That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

So sorry for your loss. Sounds like school are going to work with you. Her friends and routine will be so important to her at the moment.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My brother died when I was they age - the school were incredibly accommodating and supportive. The wrote to exams boards and asked for consideration to be given. I muddled through somehow - my friends were my lifeline at that point, as our family fell apart (parents constantly fighting screaming shouting throwing things). I moved to college for sixth form, not sure if it was the right choice or not, but I was done being told what to wear and that I had to do 4 subjects etc.

Have a word with the school - they need to support her so much more, but I wouldn’t just hoike her out, she needs her friends. Drop your expectations on attendance and results. She will come through. Good ALevels aren’t essential to live a happy life.

Sorry but that's nonsense. Pastoral care is an important part of education and schools have a duty of care for their pupils. They are not there simply to get good grades out of kids at any cost.

The school should put in Mitigating Circumstances to the exam boards. Her grades will be adjusted accordingly.
But a year out seems a better idea. Just so she can have time to grieve in peace.without the pressure of studies.
She could still get homework sent via Google classroom etc and if she feels upto it she can do a little studying as and when she feels upto it. Just so she has something else to think about now and again.
My sincere condolences OP

I would remove her from school. Her mental health is more important She will catch up or she could home school .

You need to get her teacher onboard to homework being done when it can be - no sanctions. I used to offer this to my students who had other things going on and it was such a lifeline. Explain to the school you're worried about school refusal and poor mental health and hopefully they'll back off.

And if she needs to defer her GCSEs to November, then so be it. She is the most important thing right now.

Can you get a doctor's note to excuse her from school work for medical reasons that the school would then have to agree to? It would also protect the school from accusations of preferential treatment from other parents. I am sorry for your loss.

I’m a retired head teacher( primary) - and I’ve only read your post and a few comments so I don’t know what others have said. However, I am utterly appalled that a school would not be so very compassionate in this situation.Hard to understand this to be honest. You are most definitely not being unreasonable and you and your daughter need real support. With my love to you. X

Go in, she should be exempt from anything like this. As PPs have said, only English & Maths are available at college, but there are other L2 options. You also need to make sure they are asking for special consideration at the end of the exam period - there are periods of time that they’ll consider for bereavement and I’m not sure how long. Good luck and best wishes

I feel like this will have been automatically generated by a system. It is utterly abysmal- horrific infact- that she should be given a detention at a time like this. She should not sit it. In addition, the school should be applying for special consideration for her. If you need more information about this, please message me privately and I will support.

I sympathise totally. I had a similar situation when my husband was very seriously ill (cancer) and in and out of hospital. He recovered and thankfully is still with us.

I informed the school, they said all her teachers would be advised, but that clearly didn’t happen.

I tried and tried to get individual teachers to understand the situation (tbf, most of them were lovely, but 2 were atrocious).

So then I demanded a meeting with the deputy head who was responsible for her year, explained to him what would happen if it didn’t get sorted (articles in local and national press, petition passed round other parents, me turning up at his door on a regular basis). Never herd a peep out of any of them again.

It disgusted me that I was forced to throw a wobbler to get anything done, but life’s like that sometimes.

I wish you and your daughter peace and love.

Sending you and your DD lots of love at such a hard time. I hope you had a good conversation and the school are more supportive xx

I am so sorry for your loss. This is very sad how they have treated her. Is your daughter doing 10 GCSES? Does she need all the GCSEs for her future plans? My suggestion would be to ask the school to allow her to drop some. In reality some 6th forms only request 5 GCSes - others 8/9. If she is doing triple science she could drop one of the three sciences for example and use this extra time to do her homework in the library. This does happen for children unwell - it was suggested my daughter do 5 but she ended up choosing to do 8.

You’re not unreasonable! The school will say ‘dead father or not, she didn’t do her homework! If we let people off just because their parents are dead, everyone will expect us to care!’

Sounds like a hideous school with callous policies. It’s almost as if they’re hoping to escalate the situation, so they have a mental health issue to deal with.

They sound ghastly!

My niece was pulled out due to her school not being accessible. She's now doing English, Maths, Science GCSE and a business level 2 NVQ at an underfunded college in bad area. That will get her onto a level 3 course and then to uni. It's entirely possible and a great inclusive option for kids struggling in school.

I'm so sorry you have this sadness in your life at the moment

Would it be possible to reduce the number of gcse subjects to allow her free periods to do homework at school?

Oh how terrinly sad and awful for you all. Take care. Please go into school snd Speak directly to someone form tutor, pastoral care lead , headteacher All if neccesary I'm sure they will deal with this properly once communication is restored. Take care

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this on top of managing your grief. I'm glad you've had contact from school, and apologies if this has already been suggested, but it might help to get in touch with Child Bereavement UK.
My husband died when our children were 10 and 8 and they were fantastic with support and can offer advice re schools.
I feel strongly that bereavement awareness training really needs to a statutory part of any teacher's training and schools should have to have at least one member of staff who is specifically responsible for children in this situation. It's more common than people appreciate and we need to ensure staff have the skills to support our children at the worst times of their lives.

I am so sorry to hear this, I would be emailing the school to let them know that my DC wouldn’t be attending detention under these circumstances. It’s absolutely awful but I had a similar experience with DS’s secondary when his dad died. I ended up having to move him to a religious school with good pastoral care. The original school said that the teachers couldn’t always been empathetic to my DS as they wouldn’t always know who he was! I also remember going to a parent’s evening where I was told by one teacher that my DS lacked enthusiasm, they had no idea that DS had just lost their dad. I ended up moving him a couple of times after that for other reasons, one was in year 10, but he did very well at GCSE in the end.
School’s can be appalling at dealing with bereavement. A teacher at my other DC’s primary school told me he could leave it ( his bereavement) at the door when he came into class 😡.
If your DD is able to sit GCSE’s then exceptional circumstances can be applied for and taken into account. Also, my friend’s children haven’t had school places for years and are doing courses at college now instead. It may be worth asking if your DD could repeat year 11 if that is something they would be interested in doing. You really need to speak to the head but I know that I wasn’t allowed to in the awful school my DS left as there was a hierarchy and I got nowhere with it.
Good luck to you and your DC, if I can help in any way pls PM me, I know how tough it is. School is important but atm it’s just your family’s grief and looking after each other that really matters.

I bet its not been passed on.
I would make sure it is.
I would alap copy into head and governers and who else you spoke too.

Read the OP's post folks.

So sorry, I didn’t see the update. Pleased that you have managed to sort it out. My DS also found school helpful to focus on and the routine.
Depending on where you are in the country there will be charities to support children with bereavement and provide counselling. My children’s school provided funding for them all to have bereavement counselling. Some of them needed further counselling after a few years and the school also provided funding for this.

Poor lass

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Feel like I can contribute to this because our own situation matched yours so closely. My daughter's father died very suddenly just weeks before the start of Year 10. I told the school about it before term started.

In those early months we had a lot of help from the school - my daughter saw the bereavement counsellor along with the chaplain. Teachers and her year head were both hugely understanding on the days she simply couldn't go to school. I always felt for months after that I could explain her emotional state and there would be an understanding about absences etc.

We had one hurdle - there were exams taken a month or so into term which set the basis for her GCSE predictions. As you might expect these ended up being poorer than her performance before the bereavement so I had to go into school and have a talk about it (and, to be frank, a bit of a cry) which resulted in the grades being raised.

I feel you have been very much let down on the pastoral side of things by your daughter's school and would be well within your right to ask for them to consider her special circumstances before issuing those demerits.

It won't help at all now, but we are now years down the line, through GCSEs and A-levels and things are much easier now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you and your daughter. I'm so very sorry for your loss.