Page 8 | That the school should cut my bereaved DD some slack?

spiffing · 2023-09-25T08:15:20+00:00

My husband, and DD's (15) dad died only 6 weeks ago after a long illness with cancer. My DD is now in year 11, with her GCSEs coming up so she's got a lot going on. The school seemed really helpful and supportive when I told them and said they would tell all her subject teachers, in case she needed to leave the class at anytime etc. DD is really struggling with the loss of her dad, they were particularly close. To be honest it's a struggle for her to go into school at all, and my focus has been to get her into school so she can do her best. After school she's absolutely exhausted so I just encourage her to rest and relax and she's not been doing much of her her homework. I did email the school to tell them this. The school has a demerit system, where they will be given a demerit for missing homework etc, and they get a detention for 5 demerits. Last week my daughter was given 5 demerits, all of which for missing homework. So this week she's been given a detention. This means she will miss spending one lunch break with her friends which I feel is so important for her mental well being. I feel so upset about this on DDs behalf. I know a lot of what I'm feeling may be about my grief. I have emailed her head of year and awaiting her reply. Am I wrong to think that they school should cut her a bit of slack here?

InSpainTheRain · 25/09/2023 13:19

I would go in and meet the head of year to discuss. I think people forget that grief can last a long time, it's not a 2 week concession and she can move on. Sorry for your loss that sounds massively hard.

Justoverit25 · 25/09/2023 13:22

some schools are not very good at this stuff
i emailed the school when my daughter ( primary aged but older years ) lost her dad we had just found out that morning.
I emailed explaining what had happened and that she wouldn’t be able to attend school.
they replied with links to work for home school and that it most be in by 3.30 !’
no message or support anything I went mental and pulled her out asap.

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/09/2023 13:24

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Truly awful behaviour by the school.

I remember when I was 15 my friend lost her dad and brother in a fire. She was back at school 2 weeks later and the Maths teacher gave her detention for not having her Maths book - it was destroyed along with all her belongings in the fire.

I'll never forget her face as it crumpled and she began to cry. She tried to explain and the teacher said there was no excuse. I'm sure that incident retraumatised her. I had hoped there was greater awareness about mental health in schools these days but perhaps not.

OhComeOnFFS · 25/09/2023 13:25

Do you think she could ask one of her friends to come home with her after school so they can both get their homework done, then she has the rest of the evening to relax?

lavendersbluedillydilly12 · 25/09/2023 13:27

I've worked in four high schools and in all of them we'd have told the child/parents/teachers they didn't have to do homework. As a pastoral leader I'd probably have tried to encourage making an evening routine that left some for homework such as reading a book for 30/45/60 minutes and then building up to doing homework in that time.

AlexandriasWindmill · 25/09/2023 13:28

I'm so sorry for your loss

Your poor DD. It's such a lot to cope with and a lot of the trauma of the long illness which preceded her loss will only be starting to impact her now. When I lost my DF, the long burden of anticipatory grief during his final illness, didn't really impact me until months afterwards. That was when that I completely fell apart and my grades slipped. Grief isn't linear.

You need to speak to school. They should not be punishing your DD. In our school the pastoral lead would usually check in every day with a DC who had lost a parent, and the DC would be able to access a quiet, support room at any point during the school day when they felt overwhelmed, emotional or sad.

I'd also speak to any support groups in your area eg if there is a Maggie's Centre. They might be able to help you advocate for your DD longer term concerning any impact on her education.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2023 13:29

I’m glad you’ve made contact. Now, hopefully, the school will be more supportive for your dd.

@temperedolive
That is shocking and this is how it was when I was at school but shouldn’t be like that decades and decades later. I had to be held back from attacking the head after he confronted me about my uniform - I was just about to go into an exam at 16. My father was on his death bed and he said ‘so what’ when I told him to leave me alone. I don’t think he processed what I was saying.

notsuchafrugalkitty · 25/09/2023 13:33

They need to cut her some slack. We're supporting a lad whose dad took his own life a while ago and whatever we can do to support him, we're doing. I'm sorry for your loss x

NeedToChangeName · 25/09/2023 13:35

temperedolive · 25/09/2023 13:06

Make sure the subject teachers actually know what's going on. Speak with each of them individually if need be.

I had a pupil transferred into my group a few years back because his teacher couldn't manage him. He was known for his behaviour issues, but he and I always got on quite well so he did better in my class. One Monday when he came in, I asked how his weekend was and he told me "Mum went into hospital and she died."

The poor love had been trying to cope with his mother's terminal cancer for nearly eighteen months. Admin knew all about it. Did they ever breathe a word about it to me? No. When I confronted the head about it, she told me that life was difficult snd he'd just have to manage so they didn't see any point in letting me know. They deprived that sweet boy of a potential source of support and care throughout all of that, and if he hadn't told me himself I doubt I'd ever have known.

It takes a lot to shock me, but that did.

@temperedolive that's awful. The poor boy

DragonFly98 · 25/09/2023 13:47

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 09:34

I think this is a no win situation for the school. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be heart wrenching for both of you. But if the school treat her differently and cut her some slack over homework in this very important year, will you later be complaining to them when her grades slip and / or she tanks her exams? How long should they cut her some slack? This week, this month, the rest of the year? Are you happy to accept that they stop expecting her to achieve her potential? And I mean those questions seriously. Because horrible though this time is for her and for you, this is her future and her life. No homework for one week might not be a big deal now, but what about the next weeks? And the weeks after that?

I think that the conversation with the school needs to be about how you all work to support her getting the homework done, and hope you achieve that end.

Wow attitudes like that are all that is wrong with the school system. GSCE's achieved in year 11 are really not that important. Exams can be taken at any point in life mental health and well-being is so much more important.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2023 13:49

temperedolive · 25/09/2023 13:06

Make sure the subject teachers actually know what's going on. Speak with each of them individually if need be.

I had a pupil transferred into my group a few years back because his teacher couldn't manage him. He was known for his behaviour issues, but he and I always got on quite well so he did better in my class. One Monday when he came in, I asked how his weekend was and he told me "Mum went into hospital and she died."

The poor love had been trying to cope with his mother's terminal cancer for nearly eighteen months. Admin knew all about it. Did they ever breathe a word about it to me? No. When I confronted the head about it, she told me that life was difficult snd he'd just have to manage so they didn't see any point in letting me know. They deprived that sweet boy of a potential source of support and care throughout all of that, and if he hadn't told me himself I doubt I'd ever have known.

It takes a lot to shock me, but that did.

That is utterly heartbreaking. The poor guy: Mum went into hospital and she died

It's at least something that he told you, and lovely to hear how caring you sound.

CharlotteBog · 25/09/2023 13:50

Great update OP. I was holding back with my response until you had had a reply from the HOY. I am so sorry you and your DD are going through this grief. 💐

sunglassesonthetable · 25/09/2023 13:59

@temperedolive

So so awful. How shocking .

sunglassesonthetable · 25/09/2023 14:06

I'm so sorry OP but that sounds like a positive step forward with school.

This is all so hard for you both. Sending good energy and positive vibes.

viques · 25/09/2023 14:40

Chipsahoy · 25/09/2023 09:28

Id pull her out. She can take her GCSEs in college. Poor child needs to grieve not be in the school system. I’m sorry for your loss

She also needs the support of her friendship group, when you are that age they are the people who often see you through.

I agree OP needs to contact the school, to make sure the message has reached all her teachers, there are thousands of messages kicking around at this time of the year and it sounds as though this one hasn’t been flagged .

viques · 25/09/2023 14:41

Just seen your update, that’s good news.

tiktokoclock · 25/09/2023 16:33

@spiffing So sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing ok, and managing with being back at work. I don't know how you're doing it, honestly.

Your poor girl. The update is good, but it sounds like they could be supporting her more actively, rather than just reacting - I bet getting a detention was really upsetting. Plus it's extra pressure on you to sort out which you really don't need.

@temperedolive your story brought a little lump to my cynical old throat. I'm glad he had you.
And @Willyoujustbequiet, your poor friend. Some people are just awful.

CustardySergeant · 25/09/2023 17:08

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/09/2023 13:24

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Truly awful behaviour by the school.

I remember when I was 15 my friend lost her dad and brother in a fire. She was back at school 2 weeks later and the Maths teacher gave her detention for not having her Maths book - it was destroyed along with all her belongings in the fire.

I'll never forget her face as it crumpled and she began to cry. She tried to explain and the teacher said there was no excuse. I'm sure that incident retraumatised her. I had hoped there was greater awareness about mental health in schools these days but perhaps not.

That's one of the most heartless, cruel things I have ever read. That teacher should have been fired.

Askil · 25/09/2023 20:03

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 09:34

I think this is a no win situation for the school. I am very sorry for your loss, and it must be heart wrenching for both of you. But if the school treat her differently and cut her some slack over homework in this very important year, will you later be complaining to them when her grades slip and / or she tanks her exams? How long should they cut her some slack? This week, this month, the rest of the year? Are you happy to accept that they stop expecting her to achieve her potential? And I mean those questions seriously. Because horrible though this time is for her and for you, this is her future and her life. No homework for one week might not be a big deal now, but what about the next weeks? And the weeks after that?

I think that the conversation with the school needs to be about how you all work to support her getting the homework done, and hope you achieve that end.

I agree 100%. Exactly what I would have said but you worded it all perfectly. Sad as this situation is the school are there for one reason and that is to make sure she gets an education and at this point to get the best grades possible. If she is struggling to go into school I would withdraw her altogether to take time out otherwise it's unclear exactly what OP is hoping for at the end of this academic year.

cansu · 25/09/2023 20:12

Yes they should be sympathetic. I think you should meet with them to discuss how long off homework you would like her to be. However, in year 11, if she falls behind, it could have long lasting effects on her future. I would be getting as much support in place for her as you can. There are bereavement charities that can help young people. I would also be looking at how she can be supported to do her work so that she does not end up struggling with her work during this time.

LizzieBananas · 25/09/2023 20:14

As a former teacher, make sure a reminder is sent.

Long-standing staff know these things but I managed to put my foot in it with a widowed staff member whose child I taught my first year at a school.

Teachers will understand if they are reminded.

WhatsitWiggle · 25/09/2023 20:53

I'm sorry for your loss OP, what a terrible situation all round.

I hope the call with the school went well. I'd certainly speak to safeguarding lead as they can keep an eye on her and arrange for in school counselling. Also class passes so she can leave when she's overwhelmed.

If the subjects / exams get too much, ask to reduce. Most colleges accept 5 or 6 as a minimum (my daughter is medical provision learning currently and doing 5). Also whilst colleges don't generally offer post 16 GCSEs anymore, there's multiple online options if you can self fund, so her current pathway isn't the only way if she does struggle and needs to bail completely.

Grief can hit in different ways at different times. Make sure you both have a good support network xx

Callyem · 25/09/2023 21:00

not rtft so apologies if I have missed an update but definitely call them. It is probably a communication thing, left hand right hand kind of thing. So sorry for your loss x

surreygirl1987 · 25/09/2023 21:28

I'm a teacher and I think that's awful. Do check her teachers are aware though. So sorry for your loss.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 26/09/2023 07:05

Askil · 25/09/2023 20:03

I agree 100%. Exactly what I would have said but you worded it all perfectly. Sad as this situation is the school are there for one reason and that is to make sure she gets an education and at this point to get the best grades possible. If she is struggling to go into school I would withdraw her altogether to take time out otherwise it's unclear exactly what OP is hoping for at the end of this academic year.

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Jeez, the 1950s called, they want their shit attitude to mental health back 🙄