That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

[spiffing]

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc.

DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this.

The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being.

I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

I’m so sorry for your loss. My cousin lost her husband during the pandemic and he was only 40. Like you she is bringing up young children on her own now. It is devastating and I really feel for how hard things must be for you in all this. You have to be the strong one and take care of your DD though and that has to be so so hard as really you need someone to take care of you as well. 💐

Yes, go in and talk to the pastoral care lead and the head teacher. The school should not be de-meriting her or putting her in detention at all. She should also be given the option to work from home or have mental health days off for when the grief is too much.

In the meantime, you need to get her bereavement counselling. Try a referral from the GP and contacting Cruse charity. Cruse can also help you with your bereavement as well.

It may be worthwhile for her to take this school year off and restart Yr11 next September. The system allows such things in the event if injury, illness or bereavement. So keep this option in the back of your mind if she seems to be struggling so much that her GCSEs grades will be much lower than what you know she can attain if it were not for her dad passing away. The usual way this is done is by getting a letter from therapist & GP recommending that she be disenrolled for one year and restart Yr11 next year. This does not affect child benefit even though she would be disenrolled because it isn’t leaving FT education but pausing it. So you would not need to inform child benefit of anything.

See, I'm a bit on the fence.

If the bereavement is hitting her hard and she's unable to concentrate then maybe she should leave and do her maths and English in college. They're the only ones that are really important (plus science) anyway.

But, on the other hand maybe she should throw herself at her GCSEs and do her best as a way to make her dad proud. I'm sorry to be presumptuous but I'm guessing he wouldn't have wanted her education to suffer.

But I don't know you or your daughter so it's your decision as to what you think is best.

I would be suggesting that she needs an additional mental health support session rather than a detention if this is out of character for her.

Giving her a detention under these circumstances is only going to add to problems not solve them.

Therefore instead of going into combat negative mode, go in proposing an alternative proactive plan which you are seeking school support for.

If she doesn’t take the year off, the school at the very least need to do an extenuating circumstances letter to the GCSE exam board so that they can adjust her grades accordingly.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your DD is so brave for even going to school at the moment.
I would speak to school ASAP as yes, she absolutely should be cut some slack at the moment.

Absolutely speak to her Head of Year. Hoping that this is a case of the school having an automatic system for recording the demerits and that it can be overridden for your dd. You shouldn't have to be fighting the school system whilst you are newly bereaved yourself!

Please explain that your dd will start doing hwk after October half term and that until then she will focus on herself after school. Please ask them for their policy on supporting bereaved students - they should have one - and explain that after half term she will be trying but may still not be performing as she used to because she will still be grieving and that she needs support not punishment.

Please explain that protecting her mental health is as important as learning/revision if she is going to succeed in her summer exams.

Please ask why you are having to explain this to them!! So angry for your dd and you (former secondary school teacher here.)

My ex-H walked out in the December before DD's GCSE's. Her mental health hit the floor. The school and her HOY in particular were so supportive. They suggested she finish school and just attend for her exams but she chose to keep going as she needed the social contact with her friends. We had regular meetings and although she didn't manage to do any self directed revision she did pass her exams. The school took away as much of the exam stress as they could and gave her space to talk about her feelings.

Your DD's school could definitely do better.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. How terrible for you. Yes it does seem harsh from the school. However, I think that children thrive on normality. I think that by 6 weeks should she be doing homework again as I think that otherwise she will fall behind which will demotivate her and cause her mood to drop lower. I would address the tiredness. It sounds like anxiety/depression related. Although could she have had COVID or any infections? I would look into activity planning with her to help her manage her fatigue whilst trying to get her motivated again. It can be useful to factor in lots of breaks and rewards after achievements. Are there any sports that she enjoys? Yoga, swimming, dance etc that she could do. Gentle exercise can be great for fatigue. Try also a Bluetooth sleep mask and the calm app. They have lots of relaxing sleep stories and short relaxation exercises. They also have sessions on tackling grief.
Can you do something with her to help redesign her bedroom as a bit of a treat and turn it into a really calm relaxing zone and buy her a plug in aromatherapy diffuser?
Finally, and I know that this may well be out of the question, but if you don't already have pets, could you consider getting her one?
I would really work on her mental health, but on also getting back to normality. Perhaps school could reduce the homework for her with a phased gradual return to it?

This is an utterly shitty situation for you all and you have my deepest sympathies. It sounds as though communication is key here: the school are working on the assumption that the most important thing is getting her through her GCSEs (which is not in itself unreasonable) while you are - rightly - more focused on her mental health and well-being. I suggest you meet with the school (Head of Year probably) as a matter of urgency and agree between you what you are trying to achieve. You might consider reducing the number of GCSEs she takes so as to enable her to focus on English, Maths, and Science which will enable her to progress to the next stage. You could consider taking her out for the year, in which case she could restart Y11 next September, or she could do her GCSEs from a position of being home-schooled - there are plenty of online resources which would make this possible, though relatively few free ones.
As others have said, though, falling behind with work now is likely to impact on her GCSE performance, and you all need to be clear as to whether you regard that as an issue.
Good luck!

If the bereavement is hitting her hard and she's unable to concentrate then maybe she should leave and do her maths and English in college

Id only consider this if she needed more than a year off. The system is set up that a child can take a full school year off and restart that year at the same secondary school. They do not have to go to a post-16 college to do them with those re-sitting GCSEs.

I'm so sorry, but I think I'd pull her out of school with the view to re sit this year?

I lost my dad at the exact same age/stage as your dd. I also experienced the same with schools expectations and struggled to even get out of bed in the morning but I did every day and tried my best but always felt like I was hugely unsupported at school. I did do my exams and got ok grades (B's, C's & D's) but obviously not as good as previously expected. I don't know what the solution is though I'm afraid, possibly for her to take a year out but I know personally that would have made the grieving worse for me without having a purpose. Worth sitting down and having the conversation of what you dd thinks would help her the most in both the short term and the long term.
I do think you should step in for your dds sake and come up with a plan of action also with the school that applies for the rest of the year (wether that be a reduced timetable, dropping down to a couple of favourite subjects/exams for this year with the intention of doing an extra year, or studying at home on certain days, no homework expectations for the year etc) as 6 weeks is no time at all when it comes to a bereavement this significant.

Finally I'm so sorry for you and dd's loss and sorry that you both have to be dealing with this at this time 💐

This will sound bad - because it is - but I’m almost certain that the message from the HOY has been forgotten about by some teachers and they are quickly doing the merits / sanctions on auto pilot while looking at their records of homework. I’ve seen it happen in busy schools. It’s unacceptable in the circumstances and yes, you should tell them so.

Talk to her head of year and get an agreement that can be communicated to her teachers regarding homework etc - they're likely just following the school policy and not thinking about the bigger picture rather than being purposely callous.

Has she got good friends that she can arrange to do things like homework/revision with? It could help her get some support and feel less overwhelming as well as helping her keep on top of things. GCSEs aren't the be all and end all but it's not as easy as some PPs have suggested to just skip a year. Talk to her head of year about what GCSEs/grades she absolutely needs to get in order to do whatever she wants to next year (A levels, apprenticeship etc) so she can move on with her peers. They can help to come up with a plan and possibly even drop a subject or two so she can focus on the others and have a bit more breathing space.

to you both and ask for as much help as you can get, the school will want a good outcome for her especially with all she's been through.

If it’s anything like our school, the other teachers won’t have been informed 🥺

Can you work out the email addresses of her teachers, send an email yourself to all her subject teachers, copy her tutor and head of year?

Very sorry for your loss and that of your DD, her mental health and physical health is the only priority. Big hugs

It is a difficult balance. My father died when I was a teenager, my school were very kind, sympathetic, supportive. Eventually I just got used to not having to bother and left school with no qualifications. I did get my degree as a mature student, I was capable.

My siblings were at different schools, their schools were less supportive, kind for a short time and then they had to get on with it. Both got A levels and went to university.

As I said it is a difficult balance.

I bet the message has not got through to her teachers properly.

School can absolutely give leniency in this kind of situation. Talk to her HoY and keep going, sometimes these things take a few back-and-fros to sort. There will be kids in most year groups who are struggling with attendance, this won't be new to them. Bluntly you need to be a squeaky enough wheel for her to register with them all as in need of this adjustment.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also suspect the teachers haven't been informed.

What a difficult age for her to lose her beloved Dad. I'm so sorry for your loss @spiffing

Absolutely the school should be supporting her better than they are

I’m so sorry for your loss . My thought would be working backwards. What does she want to do post school ? What grades does she need to achieve this ? Is this achievable on the current projectory ? If it only needs mild tweaking , how can school support to achieve this outcome ? If it’s unattainable this year , then take her home to heal , then start again . I wish you both well x

I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. I suspect this is a lack of comms rather than malice.

I don’t agree with those who say she should leave as it sounds like she’s drawing a lot of support from her friends.

I hope you and school can find a way through that works for you all and enables her to do the best she can in her exams x

It has only been six weeks, the poor girl (and her mum) must be reeling.

Forcing someone back to normality that quickly, when they're not able for it, won't help.

Of course she's anxious and depressed, that's a completely normal reaction to the loss of a parent at a very young age.

There's certainly some useful advise there for the longer term, but maybe not right now.

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Thats the last thing a school should be doing, your DD could legitimately not be at school at this stage!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lose my dad at 20 and my little sister was 16 - the school need to cut her some slack for sure. You've had good advice here, I hope you can find a solution (a year out might be it).

Sending strength your way, OP xxx

Sorry that's insane. This girl lost her dad 6 weeks ago and they are giving her detention? Get on to them.
I'm very sorry for your loss. The first year is very difficult. Take care.