 so it must be incredibly hard for your daughter. I can see that the school know how important this year is and that they want her to do as well as she can.Their entire focus is this period of a students academic life and drumming in to children how crucial it all is. It is important, in that it opens the door to the next stage, and, without those certificates, I doubt she will get to the next level at the same time as her friends. That said, life is a marathon not a sprint. You need to go in and meet with her form teacher and HOY to find a way forward. They will know what options are open to her to take these exams in another location at a later date. I doubt very much that any of it is done unkindly. They probably think that routine and 'getting her head down' will help. That would work for lots of students. If its not for your daughter then talk to them.

Special consideration gives you a couple of marks at most, it’s not a magic bullet like some would have you believe.

She would qualify for reasonable adjustment. Which would be putting in place measures to help make the examination period be easier. Depending on her needs that might be rest breaks, or a private room etc , difficult to say exactly what without knowing OP's dd and how things are affecting her specifically.

But she would not be entitled to any adjustment of her grades.

Here.

And it isn't helpful to the OP or her dd to say otherwise.

But most adults are back at work after a few weeks, they are not still off six weeks later.

Losing a parent at age 15 is very different to in your 40s+ like most of us would hopefully be when it happens. I wouldn’t even take the day off at my age but at 15 it would have rocked my world

My dd is in year 11 and two of her school friends have each lost a parent. One last term and the other a couple of weeks ago. They are allowed as much time off as possible. I believe one went in part time for a while.

I can not believe the school has issued a detention on a grieving child, that’s disgraceful.

I am so sorry for the lost of your dh and her dad 💐

This is very true. That’s why it’s best to just start the year over. Give her this year to focus on grieving and mental well being.

That excerpt from the regulations backs up what I have been saying. It is only for circumstances arising at the time of the assessment unless something else happens during assessment time and even then it is just a few marks added on.

I’m so sorry for yours and your daughter’s loss.

I’d definitely speak to school and ask for a meeting. My daughter had a bit of a mental health breakdown in year 11.

A pupil passport was put into place for her and while the school support staff and most teachers were absolutely brilliant and supportive, some clearly hadn’t even bothered to read it.

It took a bit of too-ing and fro-ing with school and in the end DD was given a student mentor who would liaise with the teachers. If it came down to it, they’d go into the school systems and remove behaviour points and detentions for her. Is there anything like that available at your school? Maybe worth asking for something like that

So sorry for your loss.

In these circumstances, our school would give the child the option of repeating the year. I would certainly raise this with school.

That’s not a magic bullet either. It will create a whole host of issues of its own

@DonnaBanana I was replying to an OP who said most adults would not be back at work after 6 weeks. Losing my parents rocked my world. For a 15 year old it is devastating.
I have also said that I think British society is rubbish about bereavement. The rule seems to be after a few weeks you should be back to normal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm wondering what the pastoral care is like at school and whether there is someone you can talk to there. Otherwise speak to the head of year or email. I'm wondering also if school governors could help? It's terrible that you're having to deal with this utter lack of support and empathy from the school. It's so important that she feels safe and supported there. Good luck xx

The school can do special consideration for the November mocks at least. These are not graded by the exam board, but the Gov.uk website makes it clear that special consideration applies to exams or assessments.

When I was a form tutor one of my tutees lost a parent during the actual exam period - she had to come and sit a science exam the next day and was given a 5% uplift by the exam board. It's an absolute disgrace. Somehow she thankfully managed to get what she needed for her course at college which she loved. I hope she's doing well in life (I obviously hope that for all of my tutees but her in particular!)

Ask for a meeting with the head of year and explain that no demerits are to be given, otherwise she is likely to drop out. I have been in this exact situation and in my case my dd did stop going to school, it was just overwhelming and she couldn't do it. She's back in education now, but it was a very difficult time and it seemed there was little provision for bereaved teens and they were just expected to get on with normal life.

Nothing is a “magic bullet” but in my experience restarting a year doesn’t create problems, it takes the pressure off the child insofar as academics and their future life chances.